# This is my brain. This is my brain on Marlo Thomas. Any Questions? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 4, 2001, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363 "2001-10-04T12:13:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/1 "2001-10-04T12:13:22Z")
Fuck You Marlo Thomas! Fuck you and your shrilly feminist screed[sup]\*[/sup] of “Free to Be You and Me”. (For those of you under 30-something, “Free to Be You and Me” was an hour-long cartoon/record album where Marlo Thomas got a fairly impressive array of talent to do a “Gender roles are meaningless, dammit!” theme. But (at least filtered through 30 years of memory) it was about as subtle as a sledge hammer in the face. And it was _annoying_. It was filled with songs that latch onto your brain and never go away. Fuck you, Brain. Fuck you and your ability to a) dig up shit that was 30 years buried and B) play it incessantly on my mental radio. Once you (my brain) latch onto something, you hang onto it like a starving journalist on a Kennedy scandal I woke up yesterday with the theme to “Free to Be You and Me” running through my brain. It was sung by some crappy neo-folk group like The Doodletown Pipers, The New Seekers, Up With People or The New Christy Minstrels. (I just checked…it was the remarkably useless New Seekers…at least the old Seekers did “Georgy Girl”) Anyway, I wake up with the braying refrain in my brain: \* There’s a land that I see Where the children are free And I see it ain’t far to this land from where we are Take my hand, come along lend your voice to my song Sing my song, take my hand and we’ll beeeeeeEEEEEEE[sup]EEEEEEE[sup]EEEEEE[/sup][/sup] in a land where the rivers run free in a land with a green coun-try in a land with a shining sea in a land where the children are free and you and me are free to be you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! \* It won’t go out of my brain. I tried and tried. I tried singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” Didn’t work, they mixed with not entirely sucessful results: \* in a land where the rivers run free in a land with a green coun-try in a land where I can see a little silhouette-o of a man Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Can you do the Fandago? Thunderbolts and Lightning Very very frightining to you and me are free to be you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! \* That didn’t work at all, and somewhere, somewhere, Freddy Mercury weeps. So I bang my head against a wall some more to try to get that “and you and me are free to be you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” refrain out of my head. And it worked. But not the way I would have chosen. Another song from “Free to be” popped up instead. Marlo Thomas warbled this little tune about how gender-based career choices are irrelevant in a post-industrial society. Again, true, but un-fucking-subtle. And the lyrics? Well, they’re just plain retarded. And annoying. \*Bill Told Jill That he really liked to cook Jill Told Bill That she could bait a real fishhook So they made eewy-gooey chocolate cake sticky-licky and they gobbled it and giggled and they sat by the water and they fished in the river while the dead squirmy-wormies twitched and wiggled. (this may not be quite right) Singing Glad to have a friend like you Fair and fun and skipping free Glad to have a friend like you And glad you just like me. \* And that’s even worse, because it’s so easy to screw with that I can’t finish the song. I just write more verses. Each one more horribly wrong than the last. The “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice” verse was the most evil that my brain has come up with so far. I shall surely go to Hell for it: \*Carol Told Ted That it was lots of fun to swap! Bob Told Alice He liked spankings with riding crops! So they got into Kama-Sutra bed Orgy-worgy and they screwed and they licked and fucked and giggled and they fucked on the floors in the den, in the kitchen, in the car while the squirmy-spermies wriggled Singing Glad to have a fuck like you Wet and warm, sexually free Glad you are my fuck buddy too and glad that you’ll fuck me. \* ☹ I am _so_ going to Hell. My brain came up with that on it’s own. I disavow any responsiblity. All of it. (Maybe my brain will go to Hell and not the rest of me?) There were a couple of Science Fiction stories about songs that latched onto your brain and drove you mad (Kuttner’s wonderful “Nothing But Gingerbread Left” and Leiber’s “Rum-titti-titti-tum-TA-te” to name two). I now know what the victims in those stories felt like. Brain: it’s been 30 years since I heard this crap. I didn’t like it then (Carole King’s “Really Rosie” was done during the same era, but was _far_ better done) and I don’t like it now. Why dig this shit up? What triggered it? What are you trying to tell me? You’re playing it on radio FNRS night and day. How 'bout some Ella Fitzgerald doing Cole Porter for a change. Ok? Please? Fenris, going slowly-woahly mad [sup]\*[/sup]I’m not complaining about feminism, equal rights for women, or anything like that. The key here is shrillness. And bad, bad rhymes (sticky-licky?). ---
