# To Apologize or Not to Apologize **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 6, 2012, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110 "2012-11-06T17:56:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/21 "2012-11-06T21:44:23Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Cynic that I am, I suspect she will read any such message as an attempt to get in her pants. Let it go, move on and wish her well. Having been on the receiving end of this type of lame-O after the fact apology, yep. Frankly, I think you’re over estimating your importance in this woman’s life - I’m guessing at this point you’re just some asshole that she used to date - if you insist on doing this, which is 100% designed to make you feel better, and 0% designed to make her feel better, you’ll become the asshole she used to date who’s pestering her again. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/22 "2012-11-06T21:46:06Z")
I was done wrong by someone close to me, and they haven’t said they’re sorry. I’d like to hear it, it would help. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/23 "2012-11-06T21:55:50Z")
> [@Scotty Mo](#): > > I just feel like she deserves it and I’d like to get it off my chest. But then I think she probably doesn’t want to hear from me anyways. I’d like to know what the chances are of the two of you ever coming into contact. If you never see this person, and likely never will again, then I suggest you leave her alone to live out her life. It sounds to me like you need to _forgive yourself_. You’re only human; we sometimes do pretty shitty things to each other. But we are sorta resilient, too. We get hurt, and heal, and grow, and move on with our lives, even after having shitty things done to us by people we trust. What makes you believe she hasn’t done so? If you do indeed come into contact with this person, or believe it to be likely, then by all means make your apology. **Face to face**. It _has to be_ face to face, otherwise it is pretty hollow, IMO. Make it short and sincere, a la “I’m sorry for the way I treated you back then. I was a total dick.” Anything more seems a bit too emotionally charged, to me, and unnecessary. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/24 "2012-11-06T21:58:50Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Having been on the receiving end of this type of lame-O after the fact apology, yep. > > Frankly, I think you’re over estimating your importance in this woman’s life - I’m guessing at this point you’re just some asshole that she used to date - if you insist on doing this, which is 100% designed to make you feel better, and 0% designed to make her feel better, you’ll become the asshole she used to date who’s pestering her again. While I think apologies are usually a good thing (even better is not being an asshole in the first place, but that ship has sailed), I wonder about this, too. What do you hope to accomplish with this apology? I think you need to be really careful here that you don’t in the slightest way make her life worse with your intrusion into it again. ---
**Author:** ![RockytheflyingS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a9adbd/32.png) [@RockytheflyingS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RockytheflyingS)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/25 "2012-11-06T22:06:04Z")
Do you want to get back with her? If she has/had feelings for you, she might take it as you trying to get back with her. If you don’t, just add a line saying you want to be her friend. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/26 "2012-11-06T22:06:17Z")
Send it with the changes suggested by the others. Do it for you. If you have her physical address, I suggest snail-mailing it with no return address. I did this with my ex husband whom I divorced over 30 years ago. I wanted to apologize, but didn’t want acknowledgement or forgiveness, because I don’t deserve forgiveness. I did it for me. ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/27 "2012-11-06T22:12:39Z")
Don’t use swear words in electronic messages. Not a good idea. But honestly I think the third sentence is good. It will show her that you have opened up yourself and in an apology, you’re supposed to tell the full truth. So in my opinion, keep the, “I guess,” sentence as it explains why you did what you did. But then you explain why doing so was still wrong. That’s a stronger apology than if the, “I guess,” sentence wasn’t there. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/28 "2012-11-06T22:32:42Z")
Nm ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/29 "2012-11-06T22:48:50Z")
> [@Scotty Mo](#): > > That is the question. > > So I’ve been thinking about this girl I used to see a couple years ago and how bad I used to treat her. I never hit her or did anything particularly malicious. I was just really mean and called her a bunch of names and probably embarrassed her a couple times. I feel really bad about the whole situation now and I’m thinking about sending her a text to apologize. > > It would go something like this: > > “Hey Jane. Sometimes I think about you and I feel really bad about how I treated you. I said and did a lot of fucked up shit and you didn’t really deserve it. I guess I just really liked you and when it didn’t work out I got real angry and stupid. I know I can’t take it back but I just want you to know I’m really sorry.” > > I’m just not sure if I should do it. I know theres no hope for reconciliation and it’s not like it really makes up for anything. I just feel like she deserves it and I’d like to get it off my chest. But then I think she probably doesn’t want to hear from me anyways. > > So I’m conflicted. And I’d like a little insight and feedback. Thoughts on if I should say something or not? Even, if theres a better way to put it? You absolutely should do it. I’ve been on the receiving end, and giving end, of that kind of thing, and it absolutely helps, somehow. It really does. Just do it. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/30 "2012-11-06T22:53:30Z")
I lean pretty strongly toward not sending it. Almost everyone has relationships in their past where the other party was a jerk to them at one point or another, that’s just part of the learning curve of romance. Revisiting those issues, even to apologize, may simply rekindle the negative feelings from a time in her life that she’s already moved on from. If you ever end up talking for some other reason, e.g. high school reunion, you can feel free to say you were sorry you guys dated when you were still kind of an a-hole and that you still feel bad about some of the mean things you said, but I wouldn’t initiate contact just to say that. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/31 "2012-11-06T23:00:08Z")
