# To my girlfriend ( a laundry rant)...
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [November 30, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077 "2008-11-30T18:34:13Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@CircleofWillis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CircleofWillis)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/1 "2008-11-30T18:34:13Z")
You are the apple of my eye. You make squirrels sing and your broken wind smells of cinnamon. One eensy little thing though…
Please stop going behind me and undoing what I have done cuz you can do it better. For fuck’s sake… I get it. You are better at doing some thigns than I am. I suggest, however, that you do these things to your liking BEFORE I have started the task.
I am not predatorally hanging about waiting to do every little thing in order to block your ability to do household chores your way. I am by no means territorial over it. It needs to be done and no one is rushing to do it, so I did. I apologize that I didnt do it according to your rule book. I did it according to mine.
I am 41 years old. Going behind me and undoing it so it can be done your way will only serve to piss me off. You have never before complained about the magical laundry fairies that have hung your clothes in your closet and washed your private dainties. Please respect the fact that i have managed to get it done many times previously without causing the end of the world.
Oh… and, in case there wasn’t enough cursing, here are some gratuitous fucks, shits, cocksuckers and motherfuckers…
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### Author:  [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/2 "2008-11-30T18:35:57Z")
… wait, what?
The problem is that she re-did laundry that you’d done, or something? I don’t get it. Why does that piss you off?
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### Author:  [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikki_Tikki_Tavi)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/3 "2008-11-30T18:42:38Z")
Is it her laundry? If so, let her do it herself. Then it will get done the way she prefers. I do the laundry in my house because I want it done a certain way and I don’t want to teach my husband to do it that way. Not that he has any interest in learning to.
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### Author:  [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/4 "2008-11-30T18:50:31Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#):
>
> The problem is that she re-did laundry that you’d done, or something? I don’t get it. Why does that piss you off?
Because it’s something you’d do to an eight-year-old who’s just learning to do basic tasks.
I’m going to give **CoW** the benefit of the doubt and assume he knows how to use a washing machine properly, and his girlfriend doesn’t like the particular way he does it. I’ve known plenty of people who have their own way of doing things and declare any other potential method as childish and wrong. My old roommate used to chide me for cleaning the windows with a counterclockwise motion. Of course, that guy would also give me a lecture if, in the morning, I brushed my teeth _after_ shaving when it was obviously supposed to be done the other way around. That shit grates after a while.
That said, I wouldn’t let it upset me, because there’s a simple solution: either she does the laundry, so that it meets with her precise specifications, or else it sits there and rots until you’re wearing day-old socks. That’s the best way I’ve found to deal with people like that; you’re never going to be able to do it “right”, so best not to do it at all. Depending on the strength of their control-freak tendencies, they’ll either get over it, or else you don’t have to do laundry anymore. It’s win-win!
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### Author:  [@BlueKangaroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlueKangaroo)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/5 "2008-11-30T18:52:15Z")
No, I think he’s got a decent point in there.
If the laundry is stacking up, it needs to get done. Even if it’s hers. And if she’s not doing it, it should be fine for him to do it, _without her going back and redoing it_. Yeah, maybe stuff’s going to get folded “wrong” or worse - well, stacks of laundry interfere with everyone’s happiness, so it should have gotten done sooner if she had a specified way of getting it done.
I think it’s exactly this sort of thing that leads to later problems with chore-balance. I can easily see this turning into a situation where **CircleofWillis** never does the laundry (and the dishes and so on), because he can’t get it right. Then his girlfriend is pissed because she’s doing all the housework, but she can’t let go of how it’s done enough to let him help.
If this requires one or both of them to learn from the other the “right” way of doing things, then maybe that’s the answer, but on some level it has to come down to - “X isn’t getting done, so now I will do it and that’s that.”
Good luck to both of you, **CircleofWillis**.
ETA: **Roland Orzabal’s** take on it is exactly what I’m saying here. I don’t think he’s at all wrong to take the attitude of never helping at a point like that, but I do think that something like that _will_ lead to serious fights later on about how **CircleofWillis** “never helps out around the house!”
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### Author:  [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/6 "2008-11-30T18:53:13Z")
She re-dried the clothes because maybe they were too wrinkly? Let her.
She re-folded the clothes because she folds differently? Let her.
She re-washed clothes that were already washed? Did you not use soap or something? Might be time for counseling, because it seems a larger game is being played.
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### Author:  [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/7 "2008-11-30T19:24:08Z")
> [@Roland\_Orzabal](#):
>
> Because it’s something you’d do to an eight-year-old who’s just learning to do basic tasks.
It’s also something you do when the task isn’t done the way you want it.
> [@Roland\_Orzabal](#):
>
> I’m going to give **CoW** the benefit of the doubt and assume he knows how to use a washing machine properly, and his girlfriend doesn’t like the particular way he does it.
