# Things you never want your neighbors to hear **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 14, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699 "2006-04-14T20:15:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/1 "2006-04-14T20:15:35Z")
My boss closed the office down a little early today - I just got home. I came home without calling my husband - and walked in the door. He wasn’t in the living room, so I called out “HEY! Where are you?” He didn’t answer me. “So where are you?” No answer. “STOP MASTURBATING AND TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!” Yes, that last one was YELLED. And the windows were open. My neighbors just heard me yell at my husband to stop masturbating. I will never go outside again. He was in the shower, BTW. I am extremely, extremely embarrassed right now. ---
**Author:** ![Sal\_Ammoniac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Sal\_Ammoniac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sal_Ammoniac)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2006, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/2 "2006-04-14T20:24:57Z")
Well, even if you never go outside again, you’ll always have the SDMB. We’ll keep your little secret… won’t we, guys? ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2006, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/3 "2006-04-14T20:29:30Z")
> [@Sal Ammoniac](#): > > Well, even if you never go outside again, you’ll always have the SDMB. We’ll keep your little secret… won’t we, guys? Obviously, I don’t care about spreading it halfway across the internet 😃 . I just don’t want my neighbors thinkin’ I’m weird 😛 . ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2006, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/4 "2006-04-14T20:29:34Z")
WOOOOOOOOOO! ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2006, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/5 "2006-04-14T21:11:44Z")
> [@Elza B](#): > > “STOP MASTURBATING AND TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!” You actually used the word “Masturbating”? When my wife yells at me to stop she says “Jerkin’ Off” ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/6 "2006-04-15T00:04:07Z")
> [@UncleRojelio](#): > > You actually used the word “Masturbating”? When my wife yells at me to stop she says “Jerkin’ Off” We’re formal like that. :dubious: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/7 "2006-04-15T00:06:27Z")
Did you tell your husband what you’d shouted for all the world to hear? I’m thinking he’s the one who’s gonna have a hard time going outside and facing the neighbors. ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/8 "2006-04-15T00:11:41Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > Did you tell your husband what you’d shouted for all the world to hear? I’m thinking he’s the one who’s gonna have a hard time going outside and facing the neighbors. Errr…he thought it was hysterical. Thing is, we say stuff like that to each other all the time. Jokingly, of course. We just haven’t been able to have the windows open for six months, so I kinda forgot:D. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/9 "2006-04-15T00:11:59Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > Did you tell your husband what you’d shouted for all the world to hear? I’m thinking he’s the one who’s gonna have a hard time going outside and facing the neighbors. …you said hard \ ---
**Author:** ![Mrs\_O\_Malley\_s\_Cow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Mrs\_O\_Malley\_s\_Cow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs_O_Malley_s_Cow)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/10 "2006-04-15T00:15:54Z")
A little off subject but to make Elza feel better: Once when my family was visting my aunt and uncle, my mom, ummmm, clogged the toilet. Dear Auntie went to the neighbors to borrow a plunger. She didn’t even have the ethics to lie about what was going on. Dear mom had to meet the people the next day. BUT she did get to keep the plunger. Yep, embarrassment happens to everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/11 "2006-04-15T00:17:44Z")
> [@](#): > > Doolittle Lynn in _Coal Miner’s Daughter_: Hell’s Bells, Loretta. You think this is somethin’ the rest of the world ain’t caught onto yet? They don’t give a damn. If your neighbors just learned for the first time that adults can still masturbate, they’ll be bringing you pineapple upside down cakes and chicken broccoli rice cheese casseroles in appreciation for some while. But probably not for the next couple of days as they’ll be busy. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/12 "2006-04-15T04:44:41Z")
