# Tomorrow may mark the end of my marriage. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 9, 2004, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831 "2004-11-09T14:06:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/21 "2004-11-09T14:37:19Z")
I’m sorry this is happening. You need to divorce him. He has proven to be untrustworthy and is trying to decide between the life he’s built with you and your child, and some woman he’s been shtupping on the side. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/22 "2004-11-09T14:39:01Z")
If he really cared about you and really wanted to make it work, his response should have been “if a paternity test shows this is my child, I’ll contact a lawyer and work out child support and visitation,” not “I need to decide where I belong.” Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![archmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@archmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/archmichael)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/23 "2004-11-09T14:40:43Z")
You are not crazy. Get as far away from this asshole as soon as possible. Your daughter does not need a guy like this teaching her about responsibility. I actually hope the other woman is pregnant. If there is any justice, two years from now his brother will be kicking his worthless butt out of the house, and he’ll living in some shabby bachelor apartment, trying to pay two separate child support payments. How do you like your mid-life crisis now? Moron ---
**Author:** ![HelenTroy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helentroy/32/86_2.png) [@HelenTroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenTroy)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/24 "2004-11-09T14:41:03Z")
> [@fessie](#): > > What matters are the actions. He chose to betray you and your child. And then paid you for your forgiving by making it clear this other woman is more important than you are. > > Nope. > > You’ll never be happy with him again, not after this. This part is what sticks in my throat. I sucked down my hurt and tried to do what I thought was going to be best for my family and the child(ren) involved. And he needs to think about it? Until he said that last night, I would have done all I could to make things right. I thought I was trying to be an adult and face the situation and move on. Does Limbaugh still have his connections? I could really use some sleep right now. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/25 "2004-11-09T14:44:11Z")
One more thing. If he’s sure your mind is made up about leaving him, expect him to beg you to take him back. Do not. ---
**Author:** ![LibrarySpy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@LibrarySpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LibrarySpy)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/26 "2004-11-09T14:48:40Z")
> [@Crazy](#): > > And a message to the asshole from me: If you leave for this other woman and her child, the message you’ll be sending to your son, whether intentional or true, will be that you picked the baby over him. He’s 8 years old, and will _not_ understand. That is absolutely **not** true. A father’s relationship with the child has no bearing on his relationship with the wife. If he’s a good father, he’s a good father, whether or not he’s a rotten husband. If he’s a bad father, there’s absolutely no reason to keep him around. That he’s even considering building a life with another woman means your marriage has been over for awhile. I’m glad you have a lawyer! Trust her. She’s, hopefully, looking out for your best interests, while you’re looking out for everyone else’s. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/27 "2004-11-09T14:51:36Z")
> [@Rysler](#): > > That is absolutely **not** true. A father’s relationship with the child has no bearing on his relationship with the wife. If he’s a good father, he’s a good father, whether or not he’s a rotten husband. If he’s a bad father, there’s absolutely no reason to keep him around. That he’s even considering building a life with another woman means your marriage has been over for awhile. > > I’m glad you have a lawyer! Trust her. She’s, hopefully, looking out for your best interests, while you’re looking out for everyone else’s. OK, you find a 3 year old who can see that daddy left, spends most of his time with a new baby, and finds time for her on the weekends, and doesn’t take that personally. You will have the most amazing 3 year old child ever born. I’m not saying he’s a good father or a bad father, I am saying his 3 year old daughter will not know, for a very, very long time, that it had nothing to do with her. ---
**Author:** ![NotWithoutRage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NotWithoutRage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotWithoutRage)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/28 "2004-11-09T14:55:38Z")
Hi **HelenTroy** , I don’t have much input, but I would say to be wary of anything your husband says to get back into your good graces. He’s ina precarious, despereate position right now, and he knows it. Not sure how sincere anything can be at this point. Hugs to you and your daughter. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/29 "2004-11-09T14:57:20Z")
I meant to say, too, that I’m so sorry. You say you want your old life back - that makes a lot of sense, but unfortunately it’s already an impossibility. You need time to mourn this loss. It seems like people always end up happier and better off, but it doesn’t happen overnight. Good luck to you! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/30 "2004-11-09T14:58:50Z")
Best wishes. Although there were no children involved, my ex pulled the same crap on me. Note he is my ex. I remarried and couldn’t be happier. It was a rough time, but I couldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t gone through it. If you serve him with papers, be prepared for him being “shocked.” Right now, he has everything he wants. Two women, complete control over the situation. Its probably going to be a surprise to him when you stop playing the game, after bending over backwards to “make it work.” Stop bending, eventually you break your spine. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/31 "2004-11-09T15:00:59Z")
> [@TellMeI'mNotCrazy](#): > > OK, you find a 3 year old who can see that daddy left, spends most of his time with a new baby, and finds time for her on the weekends, and doesn’t take that personally. You will have the most amazing 3 year old child ever born. > > I’m not saying he’s a good father or a bad father, I am saying his 3 year old daughter will not know, for a very, very long time, that it had nothing to do with her. By the way, to put my comments, and my experience, in perspective: I gave custody of my children to my ex-husband after \*he \* left _me_. So I certainly understand that the relevance of husband-worthiness is not at all connected to father-worthiness. I’m also the child of divorce, and of my 4 siblings, not one of them is my full sibling. So I definitely know the pain of watching a parent lead a completely separate life with his other children, and wishing like hell that I was part of it the way that they were, and not understanding why he seemed to love them more than he did me. ---
**Author:** ![BlueKangaroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@BlueKangaroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlueKangaroo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/32 "2004-11-09T15:01:34Z")
You’ve got warm thoughts from another person with no advice. Good luck, whatever you do. ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/33 "2004-11-09T15:11:58Z")
