# ‘Till Death us do fart. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 18, 2003, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983 "2003-11-18T22:02:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/1 "2003-11-18T22:02:00Z")
I like antiques. Put me in a store or warehouse full of old stuff and I’ll happily browse for hours on end. I’d seen an intriguing place recently and decided to stop in during my lunch hour today and it did not disappoint. It was chock full of primitive furniture and many of the quirky, unusual items like those I’ve been collecting for years, ever since Grandmom had her shop. One item in particular though screamed at me to purchase it’s bad self. It was an old fireplace bellows, a pretty big one and in very reasonable shape for what appeared to be it’s advanced age. I figured we could take it to the cabin with it’s wood burning fireplace and end those years of high altitude hyperventilation we’d endured trying to get it lit each morning. Proud of my purchase, I brought the bellows back into the office with me to show off before taking it home. I don’t know if I mentioned it but the antique store was visited just after quenching my noon hunger at our local Whataburger. Mmmm… double with cheese, onion rings and a chocolate shake. That’s good eatings. As I was sitting here at my desk, I noticed that my meal had apparently been digesting as I shopped. I could tell this because I really had to fart. Not wanting to have to walk all the wall down the hall to the poopitorium or for my office to be all stinky, I pondered my dilemma. Then I saw the bellows. They work on a pretty simple theory actually. They suck wind in so they can blow wind out. I decided to see if they could suck my wind. I scootched back a bit from my desk and positioned them in my lap with the handles together. Then, as I gently pulled the handles apart, I began to fart. Woowie, it was huge but amazingly… no stink. The bellows sucked it all up. I had to fart again. Again the bellows ingested the hole emission with room to spare. Only one person walked in during this procedure but, understandably, they didn’t stay long. Ten minutes later it had consumed a third blast with nary a creak. I then sat the loaded vessel that contained my three farts on the desk, careful to put it on it’s side so that the handles wouldn’t compress. You might remember [Dave](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=3625872&highlight=dave#post3625872). He works across the hall from me and I tried to fart on his head a couple of months ago thinking he wouldn’t mind. He mentioned this morning that he had a dental appointment today and as he strolled into my office he looked in a bit of pain and pretty warm as well since his car’s AC is crap. As he wiped a bead of sweat off his brow I saw him eye my bellows, no doubt thinking they could grant him a nice, cooling breath of fresh air. I certainly had time to warn him. But I didn’t. Dave put the bellows loaded with my three farts right up to his face and pushed the handles inward with a hard squeeze. The funky air that had until late been in my butt blew in his face so hard I saw his hair rustle. I’d never had a fart part someone’s hair before. An awful expression came over his face and he screamed _“Bwoody hell, dat’s da stink of Deaf!”_ with the unparalyzed half of his mouth. Apparently the dentist had really worked him over and now he’s hit himself hard in the face with a rectal trifecta of someone else’s fresh anal blastings. He paused at my door, turned and gave me a very strange and twitching look and went back to his office so he could sit down. I heard Dave get back up about fifteen minutes ago and slowly move from office to office telling anyone that would listen with a slurring drawl that _"I just caught free farts wif my face.”_ Bob immediately began to cackle unmercifully. I didn’t hear any response from Janie and when I walked by later she was still just staring straight ahead. Nancy appeared to have her hands over her ears and was humming something, anything to make his voice go away. I’m back in my office now. I’d meant to take these bellows home with me tonite but I’ve thought better of it and decided that no, it needs to stay here with me for awhile. It’s usefulness reborn, nay reinvented, who am I to put them back on some dusty shelf. _Pariah… pariah and Dave calls my wind a pariah._ ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/2 "2003-11-18T22:14:53Z")
For whom the bel-lows? That wasn’t funny. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/3 "2003-11-18T22:26:04Z")
Heh. An Elmer Fudd-type character in one of Lieu’s fart tomes. You’re the best, baby! The BEST! ---
**Author:** ![VenusProbe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/e495f1/32.png) [@VenusProbe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VenusProbe)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/4 "2003-11-18T22:27:18Z")
**lieu** you make me proud to be a man! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/5 "2003-11-18T22:36:24Z")
Serves Dave right for making you shit yourself in our last episode. Ol’ Dave…staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, he was a pretty fart smeller. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/6 "2003-11-18T22:37:27Z")
Ah, another classic **lieu** dicrous tale! ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/7 "2003-11-18T22:38:04Z")
Delayed-action stand-off farts. Truly a work of art. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/8 "2003-11-18T22:39:38Z")
Oh, man, I was laughing for about five minutes. ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/9 "2003-11-18T23:10:31Z")
That was masterful! I am thoroughly impressed! ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/10 "2003-11-18T23:29:05Z")
My stomach hurts; I salute you, sir! ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/11 "2003-11-19T01:24:22Z")
You stand alone, lieu. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/12 "2003-11-19T01:41:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by medstar \* > \*\*You stand alone, lieu. \*\* . . . And it’s no wonder! I’ve missed you, **lieu**. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/13 "2003-11-19T02:05:35Z")
Damn… you take the friggin’ cake, man. Take it and eat it, digest it, and blast it out your butt!! ---
**Author:** ![rjk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/14 "2003-11-19T02:26:10Z")
Too bad he had the novocaine - you could have seen him grimace with both sides of his face. But then you wouldn’t have had the voice. ☹ I guess you can’t have everything. ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/15 "2003-11-19T07:07:25Z")
I am trying to imagine the look on his face. Realistically, I know this just isn’t possible, but I keep seeing that melting Nazi face from the end of **Raiders of the Lost Ark**. **lieu** , you make Dopin’ fun. [sub]And my ribs ache.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/16 "2003-11-19T08:21:11Z")
Hee hee. But don’t you mean “he _bellowed_ ‘Bwoody hell, dat’s da stink of Deaf’”? I have a feeling your bellows will be perfectly safe at work from prying eyes and noses. ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e79b87/32.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka1)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/17 "2003-11-19T12:10:26Z")
ow… ---
**Author:** ![Nangleator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e19adc/32.png) [@Nangleator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nangleator)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/18 "2003-11-19T13:43:05Z")
For God’s sake, lieu, don’t use that bellows for it’s intended purpose without remembering to empty it out first. Or better yet, simply relegate it to the career of fart sucker. Don’t risk blowing yourself up. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/19 "2003-11-19T14:01:47Z")
## Eve said, quote: ## Originally posted by medstar You stand alone, lieu. ## . . . And it’s no wonder! I’ve missed you, lieu. It’s a wonder Lieu can stand at all…what, with all that downward thrust he’s constantly battling.(pictures Lieu flying around the room like a balloon that’s been released before the knot has been tied…):eek: ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983/20 "2003-11-19T16:58:02Z")
I wasn’t really picturing Elmer Fudd, but more like a bloke wif a really heavy English accent (I’m not sure the region, but you know what I mean, right???). Excellent. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/till-death-us-do-fart/213983.md?page=2)