I had an ex-boyfriend once apologize to me completely out of the blue. We’d dated casually for a few weeks, but he just wasn’t over his ex-girlfriend, who’d he’d dated for several years and had recently broken his heart. I completely understood where he was coming from, and I left with absolutely no hard feelings. In fact, I appreciated his candor because he could have just strung me along had he felt like it. So, I moved on with my life. A year goes by and we meet at a party. He’s stag and I’m with my new boyfriend (and future husband). We say hello and hug, then I go back to be with my boyfriend. I lost track of him after that until he and another guy started getting into a fistfight. He was completely drunk and beligerent, which was completely unlike him. The host kicked him out. The next day, the same group of people go to a football game. As we’re walking to our cars, my ex tells my boyfriend that he desperately needs to talk to me. Then he pulls me behind a concrete pillar and starts spewing off the most heartfelt apology – at one point almost crying. And I was completely confused because I didn’t know why he was so emotional about being drunk. So I assured him that it was okay and said something like, “Well, you’re the one with the hangover, so I guess you paid the price.” When he realized that I thought he was apologizing for being a drunken idiot, he corrected me: “I’m not apologizing for being drunk last night. I’m apologizing for the way I treated you back then. I was an idiot. I didn’t realize what I had. I should have never broken up with you. I love you.” Huh? Then he leaned over and tried to kiss me, with my boyfriend less than 30 feet away! And all became clear. He wasn’t apologizing for any other reason than because he wanted me back. And I have to admit that I wasn’t all that impressed, mainly because it was so desperate and so disrespectful to my current boyfriend. Anyway, my vote is to keep your apology to yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/32 "2012-11-06T23:14:31Z")
Adults can apologize without an agenda. Show her what being an adult looks like; she might be unfamiliar with it. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/33 "2012-11-07T00:06:08Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > Adults can apologize without an agenda. Show her what being an adult looks like; she might be unfamiliar with it. Name one instance where someone would apologize without an agenda of some sort. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/34 "2012-11-07T00:08:34Z")
Are you my ex? If so, this is what I want to hear: Dear XYZ, I want to apologize for acting like an ass between 20XX and 20XY. I don’t need to give you a rundown of my personal issues, but needless to say I was managing them poorly and unfortunately one way I did that was to act like a dick to you. You are a decent girl, and you in no way deserve that treatment. I do have good memories of our time together, and reflecting on that time has taught me some hard but much needed lessons about respect. Thank you for putting up with me and not punching me in the face, and I wish you all of the best on your new adventures. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/35 "2012-11-07T00:22:26Z")
I attempted to apologize to two people I felt I’d treated badly years before. One whom I had briefly dated and the other a (platonic) male friend and temporary roommate. Both of them more or less brushed it off, saying that it happened so long ago it was silly to mention or that they couldn’t even remember much that happened back then (respectively). It wasn’t quite the response I’d anticipated (nor hoped for, to be honest). In my mind, I’d been a real asshole for no good reason and needed to make amends because it haunted me. In their minds… evidently it wasn’t in their minds at all until I brought it up. So I guess if you do send it, be prepared for it to possibly not go the way you imagine it will. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/36 "2012-11-07T00:35:49Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Name one instance where someone would apologize without an agenda of some sort. I’ve twice had people apologize, years later, for acting like jerks. And that was the point they went from jerks to real men, in my opinion. The only agenda is they felt like crap, and wanted my forgiveness. They got it, we all felt better. And I’ve done the same thing, for the same reasons. No one involved in any of these cases was the least bit religious, either. It’s just an adult thing to admit when you fucked up, even if it’s years later. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/37 "2012-11-07T00:48:22Z")
I say send it as long as you have NO expectations of a reply. She may have moved on or she may rue your assholeness every day. Either way, an apology is only right. She deserves to hear that from you then you can both let it go. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/38 "2012-11-07T01:13:14Z")
Lot of good advice here. I really appreciate it! After reading these responses though I’m actually a little more undecided. It seems like some people say that it’s a wonderful idea, and others think it’s downright stupid. I think theres legitimate points to both sides too. I want to but it just feels cheap. I’m also worried that she’ll think I’m just trying to rekindle an old flame or something. (I’m not) I doubt she’ll respond too. I doubt I’ll ever see her again so a face-to-face apology just isn’t happening. I don’t know her email or address so thats not gonna work. A text is my only option, outside of calling her, but I think that would just be a bad idea. Just so you all know she was a really nice girl. She never really said or did anything intentionally mean to me. However, she did make out with my friend right in front of me when we were dating which sort of lead to all the drama and me being stupid. I guess I’m hesitating because I’d like to hear “I’m sorry too” but I don’t think I’ll get it. Thats not the only reason for the message though. I really do want to sincerely apologize, but I’d like some acknowledgement that she did wrong too. Also, the relationship dragged on for so long and was not fun at all. It was so overdramatic and I feel like it’s just going to start up the same old sob story. Still, last time I saw her was around last year. We sort of ran into each other randomly in the city one night and she actually gave me and my buddy a ride home. It went well from what I remember but all I really said to her was “I’m over all that from before.” and she said “yeah I am too.” At the end of the day though I did say a lot of nasty things and publicly embarrassed her more than once. I really do feel horrible cause I liked her a lot, and I probably still got a little love for her. Theres a lot of details too that are missing from this story. I think I’ll probably do it eventually, though. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/39 "2012-11-07T01:27:52Z")
With new information, don’t do it. Leave it alone. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2012, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110/40 "2012-11-07T02:30:12Z")
‘Leave it alone’, is sage advice. You’re doing this entirely for you, she doesn’t want it, need it, expect it. This is about your ego wanting to know she still feels ‘some love’ and ‘is sorry’ too! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize/640110.md?page=3)