Things you wish you were allowed to say to customers at work

There’s almost nothing sweeter than actually getting to say that.

Wait, yes there would be.

“Tell you what, sir, you seem to have an idea what you want to do, why don’t you try fixing it on your own. When that doesn’t work, you can call a professional for help. Oh, wait, that’s the stage we’re at right now-- so could you shut up and do what I tell you to do?”

I did once answer a very snide “How long have you worked here?” (as in, why can’t you answer my question about an error message without any information about what the message is or when I got it, without being vague?) with “Longer than you, sir.”


Somebody grow a pair of balls and make a decision.

I’m the contracted distributor to provide the stuff you specified. The manufacturer you told me to buy it from makes crap. I didn’t intentionally bring in the junk, I didn’t make it. It’s not my fault I bought what you told me to.

Let me switch vendors without three meeting and five sample runs while the first batch of junk is still being used. I can fix the problem, really I can. I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you, give me the damn permission.

Oh, my boss does this all the time…(open up 1000 windows but never saves). Grrr…

“Promise?” (When they pull the whole, “I’m never shopping at this store again!”)

I’m lucky in that the industry in which I work (auto glass) is fairly, shall we say, casual, so ofttimes I can get away with saying what’s on my mind, at least when dealing with wholesale customers, which is mostly what I do. I realize part of the problem is that an astounding number of people apparently have no idea what they drive, but there’s no reason why my customers can’t figure that out before they call me.

One customer was forever calling in the wrong year of whatever car he was going to work on. Turns out, when people called him, he would have them check the tag on the driver’s door for the production date, and at a certain point in the year the car would actually be the following year’s model. Finally I said, why don’t you have them check their registration, isn’t that easier? He tells me, they don’t always have it on them. Uhh, ok, most people keep it in their glove box, if you’re going to make them go out to the car to check the door tag, why not have them look in the glove box instead??

Another time, same customer calls, “I have a guy who needs a new windshield for his van. He’s not sure if it’s a Ford or a Chevy.” Me: “Well, tell him to go outside and look, then call me back.” I swear everyone in this business smokes crack.

Even in my own office - one of the girls up front calls me the other day and says, “Bob wants to know if you can get door glass for a Brinks truck.” Yeah, probably, how 'bout a year, make and model?? Maybe a VIN? Because I just know offhand, right? It really wouldn’t surprise me if they thought I did, I’ve only been here for a year and knew nothing about auto glass when I started, and people who’ve been here waaay longer than me ask me everything whether it has anything to do with my actual job. I once told my boss if there were penguins fucking in the parking lot, they’d call me. Now whenever I get some random call and someone asks me what that was about, I just say, “Penguins fucking in the parking lot.”

I also once told the manager of one of our retail stores that I was going to drive out and punch one of his installers in the balls, for going to a vendor and picking up a part without calling me for a purchase order. (Knowing what I do at my other job, this was taken seriously.) Now they’re thinking of making me manager of the next retail store to open in a couple of months. I’m hoping I get it for the obvious reasons, but it won’t be as much fun. The installers barely speak English so my threats won’t mean anything, and I’ll be dealing with retail customers, so I’ll have to be civil. Dang, but this has probably been the most fun year of working in my life.

(Note to the OP: before I came here, I used to work for a company that the state had outsourced its Medicaid customer service to. I feel your pain.)

“What’s that? It says ‘Please plug in to AC’? No, that doesn’t mean it’s broken, it means the battery is dead and needs to be, suprise surise, pluggedi nto an AC wall outlet! What’s that? It doesn’t even turn on at all because the battery is dead? Try plugging it in for a few hours and then try to use it. Batteries are not some magical amulet capable of giving you an unlimited supply of electricity sucked from the ether.”

“The thermometer needs a new probe? Last I checked, you had a good supply of those at the nurse’s station. And if you are out, I seem to recall that you actually get them from purchasing, not me. Oh, and before you ask, the same thing applies to EKG and Sp02 leads. Ifm and only if, they tell you they have none, do you come to me. This is not a new thing, it has been this way for years before I got here.”

“I can get it here by tomorrow afternoon. I can’t have it sooner because I don’t have that part in stock because it costs over $400. No, I can’t have it this afternoon. In case you didn’t know, things take time to get from point A to point B. Point A is hundreds of miles away. If you know of a way to get it here before tomorrow, by all means let me know, otherwise, you’re going to have to waut.”

“Fuck off”

“Yes, sir, I can tell you what your horse’s problem is. He needs an owner transplant.”

You took mine! I guess I’ll settle for “I don’t care.”

Oh no, wait…those are things I want to say to my co-workers.

I work for a small community newspaper. I am an inside sales rep, and I answer the phones.
We have an extra scoop of crazies in this town.

  1. NO ma’am I have no f-ing clue why there are cars with flags on them coming down your street, you say its not a funeral eh? Your wondering if it might be the POTUSA, really, here you think? You do! Well I think your a crazy old bat. Tell me which of those thoughts has more of a chance of being true.

