# Tom Swifties **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 2, 1999, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513 "1999-09-02T07:19:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![aseymayo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/21 "1999-09-03T05:56:00Z")
Lovely - some real groaners - my favorites! “But I’m just a border guard,” he said haltingly. ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/22 "1999-09-02T18:13:00Z")
\*Sue Duhnym: “I’m moving to San Francisco,” he said gaily. \* “I’m moving away from San Francisco,” he said shakily. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/23 "1999-09-02T18:58:00Z")
“But Godfather, I’m no snitch!” he squealed. ---
**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/24 "1999-09-02T19:05:00Z")
“Wipe your nose!” he sneered snottily. Ick. * * * I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. Alexandre Dumas the Younger (1824-1895) ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/25 "1999-09-02T19:51:00Z")
“St. Louis is an interesting city,” he noted, archly. Chaim Mattis Keller ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/26 "1999-09-02T20:44:00Z")
I love to hear the church bells," he chimed in. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 1999, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/27 "1999-09-02T20:52:00Z")
"I won’t pay the bill, " Tom said unremittingly. ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/28 "1999-09-03T04:02:00Z")
“My friend, you need a toupee”, he stated baldly. Okay, that was lame. ---
**Author:** ![egospark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c37758/32.png) [@egospark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/egospark)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/29 "1999-09-03T04:08:00Z")
“I hate school!” he said testily. “I’d rather watch TV,” he hissed vacantly. “Not until you finish your homework,” Mom stated studiously. ---
**Author:** ![UncaStuart](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncastuart/32/404_2.png) [@UncaStuart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncaStuart)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/30 "1999-09-03T05:13:00Z")
“This has never happened to me before,” he protested limply. “I just never got around to planting a garden this year,” she said lackadaisically. “The processor in this computer is a Pentium II,” he stated intelligently. ---
**Author:** ![Catrandom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@Catrandom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catrandom)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/31 "1999-09-03T05:36:00Z")
“I adore Tennyson,” she said idyllically. “Get down from that ladder at once!” he said standoffishly. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/32 "1999-09-03T06:15:00Z")
“Look out for that sandwich!” he said heroicly. Oh, man…I suck at this! ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_Bowe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df788c/32.png) [@Doug\_Bowe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_Bowe)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/33 "1999-09-03T06:24:00Z")
“Accidents will happen.” mumbled Jay Armes, offhandedly. –for people outside of the Southwest you may substitute Captain Hook. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/34 "1999-09-03T06:29:00Z")
how about “Thank goodness for life preservers!” he said buoyantly? Uh, oh…I think I may be addicted. ---
**Author:** ![UncaStuart](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncastuart/32/404_2.png) [@UncaStuart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncaStuart)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/35 "1999-09-03T15:38:00Z")
“All heterosexuals advance one pace!” commanded the Drill Instructor straightforwardly. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/36 "1999-09-03T16:33:00Z")
“I can see your panty lines,” he said leeringly. “Is that a tornado siren?,” she asked alarmingly. “Kill 'em all,” he said murderously. “I’m a Satan worshiper,” she stated devilishly. “Gimme another beer,” he demanded drunkenly. “you’re cut off,” she replied finally. * * * **Abstainer:** _a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure._ **- Ambrose Bierce** ---
**Author:** ![UncaStuart](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncastuart/32/404_2.png) [@UncaStuart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncaStuart)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 1999, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/37 "1999-09-04T05:17:00Z")
“Who was the Pope who came between Anastasius and Zosimus?” he asked innocently. ---
**Author:** ![aseymayo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 1999, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/38 "1999-09-04T05:18:00Z")
“I never learned to play Bridge,” she said wistfully. “Watch me shake my pom-poms,” she said cheerfully. “That varmint stole my land!” she exclaimed distractedly. ---
**Author:** ![UncaStuart](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncastuart/32/404_2.png) [@UncaStuart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncaStuart)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 1999, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/39 "1999-09-04T05:35:00Z")
“I love Southern cooking,” he said grittily. “Mrs. Clinton sure can tell a joke,” he said hilariously. “Elizabeth sure can’t,” he added dolefully. ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 1999, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513/40 "1999-09-03T18:13:00Z")
“How disarming!” said Captain Hook, off-handedly. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tom-swifties/7513.md?page=3)