# Those stupid computer voices **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 8, 2008, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756 "2008-11-08T01:52:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/21 "2008-11-08T06:15:24Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > For me it’s less about convenience, and more about doing what I can to make sure more business have to employ people. Every time one of those self-checkout registers gets put up, an employer is able to cut their payroll by 1 person. Small hijack-- Self checkouts have been a huge failure around here. When Wal\*Mart abandons them due to their slowing things down and using cashiers needed elsewhere, one might start to wonder why the average shopper is too dim to use the things, but feels superior to the cashier helping them. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/22 "2008-11-08T15:06:55Z")
I regularly have to call DHL to schedule a package pickup. They changed to a voice activated system that is way too sensitive to the slightest background noises, and I work in a retail store where there are likely to be people talking in the background, or machinery making noises. We have had to develop a system of shouting the answers as early as possible…“Schedule a pick up…yes…no…7pm…no!” but when my boss is in a mood, she will often walk by as I’m making the call and say something so that the system picks up her noise and says, “I sorry, I think you were trying to say…” and I have to start over. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/23 "2008-11-08T15:08:05Z")
> [@](#): > > **Darth Nader** said: > Small hijack-- Self checkouts have been a huge failure around here. When Wal\*Mart abandons them due to their slowing things down and using cashiers needed elsewhere, one might start to wonder why the average shopper is too dim to use the things, but feels superior to the cashier helping them. The Giant Eagle (grocery store) has these miracle devices that they call the ‘personal shopper’. It’s a hand-held wireless bar code scanner. I pick one up when I enter the store, and I walk around purchasing things by scanning them and sticking them into my shopping bags in the cart. When I am all finished, I go to one of the self-checkouts, and I pay. No more standing in line behind the family of 40 who has 15 grocery carts! ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/24 "2008-11-08T15:42:19Z")
> [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](#): > > Oh god. May I join you in rage? I FUCKING HATE talking to a machine. Not only that but’s so stupid. I’ve found systems where they _disable touch tone input_. Say I needed to input my phone number. Instead of just dialing it on a key pad that’s _designed for dialing phone numbers_ I have audibly say the number one number at a time. There isn’t enough rage in the universe to respond to that level of bloody mindedness. What the fuck? > > I wanna rip the testicals off the subhumans who make those things. My favorite is when these systems not only won’t let you use the keypad, they also want you to enter your social security number, bank account number, credit card number and other sensitive information, and won’t register the number unless you scream it loud enough so that it is impossible for any potential identity thief within a quarter mile not to hear it. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/25 "2008-11-08T15:53:16Z")
Back door numbers to [get a human.](http://gethuman.com/) ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/26 "2008-11-08T22:27:43Z")
> [@Darth\_Nader](#): > > Small hijack-- Self checkouts have been a huge failure around here. When Wal\*Mart abandons them due to their slowing things down and using cashiers needed elsewhere, one might start to wonder why the average shopper is too dim to use the things, but feels superior to the cashier helping them. The Wal-Marts here have shut them down as well. I hate that they’ve done that because I can fly through one of those things and instead I wind up stuck in a line for like 20 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/27 "2008-11-09T00:34:33Z")
> [@mischievous](#): > > (bolding mine)The problem could have been with the pay phone, not the registration system at the other end. I don’t know if it’s still true, but most pay phones used to be set up so that the phone would disable the keypad after you connect. This used to be a way to minimize drug deals, back when drug dealers used payphones and pagers. Now that everyone has cell phones, it’s rather pointless, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they still set them up that way. Must be a city thing. Never seen that around here. Besides I heard it make a tone when I hit the button. > [@Billdo](#): > > My favorite is when these systems not only won’t let you use the keypad, they also want you to enter your social security number, bank account number, credit card number and other sensitive information, and won’t register the number unless you scream it loud enough so that it is impossible for any potential identity thief within a quarter mile not to hear it. Thanks to these idiots all identity thieves need is a tape recorder and a payphone near a bush to hide it in. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/28 "2008-11-09T00:37:43Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Back door numbers to [get a human.](http://gethuman.com/) Nice idea. Is there any reason why it’s so ugly? I didn’t try to look anything up because I don’t trust sites that look like that-- they always want to leave stuff behind in my computer. I hope the chicken was still hot, **Jolly**. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/29 "2008-11-09T00:38:14Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Back door numbers to [get a human.](http://gethuman.com/) ehhhhk-selent! tyvm! ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/30 "2008-11-09T02:54:14Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > Nice idea. Is there any reason why it’s so ugly? I didn’t try to look anything up because I don’t trust sites that look like that-- they always want to leave stuff behind in my computer. > > I hope the chicken was still hot, **Jolly**. Ive used this for a few years, never a problem. The site was redesigned recently. ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/31 "2008-11-09T02:56:17Z")
> [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](#): > > And that’s assuming you call during “business hours” (2 pm to 2:05 pm). What! They extended the hours? No one notified me before this. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/32 "2008-11-09T05:34:00Z")
