# Threats. Funny, over-the-top, hyperbolic threats (probably NSFW) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 17, 2015, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467 "2015-07-17T23:32:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Randy\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/1 "2015-07-17T23:32:37Z")
“I am going to wrap my dick around your neck and start you like a goddamn lawn mower.” “I am going to yank the teeth out of your shattered skull and make a necklace out of them to give to the sons I father on your widow.” “I am going to flay you alive and use your skin to make a condom to fuck your mother.” “I am going to stab you in the heart with a swordfish.” “I am going to take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner, and then NEVER CALL HER AGAIN!” (credit to _Anchorman_) “I am going to shove a red-hot cactus up your nose.” (Credit to Weird Al) “I am going to shove raw sausages down your throat and starving dogs up your ass.” “I am going to shit my fury on you until you drown in it.” “I will raze your cities, sow your fields with salt, and dance in the ruins of your shattered temples.” “I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.” (Credit to _Penny Arcade_) Your turn! ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/2 "2015-07-17T23:46:09Z")
I will rip off your head and shit down your throat! ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/3 "2015-07-17T23:49:30Z")
I’ve knocked out bigger men then you just by spitting teeth at them. ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/4 "2015-07-17T23:50:05Z")
I’m going to rip your arm off and beat you to death with it! ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/5 "2015-07-18T00:15:44Z")
I’m gonna kill you so bad, you’re gonna WISH you were dead! ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/6 "2015-07-18T00:26:02Z")
I’m going to kill you. A lot. I’m going to hit you so hard your grandchildren will be dizzy. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/7 "2015-07-18T00:34:02Z")
“Silence, dog. Your have no purpose but to die by my hand.” (Jon Irenicus, _Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows of Amn_) “I’m not going to kill you. I’m only going to hurt you. A lot.” (Joker, _Suicide Squad_) “I mean to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot!” (Jack Reacher, _Jack Reacher_) ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/8 "2015-07-18T00:36:10Z")
Forgot my all-time favorite: “Hanging’s too good for him. Burning’s too good for him! He should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!” (Hanover Fiste, _Heavy Metal_) ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/9 "2015-07-18T01:09:30Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > I will rip off your head and shit down your throat! Malcolm Tucker: > [@](#): > > And if you fuck me around again, I’ll tell you something: [laughs slightly] I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, [grabs Frankie’s head] and then I’m going to stick your FUCKING head back on AND SHIT ON THAT! Actually, \*The Thick Of It \*was the motherlode of hyperbolic threats of violence, most of them unforgettably delivered by Peter Capaldi: > [@](#): > > You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano sheath and push it up your cock! And then I’ll plug some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don’t like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing YOUR balls! > [@](#): > > I think we should use the ‘carrot and stick’ approach. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. > [@](#): > > I’m scaring you? I’m so sorry for fucking scaring you, I mustn’t scare you, must I? I won’t scare you! Okay, I’m just going to explain what I’m gonna fucking to do to you! I’m gonna take your bollocks, I’m gonna fucking rip them off, I’m gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them! And then stitch them to a FUCKING SOCK and use THAT as a mouthpiece! And possibly the greatest threat ever issued by man: > [@](#): > > And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. [Phil tries to protest] DO NOT FUCKING interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother’s birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?! ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/10 "2015-07-18T01:25:43Z")
Fear me, for I know CPR. I will kill you, bring you back to life, then kill you again…and the second time you die you will know _exactly_ what awaits you. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/11 "2015-07-18T01:37:09Z")
hopefully you make one more move on me you motherfucker I’ll fuckin’ cut your fuckin’ balls off I’ll shove them up your fuckin’ ass, I’ll fuckin’ bury you, I’ll put fuckin’ ice picks in your eyes, I’ll chop your fuckin’ eyeballs, I’ll send them to your fuckin’ family so they can eat 'em for dessert. You understand me? ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/12 "2015-07-18T01:40:48Z")
_The DI in Full Metal Jacket_ “ **I will gouge out your eyes and skullfuck you!** ” “ **I’ve got pieces of guys like you in my stool.** ” _Sinatra maybe_? For some reason I always thought it was related to The Rat Pack but I could easily be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/13 "2015-07-18T01:40:49Z")
“No – To The Pain! I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. To The Pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right. Your ears you keep, and I’ll tell you why: so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out ‘DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?’ will echo in your perfect ears. That is what To The Pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.” – Westley, to Prince Humperdink, in _The Princess Bride._ ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/14 "2015-07-18T01:51:21Z")
> [@River\_Hippie](#): > > “ **I’ve got pieces of guys like you in my stool.** ” _Sinatra maybe_? For some reason I always thought it was related to The Rat Pack but I could easily be wrong. I saw/heard that one as Phil Hartman parody of Sinatra, upbraiding Sting parody of Billy Idol, on Saturay Night Live sketch \*The Sinatra Group \*(parody of The McLaughlin Group). ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/15 "2015-07-18T01:55:09Z")
Belkar Bitterleaf has made some memorable threats; “I am going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don’t shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days!” “I’m going to knock you so far down into negative hit points, you’re going to come back around to positives, and yes I know that doesn’t make any sense!” “Back me up and I’ll cut a path through these guys…Wait did I say “path”? I mean a five-lane blacktop highway with a two-lane service road - and I’m packin’ a fistful of tokens and a radar detector!” ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/16 "2015-07-18T02:28:12Z")
Inevitable _Firefly_ quotes: “Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn’t matter where you go or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.” (which immediately turns out to be an empty threat) “You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ‘til ya understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.” (Re: Reavers)“If they take the ship, they’ll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we’re very, very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.” ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/17 "2015-07-18T18:06:09Z")
I’ll rip your leg off and beat you with the wet end. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/18 "2015-07-18T18:13:41Z")
From a very old online list of _supposedly_ actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong. Genuine or not, I think they’re great: \*I’ll spank you without pants. I’ll blow your throat up. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out! We’ll beat him out of recognizable shape! Your bones are going to be disconnected. I will remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. I shall deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.\* ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/19 "2015-07-18T18:46:54Z")
I _fart_ in your general direction! ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467/20 "2015-07-18T20:15:32Z")
From True Detective, season 2 If you bully my son again, I’m gonna come back and fuck your dad in the ass with your mom’s headless corpse. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/threats-funny-over-the-top-hyperbolic-threats-probably-nsfw/725467.md?page=2)