And instead of berating him or taking him to task or even making an issue of it, she simply re-washes her own clothes the way she likes?
Next thing you know she’ll be quietly fixing other pet peeves of hers without making a big issue out of it. What a cunt!
> [@Roland\_Orzabal](#):
>
> That said, I wouldn’t let it upset me, because there’s a simple solution: either she does the laundry, so that it meets with her precise specifications, or else it sits there and rots until you’re wearing day-old socks.
Orrrrrrrrr, the OP doesn’t do it and they work out an agreed upon division of chores, and if he does it and if she isn’t happy with it, she has the burden of re-doing it herself. Honestly, what’s the problem other than that his ego is a bit hurt? Who even cares what the reason is? The clothes aren’t fluffy enough, aren’t folded the way she likes, whatever. She didn’t yell at him and make him re-do it, she simply did it again the way she wanted. She’s not allowed to wash her own clothes if someone else does it first? Why, exactly?
> [@BlueKangaroo](#):
>
> If the laundry is stacking up, it needs to get done. Even if it’s hers. And if she’s not doing it, it should be fine for him to do it, _without her going back and redoing it_.
Why? Honestly why is there any good reason for her not to spend her own time and energy to re-do her own laundry if she prefers her own way better? The OP gave no indication that she yelled at him or even mentioned it. In fact, she “went behind his back” and re-did the laundry herself, on her own time. And he’s offended by that. Why not just accept that she might sometimes want to re-do her own laundry and leave it at that?
> [@BlueKangaroo](#):
>
> but I do think that something like that _will_ lead to serious fights later on
There’s a huge difference between “could possibly lead” and “will lead”. Without knowing anything else about their relationship, there’s no basis for judging.
As an example, **Lunarnoodle** and I had some problems adjusting to living together for the first month or two. I’m more apt to let certain things slide and she’s not, I’m more comfortable with clutter while she’s not, etc… When I was first doing dishes, I wouldn’t wear my glasses and I’d let them drip dry in the drainer instead of toweling them dry. Even when I wore my glasses to do the dishes, I didn’t make sure that everything was immaculate, simply clean. She didn’t like that certain dishes, then, had ‘smudges’ on them from how the water dried (we have hard water).
We acted like adults and decided that if she required that the dishes be done a certain way that I couldn’t achieve, she could do them herself while I would in turn be responsible for cooking meals. I still help out with dishes from time to time and if she thinks that a glass is too ‘smudgy’, she’ll do it over again. Neither of us gets flipped out by that fact. More to the point, we haven’t argued over housework again in three years.
Serious fights are hardly a necessity if a couple can communicate and learn to compromise.
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### Author:  [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/8 "2008-11-30T19:41:36Z")
Who’s suggesting that they fight about anything? For that matter, who the hell called her a cunt? As far as I can tell, nobody seems to be all that fired up about this…not **CoW** , not **BlueKangaroo** , and certainly not me.
If she wants to do the laundry, let her do it. If she’s cool with doing all the laundry, so be it. That’s how I split things with clockwise-boy; I did everything he wasn’t anal-retentive about, he did the rest, and as long as I remembered the proper toilette order we got along fine. All I’m saying is that there’s no point in **CircleofWillis** doing the laundry if his girlfriend is going to go behind him and do it again. If she wants him to do his share of the laundry, she’s going to have to accept that he isn’t her and is not going to do things exactly as she might’ve.
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### Author:  [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/9 "2008-11-30T19:46:57Z")
> [@levdrakon](#):
>
> She re-washed clothes that were already washed? Did you not use soap or something? Might be time for counseling, because it seems a larger game is being played.
I’ve done this (and most of the above), several times. There are definitely different degrees of care that people take with laundry.
Reason for rewashing: Poor sorting, which left white lint all over my black shirts.
I am a bad, bad man. So sorry about that.
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### Author:  [@CircleofWillis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CircleofWillis)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/10 "2008-11-30T19:50:05Z")
Yeah… Im kinda with Roland on this one… I am not tremendously fired up about it, it’s just irritating. I put forth the effort and initiative to get it started and having her go back, take the clothes out of the washer and restart it her way, while bitching about how I do it the whole time, was irritating. Nothing more nothing less.
Shrug… maybe I am touchy today.
Was irritating and I sorted ranted about i as t. Wasn’t expecting a ton of vitriol. Was sorta expecting to get it off my chest and let it sink like a stone as my other threads tend to do.
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### Author:  [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/11 "2008-11-30T19:53:31Z")
Re-doing a chore is a passive-aggressive way of saying “you did it wrong and you don’t get any credit for helping”. Instead of doing this, there should be a discussion that resolves who will do which laundry at what time. No good can come of this crappy unspoken discussion.
