# Things you've said to pets that wouldn't work in your dating profile **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 3, 2008, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878 "2008-05-03T13:39:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/21 "2008-05-03T19:48:48Z")
You know what? All this hair between your toes is a real friggn nuisance. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/22 "2008-05-03T19:55:48Z")
“Get that out of your mouth! You’re not supposed to eat it, you’re supposed to play with it!” ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/23 "2008-05-03T20:10:32Z")
Must you look at me when you poop? STOP F\*\*\*\*\*\* BARKING FOR ONE F\*\*\*\*\*\* SECOND ALREADY! ---
**Author:** ![MagicEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/24 "2008-05-03T20:25:55Z")
Please don’t eat my pants. Don’t eat my toes. ---
**Author:** ![Audrey\_Levins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Audrey\_Levins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Audrey_Levins)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/25 "2008-05-03T20:37:20Z")
If you bite me one more time I’m going to punt you like a football! MY FEET ARE NOT YOUR TOYS! ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/26 "2008-05-03T21:12:21Z")
“Quit fucking your sister!” That’s what happen when you have two dogs from the same parents and your husband refuses to get the male one fixed. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/27 "2008-05-03T21:25:27Z")
"For 2 cents, I’d take you back to the humane society. Don’t try me. "(daily sentiment, really) “fucking cat” (when tripped over) “You do that again and I will kill you.” (when the cat licks the walls. Yes, you read that correctly) “Simon!” (cat’s name–unless the lover shared the moniker, it might get awkward…) ---
**Author:** ![IrreverentTone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@IrreverentTone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IrreverentTone)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/28 "2008-05-03T21:47:40Z")
Quit rubbing your ass on the new carpet! If you must do that, take HumperBear down to the bedroom. Get your anus off my leg. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/29 "2008-05-03T21:54:13Z")
[QUOTE=IrreverentTone] If you must do that, take HumperBear down to the bedroom. [/QUOTE] 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/30 "2008-05-03T23:21:32Z")
Quit licking my armpit! ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/31 "2008-05-03T23:47:19Z")
Get out of the refrigerator. You were just rolling in the kitty box!! ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/32 "2008-05-03T23:57:55Z")
Oh, where do I start? “Get off my tits!” “Shut the fuck up! It’s just the TV!” (Dogs barking on Animal Planet) “I just put that deodorant on! Quit it!” > [@Joey P](#): > > Must you look at me when you poop? “Must you look at me while I poop?” “MOVE!!!” ---
**Author:** ![pprgrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f6c823/32.png) [@pprgrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pprgrl)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/33 "2008-05-04T00:00:43Z")
Take your claws out of my tits right now! ETA: I’ve had to say this so many times to my little kitty-biscuit makers that at this point I usually just yell “Claws! Tits! Now!” ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/34 "2008-05-04T00:01:26Z")
“Did you just puke??” ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/35 "2008-05-04T00:11:33Z")
Aaaah! Claw. Nipple. OW! ---
**Author:** ![Eric\_Halfabee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Eric\_Halfabee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric_Halfabee)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/36 "2008-05-04T00:14:32Z")
“Don’t put my entire thumb in your mouth.” “Got your head! Got your head!” “Must you lick my sweaty toes?” ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/37 "2008-05-04T00:16:11Z")
Well, I doubt it’ll win the thread, but the things I’ve said to my newest pet are: (roughyly) “Jubble, wudgy wubbly wubble” “come ere you little sausage. Hewwwow sausage jubble” “eesa fubbly wubble wublle…no! no stop it! naughty!” ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/38 "2008-05-04T00:19:05Z")
“Idiot lizard.” ---
**Author:** ![IrreverentTone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@IrreverentTone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IrreverentTone)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/39 "2008-05-04T00:22:30Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] 😕 [/QUOTE] He has a plush teddy bear that he likes to hump. I call it HumperBear\*. He’ll start in on HumperBear and then look at me guiltily. Frankly, I don’t care if he wants to hump his bear but I don’t particularly want to watch. So I say, “If you must do that, take HumperBear down to the bedroom.” It doesn’t usually work and I end up ignoring him. \*Actually, it’s HumperBear II because the original was too gross for words. But we don’t like to talk about that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/40 "2008-05-04T01:55:51Z")
“Will ya quit squirming and take it like a man!” (when pilling my female grand dame kitty) “Do you HAVE to be where I am?” “Mmmmm… Ass” (other kitty loves plunking herself down in front of me to clean herself. Doesn’t matter where I am, there she is) “Quit drooling in my ear” Why do we abbreviate human names to “nick” them, but enlongate animal names? Bernie is “Bernastine” or “Berniewernie” Cleo is “Cleo-bo-Beeo” or “Cleobrat-tra” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878.md?page=3)