# This turkey was killed by hand with a sharp knife **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 12, 2012, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252 "2012-01-12T03:51:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/1 "2012-01-12T03:51:36Z")
That was on the label of the turkey I cooked last Christmas dinner. I wonder if they put all the causes of death on each and every turkey. I’d like to go down to the packaging plant one day and read all the labels. Oh the humanity. “This turkey died of a heart attack while sitting at home and watching TV” “This turkey was killed in a drive-by shooting by a rival chicken gang” “This turkey died by misadventure in a sky-diving accident when his primary shoot failed to open” “This turkey drowned while surfing off the Hawaiian coast” ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/2 "2012-01-12T03:53:39Z")
“This turkey had a fighting chance–it was given a knife and turned loose on an island before being hunted down by a professional turkey hunter, also armed only with a knife.” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/3 "2012-01-12T03:57:27Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > “This turkey died by misadventure in a sky-diving accident when his primary shoot failed to open” Actually, it was an ill-conceived radio promotion. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/4 "2012-01-12T04:06:32Z")
_Chute_ me now. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/5 "2012-01-12T04:13:57Z")
This turkey was mown down at dawn by a bright red sports car on its way home from an allnight party ---
**Author:** ![RoeCocoa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7feea3/32.png) [@RoeCocoa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoeCocoa)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/6 "2012-01-12T04:18:13Z")
“This turkey acquired a taste for auto-erotic asphyxiation.” “This turkey rolled his Bentley over the guardrail on Hwy 50.” “This turkey did not know that she was allergic to peanut oil.” “This turkey was set on fire and flung over a besieged castle wall.” And _this_ little turkey cried “wee-wee-wee” all the way home. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/7 "2012-01-12T04:28:11Z")
“This turkey touched Chuck Norris.” “This turkey went insane from too much pot.” “This turkey had a chance, but after it fell in love with a chicken it chose to go to the chicken slaughterhouse with his love instead of living out the rest of his days without her. That would have been a fate worse than death.” “This turkey died in the defense of a grateful nation.” “This turkey died because he was shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. You give love a bad name.” ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/8 "2012-01-12T04:29:35Z")
This turkey choked on someone else’s vomit. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/9 "2012-01-12T04:33:20Z")
This turkey took a dry dive from a hotel room This one hung himself from a cell in the tombs This one jumped in front of a subway train The last one one got slit in the jugular vein That turkey, I miss it more than all the others, I salute it, my brother ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/10 "2012-01-12T04:34:10Z")
“This turkey was killed in an explosion in a retaliatory killing by the Chicken Mafia. It turns out that he had previous chocked \*the \*chicken.” ---
**Author:** ![RoeCocoa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7feea3/32.png) [@RoeCocoa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoeCocoa)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/11 "2012-01-12T04:45:36Z")
This turkey was bred for rapid weight gain rather than long-term viability, and died horrifically from various medical complications less than a year after its presidential pardon. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/12 "2012-01-12T04:48:47Z")
This turkey jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge. ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/13 "2012-01-12T05:24:13Z")
This turkey was killed by Professor Plum, in the Lounge, with the Candlestick. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/14 "2012-01-12T05:29:56Z")
This turkey was all like “What’s the point? I can’t fly, I’m huge, I’ve got these ugly wattle things and I can’t even screw properly. Fuck it all.” Before it took an overdose, it called a turkicide hotline and by hearing a compassionate voice at the other end it received a new sense of hope and decided that maybe it would give life one more chance. Unfortunately later that day it was run over by an ice cream truck. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/15 "2012-01-12T05:46:21Z")
😛 You guys are all awesome - gave me a laugh when I most needed it. ---
**Author:** ![Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ed655f/32.png) [@Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crown_Prince_of_Irony)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/16 "2012-01-12T06:34:32Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > This turkey choked on someone else’s vomit. This turkey died in a bizarre gardening accident. ---
**Author:** ![Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ed655f/32.png) [@Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crown_Prince_of_Irony)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/17 "2012-01-12T06:36:48Z")
This turkey took LSD and jumped out of the turkey coop thinking he was SuperTurkey. Since the turkey coop was only 18 inches off the ground, he was unharmed. So he tripped balls for several hours, came down, and then had his head chopped off. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/18 "2012-01-12T06:49:34Z")
This turkey died a lonely, broken old bird who sat out the remainder of his life filled with regret. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/19 "2012-01-12T07:09:12Z")
After a life of devotion and service to the community, this turkey passed away peacefully at his coop of residence, surrounded by close friends and family. He is survived by his loving wife, 27 children, 19 grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren. His spirit will be sorely missed. Brine for at least 5 hours prior to baking. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/20 "2012-01-12T07:43:20Z")
This turkey was killed by ten million pounds of slush from New York and New Jersey. [The Pixies] \* This turkey’s gone to Heaven…\* [/The Pixies] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252.md?page=2)