# Those are some huge melons! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 20, 2006, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293 "2006-02-20T05:39:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/1 "2006-02-20T05:39:01Z")
[Huge I tell you!](http://www.hopemelonfest.com/brightmelons.htm) ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/2 "2006-02-20T06:10:02Z")
Wow. Nice and firm, too. The very definition of MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/3 "2006-02-20T06:38:46Z")
May I squeeze them? ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/4 "2006-02-20T08:57:04Z")
**astro** , I’m going to assume that you find humor in this subject only in ignorance, because you’ve never been the kind of “melon-farmer” (either literal or in the Samuel-Jackson-dubbed-for-TV sense) who engages in the crude and downright savage practices involved in mega-melon agribusiness. Under this assumption, that you’re woefully uninformed but not actually evil, I’ll append a passage excerpted from the Watermelon Truth Front’s recent pamphlet, **Hey, WTF?** : > [@](#): > > "There is no ecological niche nor any practical use for freakishly large vine-ripened fruit. The unnatural excesses many find so amusing are merely an exercise in human ego fulfillment and cruelty, an inhumane breeding program that is sustained today primarily to feed local, sometimes legally-permitted competitions (_ **see** _ cock-fighting/greyhound racing) and side-show attractions (_ **see** _ Ripley Museum). > > “This program calls for the following atrocities. Shortly after birth, the melon (let’s call her 'Wanda”) watches as her brothers and sisters on the plant are eliminated, there in the field, with a knife that is often dull and rarely sterile. From that point in her life, Wanda’s lonely existence is a Bosch-like nightmare. She is surrounded with manure and/or sprayed with toxic chemicals. She is left exposed and alone where she lies. Wanda is given no stimulation, no tactile, auditory or visual contact, not even so much as a change of scenery. Boredom atrophies her cognitive skills. > > "And twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, Wanda is ‘on the vine,’ a constant force-feeding that continues without let-up. Because the program demands only weight, not strength, Wanda is permitted no exercise(_ **see** _ veal). This torture will continue for three months or more. It will stop only when Wanda fails to show increased girth for three days in a row, or when she is chewed up by stink bugs. > > “At the end of the process, Wanda is barely recognizable. Approaching two hundred pounds, she is at six to ten times a normal weight for her species. She cannot move at all, even to roll over, and her underside is tinged with yellow. Although her life is mostly over, her suffering is not …” The rest is too graphic for this forum. But I encourage everyone who can spare a thought for the suffering caused by this barbaric agricultural practice to take a look at the _Hey, WTF?_ web site. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/5 "2006-02-20T11:26:02Z")
**King of Soup** , it hasn’t even been scientifically proven that melons experience discomfort in the same way a human, or a higher primate would. When it comes to the choice of either feeding humans, or go off and start cuddling melons, I, for one, choose humanity. It may, however, be promising to explore ways of entertaining melons in the growing phase, that won’t interfere with the economics of farming. I’ve heard playing classical music has yielded some good results with chickens. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/6 "2006-02-20T14:12:47Z")
Great. Five posts in, and already the torture apologists have come galloping in on their _legs_, shouting and waving their _arms_, and claiming cultural relativism. > [@Maastricht](#): > > **King of Soup** , it hasn’t even been scientifically proven that melons experience discomfort in the same way a human, or a higher primate would. There is a lack of hard scientific evidence that the Dutch experience Michael Bolton covers of Sinatra standards in the same way Americans do. When is a convenient time to strap you down with the headphones, Mr. Wizard? Honestly, I have little patience with neo-vegisectionists whose scientific pretensions so poorly mask what is merely a naked desire to indulge in sadism while holding a clipboard, but I’ll answer this tired old argument anyhow. First, the megamelon industry does not care that none of their practices is _supported_ by scientific study, and not one breeder will commit to ending any practice that a scientific evaluation condemns, or contribute to funding research into watermelons’ perception of pain and angst. You should see some of the looks I get from melon growers when I suggest it. So the concern is artificial. Second, the comparison with watermelons that have _not_ been systematically maltreated is obvious. I’ll bet you’ve never even _seen_ a free-range watermelon gamboling across a sunny field, have you? I’m giving even poorer odds that you’d care if you had, you seedless, soulless fiend. Third, in the absence of definitive proof (and _how_ would you guys insist on obtaining that proof? By torturing _more_ melons, that’s how), we must behave as ethically as our current knowledge allows. That means adhering to the basic principles of humane husbandry in the absence of contrary information. > [@Masstricht](#): > > When it comes to the choice of either feeding humans, or go off and start cuddling melons, I, for one, choose humanity. Do I win the prize for the one billionth use of the phrase “false dichotomy” on this board? Read the WTF pamphlet: these artificially-created monsters are not used for food. Rather, their fate is a brutal competition ring, followed by the exhibition stall, and then the compost heap (or a county fair eating contest, but that’s hardly feeding the hungry, now is it?). > [@Maastricht](#): > > It may, however, be promising to explore ways of entertaining melons in the growing phase … Here I’ll concede the EU is ahead of us in the U.S., at least in terms of allowing a trickle of information to its victims. [http://www.eupoliticstoday.com/news/EUFruitsVegetables](http://www.eupoliticstoday.com/news/EUFruitsVegetables) But read every issue in this publication supposedly designed for European produce, and try to find a single article with a pro-WTF bias. It just isn’t nearly enough. I just get so angry. It’s like our ideas about the biota we share a planet with and depend on for our very existence have barely evolved since Luther Burbank. [http://www.ffrf.org/fttoday/back/burbankbio.html](http://www.ffrf.org/fttoday/back/burbankbio.html) (NOTE: Before everybody starts a pile-on throwing Godwin’s Other, Lesser-Known Law in my face, let me just say (1) there’s no way to even _have_ this discussion without recognizing how that maniac’s ideas about genetic