# To the boys in my dorm: **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 22, 2006, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465 "2006-03-22T18:48:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/81 "2006-03-23T13:41:17Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > And I know drug abusers and alcoholics who were **glad** that somebody stepped in and said, “You’re ruining your life,” and thank them to this very day. So, you’re saying that different people might respond differently to certain external stimuli, and that human interaction isn’t one size fits all? Geddouttahere. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/82 "2006-03-23T14:30:09Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > And yet, the majority of students somehow manage to balance their studies with some partying and the occasional bender of one kind or another. Some even don’t get wild at all. Just study. > > You see, people make choices and they are definitely old enough to make these choices,d pay for their mistakes and even learn from them. > > No matter how I try, and perhaps the failing is mine, I can’t seem to parse the OP any differently than, “Woe is me. Notice me, I’m a martyr trying to save these poor witless boys from themselves.” > > It’s the classic girl who like the bad boys but wants to save them too. At many universities, especially the big states ones, upwards of 40% or more of Freshman flunk out for good. So it’s not like “most people” who are college freshman actually get through college just fine. That’s not to say their life is fucked up, lots of people probably shouldn’t go to college in the first place and will do fine without a college education. Maybe your description of the OP is accurate. But either way I think her concern is admirable. Too many people on this forum seem to be espousing the idea that if someone is engaging in potentially destructive behavior, any attempts to try and stop that makes you a school marm or some sort of overbearing anti-drug activist. I have a lot of friends that didn’t make it past freshman year and after 20 years of hard work, taking classes every once in awhile, finally got their undergraduate degree. I’m willing to be almost every one of them wishes they had a friend who fought for them back when they were freshman and kept them in school for their four years back then. Sometimes being a good friend involves **making** things your business. And sometimes this exact situation really could just be a few people partying and the OP is taking it too seriously. I had a few friends that were very anti-alcohol and felt that any drinking = complete ruination of your life when I was younger. And I think their position is just as stupid and invalid as the position that “nothing bad is going to happen no matter what, and you should just shut the hell up because I’m a druggie and don’t like it when people even suggest that could ever be a bad thing.” ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/83 "2006-03-23T14:47:54Z")
**Monica** , go to counseling services as someone else has said. I work at a college counseling center and I will tell you that you don’t have to reveal your friends’ names if you don’t want to. Even better, why don’t you see if you can get reassigned to another floor and just get out of the situation? I know you’re at an age where it’s more fun to be in the drama (what someone said about mistaking inserting yourself into the drama for intimacy couldn’t be more true of college freshmen), but you could just ask for quieter floor and be done with it. By next year it’ll be like you never knew these boys. ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/84 "2006-03-23T14:53:31Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Are there any situation where you think that the destructive behavior of someone you care for is your business? If there are, where do you draw the line and why? Family. You can try to intervene for family. That includes lifelong friends who are as close as family. Someone you’ve known for a few years as a buddy? Nope. None of your business. Drop them and move on if it bothers you so much. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/85 "2006-03-23T15:07:38Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Not at all. I remember it very well, and I laugh, and laugh, and then laugh some more at the stupid shit I got myself all worked up over, and my complete inability to distinguish between \*actual \* intimacy and emotional involvment and simply inserting myself into whatever drama there was, because drama is fun. This is, I think, the best thing I have ever read on this board. You have beautifully summarized what it was to be emotionally immature. May I quote this? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/86 "2006-03-23T15:14:13Z")
> [@irishgirl](#): > > …just let them get on with it, it’s better for _you_ in the long run. You’re E-vil! Do you have any idea how hot that is? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/87 "2006-03-23T15:14:36Z")
> [@Greathouse](#): > > Family. You can try to intervene for family. That includes lifelong friends who are as close as family. Someone you’ve known for a few years as a buddy? Nope. None of your business. Drop them and move on if it bothers you so much. And we all have to follow your rules about who we can care about, how much, and in what way we can intervene in their lives? And why exactly are your opinions here more valid than someone who thinks they should care about and try to help close friends that they _haven’t_ known their entire lives? Many people fall in love and get married within a matter of months. So I don’t think there’s anything to support the idea that for some reason we can only care about people if 1) they happen to share some genetic material with us, or 2) we’ve known them some arbitrary number of years. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/88 "2006-03-23T15:46:42Z")
Butt out, **Monica**. Despite your having bumped uglies with at least one of them, it’s not your business what they do with teir time and money. Nor is it your business whether or not they ever graduate. You are at school to get _your_ diploma and you should be concentrating on that goal. Just as these boys probably aren’t there entirely on their own dime, I’ll bet you aren’t either. Your parents aren’t footing some/all of that expense so that you can make yourself a part of this drama. ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/89 "2006-03-23T16:28:51Z")
> [@Martin Hyde](#): > > And we all have to follow your rules about who we can care about, how much, and in what way we can intervene in their lives? The question that I was asked, and that I was responding to was: > [@clairobscure](#): > > Are there any situation where **you think** that the destructive behavior of someone **you care for** is **your business**? If there are, where do **you** draw the line and why? I even bolded the important parts for you. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/90 "2006-03-23T17:36:49Z")
