# Tired of Jesus? Try My Cock! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 4, 2001, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815 "2001-04-04T19:14:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/1 "2001-04-04T19:14:19Z")
Yeah, yeah, I’m cock-obsessed, but that’s not news. 😃 Leave it to [The Onion](http://www.theonion.com/onion3712/healing_light.html) to give me a new spiritual direction in life. Hallelujah! Can I get an amen? Gives whole new meanings to the phrase “speaking in tongues…” 😉 And I think even God knows there are some fundamentalists who would do well with some Cock in their lives! Esprix [Article deleted. Link kept – Alpha] [Edited by Alphagene on 04-04-2001 at 03:48 PM] ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/2 "2001-04-04T19:34:30Z")
Amen!! > [@](#): > > And I think even God knows there are some fundamentalists who would do well with some Cock in their lives! Bwhahaha!!! 😃 You have such a way with words, **Esprix**. ---
**Author:** ![Heloise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e36b37/32.png) [@Heloise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heloise)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/3 "2001-04-04T19:39:57Z")
Hmmmm, I don’t know about the little children part, but otherwise, hey, if it’s your thang… ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/4 "2001-04-04T19:52:51Z")
“Kneel before The Lord!” ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/5 "2001-04-04T20:23:21Z")
Nobody _ever_ wants to try my cock. I guess they’re all perfectly content with Jesus’. (I’m going to hell with this post) ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/6 "2001-04-04T20:57:48Z")
**Sofa King** ’s remark reminds me of a picture someone sent me of a church sign with the following on it: **The Most Powerful Position Is On Your Knees** It’s even funnier now. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/7 "2001-04-04T21:27:57Z")
Uh, sorry, **Alpha** - I thought quoting a couple paragraphs was okay. Esprix ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/8 "2001-04-04T22:19:29Z")
You can make fun of Jesus all you want, but don’t piss off a moderator! ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/9 "2001-04-04T22:33:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\*Uh, sorry, **Alpha** - I thought quoting a couple paragraphs was okay. > > Esprix \*\* I assume it was a slip of your copy-paste finger, Es, but I’m pretty certain you quoted the entire article. At least I thought so too, after reading your post and then checking the link. ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/10 "2001-04-04T23:24:08Z")
Nah, I’m hardly pissed… Sorry, 'sprix. Again, nothing personal. I appreciate the link to the article, but your OP quoted close to half of the article. From the Onion’s [masthead](http://www.theonion.com/info/masthead.html): > [@](#): > > The content of this web-site–graphics, text and other elements–is © Copyright 2001 by Onion, Inc., and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole **or in part** without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Emphasis mine. Besides, the link by itself suits the intent of your OP just fine, IMO anyway. Again, nothing personal, bud. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/11 "2001-04-04T23:56:34Z")
“The church says we should get down on our knees and repent! Well, excuse me, but didn’t being on my knees **cause** most of my sins?” -Bob Smith ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/12 "2001-04-05T00:07:41Z")
You gentlemen are obviously not familiar with the Post-Gay Movement, in which one is supposed to have a relationship with the Whole Man, not just genitalia. However, it would put an entirely new meaning to that staple of church bulletins: Prelude before worship…Organ solo ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/13 "2001-04-05T01:43:24Z")
\*\*SPOOFE Bo Diddly wrote: Nobody ever wants to try my cock. I guess they’re all perfectly content with Jesus’.\*\* Tell you what, **SPOOFE** , I’ll be happy to do a comparision between yours and Jesus’s cock! ---
**Author:** ![beergeek279](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ea924/32.png) [@beergeek279](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beergeek279)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/14 "2001-04-05T03:30:21Z")
Is this Lowell guy a Catholic priest by chance??? 😉 (following SPOOFE to hell with that comment) ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/15 "2001-04-05T06:23:44Z")
> [@](#): > > Tell you what, SPOOFE, I’ll be happy to do a comparision between yours and Jesus’s cock! You’ll have to get his away from that Magdalene chick first. (Oh, man, I’m REALLY in for it now…) ---
**Author:** ![Commander\_Fortune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Commander\_Fortune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commander_Fortune)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/16 "2001-04-05T06:27:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Heloise \* > \*\*Hmmmm, I don’t know about the little children part, but otherwise, hey, if it’s your thang… \*\* [Precedent?](http://wtf.rotten.com/wtf/wtf.01/jesus-boy.html) ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/17 "2001-04-05T07:23:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Polycarp \* > **You gentlemen are obviously not familiar with the Post-Gay Movement, in which one is supposed to have a relationship with the Whole Man, not just genitalia.** I wasn’t aware that the Canonical Gay Movement required the detachment of naughty bits before servicing them… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/18 "2001-04-05T07:41:12Z")
This is somewhat reminiscent of an earlier Onion article: [Man Has Amazing Ass](http://www.theonion.com/onion3212/amazingass.html) This one is about a town that lives in awe of a man’s amazing ass. I swear that the writers must get the pictures first then write the story, there is no other explanation for why the pictures fit so well. Both stories fit their respective pictures perfectly. Just one look at the healing cock guy and you know that is what he is thinking. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/19 "2001-04-05T11:13:02Z")
Aw Esprix, i was going to post a link to this article to the SDMB too… it’s an Onion classic for sure. Damn, i love The Onion. Come, come bathe!\* \*[sup]even though i don’t technically have a cock[/sup] ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815/20 "2001-04-05T15:34:19Z")
\*\*SPOOFE Bo Diddly wrote: You’ll have to get his away from that Magdalene chick first.\*\* Naaaw… I’m sure He swings both ways. I mean, you hear about all of these “personal relationships” He gets involved in, with men **AND** women. Take **FriendofGod** for instance; he keeps going on and on about how much Jesus loves him and how he loves Jesus. 'Sides, longhaired, bearded guys are a favorite of mine. Tell you what, I’ll do a taste-test on you then try to dig up this Jesus fellow and do a follow up and let you know. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-jesus-try-my-cock/60815.md?page=2)