# Tolkien-related song parodies **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 2, 2014, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680 "2014-01-02T04:46:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/1 "2014-01-02T04:46:48Z")
OK so I recently came up with a Hobbit-related parody to the tune of “It’s A Fine Life” from _Oliver!_ Tolkien fans, post your song parodies here! THE HOBBIT VERSION OF “IT’S A FINE LIFE” (Sung by the Dwarves-- except Thorin-- and Bilbo) FILI Some treasures, some treasures, Who would deny us these? Ale tankards large measures No skimpin’ if ya please I rough it, I love it Life is a game of chance I never tire of it Leading a merry dance BOFUR If you don’t mind not havin’ a home to go to, It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life! Though out West you have to work to buy food, It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life! GLOIN When you’ve got someone to love, You forget your cares and strife Let the hobbits look down on us And the elves all frown on us It’s a fine fine life! KILI Who cares if tall races Stare at us in the street Fine airs and fine graces Ain’t got to slave to eat DWALIN We wander out Westward Who knows what we may find Each day our hope’s tested From front to far behind BILBO If you don’t mind having to deal with Thorin, It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life! Though Orc hordes may threaten to kick the door in, It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life! FILI Though the earth is brown and dense On our side of the fence We didn’t take care of it so we lost our share of it And I don’t mean pence If you don’t mind having to like or lump it It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life! Though there’s no tea-sipping and eating crumpet It’s a fine life! It’s a fine… life! DWARVES Not for us our own true home Folk in exile, happy lives Though it often touches us Now for the likes of such as us Ours is a fine… fine life! ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/2 "2014-01-02T06:52:31Z")
I am pretty sure hobbits (with the possible exception of the Sackville-Bagginses) do not look down on dwarves, or anyone, really. And no lines for Balin?! Everyone knows he was the best dwarf (and had a great singing voice, as he proved in the Airplane). ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/3 "2014-01-02T06:53:04Z")
“CARADHRAS” by the Dunharrow Dead This fellowship Has to make it on time Left Rivendell With walkers nine Hits Eregion All emptied out There’s no Elves, no Men And Sauron’s at it again Climbing that pass High in morass Caradhras, you better Watch your snow Blizzard ahead Warg-wolves behind And you know that Moria Just crossed my mind Road closed ahead The mountain in red Take my advice, you’d better Head for Kheled Balrog woke up Down in a hole Journey in the dark Far from the goal Climbing that pass High in morass Caradhras, you better Watch your snow Blizzard ahead Warg-wolves behind And you know that Moria Just crossed my mind Trouble with up Is the trouble with down Can’t go under or over It’s too big to go around Come in the Black Pit You know you’ve had it The Warg-wolf screams And the mountaintop gleams Climbing that pass High in morass Caradhras, you better Watch your snow Blizzard ahead Warg-wolves behind And you know that Moria Just crossed my mind And you know that Moria just crossed my… mind… ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/4 "2014-01-02T09:08:38Z")
@Johanna: That’s great. What song is that originally? @njtt: They may not all “look down” on dwarves as such but certainly do see them as undesirable/not the sort of person the average hobbit associates with. Everyone in and around Hobbiton thinks Bilbo and Frodo are weird for associating with dwarves. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/5 "2014-01-02T09:24:28Z")
Saruman Saruman Does whatever a Wizard can Breeding lots of Uruk Hais To find the Ring to serve The Eye Look out, here comes the Saruman ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/6 "2014-01-02T10:05:54Z")
I’m the Nazgul King of Angmar and my story’s seldom told, But no living man could harm me (so my fate had by Glorfindel been foretold) I served a King Who had given me a marvellous and mighty magic Ring And my life depended on the cursed thing. Lie-da-die… ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/7 "2014-01-02T11:54:46Z")
> [@Morwen Edhelwen](#): > > @Johanna: That’s great. What song is that originally? Thanks! “[Casey Jones](http://youtu.be/OY5pHkTqLHw)” ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/8 "2014-01-02T12:52:49Z")
I met him on the fields of Pelenor Where we stood our ground 'gainst the furious attack of Theoden. He rode up to me and he wanted to fight, I asked him his name and in a light brown voice he said Eowyn. Eh-eh-eh-eh, Eowyn Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn! I pushed him away. Felt a sting in my leg. He pulled off his helm. And that’s when I saw! And that’s the way it was foretold to me, It was always going to be that way with my Eowyn, Eh-eh-eh-eh, Eowyn. Girls will be boys and boys will be girls, It’s a mixed up muddled up shook up world 'cept for Eowyn, Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn! Well, I took a ring many years before, And thought no man could ever kill me at all, But she stood there with sword in hand, And said you fool, I am no man! Well I’m not the world’s most corporeal man, But I know what I am and I don’t give a damn 'cept for Eowyn. Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn. Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn. ---
**Author:** ![cdnirish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@cdnirish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cdnirish)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/9 "2014-01-02T21:33:27Z")
There was a book many years ago called “Bored of the Rings”, published I believe by Harvard Lampoon (Don’t know if it’s related in any way to National Lampoon.) Anyway, it parodied the Lord of the Rings trilogy, including a few of their own takes on the songs of LOTR. The only song title I can remember is “I sit on the floor and pick my nose”, and was sung by Dildo Bugger - which gives you an idea of how high-brow this book was lol. I read it when I was a teenager and into Tolkien and D&D - back in the bad old days when D&D’ers were mostly high school and university-types, and those that played were considered half a step away from being Satan-worshippers, as opposed to just being “geeks” today lol. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/10 "2014-01-02T23:34:16Z")
