# Tomorrow may mark the end of my marriage. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 9, 2004, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831 "2004-11-09T14:06:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/361 "2004-11-16T11:16:52Z")
Ahhh no, I can’t leave it at this. I shall now use the expression of one T\*nnhippie who posted here, it was his belief that getting fucked was a nice thing and so … UNFUCK YOU ! ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Random](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Joe\_Random](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Random)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/362 "2004-11-16T12:19:38Z")
> [@Wake up call](#): > > I’d like to propose that there are 2 sides to every story. You are, of course, correct. However, just because two sides _exists_ doesn’t mean that both sides are equally justified. > [@](#): > > 1- It would be a short love affair, and if Helen does not find out about it, it will be over in a few weeks when the hot passion wears off. Ah yes, because completely and utterly betraying the trust of the person whom he vowed to spend the rest of his life with is perfectly okay as long as that person doesn’t find out, right? Are you **seriously** implying that?! > [@](#): > > 2- If Helen finds out about the affair, he can always explain that this was simply a short affair and Helen would understand and either tolerate it for a while, or ask him to stop. “Simply a short affair”? What the fuck?! There’s never anything “simple” about an affair. At the very **least** it’s an indicator that the person who she thought was the love of her life and was devoted to her and only her can not be trusted and, in fact, **lied** when giving his wedding vows. > [@](#): > > After all, Helen seems to be an open minded woman, having grown up with a gay Mom, and receiving love calls from Bob’s brother (see HelenTroy’s past posts). Because we all know that “open minded” is synonymous with “door mat”, and that having a gay mother is the equivalent to holding up a “lie to me and betray my trust in you” sign. :rolleyes: > [@](#): > > 3- If Helen, as an open-minded woman, tolerates the affair for a while and lets Bob exercise his freedom as a human being on this planet, everything is fine. There are a few assumptions that go along with marriage. One of them is that the participants have **forgone** any “freedom” to sleep with someone else. Now, if all parties agree, then it’s okay, but that was not the case here. > [@](#): > > If she doesn’t tolerate it and make his life miserable Well, since he made **her** life miserable, it’s only fair that she return the favor. > [@](#): > > , he would try to get out of the relationship with Kathy as best as he can – and that would be the end of that. No big deal in this day and age. No big deal? Since when was completely and utterly betraying the trust of your spouse no big deal? Are you posting from the Bizzaro Universe or something? > [@](#): > > But no-one is giving enough time to Bob to get himself out of a miserable situation. The miserable situation is of his own making, and he doesn’t **deserve** any time to get out of it. > [@](#): > > What went wrong was that (1) Helen found out too soon about the affair – before it could die from a natural death, and (2) Kathy claimed she was pregnant. No, what went wrong was that “Bob” decided to have an affair. > [@](#): > > Meanwhile life goes on, both Bob and Kathy become older and learn to be less jealous and give more space to each other. The daughter can grow nicely with her parents, who respect each other’s freedom. I respect everyone’s freedom, but that does not include the freedom to hurt me. Any decision someone makes to **willfully** harm me, be it physically, mentally, or emotionally, is not one that is worthy of any respect at all. > [@](#): > > As the daughter grows up, she will most likely show less sign of HATE for Bob as a human being – unlike the participants on this thread. People tend to hate traitors as a matter of course, because they cannot be trusted. Such people are **deserving** of any hate they accumulate because of their behavior. > [@](#): > > I am not trying to be a troll here. All I am trying to say is that there are 2 sides to the story. Yes, and “Bob’s” side is absolutely and completely wrong. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/363 "2004-11-16T12:35:31Z")
> [@](#): > > He finally decides to go ahead with the affair… And he is now suffering the consequences of that decision. The fact that the movie hasn’t played out as he perhaps imagined it would doesn’t make him any more or less sympathetic. ---
