Things you've learned from roadtrips

In My Humble Opinion
81

From my years of living in South Dakota:

1). Miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles…

…but the vista of the wide open spaces can be awe-inspiring…
…and if you do happen to break down, the first person driving by will stop to help you, 95% of the time…

2). Wall Drug IS neat…as are the Black HILLS (which, at 7,000 feet are higher than the Appalachian MOUNTAINS…go figure…)

  1. STAY AWAY from western South Dakota on the first week of August. The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally will pack 300,000+ (!!) bikers into a town of 3,000. A motel/hotel room? Fugeddaboudit!!! People are sleeping on lawns and happy to do so.

3). Extra gas money, like extra toll money, is always soothing to the psyche. As is a road kit, especially when driving in winter; such as blanket, a sterno can, food, water…

82

Some 40 or 50 years ago, my family learned that you should never, ever drive through Tyrone, Pennsylvannia. The stench of the paper mill(s) was disgusting.

Does anyone know if that is still true?

83

Oh my goodness, Sanibelman! How wierd, I totally agree Paducah is freakin scary!!! I grew up in Southern Illinois, ashamed to say. I live in SW Florida now. I drove here from Kasans City MO (where I lived for a couple years) just over 2 years ago! How wierd huh?! Anyway, we take off from KC right…we get to freakin Paducah KY…the car breaks down. IN PA-DU-CAH! So here we are, me and my boyfriend in all our interracial realationship glory, with a broken down VW (foreign car parts are always available in the sticks), a Saint Bernard, 6 birds and everything I own in a U-haul truck. Recipe for disaster right? You think Paducah is scary–ya so did we. It was a good thing we only had to stay there overnight. By the time we got to Florida, we were three days behind on schedule. To top it all off, we were moving to be closer to my family, well as soon as we got here, I was quickly reminded why I lived so far from thier crazy asses anyway. So I have learned from roadtrips absolutely nothing except at all costs avoid Paducah. And try to cut back on the animal travelers. Oh yes, and SW Florida is really beautiful (even thought the state of Florida is entirely too long) and I am so glad I don’t live in the midwest anymore.

84

Fatty, greasy foods will make you sleepier. Hunger can keep you awake. So can a self-inflicted charlie-horse. Sugar rushes are followed by sugar crashes. Ditto caffeine pills, plus you’ll have to pee every ten minutes. Use only as a last resort.

Avoid passing near major cities during rush hour.

Plan your city exits in advance. If entering New York, plan your street directions to the point where you have them memorized. Include parking contingencies. Better yet, park in Newark and take the train.

Keep small bills and change handy.

Carry extra quarts of oil, a jug of coolant, and a bottle of washer fluid, and a roll of paper towels. The dead bugs that will pile up on your windshield after a night of southern highway at 70mph is unbelievable. Plus you can pre-clean your toilet seats. A cheap squegee is a sound investment.

Book mark your atlas with Post-It notes.

Get gas before getting close to cities–it’s cheaper. The exception is California. Don’t ask me why. And always get gas before entering Canada. Conversely, get medical treatment before entering the US.

Always carry enough cash for a tank of gas–some older stations, and ARCOs, don’t take credit cards.

Use the ATM before you get to Vegas.

Remember that female driving companions can’t urinate on roadsides quite as easily.

Join AAA or some equivalent. Really. It’s like fifty bucks a year or something and it covers you even if you’re the passenger. Local, independent tow truck drivers may be kind-hearted or scary. Don’t take the chance.

When a big truck passes you at night, flash your headlights once when it has cleared your car and can safely merge back into your lane. The trucker will flash his perimeter lights once to acknowledge. You now have his (or her) respect. Feels reassuring, doesn’t it? Now you can semi-tailgate without pissing th trucker off.

If you must speed, wait until a real maniac passes you at 90mph. He is the point man, just like in the jungles of ‘Nam. Now you can speed up. When you see his car pulled over by a state trooper, slow down. Wait for him or another maniac to pass again.

If you are pulled over, don’t reach for the glove compartment until asked to do so. Put your hands on the top of the wheel.

Pack at least one large towel. Among other things it can be used as a pillow, a sweat barrier on leather, or a protective layer under the leaky cooler. At the motel wash it by throwing it in the shower floor and kicking it a bit under the sudsy water. Dry it on the heater.

When selecting a road trip partner, consider body odor. Trust me on this one.

Before a long trip check the car’s alignment. A poorly aligned car will be far more exhausting to drive 3000 miles, and that much distance will quickly destroy unaligned tires.

85

Fatty, greasy foods will make you sleepier. Hunger can keep you awake. So can a self-inflicted charlie-horse. Sugar rushes are followed by sugar crashes. Ditto caffeine pills, plus you’ll have to pee every ten minutes. Use only as a last resort.

Avoid passing near major cities during rush hour.

Plan your city exits in advance. If entering New York, plan your street directions to the point where you have them memorized. Include parking contingencies. Better yet, park in Newark and take the train.

