# This parenting style has pros & cons, but it's the most effective IMO **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 30, 2019, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753 "2019-05-30T03:46:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2019, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/41 "2019-06-02T12:21:57Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > It depends on the kid. The lil’wrekker did more to strive than I ever would have pushed. > It wasn’t necessary. If fact I had to pull her back some. She over filled her plate. Still does. > Oldest was happy-go-lucky class clown. Now I sat on him. He would have never cracked a book otherwise. Mid girl was my rebel. If I said ‘in’ she said ‘out’, she just could not cooperate. They are all 3 successful. Well, lil’wrekker is still in college, but she’s a very good student. I don’t think any YouTube video would be able to speak to all 3. They’re so different. There is no formula to raise children. Consistency is the key. Yep. My biggest regret in parenting is trying to be consistent in discipline across two children. They were (and are) very different people, I should have had very different approaches. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2019, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/42 "2019-06-02T13:56:52Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > I’m a bit confused about what you are advocating here. I just watched the video where he persuades kids to come with him by showing them a puppy, or candy. In spite of the repeated warnings they have heard from their parents, the kids seem to happily go off with him. I guess that’s on them? Assuming they survive their first abduction, they’ll know better next time, I’m sure. Yeah, this approach seems silly, no disrespect to the OP. Kids simply do not understand or see direct consequences of their actions. They want to eat pizza and chocolate for dinner every night? Boy, that’ll show them when they die of a heart attack at age 47! I agree with other posters that every child is different. I have a daughter who I couldn’t be prouder of. She seems to have a very level head on her shoulder, makes good grades, engages in sports and other extra curriculars. I’m always there to discuss bigger issues like sex, booze, and drugs and we talk a little about it, but she seems to have open dialogue with her mother about that stuff. I guess I’m the authoritative type of parent. When I give a directive, I expect it to be followed without argument or discussion. But, especially as she gets older and even before, I try not to make many such directives. Having that power in your back pocket, IMHO, though, is crucial. As **monstro** said above, sometimes you need to push, sometimes you need to give way, and it is a delicate balancing act to know when sometimes, and you will make mistakes. I think I’ve done pretty good so far. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2019, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/43 "2019-06-03T07:36:43Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > On an extra note, I’d also sit down with them & explain this form of discipline: How it negatively affects the both of you. Children are narcissistic by nature, but fortunately simply having a chat about it instantly changes their behavior. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (Gets back up on my chair.) Well, yes. One explains this many, many times. The difficult part is getting them to absorb the lesson. Some will, some won’t. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2019, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/44 "2019-06-03T07:51:58Z")
Yeah, some people are still peeing on fences that say “electrified” after having been shocked multiple times… ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2019, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/45 "2019-06-03T13:23:19Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > Some of their social experiments are useful for all ages: > > [https://www.youtube.com/results?search\_query=joey+salads+social+experiment](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=joey+salads+social+experiment) > > [https://www.youtube.com/results?search\_query=coby+persin+social+experiment](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=coby+persin+social+experiment) This method of parenting through YouTube strikes me about as well thought out as training receptionists by having them listen to Jerky Boys tapes. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2019, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/46 "2019-06-03T15:59:02Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > Like it or not, Parents are THE role models for their kids. Emphasis on “model”. You want good behaviors instilled in your kids? Then you have to DO them yourselves, not just preach them. > You can tell your kid not to swear but if you talk like a drunken sailor around the house you’re probably going to end up in a school office explaining why your kid called a teacher a dumb bitch. > You don’t want your kid smoking and binge drinking every weekend? Then you probably shouldn’t do it yourself. > Are you a loud person that talks over others to be heard? Don’t be surprised when they tell you Suzy can’t seem to keep quiet during class. > Raise your voice or get physical to settle arguments between you and your spouse? That’s how Timmy is going to deal with his classmates. > I can see so many behaviors in myself, good and bad, that are direct reflections of how my parents behaved their whole lives. And I can see my and my wife’s behaviors reflected in our 13 year-old. Good and bad. I can preach till I’m blue in the face to try to change his bad behaviors (short temper, procrastination, too quiet) but until I can model those behaviors for him, he won’t pick up on it. It is hard to know how much of the resemblance of parents to kids is being a role model and how much is genetic. My guess is that there is some interplay but you are right that the best way to raise a good kid is to be a good person. From what I can tell a part from extremes, parenting has little to no long term effect. Because of that the rules should be set to make everyone in the house happy while remembering that childhood does not prepare you for life, childhood is life. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2019, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/47 "2019-06-03T18:40:11Z")
