# Things you never want to hear at a child's birthday party **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 21, 2008, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163 "2008-05-21T22:25:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/21 "2008-05-22T02:44:52Z")
[QUOTE=eleanorigby] Do you like movies about gladiators? [/QUOTE] “Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?” (Just after I posted above, I had second thoughts, worrying that nobody would get the reference … I should have known better! 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/22 "2008-05-22T02:46:42Z")
“The clown I had canceled. I found this one at the last minute on Craigslist.” “I don’t think the dog has ever been around this many children before.” “Oh goody! The tattoo artist is here! Who wants to get inked?” “Whose underpants are these?” “We’ll have ice cream and cake for the kids, and Wild Turkey for the mommies and daddies.” “Did we get enough fireworks for all the kids?” ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/23 "2008-05-22T03:09:40Z")
Hey kids come greet our special friend that stopped by, Michael Jackson. Michael has some fun games to play with you all. ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/24 "2008-05-22T03:53:23Z")
So I hear you’re turning 10 Bobby, well welcome to manhood. Tish here is my favorite prostitute from 30 years ago, she’ll make you a man… ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/25 "2008-05-22T03:53:23Z")
unfortunately I had to say to parents coming to pick up their 7 or 8 year old kid (at a pool party at a public pool), “Your son was here a minute ago” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/26 "2008-05-22T15:40:09Z")
“I hope your son likes the ferret. The vet said those sores aren’t infectious.” ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/27 "2008-05-22T15:45:48Z")
_(mature male voice)_ “My name is Gunnery Sergeant Hartman! I am your Senior Drill Instructor!..You will not laugh! You will not cry!” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/28 "2008-05-22T16:01:02Z")
We learned how to play strip poker! ---
**Author:** ![dalej42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@dalej42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dalej42)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/29 "2008-05-22T16:05:20Z")
“Can I have another icee?” Umm, we don’t have icees, those are margaritas in the blender. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/30 "2008-05-22T16:11:22Z")
“Everyone on the floor, face down, or i’ll shoot.” [Link](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=469016) ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/31 "2008-05-22T16:52:30Z")
“OK, kids, all together now… There once was a man from Nantucket…” ---
**Author:** ![Lillith\_Fair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bb73d2/32.png) [@Lillith\_Fair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lillith_Fair)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/32 "2008-05-22T17:00:16Z")
(about Chuck-ee-Cheese) “No, I’m not afraid of him, but I’m very very nervous.” [I had to drive the girl home.] ---
**Author:** ![Dottygumdrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Dottygumdrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dottygumdrop)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/33 "2008-05-22T17:06:59Z")
[QUOTE=kunilou] “We’ll have ice cream and cake for the kids, and Wild Turkey for the mommies and daddies.” [/QUOTE] Sounds like my kind of birthday party! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/34 "2008-05-22T17:09:38Z")
Actually said by 6-year-old me after my first birthday sleepover: “I had a great time! I fell out of bed and threw up!” (It was the top bunk, too, but I didn’t get hurt. The throwing up part was too much junk food.) ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/35 "2008-05-22T17:42:19Z")
“Where the hell is my goddamned pistol? I put it on the nightstand a minute ago when I went to take a piss!” “Hey kid, smell this Risotto. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.” “Pull my finger.” “Wanna sip?” ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/36 "2008-05-22T18:03:55Z")
So it’s been three days since we last saw the cobra after it got out of the tank, I’m sure it’s gone now. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/37 "2008-05-22T18:16:37Z")
“Yep, he would’ve been five today, if only… if only I hadn’t… _\_” ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/38 "2008-05-22T20:01:04Z")
Now, one of the bowls of punch is spiked, but I’ll be damned if I can remember which one. ---
**Author:** ![Kuboydal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecb155/32.png) [@Kuboydal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kuboydal)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/39 "2008-05-22T20:19:47Z")
“… and the funny thing is that if I still lived in Alabama I wouldn’t even be allowed to be within 300 yards of this party.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2008, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163/40 "2008-05-22T20:37:02Z")
“Thanks for inviting my little boy Sam. I meant to tell you that his lice are almost all gone.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-a-childs-birthday-party/450163.md?page=3)