# To the pigfucker that decided he wanted my bike.. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 16, 2001, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572 "2001-05-16T05:02:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Timban](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Timban](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Timban)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/1 "2001-05-16T05:02:53Z")
Hey you! Yeah, you, the worthless little sheetstain that pilfered my only set of wheels. What the hell were you thinking when you cut the cable and took MY bike, asshead? I mean, sure, it was a fairly decent ride, and it had a shiny new bigass cargo basket, and it looked new, but that’s probably because I just bought the fuckin’ thing, nutsweat! I only owned the goddamned thing for a couple of months, but I’d also already gotten good and fucking used to having it around. It was nice being able to travel on my own whim, but you’ve put me back on the bus, you self-absorbed prick… You wanna add some insult to my injury? I live in the southeast side of the city… I was in the northeast side… I biked a good 30km to get to that mall, you little puke… Yep, so far away from home, and you steal my wheels. Thank the gods for transit, or I’d have a taxi bill to stuff down your annoying little gullet. I close my eyes, and I can see you in my mind’s eye, standing there grinning like a ditzy little punk… a stupid “I don’t care about anyone but me” grin plastered across your face, showing me all those nice, shiny teeth I’d love to break… alas, I know I will probably never see you, nor will the police or mall security ever find my bike. You’ve gotten away, you’ve won this time… But I fear not. Karma will strike hard, and to me, it would be sweet to see. Maybe you’ll ride MY bike out in front of the C-Train, or perhaps you’ve discovered the loose seat the hard way, and gotten dumped into oncoming traffic. It’s just too bad I left you my helmet, locked onto my bike, to afford you a slight bit of protection, but perhaps that helmet won’t do against the grill of a semi, eh? Bad juju aside, you’ve taught me a lesson. You’ve shown me the error of feeling safe in locking my property to a rack, and you’ve shown me that I can get some mean satisfaction by taking the holding pins out of my front wheel, from now on. Go on, take it now… see how far you go, hmmm? (Ah, that feels better. Even though he’ll never read it, man that feels better. Death to your enemies! …even if it’s only in your mind. Hehe.) ~Timban ---
**Author:** ![donnie\_rotten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/71e660/32.png) [@donnie\_rotten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/donnie_rotten)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/2 "2001-05-16T07:39:52Z")
I so feel your pain. Actually, someone stole my Gripshifts off my bike, but I don’t know what I’d do if someone stole my ride. Bike thieves are the lowest form of scum on the planet. Actually, if and when you get a new ride, check out this site: [http://www.northpoledesign.com](http://www.northpoledesign.com) They make stickers called BAD KARMA TO BIKE THIEVES and while it might not stop someone from ripping off your bike, it will raise awareness of the problem, one that non-riders don’t take very seriously. I could recommend some locks, too, ones that are thief-proof… ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/3 "2001-05-16T14:33:07Z")
I use a heavy 8’ long, 3/4" urethane-coated cable, strung through the frame in two place, and through both wheels, all secured with a Navy-surplus high-security lock. It adds 9 pounds to my ride, but I’ve never been ripped off in the 17 years of using this combo. May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses. ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/4 "2001-05-16T15:48:07Z")
**Tranquilis** , you forgot the rest of that curse… May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses _that are growing in a bed of sharp, pointy rocks, jagged glass shards, and rusty nails and railroad spikes. That several dogs just peed in. Twice. On fire._ There. That is more like it. ---
**Author:** ![Balduran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cc9497/32.png) [@Balduran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balduran)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/5 "2001-05-16T16:01:10Z")
Man, I almost went ballistic when someone stole the quick release screw for my seat (I carried the seat with me). I can’t imagine how I’d feel if they’d taken the whole bike. Really sorry bud. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/6 "2001-05-16T16:14:17Z")
Sorry you lost a good bike, **Timban**. At least you had it during the transit strike, eh? Have you heard about the police bike auction that happens every summer here in Calgary? It might have happened already, but from what I’ve heard, it is a good way to get a cheap bike. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/7 "2001-05-16T16:20:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by particlewill \* > \*\ ***Tranquilis** , you forgot the rest of that curse… > May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses _that are growing in a bed of sharp, pointy rocks, jagged glass shards, and rusty nails and railroad spikes. That several dogs just peed in. Twice. On fire._ > There. That is more like it. \*\* Har…! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/8 "2001-05-16T16:23:17Z")