**Author:** ![HelenTroy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helentroy/32/86_2.png) [@HelenTroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenTroy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/364 "2004-11-16T12:49:19Z")
Wake up Call My mother is a wonderful woman who was more of a mother to my husband than his real one. Her sexuality has NOTHING to do with her moral standing on issues, and how you can confuse the two is beyond me. Because I love my mother and the woman she loves I should be open to anything? I may almost be speechless, but not quite. You know, we all tried to be sympathetic to my husband wjen this first occured. When he found out the other woman was pregnant I was afraid he was going to be suicidal from depression. I even deluded myself into thinking she was totally at fault and he just got caught up in bad circumstances. Given a chance, he would try to make things right. Instead he plotted against me and against MY CHILD. He came into our home and told her he’d be coming home soon. He ate dinner with us and tried to worm his way back into our lives while continuing to sleep with this other woman, after he had been caught, and telling her the same thing! What he did to me I will get past sooner, rather than later. But what he did to my child will sit with me for a long, long time. That is what is unforgivable. You want to fuck some bar whores? Knock yourself out, but you sure as hell better leave me first and finish our marriage. My vows meant something to me and at no point did I say,“Till death do us part, or until a nicer ass comes along.” Bullshit. You certainly don’t make my child sit up at night waiting for Daddy to come home. Oh, and you mentioned the calls I got from his brother. They were PRANK phone calls from a 40 year old man. Yep, big turn on. Hey, at least when she gets the hubby, she gets his family, too. No greater curse has ever been placed. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/365 "2004-11-16T13:00:51Z")
Well, I was going to join the pile-on attacking **Wake Up Call** , but it seems **Helen** has handled that quite nicely. How you holding up, sweetie? Hanging in there? What’s the next step? ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/366 "2004-11-16T13:04:01Z")
**Helen** , you are a strong, courageous, and classy lady. Hold your head high, and squish that bug of a “man”. > [@Wake up call](#): > > Now, please be gentle with your attacks… I know this is the Pits and I am facing a vicious audience. The words can’t hurt you, but they can make you smarter. Nothing to be afraid of. I think **Ayesha** , **Joe Random** , and **HelenTroy** herself summed things up quite nicely. I have no sympathy whatever for adulterers, liars who refuse to accept the consequences of their own actions, expect pity for their obviously morally wrong choices, _or_ their supporters. And I’m not a feminist, just an individualist. I don’t even know who Dr. Laura is. Take out the trash, **Helen**! ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/367 "2004-11-16T13:44:58Z")
Helen, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sending warm thoughts your way. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/368 "2004-11-16T13:55:45Z")
Anyone else wondering if **Wake up call** is a sock for **Helen’s** soon-to-be-ex-husband? Which is about the most insulting thing I could say about him. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/369 "2004-11-16T14:00:23Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > Anyone else wondering if **Wake up call** is a sock for **Helen’s** soon-to-be-ex-husband? > > Which is about the most insulting thing I could say about him. The thought occured briefly to me, too. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/370 "2004-11-16T14:16:35Z")
> [@Wake up call](#): > > …lets Bob exercise his freedom as a human being on this planet… I can’t even describe my feelings about this statement. How old are you, **Wake**? Have you ever had a serious relationship with anyone except your hand? Have you ever felt anything for anyone other than a self-serving lust? Do you have respect for any other “human being?” Do you casually break vows because you have “freedoms?” Do you have any honor? Do you see others as thinking, feeling individuals or mere foils for your urges? You sound like a sixteen-year-old boy who sees women as things to put your stumpy pencildick into. You are VERY emotionally immature. You really need to rethink your view of other human beings on this planet. There are other people out there, you know, and they have feelings and can get hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/371 "2004-11-16T14:32:55Z")
