# Time to make your New Year's resolution, Middle-earth style **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 11, 2008, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907 "2008-03-11T00:27:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/1 "2008-03-11T00:27:13Z")
Ah, I know what you’re thinking: “Skald, you fool, we’re a week into March! 2008 is forty days old! It’s way too late for New Year’s Resolutions! You’ve gone mad again!” To which I reply: **Pfftth**. I’m not talking about the **Gregorian** calendar. I’m talking about the calendar of the _Reunited Kingdom_, set down by Strider/Aragorn/Elessar/Thorongil, heir of Isildur, leader of the Eight Walkers, Lord of Minas Tirth. After his victory of ole Sauron/Gorthaur/Annatar (hey, anybody in his story have just the one name?), he started a new time-keeping system in which the year begins on March 25–two short weeks from tomorrow. All of which brings us back to the thread topic. What are you Tolkienesque New Year’s resolutions? Mine is simple: If anyone suggests that I lead an army of Numernorians in assault on a nation of demigods, I will politely say “No” and then chop the suggester’s head off. Anybody else? ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/2 "2008-03-11T01:09:11Z")
I will not attempt single combat with a Balrog. I will speed up my production of Hobbit swords for all the Hobbit size kids attending my sons Birthday party. I plan to make around 32 closed cell foam\* swords for them to have a pirate melee. Jim - Pool Noodles are my stock, Google it if you don’t know what a pool noodle is. They are made from closed cell foam and I have gone nuts the last 2 days trying to find a supply of these things or sheets of closed cell foam to make the swords. ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/3 "2008-03-11T06:11:27Z")
If we suspects that a filthy Hobbits has The Precious in its pocketses, we strangles it like an Orcs baby, rifles through its clothing and _takes it_! Yes, we does. ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/4 "2008-03-11T08:35:15Z")
I will try to eat less second breakfast and only half at elevenses. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/5 "2008-03-11T12:29:29Z")
I resolve to stop dropping rocks down wells. I resolve to not look into any crystal balls I retrieve from the water. The last time I did either of these things, I regretted it. ---
**Author:** ![Cheez\_Whia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cheez\_Whia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheez_Whia)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/6 "2008-03-11T12:35:57Z")
Ah, Spring! Time to rake up the mallorn leaves and spruce up the flet! I resolve to be more assiduous in practicing shooting loud-breathing dwarves in the dark. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/7 "2008-03-11T12:59:55Z")
[QUOTE=Hypno-Toad] I resolve to stop dropping rocks down wells. I resolve to not look into any crystal balls I retrieve from the water. The last time I did either of these things, I regretted it. [/QUOTE] In your defense, the look in the Palantir might have helped. It left Sauron unbalanced and worried. He launched his attack sooner than he was prepared and before it was completely ready. Your grave mistake probably helped win the war to some small degree. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/8 "2008-03-11T13:29:04Z")
Resolved, I will have hot sex with an Elf babe. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/9 "2008-03-11T13:50:20Z")
I resolve that, when I have numberless armies at my command and a world-conquering weapon with only one place where it can be destroyed, I’ll post at least, oh, a couple dozen of the horde on guard at the site. Plus I might even use a few to patrol the interior of my domain. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/10 "2008-03-11T14:09:26Z")
I’m making it my resolution to get more women into this story! Do you s’pose ‘Driel and Goldberry would be interested in a women’s book club, or somethin’? We seriously need to raise awareness of the female POV around here! Oh, don’t tell Arwen, 'kay? Bitch been moody lately - all mooning over some rangy dude. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/11 "2008-03-11T16:47:07Z")
[QUOTE=Zebra] Resolved, I will have hot sex with an Elf babe. [/QUOTE] Somehow I have difficulty imagining Arwen Undomiel getting hot & nasty. Better go with the wild shieldmaiden of the north. Or even Farmer Cotton’s daughter, if you can resolve the size issues. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/12 "2008-03-11T18:53:29Z")
Elves live in trees. Trees have swings. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/13 "2008-03-11T19:15:11Z")
Man, I’ve got to, y’know, lay off the pipeweed. My love of the Halfling’s leaf has clearly slowed my mind. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/14 "2008-03-11T19:19:19Z")
I’m going to crack down more on illegal immigration. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/15 "2008-03-11T21:09:56Z")
I’m going to try, just try, to maintain some semblance of humility, given how totally awesome I am. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/16 "2008-03-11T21:27:10Z")
Have to remember to get back to the valley, to listen and and hark 'till the end of the dark to some tunes. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/17 "2008-03-11T21:49:47Z")
Plant an Ent, and tell those Led Zeppelin kids to get off my lawn. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/18 "2008-03-11T22:26:29Z")
[QUOTE=Elendil’s Heir] I’m going to try, just try, to maintain some semblance of humility, given how totally awesome I am. [/QUOTE] Shouldn’t your resolution be to listen to Half-Elves when they say, “Give up the pretty jewelry, Dunedan! It’s not worth it!” ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/19 "2008-03-11T23:12:14Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Shouldn’t your resolution be to listen to Half-Elves when they say, “Give up the pretty jewelry, Dunedan! It’s not worth it!” [/QUOTE] He’s not \*\*That \*\* Heir. Aragorn was also called Elendil’s Heir. In fact I have no recollection of Isildur being called Elendil’s Heir. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2008, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907/20 "2008-03-11T23:25:54Z")
[QUOTE=What Exit?] He’s not \*\*That \*\* Heir. Aragorn was also called Elendil’s Heir. In fact I have no recollection of Isildur being called Elendil’s Heir. [/QUOTE] True, but he WAS Isildur’s heir. The fact that nobody calls my nephew “Skald’s Heir” doesn’t change that he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance policy. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/time-to-make-your-new-years-resolution-middle-earth-style/440907.md?page=2)