# To my sister **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 26, 2004, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714 "2004-11-26T05:31:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/21 "2004-11-28T07:17:51Z")
> [@TroubleAgain](#): > > But you SHOULD be defending at least your kid against this bitch’s poison. I imagine your husband can defend himself. But the minute she started spouting off about MY CHILD, I’d have invited her to either shut up or leave. YMMV. Nearly perfect. Invite her to have a steaming cup of shut the fuck up. The next holiday, don’t invite her. Tell her why. It is time to draw a line in the sand. ---
**Author:** ![ccwaterback](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@ccwaterback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ccwaterback)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/22 "2004-11-28T08:28:41Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > The next holiday, don’t invite her. Tell her why. It is time to draw a line in the sand. Exactly. If she questions why she’s not invited, tell her you want to have a peaceful time with people you love. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/23 "2004-11-28T12:52:08Z")
> [@LifeOnWry](#): > > . > > She picks on my kid - nothing major, but she makes cracks about my parenting. My daughter is an honor student, she’s a little shy and she takes piano lessons. My sister asked for a recital last night - daughter balked, and Sis made a comment about me “wasting money to send her to music lessons.” Then she went on for quite some time about her daughter’s dance recitals and her son’s football games. Her son has a mohawk haircut right now, but Sis made a few remarks about my daughter experimenting with haircolor. Now, see, that’s a dealbreaker. Be a bitch to me all you want, but one snarky comment made to my children and I will lay your ass out. It may be nothing major to you, but for a shy child to have Auntie make snide comments to her, and for the parent not to defend her, that’s very damaging. (I don’t know if you jumped Sis’s case, but you didn’t specify. I apologize for making an assumption if you did take Sis to task on this issue.) ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/24 "2004-11-28T14:03:46Z")
Checking in to agree with the advice to cut her out and tell her why. For the good of your child, your spouse, yourself - and her. Because when you continue to tolerate that kind of awful behavior, you send the message that it’s okay. And it’s not. Absolutely not - you are by no means obligated to put up with her poison. It’s not petty, it’s mean, vindictive, and rude. Your sister has a lot of other choices and if she were smart, she’d start to exercise them. Look, our family had the most wonderful Thanksgiving ever. There were nineteen of us at my grandfather’s house and it was a raucous, wild time. The best part was that my sister brought her keyboard and we sang (poorly) Christmas songs. Mostly we clowned around b/c our knowledge of the lyrics was shaky and my sister didn’t know the tunes. What was cool was how we shared the limelight, encouraging one another’s antics. Everybody who wanted to sang or danced and acted goofy, to everyone else’s delight. Some of us are thin, most of us need to lose weight; a few have plenty of money, others are barely getting by. It doesn’t matter. ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/25 "2004-11-28T15:42:06Z")
Just so’s you all know, my daughter did not hear my sister’s crack about her not wanting to play piano. The thing is, I’ve drawn the line in the sand. I’ve told her I won’t stand for it. At which point she laughs and says, “God, you’re so touchy! I was JUST KIDDING.” There is NO point in escalating the bullshit when she’s here - because again, it’s petty, piddly shit, and she has no fucking class, she’ll turn it into a scene. Confronting her privately is also not an option unless I want to start a family war. She will involve my mother (who is a whole 'nother nightmare) and frankly I am not up to it. I think avoidance, and gritting my teeth on the occasions when avoidance isn’t possible, is my only acceptable option. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/26 "2004-11-28T16:01:11Z")
I wouldn’t waste any more time conversing with her, or inviting her to social gatherings. But that’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![Another\_Primate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Another\_Primate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Another_Primate)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/27 "2004-11-28T16:23:59Z")
