# To the boys in my dorm: **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 22, 2006, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465 "2006-03-22T18:48:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/61 "2006-03-22T23:58:13Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Not at all. I remember it very well, and I laugh, and laugh, and then laugh some more at the stupid shit I got myself all worked up over, and my complete inability to distinguish between \*actual \* intimacy and emotional involvment and simply inserting myself into whatever drama there was, because drama is fun. Can I use this explanation on my daughter. It sums up teenage years perfectly. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/62 "2006-03-23T00:14:36Z")
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya] Eh? Unless she can teleport from her dorm room to points unknown she’s got to face the possibility that she’ll encounter one of these bozos in a common area [\quote] Meh… she _likes_ these bozos. I suspect she enjoys the drama to some extent as well. After all, she’s befriended them and slept with one of them. Not a criminal act in itself, perhaps not well thought out but surely it goes to show that she seeks out their company. [QUOTE=Inigo Montoya] … and that such an encounter stands a pretty good chance of involving inebriation and generally impaired judgement of anindividual who is already demonstrating a deficit in this area. Ever done something…noncharacteristic…when you were under the influence? I know I have. [\quote] The OP doesn’t seem to indicate any level of fear for personal welfare. She may not like their bahaviour all that well, but I don’t get a sense of fear of any kind for herself. > [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > OP’s got a right to be concerned I think, but just maybe not for the reasons she thinks she ought to be. Money is being paid for her dorm room and her education. She shouln’t have to wonder who and what she’ll encounter on the other side of her door. Wasted friends exercising their God-given right to vomit on themselves in a public venue are one thing; townies, dealers, collectors paying visits–stuff I’ve personally seen–she didn’t sign up for and shouldn’t have to deal with. Here again, the OP didn’t introduce any type of fear or concern about drug dealers coming around to sell door to door or collect debts. Someone else did. Because, you know, where there’s smoke… > [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > It’s her business in that regard. Morally? Not so much. Some, but not so much. It’s her business to act in her own personal interest. I believe she is. She’ll soon realize she’s misread this bunch of miscreants and the bad boy thing has worn thin with her. She’s expressing her frustration at not being able to deal with it better and, I suspect a level of regret at having slept with “E”. I can only speculate he’s been a great disappointment to her since then in his behaviour towards her (not necesserily always under the influence). I think dorm living should not be viewed with rose coloured glasses. Yes, there are rules of conduct. But, college students being what they are, will use every opportunity to break those rules. That’s part of the entire experience and reality of dorm living. I don’t know of any college where this condition does not apply. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/63 "2006-03-23T00:19:00Z")
> [@](#): > > …They left their momma at home when they left for college and they really don’t need anyone else trying to step into the role… Actually, it’s a fair bet that they do. I’m sure there are exceptions, but for the most part, the college freshmen who crash and burn aren’t the ones who are all happy about being independent and having a blast now that they’re out from under parental control. They’re the ones who are _miserable_ being out on their own, in over their heads academically and personally, and they’re drinking themselves into oblivion because they don’t know any other way to stop being miserable. I stand by my suggestion that **monica** should alert the people who are trained to deal with this stuff if she feels comfortable doing so. Colleges WANT to keep these students from sliding through the cracks. That’s why they have RAs, counseling centers, and academic support staff. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/64 "2006-03-23T00:38:56Z")
C’mon, **Fretful** , that is an adult, reasoned point-of-view. The kids, they just want to get high. Why you gotta crash their buzz? If that was my son or my daughter spiraling out of control (which it could be in far too few years), the person alerting the RAs or couselors would be invited over for Thanksgiving and Christmas forevermore. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/65 "2006-03-23T00:45:53Z")
