# Threadkillers 2001!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [January 1, 2001, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015 "2001-01-01T21:16:08Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 26

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**Author:** ![Kaotic\_Newtral](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/71e660/32.png) [@Kaotic\_Newtral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaotic_Newtral)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/501 "2001-01-05T19:32:56Z")

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struuter! HHHEEELLLOO! Where’d you go? Was the Dew poisoned? Must’ve been an attempted hit by those mob guys.

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**Author:** ![fierra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58956e/32.png) [@fierra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fierra)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/502 "2001-01-05T19:36:39Z")

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pan to fierra, looking worried, and proferring fluffy towelling robes to our weary, beslimed heroes…  
camera lingers slightly longer on struuter as she puts the robe on…there must be something about the way that threadslime makes clothes cling to a girl…

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**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/503 "2001-01-05T19:38:24Z")

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Great Leepin’ Cats!

I take a nap for a couple days and the damned thread grows to TWICE its size! What in the hell have you people been feeding this thing? Knishes? Saurons? Sauron Kinishes? I mean really! This one has gotten even bigger than the last one!  
I had a thought. Ya know, it isn’t really the last poster that kills the thread. It’s all the others out there that stop posting. Those unhearalded souls who summon up the courage to stop posting and let the monster die of starvation, those are the true master threadkillers…

The question is, Can You Do It? Can YOU stop the madness? Do You have it in your being to be the one who says, “Enough already! I must let it die!” Do You have the cajoins (sp?) to turn your back on this obscene mutant thread-monster and walk with dignity into the sunset, never to post on this thread again?  
Will You be the one to make the hurting stop?

Eh, probably not. I know I won’t be.

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**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/504 "2001-01-05T19:39:53Z")

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wipes slime off self…

“this rates a 9.0 on my wierd Shit-o-meter…” he quotes shamelessly.

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**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/505 "2001-01-05T19:44:18Z")

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\<panning over to **ts** , we see the slime is starting to freeze in place\>

“Hey, did **snow** go in there naked?”

::wearily:: Yes, I had to in order to freeze the beast. Clothes would have gotten caught and hampered the rescue. \<slump\>

[notsosubtle]  
\<circling back around, we see he is using an ice-scraper to remove the larger chunks of of ooze, but that he might need a good bathing to clear himself of the finer bits\>  
[/notsosubtle]

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**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/506 "2001-01-05T19:48:07Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by thinksnow \*  
> Clothes would have gotten caught and hampered the rescue.

Yet ANOTHER reminder of the failed dating ploys in my college days. Boy, you guys are just determined to torment me, aren’t you?

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**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/507 "2001-01-05T19:48:50Z")

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Well, looks like those guys didn’t have what it takes…

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**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/508 "2001-01-05T19:50:25Z")

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\>body lies ooozing life

:extremely faint whisper: Not…much…longer…now

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**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/509 "2001-01-05T19:52:16Z")

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Holy Cannoli, er, Knish!

Don’t you people have **work** to do? Here I’ve been slaving away, for the good of society, and what have you accomplished?? Pages and pages of flirting! Hmrmph!!

[sub]Someone is clearly jealous that **she** missed out on so much, methinks[/sub] 😃

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**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/510 "2001-01-05T19:55:12Z")

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Nope. Mermaid doesn’t have it either. _sigh_

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**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/511 "2001-01-05T20:03:12Z")

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_particlewill–I am weak. I will post until my fingers fall off. Sad, but true._

struuter looks around, clutching fluffy robe to her frosty, yet firm form (how’s that for alliteration?).

thinks…you’ve saved me. \<clings to his (yeesh, I forgot he’s _naked!_ Oh well…) strong body and plants a heart stopping, snow-melting kiss on him\>

Wait! We’ve got to save Mermaid! She…saved me too…man, that’s cool. Had my life saved twice… 😃  
\<struuter runs to Mermaid, her fluffy robe parting ever to slightly as her long, silky legs move across the floor and her pert…ah, nevermind\>

Quick! She needs mouth to mouth! Hurry! And then…and then…_I_need mouth to mouth!

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Kaotic\_Newtral](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/71e660/32.png) [@Kaotic\_Newtral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaotic_Newtral)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/512 "2001-01-05T20:05:27Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by particlewill \*  
> \*\*Nope. Mermaid doesn’t have it either. _sigh_ \*\*

I do!

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**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/513 "2001-01-05T20:14:12Z")

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**struuter**

> [@](#):
>
> thinks…you’ve saved me. \<clings to his (yeesh, I forgot he’s naked! Oh well…) strong body and plants a heart stopping, snow-melting kiss on him\>

Wow, I’m melting, melting…[sub]melting. What a world, what a world![/sub] Yet, part of me ::looking down to check:: is most assuredly _not_ melting 😉

OMG! **Mermaid**!  
\<rushing over and checking pulse\>

She’s alive! Get me a CBC, chem 7 and a full panel.  
Wait, make that some Advil[sup]TM[/sup] and a glass of water.

