# Things You'd Buy If They Actually Existed **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 29, 2012, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076 "2012-01-29T10:51:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2012, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/81 "2012-02-06T03:19:06Z")
I would buy a DVD of all the opening sequence couch gags from _The Simpsons_. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2012, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/82 "2012-02-06T03:55:45Z")
Software that could completely control everything about my computer entirely by voice without myhaving to spend more than 5 minutes setting it up. Flawlessly. And it would have to take perfect dictation, too. (Attempts exist, Dragon coming closest. The setup is a nightmare and it chokes the fuck out of my system. I’ll try again when I get my new computer…) ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2012, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/83 "2012-02-06T06:21:41Z")
I’d buy an adapter that allowed me to use the magazines from one pistol in a different one. So my Glock and my Ruger could use the same mags. One thing I wouldn’t buy, though, is a brand of tuna named _“I can’t believe it’s not pussy”_. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2012, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/84 "2012-02-06T23:19:26Z")
> [@ralph124c](#): > > I want a pill that contains all the nutrients you need for a day. Just swallow a few with water, and you don’t have to eat. > It would end obesity! Obesity and fun… btw, I’d like some credit for the massive self-control it’s taking for me not to design an ad (and a box) for “I can’t believe it’s not tuna!” ™ ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/85 "2012-02-07T02:54:49Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > Chainsword. I’m partial to the chain-axe myself. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Oh yeah, I want vat meat, too, so I can eat all the meat I want without that nasty, nagging feeling of guilt for not buying “ethical” meat. This reminded me of some Frank Herbert stuff that would be great: Sligs, a delicious meat animal; and chairdogs, living chairs that mold themselves to the contours of your body and morph when you change position. ---
**Author:** ![Number](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/number/32/242_2.png) [@Number](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Number)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/86 "2012-02-07T04:12:49Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > And tomacco. A guy [made a version of that](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Products_produced_from_The_Simpsons#Tomacco), but don’t look for it in stores anytime soon. > [@](#): > > Baur cultivated a tomacco in 2003 by grafting together tobacco and tomato plants. The plant produced fruit that looked like a normal tomato, but Baur suspected that it contained a lethal amount of nicotine and thus would be inedible. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/87 "2012-02-07T04:37:53Z")
S’mores schnapps and an It? I promise not to drink and drive. Honest! A suit of Mobile Infantry powered armor wouldn’t be bad either. I tried to look up the unclassified parts in the local library like the book suggests but didn’t really get anywhere. ---
**Author:** ![Sodalite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@Sodalite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sodalite)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/88 "2012-02-07T05:39:48Z")
> [@brittekland](#): > > A complete video camera recording system that’s records everything around me in a small package like a pair of glasses that wirelessly transmit data to a computer or something. > > I want proof of my alibi and who’s at fault etc but what I really want this device for is because I am SO SICK OF PEOPLE DENYING WHAT THEY SAID AND DID!!! > > I think all new born babies should be given this device from day one. 😉 > > . [There’s a movie about that.](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0364343/) It was interesting enough that I’d watch it again and I don’t really care for movies. I thought the same sort of system would be awesome until I saw it. There are a lot of things in my life that I’d prefer to keep to myself. As for what I would want? A replicator from ST:TNG. I could really go for a slice of pizza right now but it’s after midnight. Interchangeable bodies would be awesome. My brain would still do everything it does, but it would live in it’s own special module with a USB port or something. All of my memories would be preserved and backed up in different places and they would have an index so I could search by subject. Just plug in, type “Where the Hell are my keys? 02/07”, and BAM! Instantly remembered. I could delete memories I didn’t want, like some of the embarrassing crap from childhood. Got a date? Brain goes into the Sexy Fun Times body. Got a job interview? Brain goes into the Serious Business body. Visiting my aunt in Brooklyn? Bulletproof. No more aches or pains ever. I could finally have the fully functional body I’ve always wanted. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/89 "2012-02-07T05:40:36Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I want a doohickey that will suspend my book/Kindle from the bathroom ceiling at precisely the angle I want to read in the bathtub. And it will turn the page at the push of a waterproof button tied to my wrist. When I’m relaxing in the tub, I mean to do the least amount of work possible. That’s a good one. I can see tubs in the not-too-distant future including a computer. Hell, why don’t we have that now? A screen on an arm so it can be moved and adjusted, and a control panel by your hand. ---
