# This turkey was killed by hand with a sharp knife **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 12, 2012, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252 "2012-01-12T03:51:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/81 "2012-01-12T20:44:41Z")
This turkey died in a blogging accident. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/82 "2012-01-12T20:59:16Z")
This turkey died due to a tragic babelfish error during the masturbation convention (coming to a city near you!). ---
**Author:** ![RadicalPi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/radicalpi/32/9806_2.png) [@RadicalPi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RadicalPi)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/83 "2012-01-12T21:11:11Z")
I can’t think of anything, but this thread may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I gave up fighting the tears of joy about 10 minutes ago. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ed655f/32.png) [@Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crown_Prince_of_Irony)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/84 "2012-01-12T21:16:41Z")
This turkey was wearing a red shirt while serving with an Away Team. This turkey went to the bottom of the Marianas Trench for 20 minutes - unfortunately, his submersible failed. Enjoy your turkey smoothie. This turkey was killed with a 1920s style death-ray. ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/85 "2012-01-12T21:26:53Z")
It came from [Portland](http://www.hulu.com/watch/208808/portlandia-ordering-the-chicken-part-1). ---
**Author:** ![Alma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@Alma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alma)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/86 "2012-01-12T21:28:57Z")
The last words this turkey heard were “Sic Semper Meleagris!” This turkey talked about Fight Club. ---
**Author:** ![RoeCocoa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7feea3/32.png) [@RoeCocoa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoeCocoa)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/87 "2012-01-13T00:00:42Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > RE: The OP’s turkey I wonder if the butcher was trying to achieve some sort of religious certification for the processing of the turkey’s, but missed on a technicality? I think they were trying to distance themselves from that undercover PETA video. Statements like “this turkey was mutilated and then kicked to death” and “this turkey was still alive when it was dunked in scalding water to remove its feathers” do not help a farmer’s sales figures; assuring the consumer that this turkey was killed humanely, does. This turkey stuck its head in an oven. This turkey was a cello player on the Titanic. ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/88 "2012-01-13T00:19:47Z")
My father was slaughtered by a turkey. He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the turkey appeared and requested a special sword, My father took the job. He slaved a year before it was done. [I show you the sword. You have never seen its equal.] The turkey returned and demanded it, but at one tenth his promised price, and my father refused. Without a word, the turkey slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The turkey left me alive, but he gave me these. [I stroke the scars on my cheeks] I was eleven years old. And when I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the turkey and say, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” We finally met this past Thanksgiving. He tasted wonderful. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/89 "2012-01-13T00:29:25Z")
There are many turkeys like it, but this turkey is _mine._ ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/90 "2012-01-13T00:55:12Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > This turkey died in a blogging accident. This was no blogging accident! ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/91 "2012-01-13T01:17:05Z")
This turkey accidentally cut its own head off with a sharp knife while shaving. I swear that’s how it happened, officer. ---
**Author:** ![TheTerribleTako](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@TheTerribleTako](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheTerribleTako)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/92 "2012-01-13T01:35:06Z")
This turkey died after swallowing a duck that swallowed a chicken. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/93 "2012-01-13T01:39:36Z")
This turkey didn’t think _good thoughts_, and was sent to the cornfield. This turkey caught an STD from a chicken hooker. This turkey is a Martyr For The Revolution. This turkey fought the law; the law won. This turkey is a superhero, and will return in a year or two. This turkey was named Uncle Ben, and will stay dead. ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/94 "2012-01-13T01:45:34Z")
The turkey was certified antibiotic-free, free-range, and organic, but then it took an arrow to the knee. ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/95 "2012-01-13T01:50:37Z")
This turkey had the misfortune of getting between Chuck Norris and The Most Interesting Man In The World. ---
**Author:** ![HotDogWater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/35a633/32.png) [@HotDogWater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HotDogWater)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/96 "2012-01-13T01:57:29Z")
This turkey died after bring hit by an Orinco tanker in the road. We buried it in the Micmac burial groud. Use caution when preparing. This turkey died after following his paper boat to the storm drain. One wing missing. This turkey was raped and murdered on “The Street” and now haunts my house. This turkey died after coming too close to the spaceship in the ground. This turkey fell into a laundry folding machine nicknamed “The Mangler”. This turkey was slaughtered by a crazy matri’d in a fancy New York resturant. This turkey was shot by a three fingered gunslinger in an alternate universe. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/97 "2012-01-13T02:00:37Z")
This turkey was shot with an arrow under mysterious circumstances, preserved in a glacier for 5000 years, was mistaken for a duck and subjected to a false rumor that its penis had been stolen (turns out it only had a cloaca all along), and then had its likeness tattooed on Brad Pitt’s left butt cheek. It might taste a bit stale. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/98 "2012-01-13T02:22:04Z")
This turkey was crushed to death by a war elephant. This turkey died in the gladiatorial arena. This turkey died after falling and breaking a hip. It was partially eaten by it’s sixteen cats. Eat around those parts. This turkey died because a mistimed fuse down in the mines. This turkey was shot out of an air cannon at a airplane canopy. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/99 "2012-01-13T02:36:40Z")
It was beauty killed this turkey. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2012, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252/100 "2012-01-13T02:43:21Z")
This turkey drove off a cliff on a Segway. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/this-turkey-was-killed-by-hand-with-a-sharp-knife/609252.md?page=6)