As far as I can tell the best way to lock a bike is with a cable _and_ a U-lock, because theives may have something to break the lock, and they may have bolt cutters, but it is unlikely that they will have both. Or even morelikely figure it isn’t worth the time to work both locks. ---
**Author:** ![waterj2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/858c86/32.png) [@waterj2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/waterj2)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/9 "2001-05-16T16:28:34Z")
This reminds me of the two day span irony decided to fuck with me. First day, get a flat on my rear tire. Lock my bike up, take a bus to a bike shop, buy a tube (30 seconds before it closed), take a bus back to the bike, and replace the tube. Fill it up at a gas station. Thank God for being in a city and for the existance of quick release levers. Next day, lock bike up outside book store for 20 minutes. Front wheel gets stolen. Curse God for being in a city and for the existance of quick release levers. Have always used two locks since then. ---
**Author:** ![Timban](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Timban](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Timban)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/10 "2001-05-16T16:42:38Z")
Hey guys, thanks for the replies… mostly did it to vent, but good discussion tends to come from Pit rants around here… donnie: Thanks for the link, definitely. Apparently here in Calgary, there’s been alot of bike thefts lately. Every morning in the Sun, I read of at least one or two… it’s what they’re covering, these days. Hell, a couple of the ones I’ve read about happened right near where I live, beside a Canadian Tire down the street… Bleh. And recommendations on locks would be appreciated, too. I was just using a $40 cable lock, can’t even remember who made it right now. Tranq: Nine pounds of lock… that’s what I should have been using, eh? 🙂 I tended to thread my lock through the front wheel and frame, and take off the seat and thread it there, too… It’s just too bad yours and Particle’s curse won’t work anytime soon… bike had damned good brakes, IMO. Feather: Hey, you’re local, cool. 🙂 Yeah, the transit strike is what prompted me to get that ride… Got tired of walking everywhere, and not being able to go around town freely. Once the strike ended, I felt pretty independant of the system, so I just rode everywhere I went. Yesterday’s ride was from Southland Drive to downtown, then out to Sunridge Mall where the bike got pinched, via the trail by the Zoo and Max Bell. Long ride, but I like that kind of thing. I was ready to ride home, when I left the mall. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/11 "2001-05-16T16:57:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Miskatonic \* > \*\*…theives may have something to break the lock, and they may have bolt cutters… > \*\* That’s why I use such heavy cable and locks: You’d need God’s own bolt cutters, and the lock can’t be broken with anything short of a burning bar. Thay’re heavy, and cost a fair bit, but I’ve not needed to replace them in 17 years. The thief that prompted me to that extreme, cut through an early U-lock, and left the broken pieces on the ground where my bike used to be. Not likely to happen again. ---
**Author:** ![Morrison\_s\_Lament](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Morrison\_s\_Lament](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morrison_s_Lament)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/12 "2001-05-16T18:00:09Z")
So… Did you find any actual evidence of sexual relations between a man and a pig at the scene of the crime, and if you did, how do you know it was the same man? Were there traces of any other animals being molested? 😃 _runs, dodging flying bike pumps and locks_ — G. Raven p.s. I’m really sorry about the bike though. Really am. ---
**Author:** ![Timban](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Timban](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Timban)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/13 "2001-05-16T18:41:21Z")
> [@](#): > > Did you find any actual evidence of sexual relations between a man and a pig at the scene of the crime, and if you did, how do you know it was the same man? Were there traces of any other animals being molested? Maybe I did… :eek: … Okay, so I didn’t. 🙂 Just another colorful adjective to spew forth in fine rant form. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Baroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/76d3ee/32.png) [@Billy\_Baroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Baroo)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/14 "2001-05-16T19:10:24Z")
