# To kiss my fat ass, press 1. To fuck off and die, press 2 **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 19, 2006, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184 "2006-07-19T16:18:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/1 "2006-07-19T16:18:39Z")
Automated phone systems. Yes, we all hate them. Yes, they can be confusing and too many companies over-layer them and they can be a general pain in the ass. However… My company has about the easiest VRU on the planet. Press 1 for English, press 1 again to check your account balance. 90% of the calls that come in are balance inquiries. And people are so fucking stupid they can’t figure out press 1 and press 1 again. And then these morons sit and yell at me because they didn’t want to talk to me but end up with me because they’re too fucking dumb to punch the same button on the phone twice in a row. Goddamn chimps in the fucking zoo can punch the same button twice in a row. Rude ass mother fuckers. Probably 7 out of every ten calls that I get are from these fucking feebs. And invariably they have available balances of, like, 64 cents or some shit. Fucking waste my time and theirs with that broke-ass shit. ---
**Author:** ![bloo-bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c77e96/32.png) [@bloo-bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bloo-bird)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/2 "2006-07-19T16:22:58Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] 90% of the calls that come in are balance inquiries. Goddamn chimps in the fucking zoo can punch the same button twice in a row. [/QUOTE] But what is their balance? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/3 "2006-07-19T16:29:05Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] Automated phone systems. Yes, we all hate them. Yes, they can be confusing and too many companies over-layer them and they can be a general pain in the ass. However… My company has about the easiest VRU on the planet. Press 1 for English, press 1 again to check your account balance. 90% of the calls that come in are balance inquiries. And people are so fucking stupid they can’t figure out press 1 and press 1 again. And then these morons sit and yell at me because they didn’t want to talk to me but end up with me because they’re too fucking dumb to punch the same button on the phone twice in a row. Goddamn chimps in the fucking zoo can punch the same button twice in a row. Rude ass mother fuckers. Probably 7 out of every ten calls that I get are from these fucking feebs. And invariably they have available balances of, like, 64 cents or some shit. Fucking waste my time and theirs with that broke-ass shit. [/QUOTE] I totally feel you on this one. I worked for a while where our phone system had two options, dial the extension of the person you’re trying to reach, or hold for the next person. Take a wild guess how many calls I got that started with ‘I didn’t know when to put in the extension’ or ‘Can you transfer me to 1234?’ ARGH! ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/4 "2006-07-19T16:29:12Z")
And while I’m at it… Hey dumbasses, when I ask for your name, give me your name. First and last. When I ask for your date of birth, that includes the year. Your address? The city, state and ZIP code are part of that. And don’t get all pissy with me for asking. I’m not asking you this shit because I give a good goddamn about you and really want to know. I’m asking so that I have some idea that I’m actually talking to you and not an identity thief. If I gave out your information to someone besides you, you’d pitch a goddamn hissy fit about it so don’t act all put upon when I do my job to protect your fucking interests. ---
**Author:** ![Corrvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@Corrvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corrvin)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/5 "2006-07-19T17:05:32Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] And while I’m at it… Hey dumbasses, when I ask for your name, give me your name. First and last. [/QUOTE] The proper term to refer to someone who only has one name is “rock star.” Five points for rock stars. “I got a Sharon on hold for you.” “Sharon who?” “She’s a rock star.” Ten points for a “three-fer”-- when you ask a question, the person doesn’t know and hands the phone to someone else, and THEY don’t know either and pass the phone on again. Two points for “You mean MY phone number?” or “MY real name?” No, your superhero name. (And on my VERY LAST DAY after I win the lottery, I’m gonna say that about 40 times.) Three for “Is this an answering machine?” But you don’t get the points if you answer “Beep!” or “I…am…an…automated…interface.” Seven points for any answer to the question “What can I assist you with today?” that begins with ANY WORD referring to a time unit that is not TODAY (e.g. “Last week…”) Twenty points for a “20 second run-on”-- that’s when they talk for 20 seconds without telling you ANY piece of information about who they are or what they want. For instance, “I hope I have the right number, I called information and they gave me another one to the local branch but they couldn’t help me with this, I’m in the middle of getting a divorce and I hope you’ll understand because I really need to get this taken care of before I pick my daughter up from cancer camp, my sister said you guys did this for her when she had a problem with it 5 years ago but actually I think she was with a different bank but you merged with that bank so it shouldn’t make a difference…” At 100 points, you win a Zantac. You’ll need it. