# Tolerance and the limits of friendship **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 11, 2010, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549 "2010-02-11T13:53:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![arseNal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@arseNal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arseNal)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/21 "2010-02-12T17:10:49Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > jjimm, doll, join date of 2001 you say? Then surely you have realized it is a sacred and long-held tradition on the SDMB to encourage people to permanently distance themselves from anyone who exhibits sliver of a shadow of assholery even once. “My friend knocked over my drink and didn’t buy me another one or apologize.” “_BURN HER!!!_” You forgot “Run. Do not walk,” another SDMB favorite. If I had the same tolerance level exhibited by many dopers, I’d have no friends left, no girlfriend, and wouldn’t be on speaking terms with any of my relatives. I’d probably have a lot of cats and dogs, tho. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/22 "2010-02-12T18:37:15Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > As an isolated incident, dumping a friend (particularly one who you have a history with) over the glasses thing seems really strong. If I dumped every friend who did something self-centered at one time, or said something stupid or insulting at one time, I’d have very few friends. > > On the other hand, if selfishness is a regular attribute of the friend in question, you have to address the possibility that they’re not really treating you with the care you’d expect from a friend. A rare incident of jerkishness? An old friend will get a bit more of a pass. But you’re very right, if things fit a regular pattern, then it’s time to re-evaluate. Back in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=544915) I started off saying I’d recently ditched a close friend who I’d known for 20+ years. The incident which precipitated the friend-dumping was actually pretty mundane, but it underscored a long-term pattern of douchebaggery and disrespectful behavior. He’d been called on it again and again, although usually it wasn’t directed at me. His pattern is a broad pattern of jackassitude, but he is a particular asshole with people he takes for granted, like his own family. One day he did something that, in itself, wasn’t a big deal, but in the big picture highlighted the fact that, really, he is a dick. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/23 "2010-02-12T18:49:48Z")
It’s kind of like how if you tell a funny joke, you’re a guy who told a funny joke. But if you tell ten funny jokes, then you’re a funny guy. We’ve only heard one joke from the guy, and automatically he’s hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/24 "2010-02-12T19:09:30Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > It’s kind of like how if you tell a funny joke, you’re a guy who told a funny joke. But if you tell ten funny jokes, then you’re a funny guy. > > We’ve only heard one joke from the guy, and automatically he’s hilarious. What if there were three jokes in a really short time span? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/25 "2010-02-12T19:38:10Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > What if there were three jokes in a really short time span? I agree with **MOL** that it was more like a joke in three parts. “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.” “No, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.” And the third, and best, punchline, which escapes me at the moment. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/26 "2010-02-12T19:43:39Z")
> [@](#): > > To which I said, yes, with a bit of sarcasm.. > > “You could of course just not leave them on the passenger seat, then there’s no risk of me sitting on them”. > > My friend then replies with something along the lines of: > > **“I don’t break my patterns of behaviour just because they don’t suit somebody else”** When the pattern under discussion is placing ones glasses where they will certainly either need to be moved, or be accidentally broken, within a short time, this statement is pretty telling. I find the overall rigidity and the unabashed nature of it concerning. I would probably not remain friends with someone who said this, unless a long pattern of behavior showed me that they didn’t really mean it. Nowhere in the post does it say “this behavior is unusual for him” or “I was surprised by his reaction.” My read was: Either the friendship is a new one, or the behavior is fairly typical. IOW, it isn’t that he acted in an assholish way, it’s that he stated his full intention to continue doing so under any circumstances and a refusal to consider changing in any way, for any one, at all, ever. I’d drop him like a hot potato. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/27 "2010-02-12T20:26:37Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > IOW, it isn’t that he acted in an assholish way, it’s that he stated his full intention to continue doing so under any circumstances and a refusal to consider changing in any way, for any one, at all, ever. That’s how I interpreted the “I’m not changing my behavior” statement as well. I’m okay, if someone says “I find it difficult to accommodate [some specific preference or request]”. But an outright refusal to consider anyone else’s wishes puts a black mark next to your name in my Big Book of Buddies. The statement, if quoted accurately, came across (to me) as: “I intend to disregard your/anyone’s wishes if they don’t suit _me_.” Everyone else will just have to defer to his preferences. Common courtesy involves a certain amount of mutual consideration and give and take. To say outright that you have no intention of respecting anyone else’s wishes/preferences/phobias/needs or honoring requests made in good faith, then well… That wouldn’t be acceptable to me either. Friendship is not supposed to be dictatorial. Granted the guy may have said something stupid just in the heat of annoyance, but such a statement would certainly make me go :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![StrangeBird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e480ec/32.png) [@StrangeBird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrangeBird)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/28 "2010-02-12T20:41:17Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Well, _I_ would have gotten rid of him, but only because he wears glasses. I don’t trust people with poor vision. You’ll regret that when us four-eyes rule the world :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Stealth\_Potato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Stealth\_Potato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stealth_Potato)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/29 "2010-02-12T21:08:09Z")
