# This is especially complicated. Does he like me? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 24, 2015, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296 "2015-12-24T22:01:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2015, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/61 "2015-12-26T18:51:04Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > Absolutely. Plus, look at the OP’s username. That says it all. > > Upthread I agreed with someone who mentioned the marriage angle. I agreed with that because, in my own experience, most men in the customer’s age range were already married back when I was the OP’s age. If they weren’t married there was something definitely “off” with them to make them _want_ to be with somebody my age. It’s true that by age 46, over 80% of all American men have been married. But of those, a mere 53% are still in their first marriage. Of the 44% of first marriages that ended in divorce, 36% had a second marriage that also ended in divorce. [http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm](http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm) I say this to suggest that while the odds are somewhat better than not that an average 42 year old man is married, it’s not an overwhelming percentage. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2015, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/62 "2015-12-26T20:30:22Z")
> [@Alittlesmitten](#): > > Man, I kinda hate everybody my age. I hardly see them as dating material. I don’t know what it is but I just feel like I don’t have time for them. Like they’d either want a strong emotional relationship or no kind of relationship at all. What about the inbetween, though? I couldn’t be on either side of the spectrum. People around here get all clingy and mushy or there’s like nothing. There’s no balance with these guys (I had to keep from saying “kids” because I’m in the same age group as them and almost forgot). I felt the same at your age. Most of the men/kids I knew were exactly like that. And this was back 30 years ago. Good luck with your future relationships. You have a good head on your shoulders, and will surely find a good match when you’re ready. ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2015, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/63 "2015-12-26T21:22:55Z")
Thumbs up to the OP for sticking with this thread and actually considering what others have to say. I’ve seen so many of these relationship type post by newbies where the poster disregards everything they don’t want to hear and then disappears. Welcome to The Dope. I hope you stick around. No advice to offer that hasn’t been given already. ---
**Author:** ![Alittlesmitten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@Alittlesmitten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alittlesmitten)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2015, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/64 "2015-12-26T22:02:13Z")
I really appreciate you guys’ advice. I don’t think there’s anybody I can actually bring something like this to and get legit advice. I can’t trust my friends’ advice because they’re my age or younger and… well, yeah, they’re young. And I don’t talk to my mom about stuff like this. I just don’t. And especially since the guy is 42 - the same age as her. And, of course, not my dad. I probably could talk to grandma about it but she can’t keep her mouth shut, so she’d tell mom and that’s not an option. So y’all are really awesome being older and experienced and able to give me the advice I don’t feel comfortable seeking from the people around me. So thanks a lot 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2015, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/65 "2015-12-26T23:27:05Z")
Stick around kid. You have [spunk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etyO7T6WGwU). ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2015, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/66 "2015-12-27T23:49:41Z")
There’s a lot of decent advice so far. No point in me laying out my spin on that. So I’m going to operationalize this. Everybody else has talked about what to \*think \*about all this. It’s time to talk about what to \*do \*about all this. Step one is to decide your own goals and boundaries. e.g. [ul][li]I want / don’t want to have sex with this guy no matter what.[_]I’d be happy / hurt if this was nothing but a short intense fling.[_]I want / don’t want anything long term no matter how well things develop.I want / don’t want to tell my parents & close friends no matter how well (or how badly) things develop.[/ul]There are several more pertinent questions, but these few will give you some sign posts to find the others that you think matter to you.[/li] My point is NOT that there is a \*right \*or \*wrong \*answer to any of these. Or that these are even the 4 most important/ pertinent questions. But you need to know (or at least think you know) what \*your \* key questions and answers are before you start this game. To be sure your answers may change if this relationship has legs and unfolds favorably. But it’s darn smart to at least have some landmarks pre-surveyed before you jump in the deep end. That avoids ad libbing yourself into an unhappy mess when your hormones are raging. Armed with those answers your next action is to change the terms of this budding relationship from customer-vs-cashier to potential date. Probably the simple safe way is to offer a nearby coffee date at the same time of day that he comes through your store but on a different day of the week when you’re not working. He’ll either back-pedal ("Sorry to mislead, I was being friendly, not flirty; I’m married; you’re too young; you’re too not-my-race, etc.), be non-committal ("er um maybe next week …), or accept outright, maybe countering with a different time/place. The first two answers are simple. Disappointing, but simple: this relationship was all in your head and it’s over now. The last answer is much more interesting. Whatever counter date he offers, accept it as long as it sounds physically safe. And get back to us pronto for more advice. FYI, I’m a white guy who used to frequent a particular restaurant after finishing work late at night nearby. After a couple meals there I ended up with a favorite waitress who was black. We were friendly for a month or so (probably 8-10 meals) before she finally said “So when are you going to ask me out?” I said “Right now; before a moment ago I didn’t think you’d be interested.” We had a very nice relationship for about 6 months before we parted on good terms. You remind me of her a bunch. Young, but savvy in many ways. And very articulate. The big difference between us two and you two is that I was 21 in grad school and she was 18 going to junior (community) college. So we didn’t have the age issue you have. But 35 years ago the interracial thing was a bigger deal than it is today. So all in all you may be about even with where I was. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2015, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/67 "2015-12-28T07:29:45Z")
