# Things you Never knew about Santa **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 25, 2003, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967 "2003-12-25T04:47:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MonkeyMule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc348/32.png) [@MonkeyMule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMule)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/1 "2003-12-25T04:47:33Z")
This is the thread we throw in bits about Santa Clause that most people don’t know. Like Santa is immune to 1920’s style death-rays and Santa’s work shop is really a home for kidnap lobotamised kids who are forced to make cheep toys as slave labor. Ok now its your turn. ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/2 "2003-12-25T05:20:24Z")
If you are naughty Santa will burn you dog. Seriously. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/3 "2003-12-25T05:38:19Z")
Santa throws coal at those who burn dogs. Santa has been known to throw down a 12-pack of Bud on his journey. Rupolph loves Vixen! :::averting eyes::: ---
**Author:** ![gubernator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@gubernator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gubernator)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/4 "2003-12-25T05:44:03Z")
If yer naughty Santa will be using your chimney as a port-a-john. Those ain’t coals in your stocking, Jimmy. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/5 "2003-12-25T06:00:15Z")
If you don’t have a chimney, he does a KoolAid smash into your house, ravishes your teenage goth daughter, eats all the sprinkles off your donuts, and cleans himself with your cat (or dog). Of course, one of the secret ingredients in eggnog is a rufe type drug, so you don’t remember a thing, and the ultra-violent demons he calls “elves” rebuild your house before the drug wears off. They ravish your daighter, too. And maybe you while they’re there. If you have a chimney, it’s all just like the wonderful children’s stories say. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/6 "2003-12-25T06:03:29Z")
What if it’s a bricked up chimney? ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/7 "2003-12-25T06:10:01Z")
Santa’s been trying the Atkins diet this year, so he forgoes the cookies. In an effort to make you think he likes them, your parents really ate them after you went to bed. Santa had planned on naming his reindeer after politicians in the US: You knon Daschle (S-SD), Deutch (HR-FL), Dole (Retired), and Nixon (Dead), Conyers (HR-MI), Gordon (HH-TN), Bush (Pres), Quayle (Fmr VP), and Clinton (Frm Pres.) But the whole Water-to-IceGate thing made him change his mind. [sub]Feel free to sing it out. It rolls of the tongue nicely.[/sub] Santa won’t let his elves stay at MJ’s Neverland Ranch. Mmmm mmm, no way. Tripler Yep. Santa doesn’t eat them cookies. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/8 "2003-12-25T06:14:01Z")
Bricked up chimneys enrage him. “My ire burns with flame of a thousand Rudolph noses!” he’ll exclaim, as he weilds his broad sword across your torso, neatly severing you. Then, he feasts upon your still beating heart, blood staining his snowy beard. The tree he does devastate and dismatles any snow globe you may have owned, releasing the microscopic pathogens they enclose into the pristine ecosystem of the late great planet Earth. Then, at Ragnorak, he… Wait. Santa is English for Loki, right? ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_Samaritan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bad\_Samaritan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_Samaritan)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/9 "2003-12-25T06:14:39Z")
The truth about Santa? Raging alcoholic ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/10 "2003-12-25T06:17:58Z")
Oh no!!! Rudolph’s red nose is actually the result of a severe alcohol problem. ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/11 "2003-12-25T06:31:41Z")
Being an elf, it should not be surprising to know that Santa is related to Legolas! Legolas managed to save one of the Palantirs and gave it to Santa around 280 A.D, ever since, Santa sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! ---
**Author:** ![Olive\_The\_Other\_Reindeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Olive\_The\_Other\_Reindeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olive_The_Other_Reindeer)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/12 "2003-12-25T14:13:13Z")
Santa wears a Victoria’s Secret bra and thong set under his red suit. Trust me, I’d know 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Waddle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/bb73d2/32.png) [@Waddle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waddle)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/13 "2003-12-25T15:15:09Z")
Well half elf, he gets his beard because he is the illigetimate child of gimli and gladriel(sp?) ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/14 "2003-12-25T15:20:04Z")
Santa controlles 75% of the worldwide toy industry, and has an estimated wealth of infinity. The last time anyone saw Santa in public was when he testified to the Senate Commerce Committee in 1995. It is rumored that Santa rents an island for summer headquarters. Last, but not least: Santa’s operations are believed to be in Northern Greenland or Canada, not the North Pole. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/15 "2003-12-25T16:06:08Z")
Santa’s actually livin’ large in Jamaica, smokin’ a little ganja and poundin’ back the rum. How else do you think he keeps his sanity during December at the Mall? ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/16 "2003-12-25T16:29:50Z")
Santa and his elves have mastered the art of cyrogenic freezing. Santa is put in cold storage from Dec. 26-Dec. 23 the following year. That’s how he’s been able to live all these years. ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/17 "2003-12-25T17:26:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GIGObuster \* > \*\*Being an elf, it should not be surprising to know that Santa is related to Legolas! > > Legolas managed to save one of the Palantirs and gave it to Santa around 280 A.D, ever since, Santa sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! \*\* Dude, you rule. Thanks for the Christmas laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-knew-about-santa/220967/18 "2003-12-25T17:58:27Z")
That whole thing about the North Pole is a ruse. I mean, we’ve sent submarines there under the ice. We’d know whether there’s an island supporting an Elves’ Workshop there. The Workshop is really at the _South_ Pole. The name “Workshop” is soimewhat inaccurate. Though there is considerable research and development activity there–certainly enough to impress visitors with scenes of busy Elves–the chief function of the Workshop is the coordination of the torrents of information that flow in from Santa’s Helpers around the world. Production, of course, is outsourced to the usual contract manufacturing sites around the world. After the Second World War, a secret treaty had been signed by the “UN” (basically, the USA, although other Powers were also present), and Santa, after one too many missile alerts due to radar bouncing off UFOs (Unidentified Four-legged Objects) in the sky. This treaty was behind the push to internationalise the Ice Continent and make it off-limits to settlement or development. The International Geophysical Year of 1958-59 was part of this effort too–during this time, the infrastructure was laid for Santa’s modern surveillance system. Amundsen-Scott Station at the South Pole is a front put up by the CIA, the NSA, and the Corps of Engineers during the 1950s. Visitors are told that they are at the South Pole, but they are actually up to 200 km distant. Due to the remoteness and the unreliability of magnetic compasses so close to the Magnetic Pole, visitors do not get a chance to verify their location independently. The rise of the Global Positioning System would have created a crisis, but the US Defense Department, customer for the System, was able to build ‘spoofing’ features in to consumer GPS receivers. I’ve said too much. They’ll be after me soon. What’s that? A firelplace appears in my apartment? Someone coming down? Wait! That’s not Santa! It’s an elf! What are you do– CARRIER LOST