# Things you've said to pets that wouldn't work in your dating profile **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 3, 2008, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878 "2008-05-03T13:39:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Kuboydal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecb155/32.png) [@Kuboydal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kuboydal)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/81 "2008-05-05T20:34:19Z")
Goddammit T, if you insist on doing that in bed yer gonna have to sleep in the cage again. ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/82 "2008-05-05T22:14:23Z")
“Stop biting my face, you freak.” (Charles T. Cat has dominance issues.) “Will you settle down and suck your toe already?” (Newt has neurotic sucking issues, but has focused them all on a back paw. It’s like cat thumb sucking, but with toes.) ---
**Author:** ![phil417](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6bbea6/32.png) [@phil417](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phil417)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/83 "2008-05-05T22:34:57Z")
If you’ve got to fart, go sit in someone else’s lap. ---
**Author:** ![Capcha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/82dd89/32.png) [@Capcha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capcha)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/84 "2008-05-05T22:53:22Z")
remembered another one (thanks to **phil417** ) : Why are you giving _ME_ that look? _YOU’RE_ the one who pooted! ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2008, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/85 "2008-05-05T22:54:32Z")
[QUOTE=Athena] “Quit fucking your sister!” That’s what happen when you have two dogs from the same parents and your husband refuses to get the male one fixed. [/QUOTE] And its, uh, twisted sister: “Stop humping your brother!\*”. Mine are both shootin’ blanks but it doesn’t slow Sisty down one bit. \*While humming the theme from _Deliverance_. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/86 "2008-05-06T05:52:39Z")
“Get over it, Sea Bass.” (Sternly): “BOO.” “You have: [pink toe, black toe, pink toe, black toe!](http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/4987/pinktoedx8.jpg)” ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/87 "2008-05-06T12:38:25Z")
Bruno, are you pooping? You are! Wow, check that out. Hey everybody! Come look at Bruno! He’s pooping! You’re so beautiful, Lloyd…now that I’ve got used to your face. By the way, I know you were wiping your nose on me. ---
**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/88 "2008-05-06T14:12:54Z")
Said to [Wally](http://picasaweb.google.com/elizabeth.d.johnson/Kitties/photo?authkey=SyJjpqEh55I#5181088000461592082) yesterday: “QUIT sniffing my panties!” I’d missed the dirty clothes hamper and they were on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/89 "2008-05-06T19:34:16Z")
Shut the fuck up, you ungrateful little bastard!!! Said to our dog, who sleeps with my Darling Marcie (I don’t) and who snarls and barks at me if I only walk past the door. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/90 "2008-05-06T20:00:19Z")
“Stop licking your dick so I can put your diaper on.” ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/91 "2008-05-06T20:12:17Z")
“Don’t you dare fart on me!” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/92 "2008-05-06T20:56:29Z")
[QUOTE=cwthree] “Stop licking your dick so I can put your diaper on.” [/QUOTE] Ladies and gentlemen, when faced with such a phrase that…“wouldn’t work” I can only withdraw my meager, mildly amusing entry and stand aside for this one. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/93 "2008-05-06T22:11:16Z")
I like kitty whiskers. I like to make 'em go _twonk!_ (Said as I push them the wrong way, then let go.) ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/94 "2008-05-06T22:40:18Z")
Is that my ickle boy? Gimme your tummy! ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2008, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/95 "2008-05-06T23:50:44Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] [QUOTE=cwthree] “Stop licking your dick so I can put your diaper on.” [/QUOTE] Ladies and gentlemen, when faced with such a phrase that…“wouldn’t work” I can only withdraw my meager, mildly amusing entry and stand aside for this one. [/QUOTE] The Wonder Beagle (a sweet little old guy, even if he does, as **OtakuLoki** put it, lack the brains of a turnip) is, alas, incontinent. Nevertheless, he is exceedingly well house-trained. On those rare occasions that he finds himself indoors and naked, he copes by assiduously licking his penis and sheath. He actually does a pretty good job of staying clean as long as he’s awake, but in general I prefer that he pull his head out of his crotch (?) so I can apply a clean wrap. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/96 "2008-05-07T00:11:11Z")
[QUOTE=cwthree] The Wonder Beagle [/QUOTE] Don’t spoil it. You’re gonna win the thread if you don’t spoil it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckler_of_Swashing)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/97 "2008-05-07T08:25:05Z")
“Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!” “Hello!” “Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!” “Hello!” “Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!” “Hello!” “Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!” “Guess what!?” “Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!” “It’s time to shut up!” “Thank you.” “Hey, I didn’t say it was time to shut up and eat my stuff! It’s hardly ever that time!” ---
**Author:** ![Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a9a28c/32.png) [@Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oslo_Ostragoth)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2008, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/98 "2008-05-13T00:38:51Z")
[QUOTE=cwthree] “Stop licking your dick so I can put your diaper on.” [/QUOTE] Dog diapers? Tell me more, please. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/99 "2008-05-13T20:20:38Z")
“You know, I really like your other end better.” “Stop sniffing your sister’s butt!” “Got your tail!” “Stop licking my head!” Cats. Can’t live with 'em, can’t eat 'em. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shecky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85e7bf/32.png) [@Shecky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shecky)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2008, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878/100 "2008-05-14T11:59:30Z")
to the calico one: “Who wants a spanking?!” to her brother: “I see you! You cannot hide! I am the Undisputed International Champion of I See You!” The Sheckstress tells a different story: Calico: “If you get your butt out of my face, you may have some corn.” Brother: “Is it breat time already? Ok, let me clear everything off.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-youve-said-to-pets-that-wouldnt-work-in-your-dating-profile/447878.md?page=6)