# Three Short and Sweet Rants **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 21, 2001, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604 "2001-11-21T16:29:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shadowfox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/21 "2001-11-21T17:49:28Z")
> [@](#): > > **the Weekly World News does in a _pinch_** > [@](#): > > \*\*Oh Jeeeezuz, now you’re reading the WWN while you’re taking a dump?!?!?! :eek: \*\* Actually, sitting on the toilet taking a dump is the _best_ place to read the Weekly World News. Nothing quite like emptying my bowels while reading the latest adventures of Bat Boy. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Baroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/76d3ee/32.png) [@Billy\_Baroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Baroo)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/22 "2001-11-21T17:50:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*(1) Unless it is an emergency, would you purdy please be so kind as to poop at home instead of the bathrooms at work. > \*\* I don’t want to use up any of the toilet paper at home unless it is an emergency. Hell yeah I’ll hold it in, till I’m touching cloth if necessary. But don’t get the vapors – oftentimes I’m masturbating when I’m in there. > [@](#): > > \*\*(3) If your nose is runny, blow it. Sucking snot is enough to make me puke. > \*\* My boss sniffles a lot. It’s how I vector her position vis-a-vis my visits to hungryjoes. God bless her ruddy chapped little nose! > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Mr. Cynical_ > \*\*…you should consider the miracle of the Courtesy Flush, by which olfactory nerves are spared your previous meals. > \*\* Yeah, yeah, yeah. But only when the stench is making ME queasy, you fucking crybaby. Are you one of those cleft assholes who goes in the employee john and brushes his teeth and rinses out his Tupperware? My spastic colon echoes my contempt for you, Felix Unger. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/23 "2001-11-21T18:07:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diane \* > \*\*I may forgive you if you can’t hold it, but grabbing a paperback, camping out on the toilet for 30 minutes, and stinking up not only the entire bathroom but sending a green fog 50 feet down the hallway, both directions is disgusting. Hey Stinkass, you fucking stink! > > If you must shit at least give a few courtesy flushes and spray. > > But why the hell are you people responding? \*\*NO - BO - DY - CARES \*\* \*\* **I - CARE - BE-CAUSE - YOU - HIT - A - FUCK-ING - NERVE** Diane, I like you. I think you are usually a thoughtful and intelligent poster, but think for a second. There are a lot of people who have IBS or IBD (myself being the latter) that can’t hold it like your precious rectum can. Why don’t you think for two seconds before reminding (already) embarrassed people like me that we are “stink-asses”. Would you tell a handicapped person to stand up and fucking walk because they are inconveniencing you in some way? Or how about a handicapped person who can’t help passing gas? Would you call him a “stink-ass”?? BTW, I am MASTER of the courtesy-flush, but I don’t carry fucking spray with me! I don’t stink half as much as some normal-boweled people do anyway. And before you say, “Well, I wasn’t talking about YOU!”, keep in mind that you never know why someone has to use the bathroom at work, or the grocery store, or school, or wherever your delicate nose may be. On behalf of everyone with Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn’s Disease, I FUCKING APOLOGIZE! [However, if you were just trying to be funny, please disregard the above rant. 🙂] ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/24 "2001-11-21T18:24:02Z")
> [@](#): > > So excuse the fuck out of me if I think my health is more important. That’s my thoughts exactly. Burning watering eyes, skin melting off my body, stomach hurling, lungs bursting from lack of oxygen, nose shutting down, adrenaline pumping trying to jump-start my fight or flee instinct - all those things aren’t good for MY health, thankyouverymuch. > [@](#): > > And I’ll throw in an extra post-poop flush if I happen to leave streaks. Don’t even get me started on the streaks or floaters. > [@](#): > > where folks eat a healthy, bland diet which should result in low-smell quotient bowel movements. I could only hope for such a thing. > [@](#): > > There are a lot of people who have IBS or IBD . . . I feel for you, really, but [Mr. Wolfe voice on] _pretty please, with fucking sugar on top_ [Mr. Wolfe voice off] COURTESY FLUSH AND SPRAY SOMETHING SPRING-TIME FRESH! > [@](#): > > Would you tell a handicapped person to stand up and fucking walk because they are inconveniencing you in some way? Or how about a handicapped person who can’t help passing gas? Would you call him a “stink-ass”?? I. . . um. . . . . _smell_ a strawman in the making. > [@](#): > > I don’t stink half as much . . . Then I am only half-way bitching about you. 😉 Not to be gross or anything, but does your screen name have anything to do with your condition? :::OUCH!::: I was kidding! ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/25 "2001-11-21T18:33:32Z")
Di, Di, Di. I used to hold it til I got home. But just ONE episode where the car broke down en route has caused me to re-think the whole “no pooping away from home” rule. Let’s just say I had to make a quick dash into the woods where my bowels claimed certain victory over my sphincter muscle. Now I confess, I poop where I must, be it at work, the theatre, or home. But, hey, it’s in a TOILET where such things should go and at least you won’t risk stepping in it whilst tiptoeing through the tulips in a certain woods… I’ll keep the courtesy flush in mind. BTW, you’ll be happy to know that I _do_ blow my nose when needed. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/26 "2001-11-21T18:36:19Z")
