# Tired of not getting good sex **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 27, 2012, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453 "2012-06-27T13:32:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/21 "2012-06-28T13:59:03Z")
Do you have a regular date night? If so, take turns planning what happens on date night, including what goes on in the bedroom. On his night he gets to plan the sex and you do what he wants, on your night you get to plan and he has to do what you want. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/22 "2012-06-28T15:28:11Z")
Do you ever try in the morning? One stereotype that I’ve found is somewhat true is that men want sex in the morning; women want it at night. You may be able to get him more enthusiastic at a different time. And I’m sorry he won’t go down on you. But I have no advice. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/23 "2012-06-28T15:41:05Z")
Since you’re looking for advice, I’ll move this to our advice-giving forum, IMHO. **twickstwer** , MPSIMS moderator ---
**Author:** ![honda1268](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df705f/32.png) [@honda1268](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/honda1268)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/24 "2012-06-28T15:41:16Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > When I read your post I knew the answer to the problem is not sexual, just the bad sex is a result of a breakdown in other areas in your marital life. > > This was a defensive response designed to deflect one from looking there, which indicated to me it is a good place to start to look. > > This part in particular: > > Is telling - victim mentality > As well as: > > Judgmental and keeping track > > Both are very bad for a relationship, and since these 2 came out so easily they are on your mind and will be effecting your togetherness and love life. In particular feeling judged and keeping track is a killer of sexual attraction. > > I can not state this enough, keeping track or score is a killer of sexual attraction. > > In my own belief you should not try to change anyone else (as that is doomed to fail), but you can change yourself - and by changing yourself you can always change and solve the problems in life you have been experiencing. In short your ability to get great sex is solely in your control, not his. > > You have to accept that he is where he is in his life and you need to improve yourself and your circumstances so you don’t feel the way expressed, now how you go about doing this depends a lot on you and your talents and desires. But try different things and see what works for you, it’s in your hands, not his. Actually I love cleaning and taking care of my home and family. I don’t want him to do those things. I love taking take of him. I have never refused having sex. I have always tried to give him what he needs sexually and/or emotionally. On the other side of things. I have been rejected. I have been the one that is call silly for wanting to try new things, I am the one who hide my tears after faking an orgasm for him and realizing that it will be like this forever. It’s not just not having the orgasm, it’s only having a few moments to be intimate with him. I’m thinking that will be the closest at i will get to him anymore. I do feel that he is the one that has changed. He use to cuddle, he use to want to do foreplay and at least talk to me in a loving manner. Now its “I have an itch that I need scratched.” That not all. He doesn’t want to go anywhere, do anything that i might enjoy. I love to walk. I love to fish, camp, bowl, play games, hike, golf, dance, socialize. He does none of that. He comes home eats, sits in his chair and falls a sleep with out a conversation. I am willing to work hard at him. After 24 years I have too much invested in this. But really how hard to you have to work in order to get payment?! And I do disagree with your last statement. Great sex for him is in my control. He thinks he gets that. Great sex for me is in his. A great marriage takes 2. I should know I use to have one. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/25 "2012-06-28T15:43:26Z")
one reason good for morning is that men can have higher testosterone levels in the morning, more important in middle age and older. also the physical and mental fatigue of the day hasn’t dropped a guy’s energy yet. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/26 "2012-06-28T15:46:30Z")
Get him to stop whacking off to porn. He’s so tapped out doing that, his sex drive in real life is down. Everyone will evaluate your marriage, but chances are he is either in bad shape and not getting enough man juices flowing to want to jump you, or his main juices are flowing, but he is being satiated by something else, like the computer. ---
**Author:** ![Jman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jman/32/4416_2.png) [@Jman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jman)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/27 "2012-06-28T15:52:00Z")
I don’t think this is a porn issue. This is a him issue. It sounds like he is just no longer interested in, well, anything. It could it be he’s just lost total interest in you, which is sad, and may mean your marriage is really in trouble. It’s also possible he’s got some medical condition that is making him utterly lazy. There are some hormonal and glandular and blood conditions that can cause this sort of lethargy. But, I think that couples counseling is in order for sure. And, if he doesn’t care enough to go through with that in order to help, and if he doesn’t care that it’s tearing you up, then it might be time to separate. ---
**Author:** ![listedmia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e0b2c6/32.png) [@listedmia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/listedmia)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/28 "2012-06-28T16:43:17Z")
Have you adequately explained to him that you’re not satisfied? If you’re faking orgasms he may not be aware. He might think that you’re totally fine with the sex you’re getting and you’re just upset about some other random silly thing. In my experience, just saying “Mmmm, babe, I really want to cum for you and I’m soooo close, can you please go down on me/finger me/watch me masturbate/whatever for a minute?” works wonders. On the other hand, if he’s losing interests in lots of other things, counselling would probably be a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/29 "2012-06-28T16:49:52Z")
