Best method of all:
Take dump. Servant wipes, washes, and towel-dries your ass. Overseer who was monitoring servant to make sure he does it right then drives servant into wilderness, never to be seen again. Overseer picks new servant to wait til your next dump. You get perfectly clean, unclean servant is disposed of, overseer stays clean so you can keep using him, and clean replacement servant is provided for next time.
Exactly.
Go into your average public restroom. Now go into a stall. Now pull down your pants, have a seat, and do what you came to do. Now wipe yourself clean with your hand.
Now what, Ahab?
You’ve got your pants, belt, and undies down around your ankles, and the hand-washing facilities are on the other side of a (probably poorly but nonetheless) locked door. And one of your hands is smeared with fecal matter. I’m sure you can get your drawers and pants back up one-handed. Maybe you’ll even get the pants fastened. If you can get your belt buckled, you’re golden. But it won’t be easy.
This is the one and only correct way. I don’t know why nobody else has thought of this method besides us. It’s really just common sense.
Whenever I go I of course wipe my ass but 99 times out of 100 there isn’t anything on the paper…
I have visited Egypt seven times, about two weeks each. That works out to, what, about 100 dumps. Every time, the bathroom had either a bidet (in hotel rooms; no disrobing necessary) or a hose at the side of the toilet. You hold the hose with the right hand and spray, using the left hand to distribute the water and clean. No disrobing necessary. (The hose had a spraying on the end like in a lot of American kitchen sinks.) Some toilets had a tube that sprayed up at you like a bidet, sort of an all-in-one. You don’t really need to use soap.
This method leaves your butt much cleaner, with no abrasion. This is a godsend when you get on the wrong end of the water supply and have to this three or four times a day.
I never get this attitude. Don’t we wash our bottoms in the shower with soap and water? We wash our hands after doing that and that’s fine.
Sorry, I should have made clear that by “your average public restroom,” I was referring to restrooms in the U.S.A. I’ve been to Egypt, too, and while I saw plenty of hoses, I was fortunate to have access to toilet paper the entire time.
Yeah, but not usually right after taking a dump without wiping, right?
Right, but there aren’t chunks of shit clinging to your ass when you get into the shower.
Well, I usually don’t have shit chunks clinging to me. If I’ve just taken a dump sometimes I’ll just get into the shower because I never really feel all that clean after just wiping.
Well, yes, it’s clear that this approach doesn’t work if the culture doesn’t provide the necessary infrastructure.
I think hand wiping may be more practical in some situations, but I can’t see how it’s more sanitary. Even the hand cultures consider the wiping hand to be unsanitary. They don’t use the left hand for many things because it’s used for wiping.
How can they possibly remove all the gunk from under their fingernails? Even if there was a scrub brush by the sink, it’s the same one that everyone else is using.
This is me.
I move heaven and earth to ensure that my business is attended to before getting in the shower.
Also, I’ve never understood the (apparently common) belief that TP is a superior method. If you had some of that on your face, would you dab at it with a tissue and get on with your day? No, because you wouldn’t be clean, and you know it.
Wash that spot!
Do you have a PowerPoint presentation to go with that?
I won’t say that it’s impossible to get something under your nails, but, c’mon, you’re not sticking your fingers right up the chute.
Sometimes if I’m at home, I’ll just have sort of a mini shower right after if I don’t have anywhere to be. I’m one of those people who would love a bidet!
Having a shaved butt-hole does make a huge difference.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit ‘Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur’? The rabbit says ‘No’! So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
Thanks Gilbert!
I don’t have children, but, in changing a baby, would the hand thing make the baby clean???
I would think that it was a halfway measure down there, let alone the hand.
Best wishes,
hh
I was in Egypt twice, over a month, both times. Homes and local (not tourist) resturants do not have tp. They have bidets either next to the toilet, or little hose things inside the toilet.
Typically, people at home use the bidet, and then wipe dry with a washcloth. Then (from my experience) they hang the cloth next to the toilet for future use.
The hotels I visited all had tp. The airport has some lady standing inside the bathroom, and she gives each person 3 squares per bathroom visit.
The only place I saw that didn’t have a bidet OR tp was a horse stable opposite the pyramids (not the ones right next to them). They had a horrible nasty toilet with nothing to clean yourself with. Thank god I brought tissue.