That’s awesome.
“I had a paper route. I could go to 42 houses…or ONE DUMPSTER!”
- Mitch Hedberg
Is the past tense of “stove” “stove” ?
I’m just askin’…
No, silly. The past tense of “stove” is “campfire.” The future tense of “stove” is “microwave.”
I LOVE THIS BOARD!
Yes, but the present tense is “stave.”
I got tears.
Would that make the past present perfect tense " staved", as in, " I staved off the need to get a new stove" ?
Oh, I’m dyin’ here!
This is a good thread for me to read, because I have a constant compulsion to steal papers when I walk the dog. I don’t even read the paper. I just SEE it and I want to TAKE it. It’s sick, I know. However, unlike the scalawag bedevilling the lyrically-gifted Cartooniverse, I’ve never ever done it. Honest. I told my girlfriend about it, though, and for xmas, peeking out of my stocking was a subscription to the Sunday paper. I am cured. My little Crime Preventer!
There’s your answer. Print the thread, attach it to the paper, and you’ll get woken up by the laughter.
If you had access to one of those massive inkjet plotter printers and the right kind of paper, it might be nice to mock up a fake front page for your newspaper, with a huge bold headline “Mystery person brutally slaughtered for stealing newspaper”
Oh shit, that’s good. I can top that.
I am VERY good friends with people on the editorial staff of our paper. The Editor In Chief died suddenly in January, and well, it’s just sucked for the lot of us. ( Upon reflection I realize it sucks more for our dead friend than for us. ) Every year, they’d doll up a front page and fill it with faux articles JUST for Mike’s birthday and deliver it to his front door. It was quite an effort actually, and the cost was something- they’d do maybe a dozen or two, so everyone in on the gag got one that year. The beautiful thing was that the Publisher was so deeply supportive of Mike and dedicated to the same just causes that the ( considerable ) cost of doing this joke every year was completely covered and out in the open- Publisher loved it, was in on it and paid for it.
Nice.
I wonder what the other front page articles would be?
" Mass graves found on quiet country road. "
" Paper cuts cause infections, painful death. "
" Ink from newspapers linked to Sudden Newspaper Theft Death Syndrome."
" Moral compass points straight to small town thefts. "
No, I think he was saying that women in the state of New York are a law unto themselves.
I gave advice on that some time ago, to someone on the board who kept getting his mailbox knocked down. Solution:
[ul][li]Get two mailboxes, one small enough to fit inside the other one with space still around it. Also, get a heavy steel or iron pipe, the kind with a flange that accepts bolts for perpendicular mounting.[/li][li]Run some bolts through the bottom of the large mailbox, leaving them sticking out for later mounting to your steel pole.[/li][li]Remove the door of the smaller mailbox.[/li][li]Put the smaller mailbox inside the larger one and fill the space in between with concrete. Allow to harden.[/li][li]Mount mailbox on steel pole using the previously-installed bolts. If possible, also fill the pole with concrete. The pole, needless to say, should be set in the ground in some suitably permanent fashion.[/ul][/li]
And there you have it: a concrete mailbox that looks quite ordinary from the outside. The mailman will open the door of the big mailbox and put the mail in the doorless inner mailbox, so no problems with the mail. But anyone striking the box will face the kind of rejection that only a couple hundred pounds of solid rock can convey.
That would be brilliant. If would probably unnerve the thief so much thinking that They are watching the thieving would stop.
Deface the front page with a marker so it says “Now you’re on video, thief.”
I think my friend St. Urho and I have a different interpretation of the slang phrase " po-po". It is not a slag on police officers. Here in New York and likely other areas, it is a fairly crude euphemism for a female’s external genitalia.
And my god yes, women in the state of New York are a law unto themselves. Hell, they’re a Grand Jury unto themselves !! 
Swallowed My Cellphone, it is rather tempting to pull that off. Probably a lot of fun to try to doll up a fake front page and color xerox it.
Oddly, since I started this thread, none of my newspapers have been stolen.
This raises the somewhat unnerving possibility that there are other Dopers in my small town, and one of them *** lives down the block from me !!*** :eek: :eek:
That implies that there are Dopers who would steal a newspaper if they had no other way of obtaining one.
I certainly would.
Yes, but would you return it when you were done?
Apparently, yes.
My paper was stolen this morning.
At around 3:45 I looked as I pulled into the driveway. There was a copy of The Chicago Reader in it’s place.
:eek: :eek: :eek:
Blimey! Whatever did I leave in Cecil’s mailbox?
An excellent bird cage lining I hear. Or beating the dog. You get my drift .
I KNEW IT! This OP was just a tease. . .no happy endings, no massages, nothin’.
Speaking of that, weren’t you the one with the bad neighbor moving out? Did a better neighbor move in? Or is that a cliff hanger too?