# Tom Swifties **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 2, 1999, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513 "1999-09-02T07:19:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![aseymayo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/1 "1999-09-02T07:19:00Z")
Anyone care to play? It’s a play on words that takes the form of a statement followed by -he/she said \_\_\_\_\_\_ly. The joke comes in by the choice of adverb. Viz: “I’m thinking about getting breast implants,” she said flatly. Your turn. ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/2 "1999-09-02T07:23:00Z")
“Help! My penis is stuck in the pencil sharpener!” he said sharply ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/3 "1999-09-02T07:25:00Z")
Now that I read it, it’s really lame. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/4 "1999-09-02T07:35:00Z")
“I think my lion is sick” he said Swiftly. ---
**Author:** ![aseymayo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/5 "1999-09-02T07:40:00Z")
I’m not quite sure you’ve got it there, Babar. How about “My penis is caught in the pencil sharpener,” he said pointedly. Have another go. ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/6 "1999-09-02T07:44:00Z")
Okay, “The Sick Lion and the Ass” is a poem by Jonathan Swift. I didn’t think anyone would get it. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/7 "1999-09-02T14:48:00Z")
“I wish that darned Alfred E. Neuman would worry for once!” he exclaimed, madly. * * * Chaim Mattis Keller [ckeller@schicktech.com](mailto:ckeller@schicktech.com) “Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible. The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.” – Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/8 "1999-09-02T15:06:00Z")
“Who would have suspected metal fatigue?” he asked ironically. * * * The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik ---
**Author:** ![UncaStuart](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncastuart/32/404_2.png) [@UncaStuart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncaStuart)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/9 "1999-09-02T15:24:00Z")
“So, how’m I supposed to get around in this cast?” he asked lamely. ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/10 "1999-09-02T15:25:00Z")
“I like to masturbate,” he said jerkingly. * * * Brian O’Neill CMC International Records [rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html](http://rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html) ICQ 35294890 AIM Scrabble1 Yahoo Messenger Brian\_ONeill ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/11 "1999-09-02T15:40:00Z")
“Alas! I’ve dropped the toothpaste,” he said crestfallenly. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/12 "1999-09-02T15:48:00Z")
“I’m moving to San Francisco,” he said gaily. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/13 "1999-09-02T15:53:00Z")
“I’m a camera nut” she said candidly * * * An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; A pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/14 "1999-09-02T16:02:00Z")
“This oven cleaner is gagging me!” she yelled, fuming. * * * An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; A pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![radar\_ralf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b2d939/32.png) [@radar\_ralf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/radar_ralf)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/15 "1999-09-02T16:03:00Z")
“I want my MTV!” he said direly. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/16 "1999-09-02T16:18:00Z")
“I wanted an _iced_ coffee!” she said coldly. (or maybe hotly?) ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Thin\_Skin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d78d45/32.png) [@Mr\_Thin\_Skin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Thin_Skin)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/17 "1999-09-02T16:36:00Z")
“Did I sever my spine,” he asked nervously “I’m severely constipated,” she said stuffily “I’ve had sex with many farm animals,” he said sheepishly ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/18 "1999-09-03T05:21:00Z")
“Who likes it doggy-style?” heatherlee asked anally. Couldn’t resist… sorry. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/19 "1999-09-03T05:23:00Z")
“Who likes it doggy-style?” heatherlee asked anally. Couldn’t resist… sorry. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/20 "1999-09-03T05:26:00Z")
“D-dis I post twice?” ChiefScott stuttered. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513.md?page=2)