# Things You're Not Likely to Ever Hear on Jeopardy! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 10, 2005, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018 "2005-12-10T06:12:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/1 "2005-12-10T06:12:07Z")
It can be category, clue, answer, something Alex would say- anything. Knock yourself out! “I’ll take ‘Particularly Offensive Racial Slurs’ for $600, Alex.” “It’s the difference between scheming pygmies and jogging feminists…” “Our next contestant is returning champion Dave, and I understand you have a funny story about the first time your wife saw your tiny penis! Tell us about it.” “And remember that all correct answers in the category _ **Eye** Wish You Fuckin’ Would!’_ will contain the word ‘_Eye_’.” “Yes Alex, what is ‘screwing the pooch’?” “I’ll take ‘Hail Satan!’ for $200, Alex.” “And the last category is ‘Don’t Touch Me ‘There’ Daddy!’, in which we’ll describe the ‘there’ where the molestation is taking place and you identify the city.” “…in which we’ll give you a proper name and you’ll answer whether it’s a nickname for a _Dick_, a type of _Van_ or a famous _Dyke_. The $400 clue is ‘Volkswagen Bus’.” “And our categories for this round are ‘The Holocaust’, ‘Is’, ‘A’, ‘Big’ ‘Fat’ and ‘Lie’. June, as our most seemingly retarded contestant, you choose first.” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/2 "2005-12-10T06:20:01Z")
“Our next contestant is Big Ed who comes to us from a contestant search on Death Row in Parchman Farm, Mississippi.” “And the winner of Celebrity Jeopardy with $900,000 is Jennifer Love Hewitt!” “I’ll take Rhymes With Prostate for a thousand, Alex.” “Let’s make it a true Double Vag Double Ass… I mean, Daily Double, Alex.” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/3 "2005-12-10T06:35:15Z")
Alex: For this clue take a look at our monitor. Face on Monitor: Hi I’m Charlie Manson, and I’m the only free man on this Earth! You’re the one who’s in prison! I’m the devil, I eat out of your garbage can! In 1895 this Irish writer was transferred from Wandsworth Prison to Reading Gaol where he served two years at hard labor. Devil always shaves his head!" “Perfidious Jews for eight-hundred, Alex… Who was Roy Cohn?” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/4 "2005-12-10T06:36:48Z")
"Things that ryhmn with ‘urple’ Yeah, I stole that off SNL. ---
**Author:** ![Loopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loopus/32/15343_2.png) [@Loopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopus)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/5 "2005-12-10T06:39:29Z")
“No, I’m afraid that isn’t correct. Let’s see what your wager was. And it was… ‘Fuck you, Trebek’?” ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/6 "2005-12-10T07:49:13Z")
“I’ll take “Famous Porn Stars” for $500, Alex” “And the answer is: this porn star is often proclaimed as the new queen of anal, dur oin no small part to the name ‘seymore butts’ tatooted on her ass.” ---
**Author:** ![Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4da419/32.png) [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/7 "2005-12-10T13:15:00Z")
“A lot of people out there think I’m the world’s smartest man. I have news for you folks: I read the answer of the fuckin’ card! It’s written right here. When there’s a foreign name or word I rehearse pronouncing it before the show is taped. Okay? I’m just a television personality of average intelligence and I’m paid to look good and act professional. Got that?” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/8 "2005-12-10T13:57:19Z")
“I’ll take it up the ass for $500, Alex.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/9 "2005-12-10T13:59:14Z")
"I understand our returning champion is the only person to be featured on both “America’s Most Wanted” and “Oprah’s Child Molesters Segment” in one week. How did that feel? "I’ll take “People O.J. is suspected of killing” for $600, Alex. “You’ve uncovered the Daily Double. Would you like to make that a true daily double killing…uh, daily double?” ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/10 "2005-12-10T14:52:04Z")
And now, the host of Jeopardy! … president George W Bush! ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/11 "2005-12-10T14:57:51Z")
What is it …George W Bush is one and Laura Bush has one? ---
**Author:** ![Only\_Mostly\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f19dbf/32.png) [@Only\_Mostly\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Only_Mostly_Dead)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/12 "2005-12-10T15:04:09Z")
> [@Liberal](#): > > And now, the host of Jeopardy! … president George W Bush! \*I’ll take “Pot-pour-eye” for $400. The work of pioneers such as Madame Curie and Henri Becquerel were the foundation for this branch of Physics…\* I know, you said host, not contestant. Bush pronouncing Becquerel would be good too. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/13 "2005-12-10T15:08:49Z")
Well now, 'at ain’t whut it sez hyer on ma card. 'At’s another reason we went to war in Eye-rack. 'Cause people give wrong answers. 'Murka needs right answers, not wrong answers. I kin tell you hate 'Murka. Who’s turn is it now? ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/14 "2005-12-10T17:27:23Z")
“I’ll take your sister for $5, Alex.” ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/15 "2005-12-10T17:38:13Z")
Alex: “Although your answer wasn’t in the form of a question, we’ll let that slide just this once.” ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/16 "2005-12-10T17:52:11Z")
Oooh, I’m sorry. The question we were looking for was “Who were the Moops?” The Moops. ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/17 "2005-12-10T17:53:48Z")
“Famous Titties for $400, Alex” “Oh, I’ll play your game you rogue. Let’s have ‘The Rapists’ for 20.” ---
**Author:** ![middleman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@middleman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/middleman)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/18 "2005-12-10T17:55:09Z")
What is “A merkin”, Alex? ---
**Author:** ![Balle\_M](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/13edae/32.png) [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/19 "2005-12-10T18:21:29Z")
_I’ll take “Ways to Catch the Gay” for $400, Alex._ “Our next contestant, Ted, is a nuclear physicist working on advanced propulsion systems for NASA. That’s impressive. What do you like to do in your spare time?” “Well Alex, me and my buds like to get shitfaced and shoot out street lights.” ---
**Author:** ![Ins\_Outs\_What-have-yous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8797f3/32.png) [@Ins\_Outs\_What-have-yous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ins_Outs_What-have-yous)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2005, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018/20 "2005-12-10T19:03:48Z")
Alex: “Before I move on to the next contestant, will you please tell us your entire life story…” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youre-not-likely-to-ever-hear-on-jeopardy/335018.md?page=2)