> [@Darth\_Nader](#): > > Small hijack-- Self checkouts have been a huge failure around here. When Wal\*Mart abandons them due to their slowing things down and using cashiers needed elsewhere, one might start to wonder why the average shopper is too dim to use the things, but feels superior to the cashier helping them. That’s odd. Even here in PA, the state with the second-highest percentage of old people in the country, I’ve found them to be a great way to make the grocery store experience more painless (well, except the time one malfunctioned and only gave me $30 instead of $60 and I didn’t realize it until I got home). The elderly and other folks who are intimidated by the machines use the regular checkout lines, freeing up the self checkouts for those of us who just want to pay for our stuff and get the hell out of there. And once you’ve done it enough times - well, you might not be as fast as a cashier who does it 40 hours a week, but you get fast enough that it ends up taking a lot less time overall than standing in a line waiting for a cashier. The self checkouts only have a line at the very busiest times of the week at the store in my town, and even then the line only has two or three people waiting on 8 checkouts, so it moves fast. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/33 "2008-11-10T01:11:53Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > /sigh > > Sometimes I think I must be the only person in the US to have figured out that saying “operator” or “representative” will get you a human being. Try it sometime. [Please say, “operator”](http://www.mister-rik.com/A_Skit_About_Robots.txt). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/34 "2008-11-10T08:14:53Z")
“I’ll transfer you to an operator in a moment. First, let me find out a little information about why you called, so I can direct you properly.” Goddamn Simone. Goddamn Virgin Mobile. ---
**Author:** ![Jaglavak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/85f322/32.png) [@Jaglavak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaglavak)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/35 "2008-11-12T04:41:35Z")
Two stories: I know it’s wrong, but every once in awhile I will answer my phone with, “Hello, this is Jaglavak. If you would like to speak to a machine, please press 9 now.” Every once in awhile someone will press 9. No accounting for taste I suppose. At work we have several large expensive machines from a specialty vendor. Names will not be mentioned to protect the flagrantly guilty and my job. Like everyone else, they have a phone tree to wade through. Among other things they ask for a customer ID number. Huh? How the hell should I know? And considering the fiendish bureaucracy that is our recently outsourced purchasing department, lotsa luck trying to find out. So I leaned on the ‘0’ key until I got a human. Who then transferred me to the parts department as I asked. Where I waited for about 1/2 hour. During which I encountered Fang Grinder #1: Their goddam on-hold sound track was a series of very annoying ads for their equipment and services. All delivered in various conversational voices so you have to listen to avoid missing the parts guy when he finally picks up. Leading directly to Fang Grinder #2: I eventually got disconnected. But I had my orders and so had to call back. Then I had to go through the whole stinkin routine all over again. Eleven. Mothergrabbing. Times. On the twelfth time I told the operator DO NOT transfer me, DO NOT put me in voicemail, DO connect me to a human parts person NOW. By this time she knew my voice and I finally got the parts guy. When I asked WTFuckingF he told me that if I didn’t have a customer ID number then my call went to the bottom of the list and stayed there until all other calls were finished. And since there were only three parts guys that meant forever. I was very nice and personable as the guy explained that my question wasn’t his department. Then I went and had a beer or three. They don’t pay me enough to pop a vein in my head. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/36 "2008-11-12T05:10:13Z")
Tell them your customer ID number is 1. Then let _them_ correct it when they come on line. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/37 "2008-11-12T11:44:29Z")
For voice recognition systems just make silly words for the first question until the system gives up and connects you to a person. It works. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/38 "2008-11-12T14:45:41Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > The Giant Eagle (grocery store) has these miracle devices that they call the ‘personal shopper’. It’s a hand-held wireless bar code scanner. I pick one up when I enter the store, and I walk around purchasing things by scanning them and sticking them into my shopping bags in the cart. When I am all finished, I go to one of the self-checkouts, and I pay. > > No more standing in line behind the family of 40 who has 15 grocery carts! Mine doesn’t! I object! ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/39 "2008-11-12T14:52:11Z")
I usually repeat, “stupid fucking computer, get me a human” until it gives up and does my bidding. After saying, “I didn’t understand you. Could you repeat that, please?” a few times. I word of warning to those who do as I do. Some of these systems record (pure audio) what you say and play it back to a human before connecting. I found that out when one operator repeated what I said once, which was “blablablablablablablablabalb” and she repeated it perfectly. ---
**Author:** ![Zjestika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/8edcca/32.png) [@Zjestika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zjestika)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756/40 "2008-11-12T16:04:26Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > “I’ll transfer you to an operator in a moment. First, let me find out a little information about why you called, so I can direct you properly.” > > Goddamn Simone. Goddamn Virgin Mobile. I think I’ve talked to Simone. She sounds really hip and cool, doesn’t she? Virgin Mobile knows we cool pay-by-the-minute phone users don’t want a boring button up computer voice. We want a computer voice that we can relate to- young, “with it,” and unable to handle regular monthly cell phone payments. On the topic of odd choices for computer voices, why do all the TCF ATMS in the Twin Cities area have posh British accents? What the hell is that? WHY ARE YOU BRITISH, cash machine?? Also, why is the tram between the airport terminals at the Minneapolis St Paul airport _also_ British? I enjoy a nice British accent, but in Minnesota we have a perfectly silly accent of our own that would be perfect for ATMs and trams, no need to outsource. And why British, not French or Australian or German? It’s so strange. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/those-stupid-computer-voices/471756.md?page=3)