I had the same issue with my wife. She complained that I wasn’t helping enough with things. Then when I increased my help output, she carped over minor details or constantly corrected me as I was doing things. I told her we would have exactly one discussion about how I would perform household chores and that I would not be changing every single thing about how I prefer to do them. Negotiations occurred, details were hammered out, domestic bliss was experienced.
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### Author:  [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/12 "2008-11-30T20:00:15Z")
Edit: removed in light of double post.
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### Author:  [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/13 "2008-11-30T20:02:26Z")
Missed this on preview:
> [@CircleofWillis](#):
>
> I put forth the effort and initiative to get it started and having her go back, take the clothes out of the washer and restart it her way, while bitching about how I do it the whole time, was irritating. Nothing more nothing less.
Well, this changes everything.
You said she went behind your back and did it. That’s quite different from doing it right in your face, and berating you the whole time.
I remove my objections, rant away.
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### Author:  [@CircleofWillis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CircleofWillis)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/14 "2008-11-30T20:05:08Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#):
>
> Missed this on preview:
>
> Well, this changes everything.
> You said she went behind your back and did it. That’s quite different from doing it right in your face, and berating you the whole time.
>
> I remove my objections, rant away.
No I never said she went behind my back.. I said she went behind me… meaning after I had it already started…
and berating might be a strong word… she was bitching
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### Author:  [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/15 "2008-11-30T20:11:21Z")
I’m with you Circle. Redoing work is rude. If you don’t want me to do it, tell me. Hell, I’m happy to let you do it. But don’t let me waste my time doing it and then redo it.
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### Author:  [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/16 "2008-11-30T20:16:34Z")
I settled laundry issues in my own way. Once – ONCE! – my husband complained that I didn’t iron his shirts right. In fact, he got dam cranky about it. So, since that very day, decades ago, I have never ironed any shirt of his. Ever. OTOH, he would sometimes “help” with the laundry. Despite the fact that I told him many, many times NOT to put silk shirts in the washer, let alone the dryer, and that certain things MUST be handled a certain way lest they shrink, he persisted in doing them wrong. Finally, after a massive explosion about it, I apologized for my anger. Sorry, dear, that I yelled at you. After all, it’s just a $75 silk shirt. There are plenty more at the mall. Wash them however you want. If it’s ruined I’ll just go buy another one. I know you won’t mind the expense. Never happened again.
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### Author:  [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/17 "2008-11-30T20:18:10Z")
> [@CircleofWillis](#):
>
> I said she went behind me… meaning after I had it already started…
~shrugs~
The only context I’ve ever seen the words “go behind me” used were “go behind my back” “go behind the scenes” or physically “go behind where I am standing”. The latter two would’ve made no sense to me in the context of you standing in front of the laundry machines starting a load.
But roger dodger, she went and started in on the laundry after you’d already started, and then rather than berating you, complained at you.
I still think this is MPSIMS shit though. 😉
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### Author:  [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/18 "2008-11-30T20:20:07Z")
> [@CircleofWillis](#):
>
> No I never said she went behind my back.. I said she went behind me… meaning after I had it already started…
>
> and berating might be a strong word… she was bitching
Earlier this morning I decided to hand wash some dishes in the sink, instead of putting them in the auto washer. The SO came in, grabbed a towel and started [drying them.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=495222) I asked “why are you doing that? We live in Colorado and the humidity is about 30% They’ll be dry in 4.745 minutes.”
But what I did was ask “what are you doing?”
Remaining silent and letting it fester because you don’t know why will cause problems. My SO’s answer was “it’s just what I do.” Problem solved. It’s what she does, and apparently doesn’t mean to correct my inferior dish handling habits. If she needs to towel dry stuff that is air drying, no skin off my back.
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### Author:  [@CircleofWillis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CircleofWillis)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/19 "2008-11-30T20:20:40Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#):
>
> ~shrugs~
>
> I still think this is MPSIMS shit though. 😉
Yeah you are prolly right.. but most times MPSIMS doesnt even hit my radar… I have to start remembering it exists… a mod is more than welcoem to move it for me if deemed fit, though Im not sure if it will get the traffic to warrant a move.
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### Author:  [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2008, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-girlfriend-a-laundry-rant/475077/20 "2008-11-30T20:21:03Z")
> [@CircleofWillis](#):
>
> No I never said she went behind my back.. I said she went behind me… meaning after I had it already started…
>
> and berating might be a strong word… she was bitching
Well, there’s still some question of the problem here; I mean if I saw sweetie throw my underwire bras into the washer, believe me I’d stop the thing and pull them out, even if it smacked of “you’re not doing it RIGHT do I have to do everything around here” in his eyes. Those things can get bent and ruined in there.
That said, I HATE when people redo stuff I’ve just finished, so I do sympathize.
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