# To-Day I Keyed Someone's Car **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 6, 2003, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528 "2003-03-06T17:29:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Fnoonf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f6c823/32.png) [@Fnoonf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fnoonf)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/21 "2003-03-06T22:23:10Z")
Alright then. Since this thread is inspiring a great deal more vehemence than I expected, here’s the completely factual, non-hyperbolic, non-embellished version of it, minus all pompous, over-the-top, prancing rhetoric. Something urgent came up last night, and I had to leave my house very fast. I came downstairs to find my car hemmed in on both sides. I was completely unable to move it. One of the two cars hemming me in I recognized to be my neighbor’s car. Said neighbor and I have a history, which I will not go into here in detail as it does not pertain to the original post and wasn’t one of my reasons for starting the thread. Suffice it to say that wasn’t the first, fifth or even tenth time he’s done that. So I’m standing there slowly growing angrier, walking impotently back and forth in the middle of the parking lot while my sister is having a meltdown over at our parents’ house and I can’t be there to help her. This guy is _actually doing it again_, despite all the tow trucks and cop cars I’ve called on his ass through the months I’ve been living here, and he probably will never learn. As I passed by his car on my way back inside to call a cab my rage welled up, overflowed, and before I knew it I’d given his car a little skritch. I started feeling bad about it the second I did it, because it’s a well known part of Life’s Code of Conduct that you _just don’t do that_. I don’t delude myself that I was justified in any way doing that to his car, but it was one of those rare cases where my temper just got the better of me. I’ve been debating with myself whether to go and apologize, but a few things have been stopping me: 1. Judging by the general state of his car (obvious dents in many places, rust, flaking paint, trash strewn across back seat), one little barely visible scratch ( **Ferret Herder** was right; 2 millimeters is very very small) next to one of his headlights is not likely to arouse his ire, even in the unlikely event that he would ever notice it. 2. Under normal circumstances I’m all for admitting my mistakes and apologizing for them, but an earnest apology to this guy would most likely be nothing but a sign of weakness. He probably wouldn’t know whether to laugh louder at the fact that my scratch was so half-hearted or the fact that I’d apologized for something he’d never have noticed in the first place. He would also doubtless proceed to use this incident as leverage the next time we have a parking lot dispute. I mean, this is a man who tried to sue me for having his car towed one night in late November, when he had quite literally parked bumper-to-bumper with me, pinning me against a wall. The act itself wasn’t a calculated “You motherfucker, let’s see how you like it if I scratch your car up a bit, yeah, let’s see how you like that,” but more a “I’ve had it UP TO GRAA _skritch_” which was then half-aborted the second I heard the skritchy noise and felt that “Oh, fuck” feeling in my gut that tells you you just did something wrong. And that feeling, stretched out and hyperbolized, is largely what my OP was about. I wasn’t prepared for you guys to take it at face value quite the way you did, but in retrospect I see that I probably couldn’t have expected anything else. My bad. Hope that explains something. And for the people who suggested I should run myself over with the guy’s car, I’d like to kindly suggest you take that knee of yours and have some of the nerves severed, 'cause that baby’s jerking a wee bit hard. And **booka** … uhh… I had a vague feeling you were being tongue-in-cheek and had a whole thing written out in response, but upon viewing your latest post to this thread… no comment. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/22 "2003-03-06T22:28:40Z")
Hey booka… switch to decaf will ya? And do tell us what yme did to get you all pissy and upset . Fnooonf seems to have seen the error of his ways and should repeat that holiest of commandments - “Thou Dost Not Fucketh With A Man’s Auto-mobile.” - at least a hundred times a day for a week so that this never happens again. He should also offer the owner of the car restitution to repair that nearly microscopic paint chip. BTW - Despite my dislike of vandals, I found the OP to be very entertaining and a refreshing… “My lord, I shall not fail again. Next time I shall heed the commandments, I shall respect the rules, I shall let things follow their proper course, and I shall do the honorable thing. I shall burn his house down.” If it wasn’t so long it would make a great sig line. With greatest respect and reverence, I remain Feynn. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/23 "2003-03-06T22:28:40Z")