Kids are who they are going to be shortly after they are born, I think. By the time the kid is about 3 years old the parents, if they are observant and not prone to denial, will figure out who their kid is. THAT’S when parenting becomes a challenge. Because you have to look at the path you think the kid will go down and do your best to prepare them for it, possibly never having gone down it yourself. I think only an exceptionally good or bad parent can have a significant impact on the child’s basic character. We wanted to make people who were decent to others, and who were independent & in control of their own lives. To get there, there was a lot of, “You ought not do that…” followed by damage control. Seems to have worked. ---
**Author:** ![tavaritz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/71e660/32.png) [@tavaritz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tavaritz)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2019, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/48 "2019-06-09T05:59:31Z")
If a teenager sleeps late and missies their schoolbus the right solution is to check what is their wake up cycle and adjust the schooling to that. That’s the only way to get them get better schooling. A tired teenager cannot learn and gets frustrated and then the parents get frustrated and a vicious circle has started. Try to avoid that. There have been good results in UK to recognize that not all teenagers are morning persons and adjust school hours to those who aren’t. Try to get your local school do to that if you have late sleeping teenager. Topi ---
**Author:** ![CelticKnot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/celticknot/32/3392_2.png) [@CelticKnot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CelticKnot)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/49 "2019-06-10T13:49:33Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > Being 21 years old, I came to realize that discipline comes in all different forms. However, I recently thought of the perfect way to teach your kids or teens how to act more appropriate for their age: > > Let them learn through the mistakes that they make. Now, this all depends on the situation. In fact, this is something that only affects them temporarily. I’d also show them videos of public, social experiments on YouTube: JoeySalads, Coby Persin, etc. Even though some of these videos have mixed reviews, just telling them to watch out may or may not work for some children/teenagers. Going further, you can also tell them that their mistakes can negatively affect you as well. > > Examples include: > > - Telling them to go to bed, but not enforcing it. So, if they stay up, sleep in, and miss the bus or work, then it’ll be on the both of you (especially missing school). > > - Telling them to do homework or study for a test. If they refuse, then their grades will be negatively affected. > > Basically: telling them to do almost anything that doesn’t put them in harm’s way. But, if they refuse to do so, then it’ll be on the both of you. > > Now, if they continue to struggle, then adjusting your discipline towards them would be an option if it starts become a bigger problem for you. > > On an extra note, I’d also sit down with them & explain this form of discipline: How it negatively affects the both of you. Do you plan to homeschool your children? Because permissive parenting, or in your case parenting by YouTube, could easily cause children to have poor social skills. Children with poor social skills are often at the center of much difficulty at school, not only by themselves, but pulling classmates and adults into the situation. When a kid does poorly at school, the kid is not the only person to suffer the consequences. The kid’s teacher will have to explain what he or she should have done to bring the child’s grade up. What resources were used? What should have been done? No administrator or government will accept “I did what I could, but the kid is a screw-up whose parents don’t value our educational system.” A kid who hasn’t been taught how to behave will often get into conflicts with other students or adults, and natural consequences (for example, a well-deserved slap) will cause trouble for the deliverer while rarely communicating the true message (stop being a jerk) to the recipient. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/50 "2019-06-10T16:43:56Z")
> [@CelticKnot](#): > > When a kid does poorly at school, the kid is not the only person to suffer the consequences. The kid’s teacher will have to explain what he or she should have done to bring the child’s grade up. What resources were used? What should have been done? No administrator or government will accept “I did what I could, but the kid is a screw-up whose parents don’t value our educational system.” Incorporating YouTube videos constitutes “parenting by YouTube” and leads to unsocialized kids? Huh. I thought **sta3535** was just talking about using real life consequences, sometimes a video to serve as a surrogate to reality in some situations, to reinforce empowering the kid to think through decisions. And it’s ok for a kid to use physical violence to resolve a conflict when there is a doting school administration stuffed with procedures and childhood development professionals at his disposal? Really? ---