If it is this bad, where is the RA already? This stuff sounds like spiralling out of control substance abuse (and these sound like fairly well off kids-I am a doctor’s daughter, but I had a strict budget at college-nothing that would allow me to spend like these guys). IMO, the RA should already know, unless s/he is one of those useless RAs in name only that dotted my college time. I think she’s right to be concerned. I also think she needs to distance herself from this madness so that she doesn’t get sucked in. She can’t “save” anyone. She can tell them, one on one, that she would like to hang with him, but not if he’s drunk/high/passed out/puking. One or two might be ok with that or she could lose 4-5 friends in one blow. Not a great choice, but that’s life, I suppose. I think that some of them will settle down–then again, it is March, so this behavior is pretty well entrenched. ---
**Author:** ![threemae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f9b8f/32.png) [@threemae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/threemae)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/66 "2006-03-23T00:57:14Z")
Honestly, RA’s are pretty worthless for this situation (I am one). Beyond a nice little heart to heart about maybe stopping doing coke, that’s pretty much all they can do. If that’s what she wants and she thinks it will change things, go ahead and ask an RA for that. The only thing that, IMHO, you should do, **monica** is remove yourself from their social circle. Three years in the dorms have taught me a few things. First, there are a lot of stupid freshmen. Second, the stupidest and most obnoxious are the ones that feel that doing coke and tearing up halls for no particular reason. Third, the absolute most annoying freshmen are the women that feel they can change freshmen men. You fucked **E.** It turned out he was a dumbass. That probably won’t change. If it does change, it won’t be on our behest or nagging, so there’s no point in spending the effort. Find better friends, be more selective and get to know who you sleep with, and call the RA’s or cops when they’re drunk, racked out on coke, or generally being assholes. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/67 "2006-03-23T04:11:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Different means of taking cocaine can produce different adverse effects. Regularly snorting cocaine, for example, can lead to loss of sense of smell, nosebleeds, problems with swallowing, hoarseness, and a chronically runny nose. Ingesting cocaine can cause severe bowel gangrene due to reduced blood flow. People who inject cocaine can experience severe allergic reactions and, as with any injecting drug user, are at increased risk for contracting HIV and other blood-borne diseases. from [http://www.nida.nih.gov/Infofacts/cocaine.html](http://www.nida.nih.gov/Infofacts/cocaine.html) > [@](#): > > A powerfully addictive drug, cocaine usually makes the user feel euphoric and energetic. Common health effects include heart attacks, respiratory failure, strokes, and seizures. Large amounts can cause bizarre and violent behavior. In rare cases, sudden death can occur on the first use of cocaine or unexpectedly thereafter. from [http://www.nida.nih.gov/DrugPages/Cocaine.html](http://www.nida.nih.gov/DrugPages/Cocaine.html) Mmmm, yeah. I see your point. They’re just having a good time, let 'em be. :rolleyes: If I were in **monica’s** shoes, you’re damn right I would report them. Possessing and using drugs like cocaine is illegal. Just because you don’t agree with the law doesn’t mean you can ignore it. And finally, (I’m gonna get flamed.) [the number one reason not to do cocaine.](http://photo.itc.nps.gov/storage/images/officials/bush.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Ink\_a\_dink\_a\_dink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ec9cab/32.png) [@Ink\_a\_dink\_a\_dink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ink_a_dink_a_dink)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/68 "2006-03-23T04:43:07Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > I think Xanax is far more dangerous than cocaine, and I _really hate_ cocaine. Er, I think that’s a misconception, and I really LOVED cocaine. Cocaine can kill you taking it once. Xanax doesn’t. Unless you’re allergic. Inky ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/69 "2006-03-23T04:44:54Z")
Yeah, pot’s one thing, but coke? What about that news anchor a few years ago who, because of years of snorting, ended up with just one big nostril? ---
**Author:** ![Janx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Janx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Janx)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/70 "2006-03-23T05:19:54Z")
You know what **Monica** , it’s really, really hard to live with people who don’t care about themselves as much as you care about them. At some point, you just gotta say “Ok – that’s your way”, take a powder, split, move out, BE GONE. It doesn’t have to be all dramatic, and they probably wont see what the deal is any way if you were to bother to explain. Just make your case if you want to, and MOVE ON. Don’t let them drag you down with the ship! When it’s all said and done, the ones that matter will be in touch, the ones that don’t, won’t. That’s just the way of things. If you are just in college now, trust me, life is long - and in a very short time, this is just going to be a memory. In time you will catch yourself saying things like “I remember back in college”, and “I knew this guy once who…” but now is the time to be real selfish about your OWN future and what YOU need. Screw this. **Get the hell out of there**. At some point, you only have so much time for people who are too fucked up to realize what they are doing to themselves… Let them have at it. It’s not your problem. It IS a problem, to be sure, but you have so much more to look forward to, don’t let this drag you down, don’t let this color YOUR future. Don’t let this be YOUR problem – because it’s NOT. I vote. Walk away. Fuck ‘em! Walk away, concentrate on your studies, and go on to live a long and happy, productive life. God knows you have enough on your plate right now to be worried about this shit. ---