Ugh that’s terrible. The sad truth is you can’t buy a nice bike when you live in a city unless you or someone like a security guard at your office can always have an eye on it. A resourceful thief can get by any lock, even the U locks. They can freeze them and break them with a hammer, for instance. When my bike was stolen I got the added aggravation of having the thieves joyride the damn thing right past me as I was forlornly walking home. Never have I experienced such exquisite, helpless rage and bloodlust. I even fell and skinned my knees and arms when I was trying to chase the fucking punks down. Karma? It may be a comforting concept, but there is no such thing. Karma is simply justice without the satisfaction. And there is no justice. ---
**Author:** ![Timban](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Timban](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Timban)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/15 "2001-05-16T21:12:15Z")
Yeah, it really sucked. And you’re right, buying a nice bike is apparently just asking for it, especially if you don’t buy enough lock to go with it. Not that locks are a cure-all. When I first left the mall and didn’t see my bike, it was really surreal… I thought I had the wrong exit… I walked around and made sure I was in the right place, then I made another pass just to be sure. Eventually, though, it really hits you, like, “Oh… FUCK!” Luckily, I didn’t have to watch my bike go by. Lucky for the thief, too. If I had, he would’ve been dodging bricks, stones, whatever I could hurl at his head. Nonetheless, that had to suck more than anything out there, and I’m sorry to hear about that ☹ Karma exists… it’s out there, just not in the extreme form that I dream on this thief. If nothing else, it’s a comforting little fantasy to picture him getting the shit end of a stick someday… But you’re right about justice. There’s no justice for shit like this. Unfortunately, they tend to get away. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2001, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/16 "2001-05-16T23:42:41Z")
I really hate when someone steals or vandalizes part of your bike. I’ve had someone steal my front wheel, my seat, my headlight, my tire patch kit. One time someone broke my brake levers, and another time someone put a padlock on my spokes so the wheel wouldn’t turn properly. Having the whole bike get stolen is more expensive to replace, but having to carry your bike home is a real pain in the ass. My choice for locks is a Kryptonite U lock, because it comes with a $1000 insurance policy if someone breaks the lock. I also “uglified” my bike by putting a bunch of band stickers on it to hide the brand name and make it look cheaper than it is. ---
**Author:** ![zyzzyva](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@zyzzyva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zyzzyva)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2001, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/17 "2001-05-17T03:03:51Z")
the above line is one of my all-time favorite stickers. I had a bike stolen once. Unlike you, i was a total idiot and didn’t even lock the thing as i ran into a corner store for a drink. _smacks forehead_ The good news is that, about a month later, the guy that ended up with the bike (dunno if he was the thief or not) took it in for repairs… at the shop where i not only bought it, but where several of my riding buddies worked. They recognized it right away and confiscated it. The only repairs needed were new cables and a tune up. Since then, i’ve always kept my bikes locked with a Krypto. The one i use (Evolution 2000) can’t be broken with bolt cutters, or much of anything else short of the jaws of life. Krypto also makes the New York lock, which seems to require a hydrogen bomb to get through. You can find good tips for locking a bike [here](http://www.missinglink.org/pages/lock.html). ---
**Author:** ![Timban](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Timban](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Timban)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2001, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/18 "2001-05-17T05:18:36Z")
> [@](#): > > Since then, i’ve always kept my bikes locked with a Krypto. The one i use (Evolution 2000) can’t be broken with bolt cutters, or much of anything else short of the jaws of life. Krypto also makes the New York lock, which seems to require a hydrogen bomb to get through. After having this happen, the New York lock’s looking more and more tempting… from the webpage, _the only lock that Kryptonite guarantees within the confines of manhattan_ - that makes it really tempting. 🙂 A good webpage, thanks for pointing it out. As an aside, when does one lose the newbie status, eh? =) ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2001, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/19 "2001-05-17T05:48:07Z")
I just wanted to come in and applaud your good usage of the word “pigfucker”. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2001, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572/20 "2001-05-17T14:02:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zyzzyva \* > \*\* > You can find good tips for locking a bike [here](http://www.missinglink.org/pages/lock.html). \*\* I love the last bit of advice they give on that link: > [@](#): > > Never leave your bike outside overnight. Eat your vegetables, lube your chain, call your parents and tell them that you love them… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/to-the-pigfucker-that-decided-he-wanted-my-bike/65572.md?page=2)