**Author:** ![sta3535](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@sta3535](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sta3535)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/51 "2019-06-11T03:22:09Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > I thought **sta3535** was just talking about using real life consequences, sometimes a video to serve as a surrogate to reality in some situations, to reinforce empowering the kid to think through decisions. I want my future kids to learn through real life experiences, online & outside of the house. I just don’t see what the big deal is? If public schools show videos in health class, then why can’t I show my son or daughter a video on YouTube? ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/52 "2019-06-11T03:55:40Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > If public schools show videos in health class, then why can’t I show my son or daughter a video on YouTube? You certainly can, but don’t expect it make any kind of impression. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/53 "2019-06-11T04:03:43Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > I want my future kids to learn through real life experiences, online & outside of the house. I just don’t see what the big deal is? If public schools show videos in health class, then why can’t I show my son or daughter a video on YouTube? Videos in health class are designed by people who know more or less what they are doing - according to the current educational trend, that is. They are not random, there is a whole bunch of content that the video is shot to include. You going to get this from a random YouTube video? Not to mention if a kid finds he or she can learn from YouTube video X, maybe he will find YouTube videos Y, Z and W which will be less to your liking. It will be very tempting to park your kid in front of a screen. Don’t do it unless absolutely necessary. And then control it. Sure, when the kid is 10 you won’t be able to control it, but the kid should be set by then on the right path. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/54 "2019-06-11T23:56:00Z")
> [@tavaritz](#): > > If a teenager sleeps late and missies their schoolbus the right solution is to check what is their wake up cycle and adjust the schooling to that. That’s the only way to get them get better schooling. A tired teenager cannot learn and gets frustrated and then the parents get frustrated and a vicious circle has started. Try to avoid that. > > There have been good results in UK to recognize that not all teenagers are morning persons and adjust school hours to those who aren’t. Try to get your local school do to that if you have late sleeping teenager. > > Topi The first order of business should be to adjust the teen’s bedtime. The vast majority of people can alter their sleep cycle within a week’s time simply by going to bed earlier, and getting up at the prescribed time regardless of sleepiness. I would also recommend taking the phone away at bedtime and returning it each morning. I’ve had friends tell stories of their kids texting at all hours, sometimes when they seem to be asleep. There is a very small subset of people who have a rigid body clock. I was one of them for about 40 years. For that tiny subset, yes, adjusted hours are appropriate. But for most people, learning how to care for yourself within the restrictions of societal mores is an important part of development in the teen years. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2019, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/55 "2019-06-12T16:08:29Z")
I’m not a believer of washing my hands of any responsibility as a parent once my kid reaches X age, but the way I see it, my job as a parent is to help my kid lay a solid foundation, then dole out responsibility as the kid can handle it until it’s theirs, then serve as a counselor/advisor/helper as needed. Typically that doesn’t involve YouTube videos. The only video I remember watching as a kid that had any impact on my actions whatsoever was a video of a live birth where they showed the baby crowning and actually coming out of a woman’s vagina (yes, I went to private school). We saw everything from crowning, baby coming out, umbilical cord and placenta. It was horrific and the best birth control ever. At some point, barring developmental differences, abuse or neglect and any other caveat I can think of, your kid missing the bus, failing a class or waking up tired is NOT on you. If your kid is 5, yes - you need to set a bedtime and stick to it, make them do their homework before playing, etc. But if your kid is 15, they better make it to school ontime and if they don’t, assuming they have the ability to do so, they’re responsible for making it to school by other means and explaining to the administrators why they were tardy. If they fail a grade because they simply didn’t turn their homework in and were otherwise able to do so mentally and physically, they’d better find a way to fix it or do better next time. Having responsibility can also mean having more freedom. My 13 yo son is responsible for making sure his homework is done first thing when he gets home from school. Doing that also means he and his friends can bugger off and ride around the neighborhood until the streetlights come on and he doesn’t have a thing to do once he gets home other than eat, play for a while and get ready for bed. He seems to think it’s a pretty sweet deal. ---
**Author:** ![Snake\_Plissken\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Snake\_Plissken\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snake_Plissken_1)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/56 "2019-06-18T14:23:01Z")
I have two adult children. I was a stay-at-home-dad for nine years. So I pretty much molded them into the fine human beings that they are today. I like to take credit for that but I know that it’s only partially true. Because like many here have said, most of this child-rearing stuff is a crap shoot. After they start school…and especially in junior high and beyond, peer pressure is an all-encompassing thing. It’s what their friends say. What their friends do…how they behave. Sometimes you get lucky and they choose great kids to emulate. Sometimes they don’t. And most times when things go south, you can pinpoint that is where it started. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753/57 "2019-06-18T14:39:04Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > Being 21 years old, I came to realize that discipline comes in all different forms. However, I recently thought of the perfect way to teach your kids or teens how to act more appropriate for their age: People have been trying to figure out the perfect way to teach kids to act appropriately for tens of thousands of years, and nobody has solved it yet. And you have done it after taking a psychology course in college? You are going to make a fortune if you publish this. I will also promise to read yours posts if you post back here when your kids are born, then again at ages 2, 6, 12, 16, and 21. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-parenting-style-has-pros-cons-but-its-the-most-effective-imo/834753.md?page=2)