# To my (possibly soon-to-be-ex-) husband **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 4, 2005, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743 "2005-10-04T15:58:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/21 "2005-10-04T19:47:52Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > Does offering up a biased, one-sided retelling of marital dirty laundry have a positive effect? Catharsis? ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/22 "2005-10-04T19:48:59Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > Could someone other than the OP explain to me how threads (whether in the pit or not) like ‘_To my (possibly soon-to-be-ex-) husband_’ have anything other than negative consequences? > > Does offering up a biased, one-sided retelling of marital dirty laundry have a positive effect? > > Does anyone really believe advice or condolences from anonymous posters who are so far removed from the individual’s experiences on a public message board can do any good? I used to sneer at these kinds of threads, myself. Then I was involved in a really, really bad relationship situation that left me feeling enraged and depressed like I’ve never felt before. For that single shitty evening, being able to vent my spleen with minimal real life consequences was helpful. Do a search on my Pit threads if you’re at all interested. If you’re using the SDMB as your sole source of therapy, then you’ve got bigger problems, natch. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/23 "2005-10-04T20:49:59Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > Does offering up a biased, one-sided retelling of marital dirty laundry have a positive effect? Having bitched about my mother many times on this board, it sure can. > [@](#): > > Does anyone really believe advice or condolences from anonymous posters who are so far removed from the individual’s experiences on a public message board can do any good? Yes…I learned one thing from all the advice given to me. That I was assuming too much from the start, and that I needed to step back and take a look at my assumptions. ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/24 "2005-10-04T21:13:36Z")
**Thanks** for all your answers. Different strokes / different folks and all of that. N. Sane, I’m reasonably certain you know I asked those questions with no ill-will or hidden agenda. However, if I could offer some unsolicited advice & a word of caution: When it comes to marital he said/she said threads, you’ll find there’s a tendency by people here to immediately throw down the gauntlet, proclaim your other half is a goat felching, insensitive pig and advise you 24 hours isn’t quick enough to drag his ass into court. It hasn’t happened here in your thread yet - but is has in past ones I’ve read. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/25 "2005-10-04T21:44:42Z")
> [@N. Sane](#): > > Well, guess what: I don’t have to put up with it. I’m not coming back unless/until things are very different. And if you don’t start trying to improve things, I ain’t coming back! I’ve been learning how to manage money better, I’ve gotten the depression under control, and it’s so nice not living with someone who tells me at least twice a week that I’m stupid. If that’s what life with you is going to be life, then I’m glad I’m gone. I realize you don’t believe in divorce. Neither do I. But neither do I believe that marriage is a punishment. Sometimes, divorce is necessary. It isn’t a failing on your part, and if you have done everything you can to correct the problems then you should not beat yourself up about this. You have no control over what _he_ does, and it seems he wants constant control over what you do. There are obviously trust issues and issues regarding your physical relationship, which I won’t question, none of my business. But I do think you should get counselling ASAP. If he won’t go with you, go alone. I would get a lawyer and never ever see the guy again, but that’s me. Anyone who treats me and my family that way doesn’t deserve a second chance, much less a third or fourth. You have to do what you believe is best for you. Not your church. You (please understand, I am _not_ knocking your church. Just saying it shouldn’t be a factor in your decision). You have a right to make whatever you want of your life. It’s too short to waste being miserable with someone who is insecure and abusive. ---
**Author:** ![Izzybella](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e56c9b/32.png) [@Izzybella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Izzybella)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/26 "2005-10-04T22:51:44Z")
Hey, N.Sane. Izzybella (your favorite-est) sister checking in. First, I’m not sick of you. I understand that you are going through a hard time and you need to vent. I know I’m hardly what you would call unbiased but you deserve so much better than you have gotten the last 14 years. Forget the way he treats the rest of us (although, hey pretty jerky), the way he treats you is appalling. I’m glad you are working through your issues–yes, she’s doing counseling–and I hope you keep on taking care of yourself. And don’t go thinking that I’m tired of hearing stuff. I’m here for you, okey-doke? ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/27 "2005-10-04T23:02:17Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > Could someone other than the OP explain to me how threads (whether in the pit or not) like ‘_To my (possibly soon-to-be-ex-) husband_’ have anything other than negative consequences? Just curious, but what negative consequences do you see coming of a thread like this? ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_First_Time)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/28 "2005-10-04T23:03:10Z")
Two more positives from posting threads such as this : being in relationships like this can be extremely isolating. It helps a lot to read of others who have been in similiar spots and emerged better for it. N.Sane - you’re not alone, lots of others have been in your shoes. FWIW - I kinda wish my mother had found one of my X’s sex toys (he had/has plenty). Perhaps because she’s in year 55 of a joyless, sterile marriage herself and thought I should stick with it, but Mom’s one of the very few people in my life who has not supported my break-up and divorce. Secondly, after being told for months and years that your perception of reality is not valid on every possible occasion, it really helps to have others tell you that you are not the messed up one and that your perceptions have merit. Hang in there N. I’m rooting for ya ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2005, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/29 "2005-10-04T23:35:47Z")
> [@Long Time First Time](#): > > Two more positives from posting threads such as this : being in relationships like this can be extremely isolating. It helps a lot to read of others who have been in similiar spots and emerged better for it. N.Sane - you’re not alone, lots of others have been in your shoes. Nothing to add; this just needed to be repeated. ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/30 "2005-10-05T03:46:31Z")
Sounds like you deserve much better. Good luck, and don’t look back. You’ll turn into a black, lumpy thing. And I believe in the power of venting to strangers. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/31 "2005-10-05T15:24:49Z")
