# Tiger Woods Joke Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 14, 2009, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188 "2009-12-14T04:30:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![fighting\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ac8455/32.png) [@fighting\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fighting_ignorant)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/1 "2009-12-14T04:30:15Z")
I heard Tiger Woods is changing his name to Cheetah ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/2 "2009-12-14T05:28:30Z")
Q: What’ s the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade? A: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards. ---
**Author:** ![Patch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Patch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patch)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/3 "2009-12-14T06:55:04Z")
Q: Why did Tiger hit a fire hydrant and a tree? A; He couldn’t decide between an iron and a wood. Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? A: They went clubbing Q: What club did Elin use to ‘rescue’ her husband? A: A bitching wedge. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/4 "2009-12-14T07:29:15Z")
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at three Hos. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/5 "2009-12-14T12:39:28Z")
> [@fighting\_ignorant](#): > > I heard Tiger Woods is changing his name to Cheetah I’ve heard he’s changing his name to Lion. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/6 "2009-12-14T13:13:33Z")
Why has the PGA suspended Tiger Woods? He’s using oversize balls. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/7 "2009-12-14T14:18:32Z")
So we finally found someone who can beat Tiger with golf clubs! ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/8 "2009-12-14T14:40:14Z")
**Grabs niblick** **Assumes stance, wiggling ass a few times** **Hits thread from Cafe Society to MPSIMS** **Fist pumps** ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/9 "2009-12-14T14:47:14Z")
What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/10 "2009-12-14T15:15:11Z")
> [@Quercus](#): > > So we finally found someone who can beat Tiger with golf clubs! Certainly a lot of people can out-drive him. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/11 "2009-12-14T19:55:57Z")
I heard one about him out doing 18 hos, but can’t remember the exact setup. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/12 "2009-12-14T20:04:45Z")
One of Tiger’s ladies complained that the worst thing about having sex with him was the guy standing at the foot of the bed screaming “IT’S IN THE HOLE!” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/13 "2009-12-14T20:31:16Z")
God and Moses are playing golf. Moses tees off, it’s a nice shot a couple of feet from the hole, but hey, he’s been doing this for thousands of years. God has been reading a little book. He puts it in his pocket and takes out a five iron. “Oye”, says Moses, “If you use a five iron, you will slice and hit the water trap.” “Tiger Woods”, replies God, “Says to use a five iron on this hole.” Sure enough, he hits the water trap. Moses walks over to the trap, waves his arms, the water rolls back and he brings the ball back. God takes up his five iron. “I told you,” Moses says, “You will slice and hit the water trap!” God again replies, “Tiger Woods says to use a five iron on this hole.” He hits the water trap. Moses stomps over to the water trap, throws his arms wide, gets the ball and returns. “If you use your five iron again, I’m not getting your ball!” He exclaims. “Tiger Woods”, insists God, “says to use a five iron.” He slices again. Moses makes no move to part the waters, so God walks on top of the water looking for his ball. Meanwhile some other guys have been waiting to tee off, and they are hacked. One of them marches over to Moses, grabs his shoulder and spins him around. “Who does that guy think he is, God?!?” “No,” replies Moses, “He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.” ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/14 "2009-12-14T20:34:34Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > Q: What’ s the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade? > A: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards. … without hitting a tree. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/15 "2009-12-14T22:54:37Z")
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.” Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?” Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.” Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.” Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?” Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.” Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.” Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?” Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.” Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.” Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!” The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?” Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW? ---
**Author:** ![Fang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/96bed5/32.png) [@Fang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fang)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/16 "2009-12-15T03:22:30Z")
Did you hear Tiger Woods caught an STD? The golf clap. ---
**Author:** ![Floater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dc4da7/32.png) [@Floater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Floater)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/17 "2009-12-15T12:14:41Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? > > They both get clubbed by Norwegians. Oh, no. Leave the seals to the Norwegians and let us Swedes handle the tigers. ---
**Author:** ![Wash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9dc877/32.png) [@Wash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wash)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/18 "2009-12-15T14:20:20Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > One of Tiger’s ladies complained that the worst thing about having sex with him was the guy standing at the foot of the bed screaming “IT’S IN THE HOLE!” Another said it was all the time he’d spend discussing the lie with his caddy before putting it in. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/19 "2009-12-15T14:42:19Z")
I understand 15 women have claimed to have sex with Tiger. 4 more and there will be a bunch of jokes about “the nineteenth hole.” ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188/20 "2009-12-15T16:02:44Z")
Women: The one trap he can’t get himself out of. You’d think his wife would have figured out why he had a ball washer next to the bed. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tiger-woods-joke-thread/521188.md?page=2)