# Tom Swifties **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 3, 2003, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390 "2003-09-03T20:25:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/41 "2003-09-05T07:38:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwc1970 \* > \*\*“I’m into analingus,” was Tom’s tongue-in-cheek remark. \*\* > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by lno_ > **"Oh boy! I just love homosexual necrophilia!" said Tom in dead earnest.** Never before have I literally laughed out loud twice in one thread. My entry: “I’ll never quit smoking,” Tom said gravely. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/42 "2003-09-05T08:11:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Holodeck \* > \*\* > > In actual use, “Tom Swifty” seems to have a somewhat broader > meaning, and includes the form christened “croakers” by Roy > Bongartz, wherein a verb rather than an adverb supplies the pun > (e.g. “I’m dying”, he croaked). \*\* Yes I know what they are, but in which volume of the original Tom Swift series do they begin to be used. I have read the first two, Tom Swift and His Motorcycle and Tom Swift and His Motorboat, and they aren’t in there, and I glanced through Tom Swift in the Land of Wonders, and didn’t notice any. I’m curious when the Stratton Syndicate started putting them in. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2003, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/43 "2003-09-06T07:02:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Voyager \* > \*\*Yes I know what they are, but in which volume of the original Tom Swift series do they begin to be used. I have read the first two, Tom Swift and His Motorcycle and Tom Swift and His Motorboat, and they aren’t in there, and I glanced through Tom Swift in the Land of Wonders, and didn’t notice any. I’m curious when the Stratton Syndicate started putting them in. \*\* Apparently never, according to [this page,](http://www.laughnet.net/archive/misc/tomswift.htm) which features the following paragraph: **The “narrative mannerism” that the Random House Dictionary mentions was not the Tom Swifty as such, but merely the labored avoidance of the unadorned use of the word “said”. Tom never merely “said” anything; he asserted, asseverated, averred, chuckled, declared, ejaculated, expostulated, grinned (plainly or mischievously), groaned, quipped, or smiled. In particular, sentences of the form: “—”, Tom said —ly. were used ad nauseam. Then one day someone decided to satirize the mannerism by using puns, and the Tom Swifty was born.** ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2003, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/44 "2003-09-06T16:05:54Z")
“Ejaculated?” Aw man, there’s a softball pitch if ever I’ve seen one. ---
**Author:** ![knock\_knock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/22d042/32.png) [@knock\_knock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/knock_knock)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/45 "2003-09-06T16:25:31Z")
“Aww, it looks like I’m stuck with the queen of spades” Tom said brokenheartedly. “I’m trying to put the unraveled toilet paper back together” Tom replied. “You know I called it first, but I’ll let you ride shotgun!” Tom exclaimed. “So is he straight or what?” Tom queried. “I’m from Missouri” Tom stated. “May we begin our next journey tonight?” Tom requested. “That was a bad pen so I signed it again with this one” Tom remarked. ---
**Author:** ![j\_sum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@j\_sum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_sum1)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2003, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/46 "2003-09-06T16:43:07Z")
“What do you mean they are whale steaks?” inquired Tom purposefully. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2003, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/47 "2003-09-06T18:28:12Z")
“I can unclog drains with my mouth”, Tom said succinctly. ---
**Author:** ![Blackdragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Blackdragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackdragon)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2003, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/48 "2003-09-06T18:38:55Z")
“That was the best sex ever!” Tom ejaculated. ---
**Author:** ![j\_sum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@j\_sum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_sum1)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2003, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/49 "2003-09-07T02:36:41Z")
“My wife deserved to die”, pronounced Tom ruthlessly. “And I drilled another three oill wells lats week”, said Tom boorishly. “What’s worse is that I got burgled and they took all the furniture”, said Tom cheerlessly. ---
**Author:** ![knock\_knock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/22d042/32.png) [@knock\_knock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/knock_knock)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2003, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/50 "2003-09-07T04:14:49Z")
“The engine, it … it won’t start” Tom sputtered. “I’m coming!” Tom ejaculated. “I agree with the feminists who say that males have caused most of the violence and suffering on this planet” Tom mentioned. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2003, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/51 "2003-09-07T06:26:22Z")
“The hampsters are slow tonight,” Tom said boredly. ---
**Author:** ![Jervoise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d2c977/32.png) [@Jervoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jervoise)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2003, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/52 "2003-09-07T10:21:01Z")
“It must be the psuedoephedrine”, Tom replied speedily. ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2003, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/53 "2003-09-07T19:31:44Z")
“I never learned how to snap my fingers,” tom snapped. ---
**Author:** ![j\_sum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@j\_sum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_sum1)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/54 "2003-09-08T05:30:52Z")
“You didn’t just mistake Aunt Agatha’s ashes for fertilizer!!?”, asked Tom forlornly. ---
**Author:** ![Aholibah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Aholibah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aholibah)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/55 "2003-09-09T23:05:20Z")
“I can’t get these boots off,” Tom reported shoddily. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2003, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/56 "2003-09-11T11:00:50Z")
“I went to a foam party last night!” Tom bubbled. “I wish my car had anti-lock brakes!” Tom screeched. “I love electrical storms,” Tom thundered. “This bouquet is too small; I’m going back to the florist,” Tom said morosely. “I’m spending a week in the desert,” Tom said dryly. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2003, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/57 "2003-09-11T12:11:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lno \* > \*\*“Oh boy! I just love homosexual necrophilia!” said Tom in dead earnest. > > [sub]I’m going to hell[/sub] \*\* “I’m not sure how I feel about homosexuality” said Tom, half in earnest. [sub] Me too [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![dewizeowl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@dewizeowl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dewizeowl)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/58 "2003-09-12T23:36:26Z")
“My stomach feels like it is in a sauna”, Tom said abstemiously. As offered by a fellow office worker and all round good Swifter ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/59 "2003-09-13T01:50:19Z")
“I don’t like this fish,” Tom carped. “I love quoting Louis Carroll,” Tom chortled. “I wasn’t at work today,” Tom said absently. ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy154](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/ad7895/32.png) [@quiltguy154](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy154)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390/60 "2003-09-13T14:07:51Z")
“I like only pomes of a certain kind,” Tom said aptly. “Roll me over, in the clover, roll me over, lay me down and do it again”, said Tom soddenly. “It’s beyond me how vulcanologists can stand those temper- atures”, Tom added heatedly. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/199390.md?page=4)