  2. I am not freaking Directory Assistance. I am happy for you that you managed to look up the newspaper phone number in the phonebook now try going the extra mile and lookup the GOD DAMN number yourself!

  3. No I cannot wave my magic wand and get your ad that you are turning in 3 days past deadline in the paper this week. I also can’t make a change to your ad on Tuesday afternoon, wanna know why? Cause the paper goes out on Wednesday, that means it was printed yesterday. You saw the proof, you ok’ed the ad, it’s all you now.

Sometimes I hate my job.

No, I can’t tell you whether your child has been to the mental health center or not! You know why? Your “child” is an adult now!

This is from Monday morning 4 AM!

I’m sorry that our manager hurt your feelings by following you around the store but if you hadn’t come in reeking of booze & with that Snoop Dogg inability to open your eyes all the way, singing filthy rap songs out loud, then maybe you would not have drawn such adverse attention. Capice, Mother******?

Don’t even get me started on the Horse people. They are all crazy. I know I am one.

Your “always been the perfect horse” has started tring to bite you everytime you cinch him up? He keeps bucking like crazy, and he never did before? Before what? Oh before you bought a brand new $2,000 saddle that is just so pretty and look it even has a hot pink ostrich seat. Great, did you bother to try the saddle on the horse before you bought it? You see funny f-ing thing, horses come in diffrent sizes, you didn’t know that did you? Do your horse and everyone else with horses a favor and go away.


I got to do this!

I just quit my job (college bookstore), and on my last day (last Thursday) a woman called up about a book that we didn’t have in stock. I apologized that it wasn’t in yet, and I explained that it was very late, our main store (who we call for info) was closed, and I didn’t have any information about the book she was looking for. I was on the verge of asking for her number so I could research it and call her in the morning (or get my supervisor to call her, since I’m OUT OF THERE) and she started screaming “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I’M TWO WEEKS BEHIND AND YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU DON’T HAVE THE BOOK? THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT! I DEMAND YOUR MANAGER”.

I’m standing at the one working register with a dozen people in line who are late for class, my manager went home four hours ago, and I’m alone trying to answer the phone and help people with books and check everyone through, and I just said:

“LOOK. We don’t have the book. Getting mad at me doesn’t solve your problem.” and she hung up on me.

(turns out, the book was much more expensive for us to get then for the students to get themselves online, so we didn’t order any, and the prof told the students to get it themselves… guess she’s two weeks behind because she didn’t go to class)

Ahh. No more whiny students.

I hear you brother. I actually did ask a sales rep the following question after receiving an order missing information for the fifth time, “So is there a particular address you want this T-1 delvered to, or would you like the Bell tech to wander aimlessly through Ft. Lauderdale asking random people if they ordered a T-1?”

Them: “Hi, Daithi – I know this isn’t * really what you do, but -"
Me: "Then why the f
ck are you calling me? Get off my fcking phone line and stay the fck off of it. This is why we have fcking inter-departmental mail: so you can send me your fcking problems once a fcking day, and I don’t have to waste any more fcking time with you than I fcking well have to. Are you still there? Why? I thought I told you to **GET OFF THE FCKING LINE!”**

Back in my days as a broadcaster, our call letters were similar to one of the TV stations in town. I can’t recall the number of misdirected phone calls that eventually degenerated into something like this.

“I don’t have that information. You want the TV station. This is the radio station. . . No, I don’t have their number. . . Because we aren’t the TV station, we’re the radio station. . . You could probably find it in the phone book. . . Try looking under ‘television.’”

The. Da. Vinci. Code. Is. Not. Available. Yet. In. Paperback.

There are several thousand marvelous books that are, though. I could recommend one, if you like.

I suppose I actually can say that. What I can’t do is this—> :rolleyes: while I answer the question, find the Jen break up interview mag, the copy of Your Best Life Now and the Josh Groban CD.

I would have had to say it in only one instance, but it would have been so sweet.

No, your child is not flunking my class because I’m prejudiced against Hispanics. If I were, why would I have taught at a school that is 99.3% Hispanic, for the past thirteen years? Why is your child one of the only two students failing my class if I hate all Hispanics? Why are all of my friends Hispanic? Why did I choose to go to school in Mexico, though attending an American school would have been less trouble and free? If I hate Hispanics, why did I bother to learn to speak the language in which you are insulting me?

Perhaps you might want to consider that the reason your daughter is failing this class is because she’s gone an at least two days a week and when she *is * here she sits on her ass and does absolutely *nothing * else-- that is why she has a 0% in my class. You know about all of this because I’ve been calling you since the third week of classes. I can’t physically hold a pencil in her hand and make her do the work. Nothing I’ve done to teach and encourage her has worked and I’ve tried everything. So that’s why she’s failing. Because you suck and she’s learning by example. Which is something that happens with all races and cultures, sweetpea.