Keep small bills and change handy.

Carry extra quarts of oil, a jug of coolant, and a bottle of washer fluid, and a roll of paper towels. The dead bugs that will pile up on your windshield after a night of southern highway at 70mph is unbelievable. Plus you can pre-clean your toilet seats. A cheap squegee is a sound investment.

Book mark your atlas with Post-It notes.

Get gas before getting close to cities–it’s cheaper. The exception is California. Don’t ask me why. And always get gas before entering Canada. Conversely, get medical treatment before entering the US.

Always carry enough cash for a tank of gas–some older stations, and ARCOs, don’t take credit cards.

Use the ATM before you get to Vegas.

Remember that female driving companions can’t urinate on roadsides quite as easily.

Join AAA or some equivalent. Really. It’s like fifty bucks a year or something and it covers you even if you’re the passenger. Local, independent tow truck drivers may be kind-hearted or scary. Don’t take the chance.

When a big truck passes you at night, flash your headlights once when it has cleared your car and can safely merge back into your lane. The trucker will flash his perimeter lights once to acknowledge. You now have his (or her) respect. Feels reassuring, doesn’t it? Now you can semi-tailgate without pissing th trucker off.

If you must speed, wait until a real maniac passes you at 90mph. He is the point man, just like in the jungles of ‘Nam. Now you can speed up. When you see his car pulled over by a state trooper, slow down. Wait for him or another maniac to pass again.

If you are pulled over, don’t reach for the glove compartment until asked to do so. Put your hands on the top of the wheel.

Pack at least one large towel. Among other things it can be used as a pillow, a sweat barrier on leather, or a protective layer under the leaky cooler. At the motel wash it by throwing it in the shower floor and kicking it a bit under the sudsy water. Dry it on the heater.

When selecting a road trip partner, consider body odor. Trust me on this one.

Before a long trip check the car’s alignment. A poorly aligned car will be far more exhausting to drive 3000 miles, and that much distance will quickly destroy unaligned tires.

86

Doh! Double Post Foul!

87

The number one hardest thing to do when on a road trip with other is getting everyone on the same urination schedule.

88

The following were true in March, 1992, when I drove from State College, Pennsylvania, to Houston, Texas, New Orleans, Louisiana and Athens, Georgia and back to State College with two friends in a 1984 Ford Escort.

It’s easy to learn to drive stick on interstate highways.

Radio Free Pennsylvania is not a radio station. It’s a description. Unless you like country or Christian stations.

If your parents’ house in on your way, by all means stop there. You’ll get free food.

Back roads in southern Indiana are tricky to navigate on foggy nights. It’s also hard to sleep in the back seat while your friends are driving on them, hopelessly lost.

No one will bother three guys urinating on the side of a busy highway in Kentucky at midnight.

Police will stop a beat-up car with New York plates in rural Tennessee, if you’re driving on the interstate there at three in the morning.

Police in rural Tennessee will be mystified by the holograms on your Pennsylvania driver’s license.

Let the police in rural Tennessee search your car and they’ll leave you alone.

Kelly’s Grill in Wynne, Arkansas, is a fantastic place to stop for breakfast.

March weather in Arkansas is great.

When driving through east Texas, you’ll regret it if you don’t stop at the catfish stands beside the road.

If you don’t know anyone in Houston, don’t go. You have to live there to know where the neat places are.

Don’t leave Texas without trying the brisket.

If you’re near a beach, make sure you stop and do nothing for a while, if possible, weather permitting.

Louisiana’s back roads might take longer to travel than the interstates will, but they’re worth losing time for.

If you’re used to hills, you will miss them if you spend much time in flat country.

You can buy guns and Queen tapes at the same store in Mississippi.

You can get sick of Henry Rollins after a while.

If you were supposed to bring your Hot Tuna tapes but forgot to, you’ll never hear the end of it.

Alabama cops like to talk about football, but that won’t spare you the speeding ticket.

If a traveling companion gets on your nerves, it’s best not to blow up until toward the end of the trip. Nine days is a long time to be with a person you’re pissed off at.

Traveling with a vegetarian can really limit your roadside dining options, especially if you’re travelling on the cheap. Chances are you’ll wind up eating at Taco Bell a lot, since vegetarians are happy with bean burritos.

It’s fun to get lost. Enjoy it when it happens.

Before you start the trip, have everyone chip in too much money for gas, and then divide up evenly whatever’s left when you’re done.

Southerners like to talk to complete strangers more than northerners do. It’s only polite to indulge this. And it’s fun.

**ResIpsaLoquitor—**You’re absolutely correct about the porn stores between Harrisburg and State College, Pennsylvania. All along route 30, for the most part. I never heard about it until I drove through there, and I’d already lived nearby for three years. It’s weird.

89

You actually saw a road sign in South Carolina? Are you serious? And they have nice long exit/entrance ramps too, right?

90

Both the Carolina’s have the nicest median strips w/ acres of flowers.