> [@Wake up call](#): > > At the risk of walking in the lion’s den… > > \ > > …the far away island may be his only option. Do we have any yearly awards on the SMDB? Because I need to submit this to the “Dumbest Post of the Year” section. Seriously. Mainly because **WUC** took the actual time to write such a long ass post, and put a lot of (seriously warped) thought into it. It’s not like it was a one off “Hey, what about the guy’s POV?”. It was an actual diatribe of idiocy. **Wake Up Call** , I’ve never used this smilie before. And I wish it wasn’t winking. You, sir/madam, are a :wally. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/372 "2004-11-16T14:41:30Z")
Honestly, I’ve been thinking about the “other side of the story” angle, too. Not because of Helen, but because of divorces among my friends and family. My MIL, for example, raised my Hubby and his brother to HATE their father. As they’ve become adults, however, they’ve learned that he isn’t the ultimate Bad Guy as portrayed, and she couldn’t have been the Totally Innocent Victim. Now Helen strikes me as an extremely bright, self-aware woman. I imagine that in time she’ll examine the marriage and her actions, and may decide that there are things she’ll do differently in future relationships. However, under absolutely NO circumstances could her husband’s actions be justified. None. It goes so far beyond mistakes and poor judgements, or mere horniness. Not only did he take a cowardly way out of their marriage, but he lied to an innocent child, and plotted to avoid supporting her in the future. It bears repeating: He lied to his daughter. And came up with a scheme to save money at her expense. When he hurt his own child he displayed the worst possible character. There is absolutely no possible excuse for this. Although I still believe that the vast majority of failed marriages are the responsibility of both parties, this is the second divorce I’ve heard of where one person is at fault. Period. **WakeupCall** , somehow I doubt that you’re married with children, or you wouldn’t say such stupid things. You have no idea what you’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/373 "2004-11-16T14:47:08Z")
> [@fessie](#): > > **WakeupCall** , somehow I doubt that you’re married with children, or you wouldn’t say such stupid things. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Unless **EddyTeddyFreddy** and **TellMeI’mNotCrazy** are right, and he is a sock for Helen’s soon-to-be-ex-asshole. And I have to say, that was the first thought that occured to me, too. I’ve been lurking in this thread the whole time, and I can’t imagine someone trying to justify her husband’s actions unless they had some kind of stake in the whole thing. That, or he’s just really, really stupid. Also a possibility ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/374 "2004-11-16T14:50:15Z")
> [@badbadrubberpiggy](#): > > That, or he’s just really, really stupid. Also a possibility Or, he’s a philanderer himself, and this is his way of justifying it to himself, his wife, and his mistress. Or, he’s just really, really stupid. Or she. Dunno, really. ---
**Author:** ![HelenTroy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helentroy/32/86_2.png) [@HelenTroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenTroy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/375 "2004-11-16T14:52:07Z")
Lord knows I’m not sticking up for WakeupCall, but my husband has no access to the internet during the day, and I’ve never directed him to the Dope. But, he is more than welcome to share a beer with my husband and commiserate about the women who don’t understand them. WakeupCall may need to treat. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/376 "2004-11-16T14:52:58Z")
> [@HelenTroy](#): > > WakeupCall may need to treat. 😃 Brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/377 "2004-11-16T14:59:24Z")
treat? ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/378 "2004-11-16T15:00:37Z")
> [@TellMeI'mNotCrazy](#): > > Or, he’s a philanderer himself, and this is his way of justifying it to himself, his wife, and his mistress. This is what I thought when I read that post. Too many warped excuses, too many illogical reasonings. Too many vague premonitions of the type of people that would jump on him. IMHO, the litany of a man who’s had to convince himself what he did was really okay, it’s everyone else who’s crazy/prudish/assholes/feminists/freedom haters. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/379 "2004-11-16T15:00:54Z")
> [@vanilla](#): > > treat? Pay. Cause LCB certainly won’t be able to afford it 😉 ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/380 "2004-11-16T15:02:07Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Too many vague premonitions of the type of people that would jump on him. Thanks for reminding me, I wanted to point out that I am about as far from a Dr. Laura/Dr. Phil fan as a person can get and still be living, so his assumptions, like the rest of his post, were way off base. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831.md?page=20)