**Author:** ![Blackclaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e68b1a/32.png) [@Blackclaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackclaw)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/2 "2001-10-04T12:18:31Z")
**Any Questions?** Yes, several. But they are probably best answered by your therapist. ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/3 "2001-10-04T12:21:27Z")
Fenris, when you have an annoying song stuck in your head, use the Candyland method. Whistle the theme to Candyland. It will instantly replace any annoying song stuck in your cache. Of course, some might say that the cure is worse than the disease…but hey, we’re talking Marlo Thomas here. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/4 "2001-10-04T12:22:02Z")
My poor wife has stuck in her brain the vision of Marlo telling, on national TV and in a program aimed at young people, about having sex with _Phil Donahue_ (eeeeewwwww!) during her menstrual period. I believe it caused permanent damage because Wife brings it up whenever Marlo is mentioned. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/5 "2001-10-04T12:29:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dropzone \* > \*\*during her menstrual period. \*\* Do you also mean when she was a singer? Bobby Gentry and Little Green Apples does it to me, Fenris. And now because of dropzone I’m gonna have a visual of she and Glen Campbell slapping uglies on some Applachian porch in a manner befitting dueling banjos. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/6 "2001-10-04T12:33:15Z")
> [@](#): > > There were a couple of Science Fiction stories about songs that latched onto your brain and drove you mad (Kuttner’s wonderful “Nothing But Gingerbread Left” and Leiber’s “Rum-titti-titti-tum-TA-te” to name two). I now know what the victims in those stories felt like. Mark Twain beat them all to this particular punch. I can’t recall the tuitle (ha! but true), but I’ve got it on several recordings of Twain stories. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/7 "2001-10-04T12:40:57Z")
**THespos** : The “Candyland” method (do you mean “The Candy Man”? I don’t think I know Candyland) for me is usually achieved with “Bohemian Rhapsody”. But let’s try… _Who can make the sun rise Sprinkle it with dew Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two? The Candyman can! The Candyman makes Everything he bakes Satisfying and delicious Talk about your childhood wishes You and me can even eat the dishes In a land where the children are free In a land through the green country and you and me are free to be you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_ Shit. **Drop** : Thanks just loads. Now I got another verse to the same “And you and me/are free to be/you and meeeeee” tune: _And it’s so great To fuck my Phil While I menstruate!_ Eeeewwwww… Fenris ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/8 "2001-10-04T12:50:01Z")
“Look, Fenris. dropzone says everytime Marlo sings, a maxipad gets it’s wings!” in lieu of ZuZu ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/9 "2001-10-04T13:14:20Z")
Hey **Fenris**! You forgot my favorite! > [@](#): > > A doll! A doll! > William wants a doll! ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/10 "2001-10-04T13:15:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > bed > Orgy-worgy > and they screwed and they licked and fucked and giggled > and they fucked on the floors > in the den, in the kitchen, in the car > while the squirmy-spermies wriggled > Singing > Glad to have a fuck like you > Wet and warm, sexually free > Glad you are my fuck buddy too > and glad that you’ll fuck me. Oh dear LORD. [upon preview . . . great/Phil/menstruate] I am crying, I’m laughing so hard. I love you. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/11 "2001-10-04T13:21:09Z")
Thanks, Fenris. Now I’ve got Rosie Grier singing “It’s Alright To Cry” in the back of my mind. Gaaaaaaaah. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/12 "2001-10-04T13:25:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Glad to have a fuck like you > Wet and warm, sexually free > Glad you are my fuck buddy too > and glad that you’ll fuck me. Ha! I shall be singing this all day now. I want your love child, **Fenris**. ---
**Author:** ![lucwarm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@lucwarm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucwarm)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/13 "2001-10-04T13:40:16Z")
blatant agenda way too many key changes get out of my mind ---