**Author:** ![threemae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f9b8f/32.png) [@threemae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/threemae)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/71 "2006-03-23T05:29:57Z")
Well said, **Janx**. ---
**Author:** ![Janx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Janx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Janx)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/72 "2006-03-23T06:58:54Z")
The OP posed a situation, then the whole thread degraded into weather or not “Drugs is a good thing or a bad thing” and “Here is what I think about drugs” - and silly behavior in general. Sheesh! What a crock of shit! The OP was pitting a REAL situation. I read it as “What am I gonna do!” Some harsh words, so the OP was where it belonged. But I don’t think the ensuing opinions helped her much, as evidenced by her utter lack of participation in the thread she started. In fact I saw the whole thing degrade into a debate about how one should or should not behave when confronted with a situation that a lot of posters seem to believe is “normal”. I see a bunch of excuses, I see a bunch of BS answers from people who THINK they know what the OP is all about, and I see some down right detrimental advice. But I only see a very small seed that really answers the question. Poor kid. Yep, that sucks. I agree. It sucks. Here is what I would do, and I would never take this behavior to be normal, and I certainly would never take most of the BS that I have read above as serious advice – or even a reflection of reality. It’s her trip. She can do what she wants. But since she asked? I still say… Walk away. Take care of your own life. The others will come around, some day - or they will not. It is not YOU, nor is it your problem. You just be the best ONE that you can be. The rest will take care of itself. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/73 "2006-03-23T07:35:01Z")
I can’t imagine what some of the folks who’ve posted here think of the TV show “Intervention”… ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/74 "2006-03-23T07:37:50Z")
Monica, I’ve been in their shoes. I did not want or need anyone to “correct” my behavior for me. I did it on my own. It’s the only way anyone does, and everyone needs their own time & space. When my peers at school started criticizing me for it, I **resented** it and pushed them away. When my parents found out and also criticized me for it (much more heavily) in the name of “caring about me” I **resented** it even more and pushed them away. When I got arrested, and effectively criticized and punished by “the system” for it, one of the first things I did when I got home was to roll up and smoke a big fat blunt. I **hated** the cops, the courts, everyone. Everyone loves to judge a drug-user. At this point, I became very, very alone. Utterly. Frigidly. Alone. And you know what? It was only then that I decided to make a change, and I **know** I sure as hell wasn’t doing it for anyone but me. I know that because I didn’t **care** about anyone but me. And I know you, and the myriad of others who try to intervene in people’s lives for this may think “Oh, they may act like they resent it now but they will thank me later when they’re clean”. No. No. Absolutely, No. I have been clean a long time and the wounds from that time still are not fully healed. And I know I have no one to thank but myself. Your judgemets are pushing your “friends” deeper into a world of pain than you can imagine. I hope for their sake they are very strong. ---
**Author:** ![Janx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Janx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Janx)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/75 "2006-03-23T08:24:28Z")
\*\* Rigamarole\*\*, With all due respect, we are not talking about you. The OP was asking about how she would deal with people like you. She doesn’t seem to know. It is no doubt a significant thing that you got over it, but her friends have yet to reach your level. Telling her that you are fine after all is a good thing, but in the end, how does it help her OUT of her situation? Good for you! Now give the OP some advice! What would you do if you were her? And where is she any way? ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/76 "2006-03-23T08:31:50Z")
