# Thoughts on becoming a SAHM **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 18, 2025, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160 "2025-09-18T18:35:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2026, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/261 "2026-08-04T02:38:09Z")
How’s everyone feeling? Let us know how the new school goes. Hope all is well! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2026, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/262 "2026-08-04T21:15:38Z")
The boy is doing great. He was just cleared to swim. He is spending two days with his grandfather, who is in town, at great-grandma’s house. Parents have been free to do whatever. Last night’s agenda was pizza and video games and talking through some parenting differences. We might do some furniture planning tonight. But probably we’ll play more video games. One of our dreams for a finished basement was having a home office setup where we could game together from our separate workstations. So we are living that dream. It’s fantastic. (_Grim Dawn_, if you’re wondering.) ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2026, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/263 "2026-08-06T23:43:36Z")
It sounds like things are looking up! Yay! I’m happy to hear it! ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2026, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/264 "2026-08-07T00:40:39Z")
Hey SW, just saw the last few posts and seems things are looking up. I PM’d you just now after belatedly seeing the start of this thread. To you and any parent with a child on the spectrum, open offer to share my experience as a parent and/or listen to you vent. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2026, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/265 "2026-08-14T17:18:11Z")
Just a little update. We are nearly three weeks out from surgery and the boy is fully recovered. He had excellent listening this week and was able so work through a couple of periods of upset without screaming. He seems calmer overall. I am cautiously optimistic this is making a difference. He had his last day of Summer day camp and had to say goodbye to one of the techs, who has been with him since he started ECSE at age three. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and he gave her a hug and said, “I love you!” She offered to babysit anytime, and we’re definitely going to take advantage of that. It has helped me to take a step back and realize how far he has come. He made a good friend at camp and two years ago he would barely acknowledge other kids. He didn’t know how to express his emotions and now he freely expresses his love for us. This year after he got his sixth Beep, he declared he was going to give Beeps to everyone he loved, and that he only needed a primary Beep and a backup Beep. So Mom and Dad now have a Beep to sleep with and he’s preparing for further distribution when we visit my Aunt. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2026, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/266 "2026-08-14T21:57:50Z")
Oh yay!! One thing I have consistently found it a struggle to do is to take that step back. I am always focused on the struggles of that moment and how far behind the kiddo is from her peers. But compared to two years ago and even more so four years ago she has come so far that I don’t think I would have even thought it was doable. Four years ago I was questioning whether high school would work for her at all, but she has for the most part been rocking it (except for English class, lol, and even there she has been able to figure out what she needs to do to get by). ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2026, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/267 "2026-08-14T22:01:12Z")
Heck, I can remember wondering if I would ever be able to have a conversation with him. Now, well… He’s very conversational. To say the least. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2026, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/268 "2026-08-16T15:57:48Z")
Such happy news! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2026, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/269 "2026-08-21T22:05:07Z")
Today was the pre-observation week orientation at the new school, where they went over what to expect for next week’s orientation. Surprised me when we walked in they immediately knew him by name and took us to the auditorium. They had all the adults and kids in the auditorium (maybe 5 or 6 families) and of course mine was obnoxiously loud. Once the thing started he started escalating and disrupting everyone. I was so embarrassed and was about to take him out of the auditorium (a process in and of itself) when one of the teachers came and sat beside him and said, “Hi, **Wee Weasel!** Would you like to talk with me for a little bit? But we have to use quiet voices.” She was like some kind of Weasel Whisperer, he quieted down and we were able to proceed. I think she may be his prospective first grade teacher. The difference between how the staff at the Academy responded and how they would respond in a public school was rather striking, I got pretty emotional. They didn’t treat my child like a problem. _Cries_ Then they took the kids off somewhere to get to know each other and did the parent orientation. We had a little ice breaker activity in small groups and you could tell people were kind of nervous to talk about their kids. And I get it because it’s hard to trust other parents with the reality of having a neurodiverse kid. People can be judgemental. And we wouldn’t have been there if we hadn’t been burned by public school. But of course all of our kids were dealing with similar kinds of things. One of the kids **Wee Weasel** met is obsessed with racecars and you could see Mom kind of embarrassed by his obvious stimming. Meanwhile my kid is spinning in circles. When they opened the floor for comments I saw two grown-ass men tear up as they described seeing so many kids like their own and how it was treated as if they were perfectly normal. The admissions director said there will be a lot of crying as kids grow and hit milestones. It was all just wonderfully positive and we are hopeful. Observation week is next week T-F, we will get the final admission decision that Friday. And they said we can enroll for the following Monday if he is admitted. They have a monthly parent group too so maybe we won’t feel so isolated. Obviously I’m scared it won’t work out but our fallback plan is also pretty solid. I’m glad we moved to this city because it really does bring peace of mind to know that no matter what he will have excellent schooling. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2026, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/270 "2026-08-22T01:38:25Z")
That sounds really promising. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2026, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/271 "2026-08-22T03:41:16Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > Heck, I can remember wondering if I would ever be able to have a conversation with him. Now, well… He’s very conversational. To say the least. This is fantastic! He might talk your ear off, but that’s a great thing! 🤣 So glad to hear that the surgery seems to have gone really well. In my experience, once the kiddo can communicate, a lot of the understandable frustration that led to meltdowns (or worse) eases. You go little Weasel! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2026, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/272 "2026-08-22T16:46:33Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > when one of the teachers came and sat beside him and said, “Hi, **Wee Weasel!** Would you like to talk with me for a little bit? But we have to use quiet voices.” Just wanted to add to this - it was a paradigm shift for me because I realized dragging him out of the situation (our standard MO) was teaching him absolutely nothing. This teacher, by staying with him, was teaching him how to be quiet in an auditorium. That’s a really hard one for me because I have social anxiety and I just want to flee whenever he starts getting louder and escalating. But even that can backfire because he becomes resistant to leaving too, and then gets angry and even louder. So the fact that she diffused all that - I’m beyond impressed. I want to say to all of these people: “Teach me everything you know.” ---