> [@](#): > > (2) Thank you grocery stores for the little black plastic that protects our eyes from the evil that is Cosmo’s magazine cover. :roleyes: BWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAA _gasping for breath_ Oh my God, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Wooooooo. Hahahahahaha. Only in Utah. When I used to buy Cosmo in Albertsons in Park City they didn’t have the black plastic, man, how times have changed. > [@](#): > > (3) If your nose is runny, blow it. Sucking snot is enough to make me puke. AMEN!!! I was in a math test yesterday and the person behind me and the person in front of me took turns “sniffing”. _sniff_-beat- **sniff** -beat-_sniff_-beat- **sniffffffffffff**. All fucking hour. I swear to God I almost lost my mind. ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/27 "2001-11-21T18:48:57Z")
> [@](#): > > Let’s just say I had to make a quick dash into the woods where my bowels claimed certain victory over my sphincter muscle. In this situation, and this situation only, would a lack of a courtesy flush (or any other kind of flush) be forgiven. The spray part may also be forgiven depending on which way the wind was blowing. Pepper - Utah, ya gotta love the place. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Oblong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c0e974/32.png) [@Oblong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oblong)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/28 "2001-11-21T18:57:32Z")
Am I the only one who doesn’t make all kinds of noises when I shit? I swear, everytime I go in the john there’s someone in there who’s farting, swishing, grunting while dumping. Is diahhrea that rampant? I almost throw up everytime I hear it. God forbid if they happen to be in the next stall. Would it be possible to put in a large fan that makes alot of noise or a radio that blares music so don’t have to hear every drip, drop, splash, fart, squish, and trickle? ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/29 "2001-11-21T19:37:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Why A Duck \* > \*\* (did you see it this week? they cloned Hitler’s nose and it’s growing a moustache! Holy Miles Monroe!). \*\* Hey, I saw that too! It’s my new favorite, after “Lips on Man in the Moon Appear to be Moving”. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/30 "2001-11-21T19:40:34Z")
> [@](#): > > Nutty Bunny: > **Would you tell a handicapped person to stand up and fucking walk because they are inconveniencing you in some way? Or how about a handicapped person who can’t help passing gas? Would you call him a “stink-ass”??** > [@](#): > > Diane: > **I. . . um. . . . . _smell_ a strawman in the making.** Okay, I admit I had that coming. Even _I_ cringed when I hit ‘Submit’. My point–as awkwardly put as it was–is that I can’t help having to use the bathrooms in public places and I shouldn’t have to feel any further embarrassment than I already do about it. > [@](#): > > Diane: > \*\*Then I am only half-way bitching about you. 😉 Not to be gross or anything, but does your screen name have anything to do with your condition? > > :::OUCH!::: I was kidding!\*\* Ouch, indeed! ---
**Author:** ![kellibelli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e480ec/32.png) [@kellibelli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellibelli)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/31 "2001-11-21T21:00:41Z")
OMG this is some funny shit (hahahahah) > [@](#): > > Yeah, yeah, yeah. But only when the stench is making ME queasy, you fucking crybaby. Are you one of those cleft assholes who goes in the employee john and brushes his teeth and rinses out his Tupperware? My spastic colon echoes my contempt for you, Felix Unger. i really honestly laughed out loud, the kids are all like: “Mom, what is so funny?” Beat this: **At the bathroom near my classroom, someone has been picking their nose and sticking the boogers to the stall walls.** (I try to only poop at home, but when ya gotta go, ya gotta go! courtesy flush is a good thing) ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/32 "2001-11-21T21:49:10Z")
Diane, You know I’m a work pooper. I have suffered the torment that is overflowing diarhea toilet syndrome and lived, yet I still poop at work. My pooper seems programmed to go approximately 30 minutes after I arrive, and I’ve accepted that. I hereby apologize for all future gross outs I cause! (On a related note, my sister and I went to a casino 2 weeks ago. I REALLY had to go (I was sick) and had her drop me at the front door. I ran in and was in the middle of a very nasty episode when she walks in and says “JESUS! Did somebody slaughter a cow in here?” Let’s just say that my combination pooping/laughing was just a horrible thing. There were also other people present and they probably needed therapy.) So anyhoo, I shall continue to poop and work, and I’ll think of you each time I do. ::Zette on shitter:: “I wonder how Diane is today?” Zette ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/33 "2001-11-21T22:21:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Billy Baroo \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > _Originally posted by Mr. Cynical_ > > \*\*…you should consider the miracle of the Courtesy Flush, by which olfactory nerves are spared your previous meals. > > \*\* > > Yeah, yeah, yeah. But only when the stench is making ME queasy, you fucking crybaby. Are you one of those cleft