**Author:** ![brittekland](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@brittekland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brittekland)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/90 "2012-02-07T06:07:26Z")
> [@Sodalite](#): > > [There’s a movie about that.](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0364343/) It was interesting enough that I’d watch it again and I don’t really care for movies. I thought the same sort of system would be awesome until I saw it. There are a lot of things in my life that I’d prefer to keep to myself. I suppose be careful what you wise for? ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/91 "2012-02-07T06:16:47Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Oh yeah, I want vat meat, too, so I can eat all the meat I want without that nasty, nagging feeling of guilt for not buying “ethical” meat. > [@manila](#): > > Me? I want a Babel fish! a La Douglas Adams! Vat lobster, nothing but the tail meat in a mostly realistic looking tail tube =) I can trim it into medallions and poach it in butter. Nomnomnom! And definitely a babelfish! ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/92 "2012-02-07T22:07:34Z")
Suitjamas ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/93 "2012-02-09T18:11:50Z")
Are we restricted to just one thing? If not, in order of preference: Heart of Gold with Improbability Drive -although I really think I would just steal this… :0P to you, Beeblebrox. Hienlien’s Gay Deciever -Definitely. Personal JetPack/ or flying car- Call me George Lightsaber Control of the Spice trade. Because if you’re that ridiculously wealthy you can get the rest made. Jules Verne’s time machine. Oh, and Belgarath’s staff…just cos. ---
**Author:** ![feppytweed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/feppytweed/32/4280_2.png) [@feppytweed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/feppytweed)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/94 "2012-02-09T21:12:48Z")
> [@Hyperelastic](#): > > I would pay up to $15 for a device that could spread cold butter on bread without tearing it. Don’t want no “spreadable butter” or for that matter non-dairy spread. I want a way to put a nice uniform layer of real butter, at refrigerator temperature, on bread. What if you let the butter get room temperature, then spread it into squares on pieces of parchment paper, like they do with Sargento cheese? Then put it back into the refrigerator, and the next time you want buttered bread, just put one of your thin squares of butter on it. ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/95 "2012-02-09T21:32:06Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Katamari Damacy for PC. It’s a console-only game where you control a little ball that moves around and stuff sticks to it. You start out around the size of a pea and get bigger and bigger, and progressively larger things sticks to you. It’s a really freaking cool game, but they haven’t ported it to the PC and it makes me sad ☹ Not exactly a PC version, but you can get it for iPhone/iPad… ---
**Author:** ![KneeSid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dec6dc/32.png) [@KneeSid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneeSid)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/96 "2012-02-09T22:16:49Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > A gravy pie? Am I understanding you correctly? That sounds great ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/97 "2012-02-09T23:54:09Z")
A two-sleeve package of Ritz crackers. I very rarely indulge in them, so I don’t need a full package. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/98 "2012-02-10T14:54:58Z")
> [@Fionn](#): > > A two-sleeve package of Ritz crackers. I very rarely indulge in them, so I don’t need a full package. There’s something toward the bottom of [this page](http://www.nabiscoworld.com/ritz/news.aspx) that might suit your needs: Ritz Fresh Stacks. The crackers come in shorter sleeves, so you can open fewer at a time and they don’t sit around open. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/99 "2012-02-10T15:40:52Z")
Idle curiousity: in a couple of posts I’ve made joking references to such a thing as a “D-battery vibrator”; that is, your standard cylindrical model vibrator only large enough that it uses size-D batteries instead of size-C. My Google-fu has only turned up other apocryphal references to same. Does anyone actually make them? ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076/100 "2012-02-10T15:43:47Z")
A globe that you can stick map pins into. (World maps suck.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youd-buy-if-they-actually-existed/611076.md?page=6)