To me, the exchange related by **KellyCriterion** really strongly suggested that this “friend” doesn’t really respect her as a friend at all. The initial and continued peevishness makes it clear that he values his sunglasses more than **KellyCriterion** , so I’d say there’s not even really a “friendship” there to be dropped. Not knowing the prior nature and extent of the relationship makes it difficult to judge, of course, but I’d only revise my above assessment if that conversation was extraordinarily atypical. Then again, I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with the sort of person who spends $600 on sunglasses anyway. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/30 "2010-02-12T21:28:56Z")
My issue with the friend in the other thread wasn’t his obstinate shortsightedness or arrogance, it was his view that the OP would owe him $600. That to me is screwing over a friend. A friend is someone you would do something for, not someone you’d stick with your $600 bill. If I had a friend who thought so little of me, I’d drop him. I have plenty of other friends that get a lot of leeway, and I’m sure I’ve done my own share of stupid, but the OP’s friend seems to me to not really fit the definition of “friend” in the first place. I’ve dropped friends a couple of times, but it was for pretty egregious behaviors over long periods of time. Ordinarily, friendships just fade away if they’re not mutually agreeable. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/31 "2010-02-12T21:30:13Z")
> [@Stealth\_Potato](#): > > To me, the exchange related by **KellyCriterion** really strongly suggested that this “friend” doesn’t really respect her as a friend at all. The initial and continued peevishness makes it clear that he values his sunglasses more than **KellyCriterion** , so I’d say there’s not even really a “friendship” there to be dropped. Not knowing the prior nature and extent of the relationship makes it difficult to judge, of course, but I’d only revise my above assessment if that conversation was extraordinarily atypical. > > Then again, I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with the sort of person who spends $600 on sunglasses anyway. 😉 I’m assuming they were his eyeglasses that he only needs for driving (I certainly hope). ---
**Author:** ![Stealth\_Potato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Stealth\_Potato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stealth_Potato)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/32 "2010-02-12T21:46:45Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > I’m assuming they were his eyeglasses that he only needs for driving (I certainly hope). Ah, I had been thinking they were sunglasses for some reason, but on review I see that wasn’t specifically stated in **KellyCriteron** ’s post. Probably I got that impression because he had taken them off and set them down, an action that would never occur to my mind in conjunction with eyeglasses – my uncorrected vision is not so good. 😛 But either way, his attitude with respect to his glasses vs. his friend is not very friend-like, IMHO. If it had been me putting my glasses on the seat and having them nearly squished by a friend, my immediate response would have been “Well, _I’m_ pretty lucky those didn’t break, or else _I’d_ be out a $600 pair of glasses.” I would certainly hope my friend would be contrite about the incident, and if they were truly a friend they’d offer to pay for any damage, but to _expect_ it like that, especially so petulantly, is churlish. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/33 "2010-02-12T21:47:07Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > I’m assuming they were his eyeglasses that he only needs for driving (I certainly hope). Yeah, she never said sunglasses. I recently paid over $300 for my pair of glasses, and I went with the cheap options. I could easily have doubled the cost with features that I consider pretty important. And if somebody sat on them and broke them, I’d be pretty pissed. Which is why I don’t put them on a fucking chair. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/34 "2010-02-12T22:25:05Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Yeah, she never said sunglasses. > > I recently paid over $300 for my pair of glasses, and I went with the cheap options. I could easily have doubled the cost with features that I consider pretty important. And if somebody sat on them and broke them, I’d be pretty pissed. > > Which is why I don’t put them on a fucking chair. The OP’s friend usually keeps them on the front door mat so that he doesn’t forget them when he goes out. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/35 "2010-02-12T22:32:52Z")
> [@Stealth\_Potato](#): > > If it had been me putting my glasses on the seat and having them nearly squished by a friend, my immediate response would have been “Well, _I’m_ pretty lucky those didn’t break, or else _I’d_ be out a $600 pair of glasses.” I would certainly hope my friend would be contrite about the incident, and if they were truly a friend they’d offer to pay for any damage, but to _expect_ it like that, especially so petulantly, is churlish. The Devil’s in the details, to be sure. My first reaction would also be more along the lines of “Phew! I’m so lucky my glasses aren’t broken!” There wouldn’t be the immediate assignment of blame and certainly not an immediate expectation of compensation for an accident to which I contributed. ETA: To be fair, if I was having a really bad day and feeling pissy, I might say “Crap! You sat on my glasses!” but I still wouldn’t say some horseshit about how everyone else has to work around _my_ habits no matter how stupid. ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/36 "2010-02-12T22:50:02Z")
I can’t imagine being friends with someone who would sincerely behave in such a strange way. If a close friend did I’d have to chalk it up to temporary insanity or a strange sense of humour. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2010, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549/37 "2010-02-13T00:46:02Z")
I guess it depends how many friends you have. I am amazed that people have 50 individual rings in their cell phones, for each of their friends. I don’t think I’ve been friends with 50 people in total over the entire span of my life 🙂 I will say in my life experience, it’s very difficult, if not impossible to find anyone I could actually count on, if push comes to shove. But again that’s me. Some people can make friends, even good deep friendships quickly. It’s like anything in life, some people can afford to be choosy From _the Big Bang Theory_: > [@](#): > > Leonard) We need to widen our circle. > Sheldon) I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. > Leonard) Yes, and you’ve never met one of them. > Sheldon) That’s the beauty of it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolerance-and-the-limits-of-friendship/528549.md?page=1)