At _best_ your husband needs some serious therapy, because he’s got all his priorities out of whack. In your OP, it sounded like maybe he was really trying to do the right thing, just not considering that his first priority should be you his wife and daughter. Best intention, but misguided. While I have never been in that particular situation, I can see myself so depressed and ashamed from making one bad decision that I further poison the pot in an attempt to self-destruct. At _worst_ your husband is pathological - if there’s any intentional manipulation on his part then he deserves all the abuse that’s been heaped upon him. I won’t guess between the two: you know him and the situation better than I, or anyone else on this board does. Either way, you need to get your own priorities in order: your kid, and _yourself_. I second **Ferret Herder** that the appropriate response from him would be “show me the proof of both pregnancy and paternity”. If he can’t step up to the plate right-the-fuck- **now** then you need to take the appropriate steps to protect yourself emotionally and financially from his destructivness. If he can’t choose, or step up to the plate for you and your daughter, then you must. The fact that damage may be done to your daughter is not your fault; you can do the best to mitigate such damage by telling her that her daddy does love her, and allowing the appropriate visitation times. Remember, you did not hurt her, /he/ set the events in motion that will likely hurt her. I understand the parental need to shield and protect your progeny, but consider the more insidious damage that can happen from staying in a marriage that is so poisoned. (on preview), to address **TellMe** ’s point: if you stay, and things aren’t fixed, then imagine a 3 year old in a family where there’s a huge rift between mom and dad. Y’think they won’t pick up on it? Y’think that won’t damage them? Y’think that it’s possible to live with someone whom you don’t trust, resent, dislike, and have the kids **not** pick up on it? I hope that makes some sense, and good luck in your choices. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/34 "2004-11-09T15:14:45Z")
I am so sorry this is happening to you, Helen Troy. I think you are a very strong person to even consider taking your husband back after what he did, and it’s not your fault he’s wavering now. It tells you what kind of man he is. You are better off without him. My only advice is that you and your daughter consider counseling to deal with the anger, hurt, and confusion that results from this kind of betrayal. I feel so sorry for your daughter and hope she can get through this with a minimum of pain, which is why counseling might be a good idea (yes, believe it or not, there are therapists that specifically treat children that young). Wishing you the strength and patience to get through this. Let us know what happens. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/35 "2004-11-09T15:17:01Z")
> [@Misery Loves Co.](#): > > (on preview), to address **TellMe** ’s point: if you stay, and things aren’t fixed, then imagine a 3 year old in a family where there’s a huge rift between mom and dad. Y’think they won’t pick up on it? Y’think that won’t damage them? Y’think that it’s possible to live with someone whom you don’t trust, resent, dislike, and have the kids **not** pick up on it? > > I hope that makes some sense, and good luck in your choices. One more clarification: I am not, not, not saying she should stay with him. Just the opposite. I am simply “telling” her husband what the effects of his actions are likely to be. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/36 "2004-11-09T15:21:14Z")
Everyone has given you so much sensible advice that I have little to add except my sympathy. I consider myself extremely lucky that with all the affairs my ex-husband had while we were married, there were no children or STD’s. He will not change. You will eventually be better off without him. And your child is so young…mine were older and understood exactly what choices their father was making in regards to them, and discovered more about his sex life than was good for any child to ever know. They were at the age where their depression over the situation kicked them right into a world of bad choices and behavior. Your child is at least young enough that you can protect her while she heals. Do not be intent on hanging on to the house if it will become a financial burden for you to make payments entirely on your own. At her age, your child may look on moving as an adventure, and she doesn’t yet have the bonds of school friends. You are her universe, and wherever you two are, she will be home. Good luck, and best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![HelenTroy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helentroy/32/86_2.png) [@HelenTroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenTroy)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/37 "2004-11-09T15:29:10Z")
I do believe that the way things are I am better off without him. The only way I could even consider a reconciliation at this point would be with serious counciling and, I want to hear with my own ears, him telling the other woman that he will support this new baby (if there is one), but I am his wife and I am where his loyalty lies. I don’t see either thing happening. So, he gets time to thnk about what he wants to do, until tomorrow night, and I get time to strengthen my resolve. On the custody front, my lawyer already drafted papers giving me full custody and he gets visitation every other Saturday, and he already signed them. It would kill me to see my baby only 2 days a month, but he didn’t argue. I don’t know if he didn’t read them properly. or he thinks he’ll still drop over whenever he wants, but that’s all the time he gets legally. ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/38 "2004-11-09T15:32:41Z")
> [@TellMeI'mNotCrazy](#): > > One more clarification: I am not, not, not saying she should stay with him. Just the opposite. I am simply “telling” her husband what the effects of his actions are likely to be. Ah! You and I gave the same advice from different angles. The possible damage to Helen’s daughter is on daddy’s head, not hers. ---
**Author:** ![HelenTroy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helentroy/32/86_2.png) [@HelenTroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenTroy)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/39 "2004-11-09T15:33:14Z")
I know it sounds crazy to talk about all the things I have done legally already and still be talking about reconciliation. It’s just that when he hit me with this in September, I ran with it. I was so shocked by this I didn’t think, only acted. After he asked for a second chance I allowed my feelings to come into play, and I tried to work on things. I know it is a cliche, but we did seem to have a very happy marriage. I really had no idea this could happen. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831/40 "2004-11-09T15:34:20Z")
_!&^(_^@!\*&@! Helen, I am very sorry this happened to you. You sound like a loving, generous person, and certainly no one like you should ever have to suffer through something like this. I am outraged on your behalf. Keep strong. Be well. (Sorry I have no other specific advice.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrow-may-mark-the-end-of-my-marriage/273831.md?page=3)