assholes who goes in the employee john and brushes his teeth and rinses out his Tupperware? My spastic colon echoes my contempt for you, Felix Unger. \*\* Let’s address your stupidity in order of magnitude, rather than chronologically. On second thought, let’s not, as they’re ALL gems. Your the only echoing in your colon is the bullshit spewing out of your mouth, since your head is FIRMLY ensconsed therein. This would likely also explain why you can’t smell your own shit. Your nostrils are plugged with it on the rare occasion that you _actually_ remove your head from appendix-suckling territory. Tell me, are you one of those people who goes in there, drops a loaf, and reads the paper while festering in it? That smell stays in your hair, you know. And as you wade through the office, bathed in your own fecal stench, you may rest assured that people aren’t avoiding you solely because you stink. Nay, they are avoiding you because nobody’s ever actually seen those stink lines coming from anyone aside from in a cartoon. Clearly, however, you are the shit-master. And as such, I defer, yet not submit, to your obvious superior knowledge of all things shitty. And, with that in mind, I state the obvious: If you know anyone here, it’s yourself. Thank you, and GOODNIGHT! ---
**Author:** ![Balduran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cc9497/32.png) [@Balduran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balduran)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/34 "2001-11-21T22:26:29Z")
> [@](#): > > Would it be possible to put in a large fan that makes alot of noise or a radio that blares music so don’t have to hear every drip, drop, splash, fart, squish, and trickle? . I read an article a fews ago about Japanese toilet stalls the have electronic running water sounds for this very purpose. Darn good idea. ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2001, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/35 "2001-11-22T02:15:06Z")
Man, you people really do get worked up easily! ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2001, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/36 "2001-11-22T02:33:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Would it be possible to put in a large fan that makes alot of noise or a radio that blares music so don’t have to hear every drip, drop, splash, fart, squish, and trickle? Better yet, I say they install toilets that automatically flush LOUDLY every 30 seconds when someone is pooping and room spray that shoots out with the sound of a cannon. Might as well kill all the birds with one stone. > [@](#): > > ::Zette on shitter:: “I wonder how Diane is today?” You be nice Zette, or I am going to say something about your sig and how we can compare it to your last post in this thread. 😉 > [@](#): > > I read an article a fews ago about Japanese toilet stalls the have electronic running water sounds for this very purpose. This would work really well for those times at the end of the day when you want to pee before a long commute but you just can’t get the stream flowing. One more bitch while I’m on a roll. Today the office old maid who burps loudly, butts into every conversation, cackles like a turkey, and has a floor fan pointed RIGHT THE FUCK UP HER SKIRT so you see her big white underwear everytime you walk into her office, anyway, today she walks into the bathroom right behind me and as she is carrying on a conversation with me takes time out to grunt. _“So Diane, di-uuuuuuuung-d you goooooooo-uh to thaaat traaaaaa-uh-ining this mooooooooor-ning :::grunt:::”_ then I hear a big PLOP!. Now THAT is freakin gross! If that wasn’t enough, SHE IS IN MY FUCKING SPACE!!! She must have been sitting spread eagle on the pot because her left foot is hanging inside my bathroom stall a good 8 to 10 inches!!! WTF IS THAT ABOUT!?!?! > [@](#): > > Man, you people really do get worked up easily! You know Demo, if more people would get back up easily, we wouldn’t have to worry about stinky bathrooms. Oh, you said _worked up_. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2001, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/37 "2001-11-22T02:42:39Z")
She had a conversation with you?? On the shitter?? Wow. The only one I can imagine having is peppering my visits with agonizing groans and grunts, splish splashing away, moaning and howling, then coming out and telling you “do NOT try milk if it even KINDA looks chunky. Seriously.” Aren’t you glad we don’t work together? 😉 Zette ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2001, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/38 "2001-11-22T02:52:01Z")
> [@](#): > > Aren’t you glad we don’t work together? Actually, I think the people who are glad we don’t work together are those who would be our coworkers. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2001, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/39 "2001-11-22T03:37:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diane \* > **_"So Diane, di-uuuuuuuung-d you goooooooo-uh to thaaat traaaaaa-uh-ining this mooooooooor-ning :::grunt:::"_ then I hear a big PLOP!** Please, oh please, oh please let me use this as a sig line. Pretty please? ---
**Author:** ![zoony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e99b99/32.png) [@zoony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoony)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2001, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604/40 "2001-11-22T03:41:18Z")
I dunno, **Diane** , y’ever think folks spend that kind of time in the WC 'cuz they’re hiding from you? I know I would be… z [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/three-short-and-sweet-rants/94604.md?page=3)