::cooing softly and brushing the hair from her face:: **Mermaid…Mermaid** , can you hear me?

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**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/514 "2001-01-05T20:17:01Z")

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Ow, my head…

\<slowly wakes up, sees **Mermaid** laying on the ground, unconcious\>

Whazzis? An EMERGENCY?! Well, then, it’s good that I woke up, for I am…

_McDOUGAL, INVENTIVE SUPER-GUY!_ \<reverb, reverb, reverb\>

Now, I believe that I can be of service in this little incident! Stand aside, ma’am. I…

_McDOUGAL, INVENTIVE SUPER-GUY!_ \<reverb, reverb, reverb\>

learned _this_ little trick a couple years back…

\<constructs a defibulator out of a roll of duct tape, a button, some lint, and a hoboe\>  
Ready, one…two…three…CLEAR!  
\<zzzzzzzzzzzzzzap!\>  
\< **Mermaid** wakes up, groggy, but alright\>

There there, now, miss, don’t you worry your pretty little head. You just lay there and rest up, you’ve been through quite alot.  
Now, as for YOU, thready, I think I can whip up a nice handy bazooka for you out of a baseball card, chewing gun, and lead pipe. Why? Because I am…

_McDOUGAL, INVENTIVE SUP_…

\<thread smacks him, he flies across the room and goes unconcious\>

Jeepers.

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**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/515 "2001-01-05T20:27:53Z")

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\<watches everyone file past her to help Mermaid. looks perplexed\>

Hey…anybody wanna hear about how awful it was trapped inside the thread? I was really mortified…guys? And I’m still pretty weak, too…

\<no one hears her\>  
_sigh_  
\<turns and studies Jester lying in the corner, shrugs\>  
Okay, J. I’m on my way. We gotta get you better. And no more staying up all night watching the Animal Channel and Nick at Night.

\<adjusts her knishes and starts cpr on Jester\>

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**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/516 "2001-01-05T21:13:22Z")

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- What the hell was that!!!

I do feel better though.

This damn thread has nearly killed 2 of us, driven another to the brink of insanity and slimed untold others. It must be stopped but how?

I’m too weak to participate in any thread wupping now but I could use a personal caregiver or 2 to help nurse me back to health.

:feeble cough:

Who wants to bring me a hot toddy (double bourban please), give me a full body hot jasmine-scented oil massage and tell me how lucky I am to be alive?

Oh and struuter here needs the same treatment if not better because she was actually consumed by the beast and had her body taken over for a while. What could be more horrific that that?

\>gently pats struuter on the arm

There, there Honey I know you must feel just awful. I guess we will just have to console each other until some compassionate souls arrive.

Can you believe the way that thing smells. Did I ever tell you about the mouse that used to live under my dad’s chair? I’m telling you that thing had a problem…

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**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/517 "2001-01-05T21:19:41Z")

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Hey, struut, does this one have that little thing on the left side its stomach that looks like Howard Stern’s butt encased in Saran Wrap? I saw that in the first thread, when I was in there. Just wondering if it was a genetic feature. Scared the hell out of me, I can tell you that.

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**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/518 "2001-01-05T21:21:28Z")

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Thanks, Mermaid. You’re a tribute to the nursing community. And look! All that wretched thread fighting and not a run in your hose. I wasn’t so lucky. I guess tight leather catsuits aren’t meant for trips through a digestive tract.

Feh. I think I’m done with whole catsuit look anyway. I’m going to have to think about my next threadkilling fashion move. And it looks like we’ve got time to discuss it.

Whaddya think would look good? A softer struuter? Lavender and lace and all that? I don’t know…

Here…you look like you could use a nice knish.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/519 "2001-01-05T21:22:34Z")

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Notices that Jester is also injured but has been revived by struuter(again).

Speak to us. Do you know who you are?

\>places Jester’s head on her ample bosum.

there there I know how awful you must feel. Come let’s all lie here on these comfy convenient cushions and await some assistance from our compassionate friends.

\*\* struuter\*\* :feeble cough:

\*\* mermaid\*\* :feeble cough:

\*\* jester\*\* :feeble cough:

[sub]Oh whatever is to become of us?[/sub]

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threadkillers-2001/48015/520 "2001-01-05T21:25:14Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Sauron \*  
> \*\*Hey, struut, does this one have that little thing on the left side its stomach that looks like Howard Stern’s butt encased in Saran Wrap? I saw that in the first thread, when I was in there. Just wondering if it was a genetic feature. Scared the hell out of me, I can tell you that. \*\*

Mmmmm…you know, I try not to think about Howard Stern’s back end if possible. But yeah. I think so. Yick…wonder what _that_is supposed to be.

I need a strong drink right about now.

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