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/6 "2006-07-19T17:13:15Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] Hey dumbasses, when I ask for your name, give me your name. First and last. [/QUOTE] Good point. Of course this cuts both ways. If I contact a call centre over here and request a name for reference in the event of a subsequent problem I only get the first name. Asking for a surname meets with a refusal. What’s your company policy? ---
**Author:** ![MC\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c77e96/32.png) [@MC\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MC_E)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/7 "2006-07-19T17:31:28Z")
[QUOTE=Corrvin] Seven points for any answer to the question “What can I assist you with today?” that begins with ANY WORD referring to a time unit that is not TODAY (e.g. “Last week…”) [/QUOTE] I’m not sure about this one. There are many times that a need can only be explained by giving the (brief) story leading up to the present request. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/8 "2006-07-19T17:34:59Z")
[QUOTE=Corrvin] Twenty points for a “20 second run-on”-- that’s when they talk for 20 seconds without telling you ANY piece of information about who they are or what they want. For instance, “I hope I have the right number, I called information and they gave me another one to the local branch but they couldn’t help me with this, I’m in the middle of getting a divorce and I hope you’ll understand because I really need to get this taken care of before I pick my daughter up from cancer camp, my sister said you guys did this for her when she had a problem with it 5 years ago but actually I think she was with a different bank but you merged with that bank so it shouldn’t make a difference…” At 100 points, you win a Zantac. You’ll need it. [/QUOTE] How many points do I get if they ramble for 45 seconds, I tell them it’s another office they need to speak with because I do not have access to the billing system and then they go on for another 45 or more seconds about why I should be able to anyway? Do I get a bonus if the call lasts 5 minutes when I just need to transfer them? ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/9 "2006-07-19T17:45:16Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] And while I’m at it… Hey dumbasses, when I ask for your name, give me your name. First and last. When I ask for your date of birth, that includes the year. Your address? The city, state and ZIP code are part of that. And don’t get all pissy with me for asking. I’m not asking you this shit because I give a good goddamn about you and really want to know. I’m asking so that I have some idea that I’m actually talking to you and not an identity thief. If I gave out your information to someone besides you, you’d pitch a goddamn hissy fit about it so don’t act all put upon when I do my job to protect your fucking interests. [/QUOTE] Does this make anyone feel secure? If someone steals my wallet (which has my license in it) they have all of that information. All you’ve established is that the thief can read. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/10 "2006-07-19T17:53:14Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] My company has about the easiest VRU on the planet. Press 1 for English, press 1 again to check your account balance. 90% of the calls that come in are balance inquiries. And people are so fucking stupid they can’t figure out press 1 and press 1 again. [/QUOTE] I don’t doubt that you get a lot of morons who can’t figure out how to use a phone menu. But people in general also have to deal with a lot of morons who don’t know how to write a phone menu. I will make a reasonable attempt to use the phone menu, with “reasonable” defined as “about one minute’s worth.” If it takes longer than that to do something simple, or the stupid menu keeps looping back to something or requires sophisticated searching algorithms, fuck it. Then I just punch 0 until I get an actual person on the phone. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/11 "2006-07-19T18:44:21Z")
We secretly replaced **Otto** ’s regular week with a fucking ass load of annoying shit. Let’s see what happens … ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/12 "2006-07-19T18:54:26Z")
[QUOTE=Chez Guevara] Of course this cuts both ways. If I contact a call centre over here and request a name for reference in the event of a subsequent problem I only get the first name. Asking for a surname meets with a refusal. What’s your company policy? [/QUOTE] We’re only required to give first names. I refuse to give my last name on the phone. It’s a security issue. I’ve worked in three different call centers where reps were stalked by irate customers. I will give an extension if asked for further identification. > [@amarinth](#): > > Does this make anyone feel secure? It makes me feel secure in that if an ID thief does get past me I can point to the taped conversation and say that I did the required-by-law verification. ---
**Author:** ![Bertie\_Wooster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/58f4c7/32.png) [@Bertie\_Wooster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bertie_Wooster)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/13 "2006-07-19T19:18:22Z")
> [@](#): > > Automated phone systems. Yes, we all hate them. Yes, they can be confusing and too many companies over-layer them and they can be a general pain in the ass. However… You see, this is where you’ve lost me already. If I wanted to talk to a machine, I’d sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat with my toaster. It at least gives me something I want. Just tell me my balance and earn your five bucks an hour for a change. ---