**Valley Elf** ``` Valley Elf, He's a Valley Elf, Valley Elf, He's a Valley Elf... ``` So cool, so fair, With chartreuse hair, So young, secure – “Fer sure, fer sure, like, oh, man, I was really down today, like, sooo down, I almost flunked archery today, I was blitzed totally, it was wrong. Like, I wore my elven cloak into the dungeon, y’know, and it got all grody with, wow, like spider webs and green slime all over it, like yucko, like when I saw it when we got out I thought, oh, gag me with a wand, it was grody to the max, just psionic, like, and I had to clean it, oh, gross me out, man. Totally awesome. I hate to go in dungeons, they are so rank, and some of the monsters just like freak me out, man, like, totally disgusting, barf city man, it was so gross that I thought, like, Hey, keep away from me, man! Like no way I’m gonna ever even use my sword on you, I just waxed it, y’know, like gag me with a mace.” ``` Valley Elf, He's a Valley Elf, Valley Elf, He's a Valley Elf... ``` North of Geoff, South of Ket, By the River Javan wet, Living with the stubby gnomes, The Valley Elves do make their homes. “Sure, totally, y’know, I had a dog, man, a cooshee, like he was special, a Gucci cooshee poochie, he had designer genes, like, really rare, he was just awesome, but not too housebroken. I had to clean up after him, and that was like grody, just gross to the max, but, wow, like, no biggie, cuz he was my dog, y’know, but he’s gone now, totally, see, I met the mage the other day, and, wow, man, the mage has got like no, totally no sense of humor. Like, I made a joke, y’know, I thought it was super, like, I saw the mage and said like, hey, we’re in the Valley of the Jolly, like, Ho Ho Ho, Green Valley Mage, just like the freakin’ commercials, but he just looked at me, like wow, he must have really been out of it, man, like he was so out of it he threw one of those, like, meteor swarms at me, it was just awesome, I mean it was just, oh wow man, it was astral, and it missed me and hit my dog, my designer dog, like, crispy critter city, I was really bummed out, really bad like.” ``` Valley Elf, He's just a Valley Elf, Valley Elf, He's just a Valley Elf... ``` He’s a super Valley Elf, So chaotic, sure of self, Tall and thin and fair of face, His brain is lost in outer space. “Oh, super, like I live in the good part of the Valley, y’know, where we’re all into, like, real ethereal things, like I got a set of designer ring mail for my birthday, I was totally freaked out, like, my old set was getting full of wrinkles and it had blood on it from where I cut myself with my short sword, yeah, really, like agony, man. I was in total agony for an hour. Really, but now I’m together, like, fer sure, no problem. That was close, man, like I was so sure I was gonna pass out fer sure, I lucked totally. Good thing.” (Totally written by some gamers in, like, Kentucky, man, who don’t want their names used. Fer sure.) this kicked around in the Awesome 80s, among D&Ders. Fer shur! ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/11 "2014-01-03T00:42:36Z")
I posted this originally in the ‘Had Tolkien been written by someone else’ thread: Once a jolly wizard camped by a dwarven mine, Under the shade of the mountains misty, And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked, “Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me? Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo, Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?” And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked, Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?" Down came a monster to grab at that Ring-bearer: Up jumped Lego-las and loaded his bow with glee, And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster, “Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me? Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo, Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?” And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster, Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?" Up came a Numorean, carrying his broken sword; Down came the hobbits, one, two, three: "Where’s that coat of mithril you’ve got underneath your shirt? “Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me? Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo, Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?” “Where’s that coat of mithril you’ve got underneath your shirt? Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?” Up jumped the pony Bill and fled from the scene quickly; “You’ll never take me in there!” thought he; And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine, “Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me? Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo, Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?” And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine, Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?" Apologies to A.B. “Banjo” Paterson ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/12 "2014-01-03T15:20:07Z")
There were Ents, Ents, putting up some tents In the Shire, in the Shire, There were Ents, Ents, putting up some tents In the hobbits’ dear old Shire! My Eye is red, I cannot see, I have not got my Ring with me, I have no-ot got my-y Ring with me! There was Sam, Sam, eating eggs and ham In the Shire, in the Shire… There was Merry, Merry, with a glass of sherry, In the Shire, in the Shire… There was Gollum, Gollum, looking rather solemn In the Shire, in the Shire… There were Orcs, Orcs, stealing all the forks In the Shire, in the Shire… (etc., etc., etc.) ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/13 "2014-01-03T15:46:22Z")