Hey booka… switch to decaf will ya? And do tell us what yme did to get you all pissy and upset . Fnooonf seems to have seen the error of his ways and should repeat that holiest of commandments - “Thou Dost Not Fucketh With A Man’s Auto-mobile.” - at least a hundred times a day for a week so that this never happens again. He should also offer the owner of the car restitution to repair that nearly microscopic paint chip. BTW - Despite my dislike of vandals, I found the OP to be very entertaining and a refreshing… “My lord, I shall not fail again. Next time I shall heed the commandments, I shall respect the rules, I shall let things follow their proper course, and I shall do the honorable thing. I shall burn his house down.” If it wasn’t so long it would make a great sig line. With greatest respect and reverence, I remain Feynn. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/24 "2003-03-06T22:29:03Z")
Pretty writing in the pit doesn’t make up for the fact that you deliberately keyed someone’s car because he parked badly. You don’t get any plaudits from me. ---
**Author:** ![booka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@booka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/booka)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/25 "2003-03-06T22:29:43Z")
I feel better already. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/26 "2003-03-06T22:33:23Z")
**Fnoonf** , I for one enjoyed reading your OP and can relate to the frustration you had to deal with. I take it that you’ve learned the error of your ways. So go and sin no more, and let your conscience be your guide. Ohyeah, and **booka** since you’re a Yuper I’ll give you a pass, but if you weren’t I might tell you to shove an antler up your ass for being a sanctimonious prick. ---
**Author:** ![japatlgt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df705f/32.png) [@japatlgt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/japatlgt)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/27 "2003-03-06T22:51:07Z")
Dar be fungus amungus! ---
**Author:** ![Ms2001](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ms2001/32/18463_2.png) [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/28 "2003-03-07T02:45:42Z")
Two millimeters isn’t even a line, it’s a dot. I must say, if I could channel T. Herman Zweibel as well as the OP, I’d update my web site a lot more often. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/29 "2003-03-07T06:30:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bippy the Beardless \* > \*\*The only atonement possible will be to walk backwards around your neighbors car wearing naught but a rag for modesty, and whipping your tainted flesh to blood stained tatters with a piece of garden hose. > \*\* That’s beautiful, **Bipster**. May I use it for a sig? 90 ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/30 "2003-03-07T08:13:29Z")
Much ado abot nothing. Some people are just looking for an excuse to get self rightious. As for me, it is written in the Book of Weirddave, chapter 8: > [@](#): > > Weirddave went unto the house of Cecil. > And early in the morning he came again into the pit, and all the dopers came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. > And the tight asses and self rightious brought unto him a poster taken in vehicular assault; and when they had set the poster in the midst, They say unto him, Master, this poster was taken in vehicular assault, in the very act. Now the law commanded us, that such should be mightily flamed, but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Weirddave stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first post a flame at Fnoonf. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Weirddave was left alone, and Fnoonf standing in the midst. When Weirddave had lifted up himself, and saw none but Fnoonf, he said unto Fnoonf, poster, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? Fnoonf said, No man, Weirddave. And Weirddave said unto Fnoonf, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and key no more. Seriously, Fnoonf knows it was wrong, and regrets the keying. Given his past history with the person in question, and the fact that the dammage was less than that from a stone thrown by a passing truck, I can see no reason for him to confess to the owner of the car. I suspect this is one of those things that he will regret for a long, long time, and that regret will be worse than anything the owner of that car could do to him. Dragging it out, letting the other car’s owner take gleeful potshots and even extract monitary revenge will, IMHO, simply let Fnoonf rationalize what he did. This way, self flagulation, is bound to be a more fitting punishment. ---
**Author:** ![MrPeabody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@MrPeabody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrPeabody)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/31 "2003-03-07T08:17:44Z")
Screw this; If I had such a history with this guy, where he had blocked me in multiple times, and I had to tow his car to get out, I would be less than kind. I would get in my car, put it slowly in reverse, and push him back a few feet. But maybe it’s only because I drive an SUV. It may be said “Thou Dost Not Fucketh With A Man’s Auto-mobile” but it is also to be said, “He who parks like a jerk gets what he deserves.” ---