> [@honda1268](#): > > I have been married for 24 years. My husband and I use to have great sex. Now Well… He has refused to go down on me and His fingers have stopped working! It’s quick and to the point. I have tried many things; lotions, candy, ect. I am a very clean person. He just doesn’t want to do it! Help I need more than just 3-5 mins then “was that good for you?” or “man… you worn me out”. Really?! I have talked to him but it’s getting worst. You say he refuses to perform oral sex now. Did he use to do it? When you talked to him, did you ask about why he stopped? If so, what was his answer? ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/30 "2012-06-28T16:49:56Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > Nah. Her complaint is that the man has basically cut out the foreplay. Unless he’s had a spinal injury, it’s unlikely to be medical. More likely, he needs some schooling on making love [Sean Connery]the Chicago way[/Sean Connery]. Disagree unless you consider any possible mental illnesses to be Not medical. He quit doing something he once did, this is a sign that something is wrong not that he just got lazy. It could be that he quit caring about her but even that it is worth knowing that is Just what is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/31 "2012-06-28T16:52:48Z")
> [@Lanzy](#): > > He quit doing something he once did, this is a sign that something is wrong not that he just got lazy. It could be that he quit caring about her but even that it is worth knowing that is Just what is wrong. Maybe he never enjoyed it in the first place, and now that the relationship’s older he doesn’t feel the need to continue. Isn’t that the number one reason why women stop giving BJ’s? Sounds like from the OP, the real issue isn’t sex, but general emotional intimacy with her partner. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/32 "2012-06-28T16:55:37Z")
+1 for the couples counselling. If he doesn’t want to go, and is not interested in changing, then it might be time for you to think about being happier on your own. ---
**Author:** ![heathen\_earthling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@heathen\_earthling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heathen_earthling)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/33 "2012-06-28T17:07:53Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > You say he refuses to perform oral sex now. Did he use to do it? > > When you talked to him, did you ask about why he stopped? If so, what was his answer? I am not **honda1268** ’s husband, but I stopped performing oral sex when I became better educated about the disease risks. Apparently you can give your partner herpes from oral sex if you’ve ever had a cold sore, even if you don’t currently have any visible sores on your mouth! Not a risk I’m willing to take, even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/34 "2012-06-28T17:21:52Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > I am not **honda1268** ’s husband, but I stopped performing oral sex when I became better educated about the disease risks. Apparently you can give your partner herpes from oral sex if you’ve ever had a cold sore, even if you don’t currently have any visible sores on your mouth! Not a risk I’m willing to take, even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times. ☹ So I guess if you had genital herpes, you would never have sex again? ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/35 "2012-06-28T17:23:54Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > I am not **honda1268** ’s husband, but I stopped performing oral sex when I became better educated about the disease risks. Apparently you can give your partner herpes from oral sex if you’ve ever had a cold sore, even if you don’t currently have any visible sores on your mouth! Not a risk I’m willing to take, even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times. ☹ Cite? This page disagrees with you. [Yahoo Search - Web Search](http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080120154933AAvLkbL) ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/36 "2012-06-28T17:33:42Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times. ☹ _Honey, no matter how much you beg, I’m not going down on you for your own sake._ :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![heathen\_earthling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@heathen\_earthling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heathen_earthling)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/37 "2012-06-28T17:34:09Z")
> [@Rick](#): > > Cite? > This page disagrees with you. [Yahoo Search - Web Search](http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080120154933AAvLkbL) No it doesn’t. From the top answer: > [@](#): > > Yes, you can get genital herpes from having oral sex from someone who has the cold sore virus. > [@](#): > > Oral hsv-1 - the virus that causes cold sores - is the most infectious form of herpes. It is infectious about 18% of the time in total - about 10% of the time when you have no symptoms. > [@](#): > > I caught genital herpes seven years into my relationship with my boyfriend. We were aware of the possibility of him spreading it to me, so he didn’t give me oral sex very often and he was scrupulously careful to avoid giving it me when he had any symptom he thought might indicate the virus was active - a tingle on his lip etc. He did not have a cold sore at the time he transmitted it to me, and hadn’t for months. I’m the guy with the virus in my lips, my girlfriend is the one who has never had either form of herpes. I’d like to keep it that way. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/38 "2012-06-28T17:35:42Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > I’m the guy with the virus in my lips, my girlfriend is the one who has never had either form of herpes. I’d like to keep it that way. So you don’t kiss her either? ---
**Author:** ![heathen\_earthling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@heathen\_earthling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heathen_earthling)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/39 "2012-06-28T17:37:40Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > So you don’t kiss her either? I do, but to be honest I often do feel paranoid and unpleasant about it. I prefer kissing on the neck/cheek/forehead. Being a walking biohazard sucks. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453/40 "2012-06-28T17:39:09Z")
No, becaue then she couldn’t go down on him. 😉 (Sorry, mostly teasing but just couldn’t help it!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tired-of-not-getting-good-sex/626453.md?page=3)