# Things you've said to pets that wouldn't work in your dating profile **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 3, 2008, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878 "2008-05-03T13:39:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/61 "2008-05-04T14:54:53Z")
Look at you! You are just an attention-seeking little slut! (Actually, one time I said this to my cat my friend responded with, “And so’s your mom!”) ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/62 "2008-05-04T17:51:14Z")
Oh and of course: “Dear god, when did you eat the skunk?!” ---
**Author:** ![katie1341](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/91b2a8/32.png) [@katie1341](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/katie1341)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/63 "2008-05-04T19:55:59Z")
“Did you just squeak your anal glands on me?” ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/64 "2008-05-04T20:36:21Z")
“Good Boy! You ate all your dindin!” “Wanna go outside and poop?” “Don’t you bare those teeth at me!” ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/65 "2008-05-04T21:01:45Z")
(to other peoples’ dogs:) “Get your nose outta my crotch! You don’t know me that well!” To my Orange Julius: “He is Death To Mousies, yes he is!” ---
**Author:** ![Hugh\_Jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4da419/32.png) [@Hugh\_Jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugh_Jass)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/66 "2008-05-04T22:16:06Z")
Your farts peel the paint off of the walls, but you are the sweetest little girl EVER! ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/67 "2008-05-04T22:38:34Z")
Well one of our pets is a kitten, so the high levels of cute overload the speech centers… Jubble. wuzzynublfuwubblywub. sausage. jubbly wibblywubble. ---
**Author:** ![Capcha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/82dd89/32.png) [@Capcha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capcha)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/68 "2008-05-05T00:36:20Z")
Your breath smells like ass… Get your face outta my cleavage! ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/69 "2008-05-05T00:48:58Z")
Just now: “Don’t lick my knee!” Cats is weird, I swear. ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/70 "2008-05-05T03:11:10Z")
Stop setting you self on fire, dammit! ---
**Author:** ![Achren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@Achren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achren)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/71 "2008-05-05T06:56:20Z")
[QUOTE=Eric Halfabee] “Got your head! Got your head!” [/QUOTE] Glad I’m not the only one. “That’s the ceiling, does it smell interesting?” “STOP CHASING COCKROACHES OVER MY FEET!” “Dear Og, what crawled down your throat and died?” ---
**Author:** ![madrabbitwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@madrabbitwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madrabbitwoman)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/72 "2008-05-05T09:50:38Z")
Argh I’m trying to use the loo - stop rolling in my undies! (to the rabbit) Can’t you leave the pussy cat alone? STOP trying to eat the pussy (even I cannot believe I said that) (to a former rabbit) George, stop having sex with your son! ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/73 "2008-05-05T10:17:35Z")
Get your cold, wet nose outta my ass! (An ex-GF’s dog once prompted that comment when the GF and I were “occupied” as it were.) ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/74 "2008-05-05T10:39:35Z")
[QUOTE=brujaja] Get your nose outta my crotch! [/QUOTE] Dammit, that was mine. (Actually, ‘get your face out of my crotch’, but, same sentiment.) Anyway, not to my pets (can’t have one ☹ ), but to those of friends and relatives, I’ve said the above, plus: ‘No biting!’ ‘Teeth bad!’ (Hey, would you date someone who didn’t know that?) To a stray cat in the neighbourhood, when she takes up residence outside my window during her heat: ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, are you ever NOT horny?’ ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/75 "2008-05-05T11:10:08Z")
“Don’t wag. Don’t wag. **Don’t** - dammit” “You really lack the brains God gave the turnip, don’t you?” “Stop trying to look innocent, you horny bitch!” (When said bitch was found having jumped two fences to be with the male dog. And they were still knotted together.) And, finally - “I don’t care that you’re knocked up. I don’t care that you have cravings. Keep your goddamed mouth out of the litterbox!” ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/76 "2008-05-05T13:26:49Z")
To the kittens I just got yesterday: You have to keep the nipple in your mouth if you expect to get any food out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/77 "2008-05-05T16:32:07Z")
Get your head out of the toilet you goof. Don’t eat mommy. ---
**Author:** ![TheMerchandise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b487fb/32.png) [@TheMerchandise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMerchandise)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/78 "2008-05-05T16:39:29Z")
Wanna come up here? Come up on my lap! Come on! Come on! Come on up! Up on my lap! Come on! … Stupid. Stop biting your toes! Why don’t you ever poke Daddy? Go poke him, leave me alone! ---
**Author:** ![Ultraviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/c77e96/32.png) [@Ultraviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ultraviolet)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/79 "2008-05-05T18:06:56Z")
“Stop eating my hair!” “No, don’t poke me there. Poke me here” ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/80 "2008-05-05T20:09:04Z")
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