# Time for another bad joke thread. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 18, 2005, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135 "2005-12-18T04:18:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/21 "2005-12-19T23:13:27Z")
There was a whorehouse in town that catered to a widely varied clientele. One day, the doorbell rang and when the madame opened the door, there on the stoop was a man with no arms or legs. Thinking he was there to ask for charity, she said, “How can I help you, sir?” “I want two of your best and prettiest girls for the night!” he replied. The madame protested, “Sir, we are used to catering to the unusual, but honestly, do you think you’re capable of handling two women–after all, our girls _are_ pretty lusty! How do you think you can possibly satisfy them?” The man smiled smugly and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/22 "2005-12-19T23:22:04Z")
> [@boofuu](#): > > I _love_ elephant jokes! Among my favs… What’s gray and comes in quarts? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/23 "2005-12-19T23:57:45Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > So a guy goes to the doctor one day, and he says, “Doc, I think there’s something wrong with my leg…it talks all the time!” > > So the doctor bends down and listens to the guy’s leg, but he doesn’t hear anything. The guy says, “No, no, doc…you gotta use your stethoscope.” > > So the doctor places his stethescope on the guy’s thigh, and sure enough he hears a little voice saying, “Hey…do you have $200? $100 even? Please, I really need it!” > > The doctor looks up, shocked, and the guy says, “If you think that’s weird, listen to my shin!” > > So the doctor puts his stethoscope on the guy’s shin, and he hears another little voice saying, “Hey…you got $50? I’ll take $20 even…come on, man!” > > The doctor is even more shocked, and the guy says, “That’s not all…listen to my ankle!” > > So the doctor does the same, and hears a voice coming from the guy’s ankle that says, “I really need 25 cents! Do you have just 10 cents maybe? Please help me out!” > > The doctor sits back, and the guy says, “So what do you think the problem is?” > > The doctor replies, “Looks like your leg’s broke in three places.” At least he didn’t have a bum knee. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/24 "2005-12-20T00:01:59Z")
> [@Biffy the Elephant Shrew](#): > > What’s gray and comes in quarts? Q: What’s white and streaks across the sky? A: the Cumming of the Lord! ---
**Author:** ![Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bren_Cameron_1)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/25 "2005-12-20T00:22:28Z")
> [@Art Vandelay](#): > > And because _somebody_ has to - > > What do you call a man with no arms & no legs that - > -you stick in a pot of water? Stew! > -lies on your front porch beneath the door? Matt! > -you hang on a wall? Art! > -floats in a lake? Bob! > -you use to plug up a ditch? Phil! You missed one of my favorites. A man with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves. Russel. Oh, and in your mailbox–Bill. And– Under your car–Jack. ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/26 "2005-12-20T00:35:13Z")
What do you do when your maxipad is on fire? Throw it on the floor and tampon it. How does a menstruating mamma vampire call her children in for supper? “Soup’s on!” What’s green and red and goes 90 miles an hour? A frog in a blender. What’s green and red and brown and goes 90 miles an hour? Same frog 3 hours later. What’s the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork. ---
**Author:** ![Frostillicus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Frostillicus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frostillicus)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/27 "2005-12-20T03:27:24Z")
Q: If you’re an American when you walk into the bathroom, and you’re an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom? A: European 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/28 "2005-12-20T04:01:06Z")
Staying with the elephant theme: What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/29 "2005-12-20T07:19:29Z")
Why should you stay out of the forrest between 3 and 5 PM? Because elephants are jumping out of trees. Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of trees Why are pgymies so short? They went into the forrest between 3-5PM ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/30 "2005-12-20T13:01:08Z")
> [@Bren\_Cameron](#): > > You missed one of my favorites. > > A man with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves. > > Russel. > > Oh, and in your mailbox–Bill. And– > Under your car–Jack. The two guys hanging in front of your window? – Curt n’ Rod Bottom of a ditch? – Doug Lying on top of him? – Phil Rolling around on your BBQ? – Frank His sister? – Patty That you sing to? – Mike I could be here all night! Try the veal! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/31 "2005-12-20T14:21:11Z")
What’s the pirate’s wife named? Arrrlene. What’s the pirate’s sister named? Marrrrrry. What’s the pirate’s daughter names? Peggy. Where do Eileen (the one legged woman) and Irene (the one legged Chinese woman) work? IHOP. I loves me some serial jokes. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/32 "2005-12-20T15:38:16Z")
What’s red and goes ding dong? A red ding dong. What’s blue and goes ding dong? A blue ding dong. What’s green and goes ding dong?Nothing. Ding dongs only come in red and blue. ---
**Author:** ![sciguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/33 "2005-12-20T22:05:46Z")
> [@Marlitharn](#): > > What’s the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? > You can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork. Uh-oh…you’ve got me started… I’ll do this with spoiler boxes, feel free to stop when you hit your limit… What’s more disgusting than a truckload of dead babies? There’s a live one at the bottom. And what’s more disgusting than that? He’s eating his way out And what’s more disgusting than that? Once he gets out, he stays until he’s full. And what’s even more disgusting than that? When he leaves he takes a doggy bag. What pink and red, and sits in a corner getting shorter and shorter? a baby combing his hair with a vegetable peeler. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/34 "2005-12-20T23:21:47Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > What do you name a dog with no legs and steel testicles? > Sparky. What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing. He’s not coming to you anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/35 "2005-12-20T23:35:16Z")
Wow, **sciguy** … :shamefullylaughinginhorror: ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/36 "2005-12-20T23:53:13Z")
What’s black and white and red and can’t turn around in a hallway? A nun with a spear through her head. ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2005, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/37 "2005-12-21T00:36:46Z")
> [@Frostillicus](#): > > Q: What’s brown and sticky? > > A: A stick! 😃 For some reason this had me **ROLLING!** 😃 Courtesy of my (at the time) 5 year old daughter: Q: What’s invisible and smells like worms? A: A bird fart! She’s gonna go far, that one. ---
**Author:** ![MisterThyristor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecccb3/32.png) [@MisterThyristor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MisterThyristor)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2005, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/38 "2005-12-21T02:06:49Z")
A drunk stumbles into the bar and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender says, “Down the hall and turn left”. The guy goes down the hall and turns right. A few minutes later, the bartender hears this horrifying scream. And then, ten seconds later, another. He walks down the hallway and yells, “What’s going on back here??” The drunk yells out, “Every time I go to flush the toilet, something grabs me by the balls!!!” The bartender says: You idiot, you’re in the broom closet, sitting in the mop bucket!! ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2005, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/39 "2005-12-21T02:23:28Z")
I get PMS _really_ bad; my husband got tired of never knowing what kind of mood to expect from me when he came home, so he bought me a mood ring. It helps a lot. When I’m in a good mood, it turn blue. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin’ red mark on his forehead. ---
**Author:** ![Frostillicus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Frostillicus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frostillicus)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2005, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135/40 "2005-12-21T03:44:33Z")
> [@Broken Wind](#): > > For some reason this had me **ROLLING!** 😃 > > Courtesy of my (at the time) 5 year old daughter: > > Q: What’s invisible and smells like worms? > A: A bird fart! > > She’s gonna go far, that one. You’ll love the sequel then! Q: What do you call a boomerrang that doesn’t come back? A: A stick! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-for-another-bad-joke-thread/336135.md?page=3)