# Things you've said to pets that wouldn't work in your dating profile **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 3, 2008, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878 "2008-05-03T13:39:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/41 "2008-05-04T02:09:22Z")
[QUOTE=IrreverentTone] He has a plush teddy bear that he likes to hump. I call it HumperBear\*. He’ll start in on HumperBear and then look at me guiltily. Frankly, I don’t care if he wants to hump his bear but I don’t particularly want to watch. So I say, “If you must do that, take HumperBear down to the bedroom.” It doesn’t usually work and I end up ignoring him. [/QUOTE] In our house, it’s more like: “Clover! Haven’t you worn humpybear out yet?” She doesn’t look guilty when she’s done, though. ---
**Author:** ![Ragiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6de8d8/32.png) [@Ragiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ragiel)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/42 "2008-05-04T02:18:09Z")
Just a few minutes ago: “Why are you eating your claw clippings? Big old dumb cattopotamus!” ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/43 "2008-05-04T02:20:52Z")
“It’s time for you to get your balls cut off.” ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/44 "2008-05-04T02:40:48Z")
Give me the ball. No, let go, let go! ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/45 "2008-05-04T03:30:22Z")
Why do you always have to sniff my butt when I change my pants? Is that where you’re going to sleep? Where am I going to sleep? I don’t think we can sleep like that. Mommy’s going to move you now. Ok? Is it ok if I move you? Here we go, gonna move that butt… ---
**Author:** ![Alpine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpine/32/17813_2.png) [@Alpine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpine)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/46 "2008-05-04T03:34:51Z")
“Stop licking yourself! Stop! Leave it! Now!” Never works. At least it’s mostly a paw thing. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/47 "2008-05-04T03:36:03Z")
It’s a good thing I’m not at work right now. My sides hurt now. "Move, buttlickers!’ (like every other woman) “Ow! Those are my boobs! Get off!” “Stop sniffing his butt!” “You little pervert, stop crawling into my pants” (While I’m in the shower) Shouldn’t we have pics? ---
**Author:** ![Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a9a28c/32.png) [@Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oslo_Ostragoth)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/48 "2008-05-04T04:19:53Z")
“Get out from under the table!” “Quit following me around!” ---
**Author:** ![IrreverentTone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@IrreverentTone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IrreverentTone)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/49 "2008-05-04T04:29:50Z")
[Biscotti in living color.](http://s282.photobucket.com/albums/kk242/BugUglee/) ---
**Author:** ![whatsthatstory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/aca169/32.png) [@whatsthatstory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whatsthatstory)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/50 "2008-05-04T04:41:23Z")
Quit howling at me, I live here. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/51 "2008-05-04T04:44:55Z")
Ladies, Please! (The cats are playing, “I’m On The Bed And You’re Not” at 6:00 A.M.) ---
**Author:** ![movingfinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@movingfinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/movingfinger)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/52 "2008-05-04T05:36:39Z")
How long are you going to keep on digging in your cat litter box? Enough, already; your shit is safely buried now. Who do you think you are, the army Corps of Engineers? ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/53 "2008-05-04T06:38:09Z")
As said to Bernie a few minutes ago: “No thumbsies, no typesies. Now get off the keyboard.” ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/54 "2008-05-04T08:23:26Z")
Get in your cage, and I’ll give you a treat! ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/55 "2008-05-04T11:58:24Z")
It’s hard to rub your belly when you’re beating me across the face with your tail. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/56 "2008-05-04T13:13:42Z")
[QUOTE=CairoCarol] Get in your cage, and I’ll give you a treat! [/QUOTE] Like with one above, depends on the dating site. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/57 "2008-05-04T13:34:46Z")
Okay then, this one may be site-dependent too. But Og knows I say it enough: “For heaven’s sake, stop being so jealous! Both of you can sleep in bed with me at the same time, you know.” ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/58 "2008-05-04T13:40:08Z")
[QUOTE=movingfinger] How long are you going to keep on digging in your cat litter box? Enough, already; your shit is safely buried now. Who do you think you are, the army Corps of Engineers? [/QUOTE] Or: “You’re never going to reach China or any other land, you know…you can stop now.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/59 "2008-05-04T14:25:42Z")
“Aaaaw, lookit them pretty little turdies!” “Go ahead, nibble my eyebrows, see if \*I \*care.” “Hey cutie – hop on!” ---
**Author:** ![Ragiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6de8d8/32.png) [@Ragiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ragiel)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/60 "2008-05-04T14:33:39Z")
“Marcus just scared himself away. Can’t you do that?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878.md?page=4)