# Tomorrow's headline's you'd like to see **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 4, 2000, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133 "2000-08-04T15:57:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sn-man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Sn-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sn-man)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/21 "2000-08-04T20:41:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Drain Bead \* > \*\*GORE LICKS BUSH! \*\* ROTFLOL - Caught me by surprise and spewed coffee on my desk. Coworkers wanting to know if I’m OK. To funny! ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/22 "2000-08-04T21:01:56Z")
Congress Vows to Actually Work for a Living Freak refridgerator accident kills Gore and Bush! Actual citizens must run for office This is a favorite from The Onion Page, Our Dumb Century calender: Rosa Parks to Take Cab ‘Screw This Bus Shit,’ Says Montgomery, Alabama, Commuter ---
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/23 "2000-08-04T21:16:36Z")
JESUS RETURNS: SLAPS PAT ROBERTSON UPSIDE THE HEAD DEMOCRATS REVEAL: GORE DEAD FOR THREE WEEKS, NO ONE COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE PAT BUCHANAN DEPORTED BACK TO GERMANY NATIONAL MESSAGE BOARD TO GIVE AWAY MILLIONS TO PEOPLE WHO REGISTERED IN DECEMBER OF '99 PHAEDRUS AND OATWILLIE FOUND DEAD IN LOVER’S SUICIDE/MURDER PACT ---
**Author:** ![Alpine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpine/32/17813_2.png) [@Alpine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpine)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/24 "2000-08-04T21:44:30Z")
PUBLIC PREFERS COLUMNIST TO DEM/REP CANDIDATES Startling poll results reveal that 75% of Americans would vote for Chicago Reader columnist Cecil Adams for President this November. Runners up include: a raw turnip (18%), any third party candidate(5%), Bush (1%), Gore (1%). ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/25 "2000-08-05T16:32:43Z")
NEW SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS New benefits allow Americans to retire at the age of 40, with increased monthly payments… ANNUAL COST OF LIVING RAISE…15% ACROSS THE BOARD Required cost of living for all working class people of 15%… REUNION OF THE FIVE AMERICANS Hits the nation by surprise… ---
**Author:** ![Scribe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Scribe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribe)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/26 "2000-08-05T17:08:38Z")
CHRIST TO RETURN TODAY: LOOK BUSY EVERYBODY! CUBS WIN WORLD SERIES GORE CHALLENGES BUSH TO STEEL CAGE MATCH This thread reminds me of the perhaps apocryphal story about the small town editor who did the entire paper by himself. His post-publication bender lasted so long that he sobered up only right before the next deadline with no news to print. So, he reused the entire previous newspaper with the big headline on page one “REPRINTED BY POPULAR REQUEST” That I’d like to see. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/27 "2000-08-05T17:09:19Z")
CONRAD BLACK CAUGHT IN MENAGE A TROIS WITH JEAN CHRETIEN AND STOCKWELL DAY ---
**Author:** ![Narile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Narile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Narile)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/28 "2000-08-05T17:29:35Z")
FRED PHELPS CAUGHT IN LOVING TRYST WITH JERRY FALWELL! MEDIA CIRCUS TO HIRE BREADMAKERS. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/29 "2000-08-05T22:52:32Z")
GEORGE W. BUSH FOUND DEAD! POLICE CITE COCAINE OVERDOSE AS CAUSE! ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/30 "2000-08-06T03:44:22Z")
**ROBERT MUGABE ASSASSINATED** White farmer seen fleeing scene. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/31 "2000-08-06T04:11:38Z")
ELVIS RETURNS Police have positively identified a man claiming to be Elvis Presley as the actual Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley stated that he was indeed working in a supermarket under an assumed name for the past twenty two years. ALIENS MAKE CONTACT WITH FARMER Emmet Scrubbs of Boise Idaho was the first human being to make contact with extraterrestrials at 4:00pm local time yesterday. He mistook them as teenagers stealing chickens and fired upon them with his shotgun. A spokesperson for the aliens stated that they realized this was an accident and their will be no retaliation of any kind. CURE FOR IGNORANCE FOUND Many rejoiced over the news released today that a single dose oral capsule could cure ignorance. A small group calling themselves “Dopers” stated that they no longer had any purpose in life. STOCKWELL DAY CAUGHT WITH MALE PROSTITUTE Police arrested the Alliance leader in a raid last evening. Police spokesmen state that Mr. Day was found in the company of an underage male prostitute well known to authorities. The Alliance party has declined to comment on how this will affect their chances in the next election. ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/32 "2000-08-06T06:41:00Z")
PAT BUCHANAN IN FREAK ACCIDENT Loses the use of his vocal chords HILLARY WHUPS STARR’S SORRY BUTT Steel cage match takes only 93 seconds DAVE BARRY WINS PRESIDENCY Democrats, Republicans stunned by come-from-behind victory ---
**Author:** ![DeathLlama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DeathLlama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathLlama)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/33 "2000-08-06T07:52:15Z")
DUMB F\*CK NEWSPAPER TO INCLUDE PROFANITY IN EVERY HEADLINE ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/34 "2000-08-06T08:44:20Z")
EMINEM MAKES CD FILLED WITH LOVE BALLADS AL GORE TRIES TO BY PERSONALITY WITH CREDIT CARD Store Clerk Asked for ID YANKEES WIN WORLD SERIES; DWIGHT GOODEN MVP Doctor K Declares He Is Going Catfish Hunting in Off-Season ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/35 "2000-08-06T08:46:02Z")
BUY PERSONALITY ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/36 "2000-08-06T08:56:07Z")
TOP ATHLETE SIGNS FOR $150,000 SAYING: “REALLY, HOW MUCH DO I NEED?” WORLD REJOICES OVER NEVE CAMPBELL/JOEY HEMLOCK WEDDING AGAVE SURPLUS LEADS TO DROP IN TEQUILA PRICES MURDER OF MIMES REDUCED TO MISDEMEANOR STAR WARS TRILOGY TO BE RELEASED ON DVD LATEST SEX OBJECTS: OVERWEIGHT WHITE GUYS ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/37 "2000-08-06T12:18:53Z")
> [@](#): > > STOCKWELL DAY CAUGHT WITH MALE PROSTITUTE > Police arrested the Alliance leader in a raid last evening. Police spokesmen state that Mr. Day was found in the company of an underage male prostitute well known to authorities. The Alliance party has declined to comment on how this will affect their chances in the next election. Feynn, I love you. Will you marry me? ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/38 "2000-08-06T14:08:48Z")
[GORE ADMITS HE HAS NO PERSONALITY, DECIDES TO CAMPAIGN ON ISSUES](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=33572) ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/39 "2000-08-06T15:13:56Z")
Matt- I’m touched my your proposal but you know it could never be. Mixed marriages can be so difficult and in this case impossible. You know my heart belongs to another… We can always treasure our mutual dislike of Mr. Day. ---
**Author:** ![Poto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ab992/32.png) [@Poto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poto)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133/40 "2000-08-06T16:16:42Z")
GORE AND BUSH GET CUE CARDS MIXED UP AT DEBATE. Advisors were screaming as they read each others’ spontaneous replies. Nobody else noticed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tomorrows-headlines-youd-like-to-see/28133.md?page=3)