**Author:** ![echoreply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/echoreply/32/3641_2.png) [@echoreply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/echoreply)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2026, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/273 "2026-08-22T19:09:22Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I realized dragging him out of the situation (our standard MO) was teaching him absolutely nothing. This teacher, by staying with him, was teaching him how to be quiet in an auditorium. > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > that can backfire because he becomes resistant to leaving too, and then gets angry and even louder This is one of those situations were I find a big gap between neurodivergent and neurotypical. Parenting advice, from experts and people who think they know better, will say that consequences should follow from actions. Kid behaves inappropriately for an environment, then the kid gets the consequence of being removed from the environment. Neurotypical kid learns that to stay in a desirable environment they need to behave appropriately\[1\]. At least my neurodivergent kid does not have the executive function skills to ever make that connection. Even when explained outright, “we had to leave the playground because you were throwing rocks,” the kid never gets it. All kids will protest in the moment, but neurotypical will learn that throwing rocks is a quick trip home. Neurodivergent may never make that connection, and are possibly unable to make that connection\[2\]. All my kid ever saw was a random punishment, not a consequence from actions. My kid does make the connection with rewards, though. Quitting down gets attention from an adult who is interested in him. That is a potent reward, and a very well done by the teacher to know how to execute it. * * * 1. or they learn that a tantrum can get them removed from an undesirable environment 2. and there is a big difference between the kid echoing back, “I threw rocks so we needed to leave,” to get you to shut up about it, and the kid really understanding how actions lead to consequences ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2026, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/274 "2026-08-23T03:47:37Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > Just wanted to add to this - it was a paradigm shift for me because I realized dragging him out of the situation (our standard MO) was teaching him absolutely nothing. This was reallly big for me as well, both as a teacher and a parent, even for neurotypical kids. When I was teaching kindergarten, we gave stars to the kids and if they got a certain number of stars they would get a reward. We would also erase stars for misbehavior. For most kids, it would work out well. Give them a warning and they would stop. One boy was out of control. The teacher that had him the previous year couldn’t handle him so he spent a lot of time in the office. Typical punishments would just make things worse. With him, erasing stars would cause meltdowns, and I eventually found other ways of getting him to stop his bahaviors. Another boy was “defiant” in that if you erased one start, he would intentionally repeat the behavior and dare you to erase more stars. It was interesting and challenging to find ways to become more effective. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2026, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/275 "2026-08-23T19:35:54Z")
It sounds like he will have the guidance he needs. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2026, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/276 "2026-08-24T13:14:23Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > With him, erasing stars would cause meltdowns, and I eventually found other ways of getting him to stop his bahaviors. We had a similar thing with my son. At first the teacher set up this star system but he became hyperfixated on the stars and became very upset when he didn’t get them. A lot of this is just trial and error. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2026, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/277 "2026-08-24T13:22:10Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > At first the teacher set up this star system but he became hyperfixated on the stars and became very upset when he didn’t get them. I gave coloring sheeting as rewards, with five stars for a printout they could color. The kid would give away the printouts, it was getting the stars which was life or death for him. > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > A lot of this is just trial and error. Yes, with a caveat that it takes flexibility on the part of the teacher / parent to be willing to try different things. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2026, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/278 "2026-08-25T15:44:09Z")
Well. Got a call from the new school on literally his first observation day, I had to leave work and go pick him up. They are giving him one more chance. I’m not sure what we’re doing wrong. His behavior has been escalating all summer, we got the surgery, so far that hasn’t helped. The only thing I can think of is to take him off screens completely so I can see if that impacts his behavior, but I doubt it will be that simple. But I’ll try anything at this point and I’ve been concerned about it anyway for various reasons. He told me he can’t control his behavior once it starts. I don’t know what to make of that. I wanna call bullshit. I told him there’s always a chance to change your behavior even in the middle of not listening. Now I’m home and he’s home. I’m drowning in work I have to get back to it after lunch. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. I don’t know if it’s even sustainable to have a job like mine with a kid like this. I’m trying not to catastrophize. If he doesn’t get in, he goes to the public school, which I’m really okay with because I’ve heard great things about the district and 2e kids. But that’s going to be a whole registration process at a time when I’m absolutely drowning. I don’t think, right now, we can live without my income. But I can’t keep leaving in the middle of the work day like this. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2026, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/279 "2026-08-25T21:00:39Z")
Oh I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t have any useful advice but I just wanted the say I feel for you. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2026, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160/280 "2026-08-25T22:19:43Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > He told me he can’t control his behavior once it starts. I don’t know what to make of that. I wanna call bullshit. I think it’s okay to call bullshit. Hold him to a high standard and challenge him to be his best self. Especially if you as his parent know his potential (I’m guessing that you’ve seen him change his behavior, so you have a sense that this is excuse making). I’m not trying to be extra tough on him. He still needs the love and attention that you’re offering. And some of this might just be him reacting to the novelty of a new setting, and not truly an inability to control himself. Maybe he’s overly stimulated and struggling with the excitement and nervousness. My best to you and the family! I can certainly recall having to get my son from school, and how stressful it was trying to juggle that with work. Don’t forget to give _yourself_ some quality time, too! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thoughts-on-becoming-a-sahm/1023160.md?page=15)