**Author:** ![Sapphire\_Wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sapphire\_Wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapphire_Wolf)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/32 "2003-03-07T10:23:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MrPeabody \* > “He who parks like a jerk gets what he deserves.” This needs to be a bumper sticker. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/33 "2003-03-07T13:56:59Z")
You didn’t “key” his car, you gave it the tiniest little kiss with your keys. If you ask my friend Marie, keying takes on a whole new meaning. If she were in your situation, she’d hold the key tight in her right hand, thrust it firmly into the door, and drag it along, keeping the pressure heavy, that way, she makes sure to “get right down to the metal, so it can’t be buffed out”. Actually, given the history you have with your neighbor, she’d probably slash his tires too! No, you don’t EVER want to block her in. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/34 "2003-03-07T14:14:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by booka \* > Oh - I get it now. And I’m also supposed to find _value and wit_ in **Fnoonf’s** little pretentious monologue. No, I was trying to explain that **he’s posted in this tone before**. I don’t actually freaking **advocate** keying cars, and I sure as hell wouldn’t have done it. Jesus Christ on a pogostick, tone down the vitriol - just because it’s the Pit doesn’t mean you have to trash anyone who tries to say something that doesn’t totally agree with you. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/35 "2003-03-07T15:29:07Z")
**NinetyWt** I’d be absolutely honoured 🙂 Gawddammit, **Fnoonf** ’s post was funny. Though vandalism is bad, it’s clear **Fnoof** knows that by his sudden shame at doing such a thing. As for resolving the issue, **Fnoof** should send his neighbour the bill for the cost of the Taxi he needed to get (or would have needed to get) to be able to go help his sister out. Now if the neighbour pays up, then **Fnoof** should immediately pay him back the money, to fix up the scratch, and appologise for getting so angry. Cheers, Bippy ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/36 "2003-03-07T16:42:16Z")
Deuteronomy 35: 5 When thou comest upon a man’s automobile, thou shalt not fucketh with it; 6. Thou shalt not keyeth they neighbour’s automobile, nor slash its tires; 7. And if thou givest into temptation, and fucketh with a man’s automobile, thou shalt go unto thy neighbour and tell him, “Brother, I have fucked with thy automobile.” 8. And thou shalt pay him fifty shekels of silver. 9. Thou shalt not fucketh over thy neighbour by parking him in, 10. If a man should parketh in his neighbour, then the elders of the town shall be assembled, 11. And they shall summoneth a tow truck, and hauleth his ass away, 12. For parking in thy neighbour, or parking diagonally, is an abomination unto the Lord thy God. Praise be! ---
**Author:** ![Fnoonf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f6c823/32.png) [@Fnoonf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fnoonf)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/37 "2003-03-07T17:32:09Z")
**Bippy** , that sounds like an even-handed, logical, fair approach to the situation. I might very well consider it in this situation had I any faith that my neighbor would do anything but take a proud, steaming dump on the taxi bill and mail it back to me express. Good advice regardless, so thanks for that. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by RickJay_ > “Brother, I have fucked with thy automobile.” This post was hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![BioHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3bc359/32.png) [@BioHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BioHazard)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/38 "2003-03-07T19:15:27Z")
Well, you say you’ve called the cops on him several times before. I would say to continue to do that and if that doesn’t work, buy or rent a car boot. You may have to work out a deal with the owner of the parking lot, but next time he does it, boot his car and leave a note saying he has to pay a fine, etc. Or just boot his car and leave a note that says “How does it feel, Asshole!” ---
**Author:** ![bdgr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a87d85/32.png) [@bdgr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bdgr)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/39 "2003-03-07T19:23:27Z")
Spray his doorhandles with pepper spray. The residue will get on his hands, and the first time he has to take a piss, he’s screwed. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528/40 "2003-03-07T19:27:45Z")
**bdgr** so you can’t mess with a man’s car, but using chemical weapons on his todger is OK. Mmmmmmm. If I ever piss you off **bdgr** , please just scratch my car (its pretty beat up anyway). Cheers, Bippy [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-day-i-keyed-someones-car/159528.md?page=3)