Hi **Alittlesmitten** , I missed this because I’ve not been checking this board particularly regularly, but I just came across this thread. It’s funny because this is like _exactly_ my romantic fantasy, though from the ‘older guy’ perspective (though I’m 34, not 42). Clearly I need to start wearing suits more often. In any case: I think you should go for it. You’re clearly attracted to this guy, my guess is that he’s super interested in you, and if you don’t go for it now, you’ll end up regretting it. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s hard enough to find love in the world, that you shouldn’t turn it away when you get the opportunity. There are a lot of people in our society who are prejudiced against people dating outside their age-group, race, or class. The best thing to do is to ignore them. Part of life is learning to accept the fact that you can’t please everyone in life, and you really have no reason to try, especially when it comes to something as personal as your dating life. You seem to have some idea of what you want, and you should have the confidence to go for it. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2015, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/68 "2015-12-28T13:33:50Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > As I stated, I can’t imagine a normal guy his age wanting a relationship with someone your age. Why ever not? I’m 34, but that sounds like a perfect relationship to me, and I can’t imagine thinking any differently when I’m that guy’s age. Some guys like women the same age, some like them older, some like them younger. The OP apparently isn’t really into guys her age really. Maybe this will turn into a fling, maybe it will turn into nothing at all, and maybe he’s really as ‘smitten’ with the OP as she apparently is with him. Again, I would go for it. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2015, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/69 "2015-12-28T15:18:56Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > The likelihood of feeling used is high. This is quite common irrespective of age differential. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2015, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/70 "2015-12-28T19:57:16Z")
> [@Alittlesmitten](#): > > So I’ve got this all bottled up inside me and I can’t do anything about it. Aghhh! Give the guy a BJ. If he lets you finger his pooper then you’ll know that he likes you and then you two can be boyfriend and girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2015, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/71 "2015-12-28T20:36:07Z")
Seriously, people? This shit AGAIN? ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2015, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/72 "2015-12-28T20:41:50Z")
Don’t be a party pooper. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/73 "2015-12-29T00:29:48Z")
To be honest, it’s difficult to give you a definitive answer because we are seeing the relationship through your love smitten 19 year old eyes. But given the age/economic class/race differences, there is a fair chance that he’s just a nice, attractive guy and you’re projecting your attraction for him onto every encounter. Speaking as a 43 year old, there is a huge cultural difference between a full grown, middle aged man and a girl who is unable to legally drink. [For example, he is probably familiar with this song, while you probably aren’t.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNIZofPB8ZM) > [@Frank](#): > > Oh, for Pete’s sake! > > Yes, the working class, after rising at four am and having a little gruel, heads off to the mill for sixteen hours, returning to their hovel only to have a little more gruel and sink onto a pallet of rags. For six and a half days each week. > > Talk about classism! Seriously. When do they have time to get knocked up at 16?😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/74 "2015-12-29T01:08:05Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > [For example, he is probably familiar with this song, while you probably aren’t.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNIZofPB8ZM) Since that song was about underage high school girls and their teachers, I struggle the see the relevance. The age of consent in this country is 18, last I checked, so the OP isn’t underage in any way, shape or form. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/75 "2015-12-29T02:25:37Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > This is quite common irrespective of age differential. True, but when you have a 42 year old man and a young woman who has never dated and has no real life support in this case\*, I would say the odds of feeling used likely. At 44, can I get hurt? Sure. Like you said, we all can. But it’s easier to see through a lot, too, and not fall for what is clear pick up artistry (stuff I’m very sure I would have fallen for at 19). It’s simply my opinion that this is a terrible idea to pursue. \*meaning this isn’t something she feels she can talk to with her mom or friends. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/76 "2015-12-29T02:39:58Z")
> [@Hector\_St\_Clare](#): > > Since that song was about underage high school girls and their teachers, I struggle the see the relevance. The age of consent in this country is 18, last I checked, so the OP isn’t underage in any way, shape or form. You must’ve checked in the wrong place because there is no national age of consent in the US. 😉 The age of consent in the US varies by state. It’s never higher than 18, but it’s often lower. The OP says she lives in “the South”, where most states (not all, but most) have an age of consent of 16. ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/77 "2015-12-29T03:09:47Z")
I’m 58 and it’s not unusual for me to have a geezer crush on young women. Sometimes it’s a cashier at a retail place, sometimes one of the many young ladies that pass through the place where I work. But…I have never pursued it. I usually don’t ever know their name. I don’t flirt with them. It’s enough to me to just recognize and admire whatever it is in them that caught my attention. If anything, I’d be afraid that some fickle hearted young thing would break MY heart! I’m old, not _dead_! ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/78 "2015-12-29T03:36:56Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > To be honest, it’s difficult to give you a definitive answer because we are seeing the relationship through your love smitten 19 year old eyes. This is true, it’s hard to relate. Do what I did and try picturing the OP as a male in his 40s, rather than a teenage girl with a crush on an older man, and then maybe you’ll think of lots of things to say. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/79 "2015-12-29T05:53:45Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > This is true, it’s hard to relate. Do what I did and try picturing the OP as a male in his 40s, rather than a teenage girl with a crush on an older man, and then maybe you’ll think of lots of things to say. I don’t think it’s as backwards compatible as that. From a cultural perspective it’s more acceptable for young females to be involved with older males: but the times they are a’changin’. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296/80 "2015-12-29T12:02:59Z")
Say to him “I really find you attractive. Do you have a son who’s just like you?”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-especially-complicated-does-he-like-me/741296.md?page=5)