**Author:** ![Mandelstam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Mandelstam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mandelstam)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/14 "2001-10-04T13:49:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blackclaw \* > \*\ ***Any Questions?** > > Yes, several. But they are probably best answered by your therapist. \*\* I gotta go with **Blackclaw** on this one. “Free to be You and Me” is not likely to be an adult crowd pleaser, but “shrill” feminism it just aint. In fact your OP was 1,000 times more shrill than Marlo’s kiddy fodder. As to “un-subtle,” yeesh, **Fenris** , do you ever watch kids’ shows? The less subtle the more they love it. Do I think Barney is a cloying and deadly dull dino? Absolutely. But when my son was four he couldn’t get enough of the Big Purple PC One. What’s next? Shari Lewis as a fomenter of militant gendercrossing amongst sheep? Mr. Rogers as proto-anarchist? ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/15 "2001-10-04T13:57:10Z")
Oh, this is bringing up evil memories. When I was a kid I had a record player, and not too many records, and this was one of them. Do I remember some sort of cartoon special made out of this record, or is this part of some hallucination? > [@](#): > > “Ladies first! Ladies first!”, she said. > So they did. She was very tasty too." ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_Babe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Abe\_Babe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_Babe)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/16 "2001-10-04T14:01:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CalMeacham \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > There were a couple of Science Fiction stories about songs that latched onto your brain and drove you mad (Kuttner’s wonderful “Nothing But Gingerbread Left” and Leiber’s “Rum-titti-titti-tum-TA-te” to name two). I now know what the victims in those stories felt like. > > Mark Twain beat them all to this particular punch. I can’t recall the tuitle (ha! but true), but I’ve got it on several recordings of Twain stories. \*\* I remember that story. He had some commercial jingle in his head and couldn’t get it out. Shortly before going insane, the narrator managed to sing enough of it to get it into the head of some other poor slob. Our hero was “cured.” Of course, the other guy was pretty much screwed. My point (and I do have one) is to go around proudly singing the tune for all who can hear. Proclaim it as loudly as **JDT** singing the praises of uncuttedness. Shout it like **Scylla’s** semi-quarterly Amish rant. Only then will the voices go away. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/17 "2001-10-04T14:11:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jonathan Chance \* > \*\*Hey **Fenris**! > > You forgot my favorite! > > > [@](#): > > > > A doll! A doll! > > William wants a doll! > > \*\* Gawddamnyou **Jonathan**! _William wants a doll So when he is a father some day He’ll know how To wash it and dress it Put diapers on double and gently caress it to bring up a bubble._ And I’m sorry. I understand their point, but I remember as a kid thinking “I could kick that sissy’s doll-boy’s ass”. And I was a really, really mellow kid. I don’t object to a boy playing with a doll, but the presentation was just badly done. **John** Didn’t Rosie pronounce it: _Izzz awright tuh cry…"_ **Mandalstam** “Really Rosie” by Sendak and King, I loved. “The Point” by Nilsson and um…Dustin Hoffman(?) I was obsessed with. I understand that unsubtle works for kids. To me, filtered through 30 years of memories, I remember hating “Free to Be”. It didn’t feel like teaching it felt like lecturing. And kids _can_ tell the difference between being taught and being lectured. In any event, this rant is more about the fact that I’ve got the goddamned songs stuck in my head, than Marlo’s agenda in this piece. (Which, like I said, I generally agree with). **Capt. Amazing** : I’m fairly certain that this was part of “Free to Be” (Shel Silverstein maybe?) Fenris ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/18 "2001-10-04T14:14:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\*THespos: The “Candyland” method (do you mean “The Candy Man”? I don’t think I know Candyland) for me is usually achieved with “Bohemian Rhapsody”. > \*\* Nope. Not “The Candy Man.” I’m talking about the Candyland theme. It was a tune from a 1980s commercial for the board game “Candyland.” It was whistled in the commercial, and it is just about the most addictive tune I’ve ever heard. Anybody else know what I’m talking about? Or do I have to write this out in some kind of musical notation? ---
**Author:** ![lucwarm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@lucwarm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucwarm)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/19 "2001-10-04T14:22:09Z")
> [@](#): > > _William wants a doll > So when he is a father some day > He’ll know how > To wash it and dress it > Put diapers on double > and gently caress it > to bring up a bubble._ Who could forget the best line of the entire song, especially for us dopers? > [@](#): > > “Don’t be a jerk,” said his older brother And by the way folks, please keep in mind that pushing your agenda on your children can backfire. (I remember my parents never let me have toy guns . . . you can probably guess what’s happened since then) ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363/20 "2001-10-04T14:24:37Z")
> [@](#): > > In a land > where the children are free > In a land > through the green country > and you and me are free to be > you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :eek: Anyone get flashes of Children of the Corn during this verse? MALACHAI! MALACHAI! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-is-my-brain-this-is-my-brain-on-marlo-thomas-any-questions/85363.md?page=2)