> [@N. Sane](#): > > It was a sex toy, and what’s worse, when I did sweep it out, my dog thought it was one of her toys and went for it. If it were ice-blue… and ‘jelly’… and double-headed… and of a certain length… …then I believe we have an acronym for that here at the Dope ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/32 "2005-10-05T18:54:41Z")
As much as you value the sanctity of marriage, it certainly seems like he isn’t capable of holding up his end of the deal. You did the right thing…good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/33 "2005-10-05T19:45:33Z")
I just came in here to laugh at the black, lumpy, salty bishop holding a water bill in one hand and a sex toy in the other and give **N. Sane** many hugs. _does so, bows out again_ ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2005, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/34 "2005-10-06T01:18:04Z")
> [@N. Sane](#): > > You are such an asswipe! STOP. RIGHT. THERE. Did you hear me? STOP. RIGHT. THERE. Listen very, very carefully to the following words of wisdom by a family friend who is my local Family Law Court Magistrate. This is a guy who has seen it all before. Every possible permutation of marriage breakdown has come before his court at some point in time - in particular, the never ending downward spiral of mutual emnity regarding children. His wise insight is as follows (and I paraphrase…) \*"You know? If I could make just two rulings to fighting couples before my court, I’d never have to make another ruling for the rest of my life. And they’re so simple… One; both parties have to be polite and civil towards each other at all times - and that includes NEVER saying anything nasty towards each other. Two; both parties have to respect the other party’s opinions, and both parties have to respect the other party’s needs. If I could make those two rulings I’d never have to do another thing. I’d be out of a job"\* Now… I want you to think about that. In the context of the quote above, the moment you started thinking it was OK to start being hostile to your husband, well… that’s the moment that YOU started contibuting to YOUR side of the mutual downward spiral. I know… I know… you’re wanting empathy right now and you’ve got it. Nonetheless, print out those two rules right now. Put them up on your fridge and let them be your guiding instruments in bad weather system for the rest of this tough time. Believe me, that Magistrate I’m talking about has got it nailed. ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2005, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/35 "2005-10-06T04:35:14Z")
> [@Boo Boo Foo](#): > > the moment you started thinking it was OK to start being hostile to your husband, well… that’s the moment that YOU started contibuting to YOUR side of the mutual downward spiral. Uh, I don’t think her husband is actually reading this. In fact, I’d guess she’s calling him an asswipe here in part to get it out and be more capable of NOT being hostile to him in real life. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2005, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/36 "2005-10-06T04:40:49Z")
> [@elfbabe](#): > > Uh, I don’t think her husband is actually reading this. In fact, I’d guess she’s calling him an asswipe here in part to get it out and be more capable of NOT being hostile to him in real life. That’s not the way hostility works. It’s way more about tone and body language than actual verbal content. It’s impossible to have hostility towards someone and hide it. The OP has to decide right here, right now, whether she’s going to get sucked into the vortex of bitterness or not. If her choice is to “rise above it all”, then refusing to speak of her husband disrespectfully, even on a messageboard, is the first test of her commitment. Which is not to say that she doesn’t have my full support. She does. I’m simply of the opinion that you can’t have your cake and have it too when it comes to being noble. You can’t be good just part of the time. It has to be all of the time. And I don’t accept the excuse that she was just venting. That’s just hostility by any other name. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2005, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/37 "2005-10-06T05:02:35Z")
> [@Boo Boo Foo](#): > > Which is not to say that she doesn’t have my full support. She does. I’m simply of the opinion that you can’t have your cake and have it too when it comes to being noble. You can’t be good just part of the time. It has to be all of the time. And I don’t accept the excuse that she was just venting. That’s just hostility by any other name. Bullshit. The guy has been an abusive fuckwad for years, and she’s just supposed to be stoic and hold it in? Fuck that shit-people who don’t vent their feelings usually end exploding, or burning themselves out. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2005, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/38 "2005-10-06T05:23:13Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Bullshit. The guy has been an abusive fuckwad for years, and she’s just supposed to be stoic and hold it in? Fuck that shit-people who don’t vent their feelings usually end exploding, or burning themselves out. I’ll trust the Magistrate with the wise advise over yours any day. He’s seen it all. And his point still stands. Buy into the cycle of emnity and it gets worse. As I said, the OP has my empathy regarding her situation. That isn’t in question. But we can’t change people. We can only change our reactions. You know that Guin. I know you do. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2005, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/39 "2005-10-06T05:31:33Z")
Of course we can change our reactions, and were she in court, I’d agree. But she’s not. She’s frustrated, and needs to let off steam. There’s no shame in that. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2005, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743/40 "2005-10-06T05:32:20Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Bullshit. The guy has been an abusive fuckwad for years, and she’s just supposed to be stoic and hold it in? Fuck that shit-people who don’t vent their feelings usually end exploding, or burning themselves out. Also, I’d like to disagree about a logical premise in this statement too. The assertion that people explode is a fallacy - that’s the consequence of passive aggressive behaviour. That is, we stay artificially passive until we become aggressive as we try to assert ourselves. The goal in my initial advice is to actually avoid needing to be passive in the first place. Which by extension removes the need to even vent on a messageboard. By implementing the two rules mentioned above, we force ourselves to always consider the other person’s point of view without ever perceiving ourselves as a victim. By choosing to be polite, by choosing to be civil - we’re playing OUR role in maintaining good relations - and it allows our relationships to return to a healthy centered place much quicker if things do get heated. I respect your opinions on this messageboard Guin - you’re almost always witty and neutral. I’m not the enemy here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-possibly-soon-to-be-ex-husband/324743.md?page=3)