> [@LifeOnWry](#): > > I think avoidance, and gritting my teeth on the occasions when avoidance isn’t possible, is my only acceptable option. I know this is similar to advice you’ve already gotten, but perhaps you might think it less confrontational and more acceptable: Have you tried, “Sister, you mean so much to me, and it’s important to me what you think of me. When you ask me (tell me) this, I get my feelings hurt. Perhaps I am too sensitive; perhaps I am misunderstanding you. But I don’t know how to reply nicely while still being honest. Would you please accept my choosing to ignore the question (statement)?” If she doesn’t accept it, or persists in like questioning, try “Please forgive me, but I choose to ignore it anyway. I’m sorry you’re unhappy and I love you.” Then walk away. I’ll bet that even though some of your family might think you’re an odd duck, most will support you, at least inwardly – and isn’t that where it counts? You could even type it up on an index card. After reading it to her seven or eight times, I’ll bet she’d even get the hint before you got it out of your pocket. See, this way, you aren’t attacking her. You’re saying only that what she says bothers you. How can she argue that? I mean, no matter what she says, you can shrug, and say, “yeah, I guess I’m kinda wierd, but that’s just how I feel”. And you aren’t threatening her with something you truly do NOT want to carry through (expulsion or shunning). (I assume that you do love your sister, no matter how much you don’t like her – and I also assume that family gatherings are something you’d prefer not to avoid.) ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/28 "2004-11-28T17:22:22Z")
Maybe I’m just meaner than most people, but jeez, **LifeOnWry** , she sounds like a bitch. Long before I reached the point you have, I’d have either stopped inviting her to anything or told her in no uncertain terms to stop doing it or face consequences (like a severing of ties). I suggest you pick one; you can’t go wrong with either. Even nice people don’t have to put up with this kind of shit. ---
**Author:** ![Ninja\_Pizza\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f04885/32.png) [@Ninja\_Pizza\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ninja_Pizza_Guy)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/29 "2004-11-28T21:32:17Z")
> [@LifeOnWry](#): > > Just so’s you all know, my daughter did not hear my sister’s crack about her not wanting to play piano. > > The thing is, I’ve drawn the line in the sand. I’ve told her I won’t stand for it. At which point she laughs and says, “God, you’re so touchy! I was JUST KIDDING.” There is NO point in escalating the bullshit when she’s here - because again, it’s petty, piddly shit, and she has no fucking class, she’ll turn it into a scene. Confronting her privately is also not an option unless I want to start a family war. She will involve my mother (who is a whole 'nother nightmare) and frankly I am not up to it. > > I think avoidance, and gritting my teeth on the occasions when avoidance isn’t possible, is my only acceptable option. Oh, yeah, the “just kidding” defense. We all know, of course, that it’s not “just kidding” but trying to make something of it after that just makes you seem petty. OTOH, you could say something like this: “Just kidding? Repeatedly insulting me and my husband and worse, a **child** is a **joke** to you? Until you grow up, I’ll thank you to stay away from me and my family - I especially don’t want any trace of your infantile behavior to rub off on my child.” Or you could just cut loose on her and when (not if) she takes offense, say, “just kidding.” Of course, I **am** an asshole, so take this advice with a bag of salt. ---
**Author:** ![aaslatten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f14d63/32.png) [@aaslatten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aaslatten)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/30 "2004-11-28T21:49:31Z")
I think you ought to print this off and let her read it … if she can. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/31 "2004-11-28T22:01:33Z")
> [@Ninja Pizza Guy](#): > > Of course, I **am** an asshole, so take this advice with a bag of salt. Don’t hog all the salt, you asshole! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2004, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/32 "2004-11-28T22:12:21Z")
> [@aaslatten](#): > > I think you ought to print this off and let her read it … if she can. That’s not a bad idea, as long as any identifying information about this board is removed, so the sister doesn’t know where this thread is. I’m sure that the OP will agree that the _last_ thing she wants is for her toxic, bitter sister to join this board and, well, be all toxic here. (I’m thinking of the problems had with the recently-suspended **vanilla** , because she directed people to a thread where she ranted about them.) ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/33 "2004-11-29T00:23:48Z")
