A guy I work with tells me he was on a flight once where they told everyone to get into crash positions (head down between the knees). Of course the first thing I thought of was the scene in “Airplane!” where people are hanging over the seats, screaming, etc. 
You stick a good pilot in cement overshoes and shove him out of the plane at 30,000 ft., and he will spend all the time he has left trying to bring it in for a safe landing.
<bing> “This is your Captain speaking. If you look out the front of the plane, you’ll see a mountain goat.” <crunch>
Or the Far Side one where the captain is yelling “Oh my God! The fuel light’s on! We’re out of fuel! We’re going to die!”
“Oh, wait. that’s the intercom light.”
Or something like that.
Maybe he was dictating.
I’ve never been a fan of containing public chaos. If I have proof of aliens, an impending meteor strike, or the Apocalypse, I’d release it to the world and just sit back and watch what people would do. If I were the captain, I’d tell everyone we’re all gonna die and you better do everything you’ve always wanted to do in the next few minutes.
The other example that jumps to mind is USAir 427, which when approaching Pittsburgh simply rolled over, went nose down, and plowed right into the ground like a lawn dart. Once it was in trouble it was dead; there was never any point from it first pitching downward when it was not hurtling straight at the ground.
But that period of time was just half a minute; I am sure the pilots were trying to figure out what the hell was happening the entire time, as there’s no way they could have even known that to make the announcement suggested in the OP. * A failure that is truly catastrophic will usually cause the airplane’s destruction in far less time that it would take the flight crew to realize the event is truly catastrophic.*
“Attention folks, this your your captain speaking…We are preparing to land…Please return to your seats, put your trays in the upright position, extinguish all cigarettes, fasten your seat belt, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye!”
I was on a flight to Mexico where the captain came on, gave us the usual speech about cruising altitude, etc., then broke off as someone was speaking to him in the cockpit.
Then proceeds to tell us that he has bad news and that it seems there is a serious problem with the airplane’s …errr… coffee machine!
For a couple of seconds, you could have cut the air with a knife, then there was a unanimous sigh of relief as everyone finally exhaled!
I’d hope he’d lead us all on “Always look on the bright side of Life!”
IRL. My Dad had this happen when he was deadheading on a C47 but all the pilot said was “Eh, it’s a Gooniebird, we’ll just glide it in”. :eek:
If it is headed for the side of a cliff at zero mph, then it is effectively suspended in space and you have infinite time before it impacts anything.
At that point I would worry more about how you’re going to get out of the damned thing.
I have a relative that was on United 232, and that’s what the captain said as they were preparing to land. “It’s going to be the roughest landing you’ve ever experienced,” then in the final approach “Brace, brace, brace!”
Maybe the onboard computer will begin to sing a rousing rendition of “You’ll Never Walk Alone”
Ah, the Douglas c-47 “Skytrain”
I have actually flown in one as a military dependent For something designed and produced in 1941 they were one hell of a plane. Backbone of the Berlin Airlift, as Puff putting terror into Vietnam and militarys everywhere. It is freaking amazing that you will see them still in the air on their way to some airshow or another.
I always wished for the money and pilots license to have one and keep it properly maintained. It would be killer as an RV for airshows and fly ins =)
“Wouldn’t this be a great time for a piece of rhubarb pie?”
Professor Fate, in “The Great Race” on being told that the ice they’re floating on is melting too fast but that he should not let on and scare the others:
"Oh, I’ll keep quiet about it alright. Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I’m going to mention it to SOMEBODY.
I think the best course of action in the event of a crash is to drop trow, bend over facing the seat and position a rolled up magazine in front of your ass so the crash investigators have something interesting to figure out.
Good poster name/OP content combo (as in, no-win scenarios…).
Also, if I were the captain of that doomed flight, I would use that opportunity to try maneuvers that I normally wouldn’t do on a passenger plane. Ever see a jumbo jet do a barrel roll?
Yes, Absolutely. That’s how the 707 was sold to the military. They barrel rolled it in a demo.