# Those of you who grew up with absentee parents (usually dads) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 22, 2013, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055 "2013-05-22T19:26:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055/21 "2013-05-23T13:44:25Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > Some of it may well be that biodad is more “fun”. This has a lot to do with it. I had a strange case of this where it was actually my _mom_ that moved out, not my dad. She never abandoned us or anything, we saw her regularly, but first she moved across town, then about a half hour away, then about three hours away. I wouldn’t say that I ever revered her in the way that is described in the OP but the way I think of my parents during that era is definitely different. I think of my dad as the hardworking domestic guy who cooked dinner and did the laundry. I think of my mom as the one that let me skip school to spend time with her and took me to the movies. Is it any wonder that I would come to the conclusion that my mom was the “fun” parent? My dad always did fun stuff with me but 90% of the time it was normal parent stuff. That figure was the exact opposite with my mom because she mostly wasn’t around for the boring stuff. That was kind of how my 8-12 year old brain saw things, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055/22 "2013-05-23T13:52:27Z")
Holy shit **Maastricht** …you know my step’s biodad? That’s pretty much him. Except he works for under the table cash (if he gets reported income the state “steals” a bit of it and funnels it to his ex) at a tattoo/piercing place from time to time. By all accounts he used to be a hell of a boxer, but he found the sucker punch at a bar much more gratifying than a ring match. A win is a win, no matter how you get it so why risk getting hurt? Like **Manda Jo** said, there is a lot of that in his son. ---
**Author:** ![Truman\_Burbank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@Truman\_Burbank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truman_Burbank)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055/23 "2013-05-23T14:23:36Z")
All I can add is that it took me a long time to work this stuff through. In my case I didn’t have any good substitutes, that didn’t help much. Your presence will likely help him sort it out a little more easily. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055/24 "2013-05-23T16:42:36Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Responsible adults take care not to discuss their problems with their kids, right? > In contrast, an irresponsible adult will not just _be_ in more trouble, but he is also more likely to complain about said trouble to anyone who will listen, as a way to shift blame away from himself. > > Some kids love it when an adult seems to _trust_ them with their problems, and seems to appreciate their help and input. Many kids have a bit of a rescuer in them. If the absentee parent keeps coming up with excuses, the kid may feel that absentee parent needs him more then his real parents. > > The kid just may feel more appreciated. It is more seductive to hear: “Gee, you understand me so well and you are so gwon-up for your age, let me tell you some more wicked stuff taht involves me being persecuted and all sorts of juicy details about relationships and substance abuse problems” then to hear “Son, I’'m not going to bother you with my problems, I can handle it, all you need to do is do well in school, so go upstairs and study”. This is what I came in to say. I worked at a group home for troubled teens and I felt very sorry for responsible custodial or adopted parents. No matter the level of neglect and abuse, the natural parents were practically deified by nearly all my kids. The need for approval from the parent who “rejected” them, the “perfect” fantasy life an angsty teen imagines would be possible with the absentee parent, the cool factor of an adult who overshares and gives the kid his first sip of beer; a lot of conditions seem to contribute to the hero status that kids unfairly award absentee parents. The responsible parent who assigns chores and keeps the alcohol locked up just can’t compete with the cool peer/parent. Always wondered if it sets the same kids up as adults to pine away for the attention of disinterested partners, too. ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055/25 "2013-05-23T18:05:59Z")
It’s hard to trash on your parents (even if all they contributed was genetics) without vicariously trashing yourself. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055/26 "2013-05-23T18:38:35Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > The responsible parent who assigns chores and keeps the alcohol locked up just can’t compete with the cool peer/parent. All of **Troppus’** and **Maastricht** ’s posts are good. I just wanted to emphasize the above. Us adults have a lot of experience with the world. It’s going to take a kid a long time to figure out that one of his parents is a deadbeat. Heck, it will take a long time to even figure out what a deadbeat is. Kids don’t know about mortgage payments or health insurance and, as far as I can tell, they think money grows on trees. When one parent (the deadbeat) is feeding a child his story of woe and the other parent is saying nothing, what’s a kid to believe? Once the kid finally figures it out, it still seems natural for him to defend his parent against ‘outsiders’, just like I would defend my family members. He was in his mid teens when, I think, my step-son figured out that his dad’s stories weren’t always true and that he wasn’t the “most interesting man in the world.” Even so, he couldn’t just flip a switch from ‘love and adore’ to ‘hate’, and Who would want that anyway? Not me. He had to figure out how to feel about the fact that his dad was actually kind of a loser. I did not envy him that journey and couldn’t help him with it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-of-you-who-grew-up-with-absentee-parents-usually-dads/659055.md?page=1)