Y’all know me better than that. The last thing I want to do is inflict my sister on the unsuspecting and undeserving. I COULD be a bitch, but I don’t think it’s worth the effort. And, to be fair, I really only have to put up with her maybe four or five times a year. My biggest problem is I always expect her to behave “this time”, which is obviously not within her capabilities. I’m hoping that the next time we’re in the same room, I REMEMBER this and just stay off her radar. God knows there are enough people around generally that I should be able to put a cushion between us. Thanks, to all of you, for being supportive. I know you all must realize you’re only getting my side of the story - so double thanks for taking me at my word, too. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/34 "2004-11-29T07:03:51Z")
Well, I think we all know people like this, so it’s not hard to believe you at face value. Hang in there… ---
**Author:** ![MrFantsyPants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@MrFantsyPants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrFantsyPants)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/35 "2004-11-29T12:56:05Z")
> [@LifeOnWry](#): > > And it’s petty of me to let it bother me, but there you go. Confronting her is not an option - I know her well enough that any mention of it will only bring on more of the same. It’s best if I “rise above it”, if I ignore it and carry on. But dammit, it hurts my feelings, and I hate feeling that I ought to be defending myself, my kid, my husband and my lifestyle. I suspect she does it precisely becasue it does bother you. If you rise above it, you may find it intensifies until you can’t. Now understand: She is being a bitch. You don’t have to put up with it. if you want help figuring out how to deal with it, we’re here. ---
**Author:** ![Sami41](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c57346/32.png) [@Sami41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sami41)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/36 "2004-11-29T13:18:37Z")
Out of curiosity, how old is she? If she’s over 13 or so she should have grown out of that kind of behavior. Do her kid’s act like that, too? Nothing to add, but sorry about the situation. ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/37 "2004-11-29T21:48:55Z")
Every time she says something snarky just give her a big old bear hug and say “I love you, sis. What can I do to make you happy?” Could work. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/38 "2004-11-29T21:54:33Z")
> [@LifeOnWry](#): > > Just so’s you all know, my daughter did not hear my sister’s crack about her not wanting to play piano. That’s good. But I’m sure LilWry is not unaware of the tension. > [@](#): > > The thing is, I’ve drawn the line in the sand. I’ve told her I won’t stand for it. At which point she laughs and says, “God, you’re so touchy! I was JUST KIDDING.” There is NO point in escalating the bullshit when she’s here - because again, it’s petty, piddly shit, and she has no fucking class, she’ll turn it into a scene. Confronting her privately is also not an option unless I want to start a family war. She will involve my mother (who is a whole 'nother nightmare) and frankly I am not up to it. She sounds like a narcisstic passive-aggressive bitch to me, whose life is so miserable she has to stir the shit wherever she goes. > [@](#): > > I think avoidance, and gritting my teeth on the occasions when avoidance isn’t possible, is my only acceptable option. No, you don’t have to put up with this crap, especially if Dear Ol’ Mum is just as bad. There’s a reason I haven’t seen my mother in nearly 15 years. Just because they’re blood doesn’t mean they’re nice people. And life’s too short to put up with mean people. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/39 "2004-11-29T22:07:54Z")
It’s more than just not putting up with crap. It’s also about not letting yourself be a victim and setting that example for your daughter. I forgot to explain that what made our Thanksgiving so amazing is that there’ve been years when our family was struggling, people weren’t talking, etc. It’s been painful. Sometimes when you face the shit it enables you to move on and you can have a new relationship. Regardless of the outcome, laying it on the table and making demands is more honest than gritting your teeth and pretending. Personally I’m really opposed to that approach, at least with people you see frequently. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714/40 "2004-11-29T22:21:09Z")
I am generally a quiet person I used to just take things like that. Now I give em a big cup of shut the fuck up. Maybe I’m getting cranky in my old age. I won’t any crap from any one especially in my own house. Hear that Mom? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-my-sister/276714.md?page=3)