**Author:** ![MostlyClueless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@MostlyClueless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MostlyClueless)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/14 "2006-07-19T19:39:04Z")
[QUOTE=Bertie Wooster] You see, this is where you’ve lost me already. If I wanted to talk to a machine, I’d sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat with my toaster. It at least gives me something I want. Just tell me my balance and earn your five bucks an hour for a change. [/QUOTE] You don’t want to talk to a machine. You don’t want to talk to a human being. If you did, you’d go to a bar or call your mom. You just want to know your balance. It’s more convenient to the other people who _need_ human assistance with their problems if they don’t have to wait for inane jackasses who have to hassle professionally trained folks for something so stupid a computer can do it. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/15 "2006-07-19T20:01:19Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] My company has about the easiest VRU on the planet. Press 1 for English, press 1 again to check your account balance. [/QUOTE] Why the fuck do I have to press a button to continue in English? This is goddam America, the predominate language is English. If you wish to accommodate non-English speakers, fine, but I see no reason why you have to make the rest of us press extra buttons for their sake. The default language should be English; if callers need to access foreign language options, let them press extra buttons. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/16 "2006-07-19T20:03:11Z")
[QUOTE=Chez Guevara] Good point. Of course this cuts both ways. If I contact a call centre over here and request a name for reference in the event of a subsequent problem I only get the first name. Asking for a surname meets with a refusal. What’s your company policy? [/QUOTE] My company doesn’t appear to have a policy (if they do, they evidently consider me too far down on the need-to-know list to be told if its existence or its details). Nevertheless, I’m always only too happy to give both my first and my last name. I had a former coworker (the subject of [my first Pit thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=4856777&postcount=1), as it happens), who got bent out of shape when I referred to him (to customers) as “Mr. Marx.” No one else ever had a problem with it either; not Mr. Shaver, Mr. Jaramillo, Ms. Garcia, Ms. Verdugo, Ms. Ning; none of them. I just don’t feel comfortable bandying my coworkers’ first names around to a bunch of strangers. Of course, I won’t pretend that there wasn’t a _scintilla_ of satisfaction in doing something that spun the jackass up, with simple politeness as the reason. ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/17 "2006-07-19T20:12:03Z")
[QUOTE=Fear Itself] Why the fuck do I have to press a button to continue in English? This is goddam America, the predominate language is English. If you wish to accommodate non-English speakers, fine, but I see no reason why you have to make the rest of us press extra buttons for their sake. The default language should be English; if callers need to access foreign language options, let them press extra buttons. [/QUOTE] If you only have buttons for foreign languages, then what do English speakers have to do? Wait for the menu of languages, wait for the system to decide you’re not going to push a button, wait for the system to move on to the English menu. Much, much faster for the English speaker in a hurry, and for everyone else, to have the English choice up front. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/18 "2006-07-19T20:15:12Z")
[QUOTE=Nametag] If you only have buttons for foreign languages, then what do English speakers have to do? Wait for the menu of languages, wait for the system to decide you’re not going to push a button, wait for the system to move on to the English menu. Much, much faster for the English speaker in a hurry, and for everyone else, to have the English choice up front. [/QUOTE] Or, assume the user is in English. Here’s how it works: Press 1 for your balance. Press 2 for foreign language support. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/19 "2006-07-19T20:20:16Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] Fucking waste my time and theirs with that broke-ass shit. [/QUOTE] You got a problem with broke-ass motherfuckers, muthafucka? No goddam sumbitch with $47,000 in his checking account is gonna call your ass and request a balance. Of course it’s gonna be a buncha broke-ass fucks. Get used to it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184/20 "2006-07-19T20:31:27Z")
[QUOTE=Fear Itself] Why the fuck do I have to press a button to continue in English? This is goddam America, the predominate language is English. If you wish to accommodate non-English speakers, fine, but I see no reason why you have to make the rest of us press extra buttons for their sake. The default language should be English; if callers need to access foreign language options, let them press extra buttons. [/QUOTE] Oh, they get to press extra buttons, all right. They also get to wait to find out what the appropriate buttons are. Would you rather listen to the options for language selection in seven different languages until it starts helping you, or are you okay with bypassing that recording and saving the time? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-kiss-my-fat-ass-press-1-to-fuck-off-and-die-press-2/365184.md?page=2)