optimization have contributed to the current mess; (2) there’s no denying that the man, dead for the better part of a century, still has powerful influence among bonanists, farmers, and gardeners, perhaps especially in Europe; (3) I’m not saying that Maastricht is as bad as Burbank – I’m merely saying that he could be much, much worse). To those who are for cruelty-free agriculture in keeping with natural imperatives, I suggest contributing to the Melon Independent Liberation Front. You can find their website by typing “MILF” into any search engine. Sometimes that short a keyword leads to lots of irrelevant leads, but if you cross-reference with the term “big melons” you’ll doubtless get to where you want to go. Meanwhile, **Maastricht** (_if_ that’s your real name), don’t think we “melon-huggers” are stupid. I’m smart enough, for example, to know who you’re _really_ working for: [http://www.wasteoftechnology.com/motw40.shtml](http://www.wasteoftechnology.com/motw40.shtml) ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/7 "2006-02-20T15:10:28Z")
Would this be a bad time to post a link to a picture of some big boobies? ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/8 "2006-02-20T15:16:30Z")
:dubious: [Coincidentally…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7122586#post7122586) ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/9 "2006-02-20T15:27:31Z")
> [@](#): > > Mark’s wife Shelly poses with 2 melons each weighing approximately 150 pounds. _tee hee_ 😃 /needs to grow up along with everybody else in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Arwin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/51bf81/32.png) [@Arwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arwin)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/10 "2006-02-20T18:34:06Z")
Priceless, **King**. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Improv\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b3f665/32.png) [@Improv\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Improv_Geek)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/11 "2006-02-20T19:05:49Z")
My first summer job was at a produce store near the house, and on the first day of work an eighteen wheeler arrived filled from front to back in stacks up to about 7 high, of watermelons. Three of the high school staff guys were picked to go out and unload them which involved one guy being the tosser (he was the one who picked them off the truck and tossed them to the relay guy), the relay guy caught from the tosser and passed it to the basket-filler. Now most of you are used to seeing melons in those big octagonal-esque cardboard baskets right? Well as far as I know, 99% of the time, there’s a group of guys like me who had to fill them up for you. The basket-filler took them from the relayer and set them in the basket such that he covered the bottom as much as possible and slowly worked his way up. At full speed we could fill a basket of melons in less than 10 minutes, but it was killer work in the Florida summer. However it gave us a good workout and I swear my back was never in better shape than after that summer. ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/12 "2006-02-20T19:47:39Z")
Is it just a coincidence that giant melons and Bill Clinton both come from Hope, Arkansas? ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/13 "2006-02-20T22:36:18Z")
What? Did Clinton have giant melons? Oh wait. I see. ---
**Author:** ![Pjen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pjen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pjen)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/14 "2006-02-20T22:55:27Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > Would this be a bad time to post a link to a picture of some big boobies? Like So: [www.avisnatura.com/natl\_geo\_society/boobies.htm](http://www.avisnatura.com/natl_geo_society/boobies.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Godfrey\_Daniels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Godfrey\_Daniels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Godfrey_Daniels)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2006, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/15 "2006-02-20T23:55:56Z")
Now those are some great-looking boobies! As part of my unfortunate childhood, I was forced to travel through that part of the country almost yearly until I was growed up. I could have sworn that it was _Arkadelphia_ that was the “Watermelon Capitol of the South”, not Hope. I remember a postcard depicting a huge watermelon cut in half, with a bathing beauty in repose on its mouth-watering red flesh…sort of a melon a’ melons, if you will… a person just doesn’t forget that kind of thing… ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/16 "2006-02-21T00:03:11Z")
I feel a need to repost this beautiful watermelon tribute: > [@](#): > > Originally posted by **lightintool** > I can’t believe no one else around here has ridden a watermelon. It’s a great part of our cultural heritage. Way back in the 1800s, watermelon were roaming free across the Great Plains of the US as far as the eye could see. An interestingly far-sighted man (named George “Watermelon” Davis) decided to hire some folks (to be known in the future as waterboys) to start rounding them up to sell on the open market. Strangely enough, this idea spread quickly, and within just a few short years, the wild watermelon was a rare sight indeed. By the early 1900s, (after Mr. Davis had made his watermelon fortune), the industry of roping, branding, and selling the wild watermelon had been all but forgotten, remembered only by a few tired old waterboys. They still told the stories of driving huge herds of watermelon across the open range, but few people had the time to listen. Their stories of why the cattle guards on trains should really be called melon guards fell on deaf ears. > > One of these retired waterboys decided to go looking for other work, and started delivering water to the folks who were working on the railroads that were beginning to criss-cross our mighty nation. Once the railroads were completed, he moved to Florida with his family to enjoy retirement. His sons continued to carry on the work of waterboys, and became employed by various sporting teams due to the high quality of water they carried. > > So, there you have it. The historical significance of watermelon riding and the history of the waterboy all in one post. And that’s a fact. It sort of fits, especially considering **King** ’s post. ---
**Author:** ![Omniscient](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omniscient/32/3290_2.png) [@Omniscient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omniscient)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-are-some-huge-melons/345293/17 "2006-02-21T12:45:43Z")
They’re just begging for it with [pics like these](http://www.hopemelonfest.com/images/shellymelons.jpg).