And **you think** that **monica** should simply butt out. That’s just what **you think**. Why is it that her opinion carries no weight, but yours is binding upon her? ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/91 "2006-03-23T17:49:08Z")
**Monica’s** first responsibility is to herself. Looking after other people (especially when they’re not grateful or appreciative of your help) takes a lot of time and effort and causes sleepless nights, stress and anxiety. If she has broached the subject with these guys (and it does sound like she has) and has got a brush-off, then she needs to distance herself _for her own sake._ Give them information and tell them you’re there for them if they want to straighten out, but DO NOT involve yourself in enabling their bad behaviour by being there to pick up the pieces. Do not enable their bad behaviour by making them feel that continuing it is some sort of cool rebellion. Do not enabe their bad behaviour by nagging at them so much that they stop listening to everything you have to say. **JThunder** the alcoholics and addicts who are grateful for help were in the mental and emotional place where they were willing to listen… **monica’s** friends don’t seem like they are in that place. If she keeps on nagging at these guys when they don’t want to hear what she is saying it will be like banging her head against a brick wall- painful for her, amusing for on-lookers, but ultimately pointless. So, my advice isn’t about helping these guys, it’s about helping **monica**. Because the last thing she needs is to flunk out herself because all her time and effort is expended on people who don’t want it. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/92 "2006-03-23T18:03:15Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Yeah, pot’s one thing, but coke? What about that news anchor a few years ago who, because of years of snorting, ended up with just one big nostril? A little late I’m afraid, but the best known UK example was [Daniella Westbrook](http://www.evilgerald.com/Issues/Issue5/story1.htm) (septum now restored by surgery). ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/93 "2006-03-23T18:16:35Z")
> [@Dead Cat](#): > > A little late I’m afraid, but the best known UK example was [Daniella Westbrook](http://www.evilgerald.com/Issues/Issue5/story1.htm) (septum now restored by surgery). Yep, that’s the one. God, that’s fucking nasty. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/94 "2006-03-23T18:39:32Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > This is, I think, the best thing I have ever read on this board. You have beautifully summarized what it was to be emotionally immature. May I quote this? You like me! You really like me!!! _wipes away a single tear_ You’re too kind. Please be my guest. **D\_Odds** , feel free to tell it to your daughter, but don’t expect it to make a difference. Mine is going on fifteen, and I keep trying to tell her that in ten years, she’s gonna think I’m a freakin’ genius. But for now, I accept the rolling eyes, and realize that I only know all this because I lived through the stupid years. ---
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/95 "2006-03-23T18:41:42Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > I’m just curious about the cocaine use. Is this for real, that college students doing coke is unremarkable? I never knew anyone in college who could afford a cocaine habit, and I went to a fairly wealthy school. And IME, habitual cocaine users are pains in the ass at best, and psychos at worst. **monica** , do they have sustained habits, or did they just try it to see what it was like and you’re panicking without knowing if they did it a second time? One of the girls who hangs out with them is friends with a dealer in a city about an hour away, and visits him frequently- since then, he’s loaned her a car, taken her shopping, and given her a pretty good amount of coke (I don’t even want to think about what she’s doing in return for all this), which she’s so far been pretty generous about sharing with the boys. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/96 "2006-03-23T18:44:05Z")
I see. Well, when that connection gets static-y, I highly recommend you watch your back. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/97 "2006-03-23T18:44:19Z")
If she’s being generous with it, then I assure you she’s not doing anything terribly strenuous to get it. Are they getting it exclusively from her? Because if so, they don’t have that much of a problem, IMO. You know it’s becoming a problem when you find yourself willing to pay for it, whether you can afford it or not. ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/98 "2006-03-23T18:59:20Z")
**Rigamarole** Man I don’t know you from Adam’s housecat, and maybe your post just came out wrong, but you contradicted the hell out of yourself and sounded terribly self-centered in the process. you said: > [@](#): > > When my peers at school started criticizing me for it, I **resented** it and pushed them away. > > When my parents found out and also criticized me for it (much more heavily) in the name of “caring about me” I **resented** it even more and pushed them away. > > When I got arrested, and effectively criticized and punished by “the system” for it, one of the first things I did when I got home was to roll up and smoke a big fat blunt. I **hated** the cops, the courts, everyone. > > Everyone loves to judge a drug-user. At this point, I became very, very alone. Utterly. Frigidly. Alone. see, we call that a cause, because this > [@](#): > > I decided to make a change is an effect. You yourself said it, as a result of the efforts of your friends, family and the courts you were driven away until you eventually hit the lonely bottom where [you think] you were responsible for all of your changes, but had your freinds, family, or the law not come down on you, you would have had no “cause” to change. See how it works? ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/99 "2006-03-23T19:10:50Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > And **you think** that **monica** should simply butt out. That’s just what **you think**. Why is it that her opinion carries no weight, but yours is binding upon her? I never said it was. And yes, that is what **I** think. Someone up thread told her to go talk to an RA about it. I stated my opinion disagreeing with that advice. I never claimed that she was morally obligated to do what I said to do. I did say that more people should mind their own business, but that is obviously an opinion and not a directive. I just disagree with the advice of getting involved. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465/100 "2006-03-23T19:20:16Z")
> [@Greathouse](#): > > Family. You can try to intervene for family. That includes lifelong friends who are as close as family. Someone you’ve known for a few years as a buddy? Nope. None of your business. Drop them and move on if it bothers you so much. If you care for them, you’re not going to want to drop them… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-boys-in-my-dorm/349465.md?page=6)