(This was the first one I wrote for that other thread. I’ve revised it slightly since then.) “THE AGE IT IS A-CHANGIN’” by Hob Dylan Come gather ‘round Hobbits wherever you roam And admit that the ruffians Around you have grown And accept it that you’ll be Turned out of your homes If your Shire to you is worth savin’ Then you better start scourin’ Or you’ll sink like Orod-na-Thôn For the Age it is a-changin’ Come seers like Malbeth who prophesize in verse And keep your eyes wide The Dead are under a curse And don’t speak too soon For Mount Doom’s going to burst And there’s no tellin’ who that it’s flamin’ For the Orc-hordes now Will get beaten the worst For the Age it is a-changin’ Come Rohirrim, Dunlendings, please heed the call Leave your weapons at the doorway of the Golden Hall For he that does not Must clean the Mearas’ stalls There’s a battle outside And it’s ragin’ It’ll soon ram your gates And batter your walls For the Age it is a-changin’ Come Sackvilles and Proudfoots Throughout the land And don’t criticize What you can’t understand Your Tooks and your Gamgees Are beyond your command The old road goes ever on and on Please get out of the new one If you can’t fight Sauron For the Age it is a-changin’ The white wizard’s Gandalf The brown’s Radagast Elessar will return And rebuild Fornost As the present now Will later be past The Elves are rapidly fadin’ And the One Ring into Mount Doom will be tossed For the Age it is a-changin’ ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/14 "2014-01-03T17:02:04Z")
Amazing. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Gagundathar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a183cd/32.png) [@Gagundathar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gagundathar)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/15 "2014-01-03T17:35:43Z")
> [@cdnirish](#): > > There was a book many years ago called “Bored of the Rings”, published I believe by Harvard Lampoon (Don’t know if it’s related in any way to National Lampoon.) Anyway, it parodied the Lord of the Rings trilogy, including a few of their own takes on the songs of LOTR. The only song title I can remember is “I sit on the floor and pick my nose”, and was sung by Dildo Bugger - which gives you an idea of how high-brow this book was lol. > > I read it when I was a teenager and into Tolkien and D&D - back in the bad old days when D&D’ers were mostly high school and university-types, and those that played were considered half a step away from being Satan-worshippers, as opposed to just being “geeks” today lol. Harvard Lampoon was the ‘parent’ so to speak of National Lampoon. The satire “Bored of the Rings” is a true classic of silliness and best read while under the influence of pipeweed. Here is a little ditty from that august publication: > [@](#): > > We boggies are a hairy folk > Who like to eat until we choke. > Loving all like friend and brother, > And hardly ever eat each other. > > Ever hungry, ever thirsting, > Never stop till belly’s bursting. > Chewing chop and pork and muttons, > A merry race of boring gluttons. > > Sing: Gobble, goggle, gobble, gobble, > Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. > > Boggies gather round the table, > Eat as much as you are able. > Gorge yourselves from moon till noon > (Don’t forget your plate and spoon). > > Anything edible, we’ve got dibs on, > And hope we all die with our bibs on. > Ever gay, we’ll never grow up, > Come! And sing and play and throw up! > > Sing: Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, > Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble! ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/16 "2014-01-03T17:51:42Z")
There are some [good ones](http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3232/3013483415_d169d339fc_o.jpg)in the [Mad Magazine parody](http://blogs.sfweekly.com/exhibitionist/SC_108_03_BothSidesNow.jpg) “[The Ring and I](http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3005/3013483947_0ef5c25db9_o.jpg).” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/17 "2014-01-03T22:45:52Z")
Then there’s: I’ll sing you one-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!) What is your one-oh? One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo. I’ll sing you two-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!) What is your two-oh? Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh, One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo. I’ll sing you three-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!) What is your three-oh? Three, three, the Elf-Rings! Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh, One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo. I’ll sing you four-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!) What is your four-oh? Four for the four brave hobbits, Three, three, the Elf-Rings! Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh, One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo. I’ll sing you five-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!) What is your five-oh? Five for the five Istari, and Four for the four brave hobbits, Three, three, the Elf-Rings! Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh, One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo. (It’s been a long time and I cannot remember the rest of the verses, though you could have: Six for the teeth in Gollum’s mouth Seven for the mighty Dwarf-lords Eight for…? Nine for the Nine Black Riders and the rest are up to you) ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/18 "2014-01-03T22:51:14Z")
All the sneaky hobbits (All the sneaky hobbits) All the sneaky hobbits (All the sneaky hobbits) All the sneaky hobbits (All the sneaky hobbits) All the sneaky hobbits Now put your hands out Cause if you’re hiding then you better put a ring on it If you’re hiding then you better put a ring on it Unless you’re hiding from the nazgul then don’t do that But if you’re hiding from the orcs put a ring on it Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2014, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tolkien-related-song-parodies/677680/19 "2014-01-04T21:45:19Z")
That’s great TBG!