> [@Janx](#): > > \*\* Rigamarole\*\*, > > With all due respect, we are not talking about you. The OP was asking about how she would deal with people like you. She doesn’t seem to know. It is no doubt a significant thing that you got over it, but her friends have yet to reach your level. Telling her that you are fine after all is a good thing, but in the end, how does it help her OUT of her situation? Good for you! Now give the OP some advice! > > What would you do if you were her? > > And where is she any way? Uh, well my point was, I would leave them alone. I told my story so that she (and others) can understand what it’s like to be on their side of the fence. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/77 "2006-03-23T09:50:03Z")
> [@Greathouse](#): > > Doesn’t matter. None of it is anybody else’s business. When does someone else’s behavior become your business, then? I would assume never, given your strong stance. For instance, if you were married and your spouse was doing hard drugs, your statements would be equally valid. You could divorce, walk away, if you were unhappy with it. So your spouse behavior is none of your business, either. Are there any situation where you think that the destructive behavior of someone you care for is your business? If there are, where do you draw the line and why? ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/78 "2006-03-23T09:58:19Z")
I’m just curious about the cocaine use. Is this for real, that college students doing coke is unremarkable? I never knew anyone in college who could afford a cocaine habit, and I went to a fairly wealthy school. And IME, habitual cocaine users are pains in the ass at best, and psychos at worst. **monica** , do they have sustained habits, or did they just try it to see what it was like and you’re panicking without knowing if they did it a second time? As for the rest of it…well, I was a huge pothead in college, and quite honestly, I’ve never understood people who take a rigid stance against weed because it’s OMG A DRUG, yet have no problem with drinking underage. The acid and so forth is a slightly different matter. Because of my epilepsy, I cannot do acid, mushrooms, Ecstasy or anything along those lines, and I did often feel left out when others did so, or talked about it afterwards. But luckily, my friends and I were close enough and communicated well enough that when I told them how I felt, they agreed to give me advance notice if they were going to trip (which wasn’t often), so I found other things to do that day (or night), and they refrained from making “you don’t know what you’re missing” remarks afterwards. There was one friend who I had to cut off because of his drug use, but that’s just what I did: cut him off. Just told him, “Jim, I can’t deal with you any more because you’re in a friggin’ other universe.” And surprisingly, he came around eventually, of his own volition. My point is, someone who doesn’t partake, but knows all the details of what other people are doing, and squeaks and wrings their hands about it, sounds like someone who wants to be at the party, but can only function in the role of chaperone. And **askeptic** , where did you go to college, Brigham Young? **whole bean** : > [@](#): > > but didn’t you hear man, they’re only criminals because their conduct was criminalized\* otherwise, they’re fucking altar boys. the opportunity costs of living a life of crime have actually attracted the best and the brightest – or so I hear. > > \*seriously, one of the stupdest things I’ve seen written in a while --isn’t this rule universal to all criminal conduct or is there some way for conduct to be criminal without having first been criminalized? IMO, drug use in and of itself is illegal but not immoral. If it were not illegal, people wouldn’t do immoral things in the course of buying and selling it. Using it, yeah, maybe. But it’s different from, say, murder, which is always immoral. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/79 "2006-03-23T10:59:23Z")
**Monica** - deal with the issues that are actually causing you grief- which is not their drug use and partying, but your response to their behaviour. Go to whatever student mental health service you college has, and ask for help to deal with your stress (presumably this _is_ making you stressed). The people there should be able to give you some advice about what you can do to preserve your own mental health. Apart from that- disconnect yourself from these guys. Don’t go out with them, don’t study with them, don’t hang out with them. Don’t let their dramas become your dramas. It is not your responsibility to protect them, educate them or save them from themselves. Seriously, if they aren’t willing to take responsibility for themselves yet (and within all likelihood they’ll do what most people who do drugs and drink too much in college do, and grow out of it),it is not your problem. Don’t allow it to become your problem. Seriously- I’m Irish, I know _all_ about heavy drinking and people taking too many drugs in college, just let them get on with it, it’s better for _you_ in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/80 "2006-03-23T13:33:49Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > Uh, well my point was, I would leave them alone. I told my story so that she (and others) can understand what it’s like to be on their side of the fence. And I know drug abusers and alcoholics who were **glad** that somebody stepped in and said, “You’re ruining your life,” and thank them to this very day. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465.md?page=5)