> [@Elza B](#): > > Obviously, I don’t care about spreading it halfway across the internet 😃 . I just don’t want my neighbors thinkin’ I’m weird 😛 . Your neighbors say and do things just as weird, if not weirder. I know this because I spy on your neighbors with the telescope on my roof. ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/13 "2006-04-15T05:12:36Z")
> [@Elza B](#): > > I am extremely, extremely embarrassed right now. Yes, but you’re sending me to bed with a 🙂 That’s cute. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/14 "2006-04-15T07:04:05Z")
> [@Elza B](#): > > He was in the shower, BTW. And probably masturbating. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/15 "2006-04-15T07:42:37Z")
What _I_ wouldn’t want to neighbors to hear? _sound of argument_ _sound of scuffle_ _sound of breaking glass_ _sudden silence_ _more silence_ _sound of shower running_ _heavy thumping_ _sound of circular saw_ _more shower noise_ _crinkle of plastic bags, heavy dragging in driveway_ _trunk slamming_ _engine starting and squeel of car tires_ _silence_ _sound of car returning, parking, around 3 am_ _more shower noise_ :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/16 "2006-04-15T11:29:30Z")
Oh, cripes. A few weeks ago, I had just gotten out of the shower, and my husband was fiddling with a syrup bottle in the kitchen. It was a new bottle, and he ended up tearing that little plastic doohickey off of the tab that enables you to simply lift and pull the thing off. “Hey, you’ve got long fingernails, could you pry this thing off for me?” he asks. I walk into the livingroom to meet him, drying my hair off with one towel and wearing another. I take the bottle from him and start fussing with the tab. I glance up and notice the windows are open, and so as not to offend the tender sensibilities of the outside world by showing off too much leg or shoulder or whatnot, I sit on the floor, figuring I’d just be a few moments. At this point, my husband hears the urgent call of nature and heads off into the bathroom. I keep trying to get a nail under that stupid cardboard tab, and I just can’t do it. I’ve just _moisturised_. My fingers are _slippery_. Alas, with every Swiss Army Knife in the house lost to posterity, and none of us bright enough to just grab a damn knife, I sit and pry and pry and pry. At some point I get this _fantastic_ idea to hold the bottle between my knees so I can get at this thing with both hands. Stupid, stupid idea. I finally manage to open the tab a slit, my knees pressed together and PLOOP! I jump, startled, scream, and the towel falls off. From the bathroom: “Sweetie, what happened?!” I yell out: “I’m sitting on the living room floor,\* naked\*[said shrilly], and covered in syrup!” One of our neighbours was getting his mail from near our front door. “Quit bragging!” he yells in response. _Damnit_. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/17 "2006-04-15T11:57:47Z")
Oh, **Anastasaeon** , you’re better than a cup of coffee to wake up in the morning. I assume your husband uh…_took advantage_ of your predicament? ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/18 "2006-04-15T12:04:11Z")
And penis ensued. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/19 "2006-04-15T12:23:55Z")
> [@Elza B](#): > > My boss closed the office down a little early today - I just got home. > > I came home without calling my husband - and walked in the door. He wasn’t in the living room, so I called out “HEY! Where are you?” > > He didn’t answer me. > > “So where are you?” > > No answer. > > “STOP MASTURBATING AND TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!” > > Yes, that last one was YELLED. > > And the windows were open. > > My neighbors just heard me yell at my husband to stop masturbating. > > I will never go outside again. > > He was in the shower, BTW. > > I am extremely, extremely embarrassed right now. I’m thinking that a summary of this would make a great…_ **sig line** _. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2006, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699/20 "2006-04-15T13:51:57Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > _sound of argument_ > _sound of scuffle_ > _sound of breaking glass_ > _sudden silence_ > _more silence_ > _sound of shower running_ > _heavy thumping_ > _sound of circular saw_ > _more shower noise_ > _crinkle of plastic bags, heavy dragging in driveway_ > _trunk slamming_ > _engine starting and squeel of car tires_ > _silence_ > _sound of car returning, parking, around 3 am_ > _more shower noise_ > > :eek: 😃 I can’t stop laughing at this! Too funny… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-want-your-neighbors-to-hear/352699.md?page=2)