# Tonight I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 22, 2016, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tonight-im-going-to-my-first-al-anon-meeting/772711 "2016-11-22T01:27:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2016, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tonight-im-going-to-my-first-al-anon-meeting/772711/21 "2016-11-24T18:08:56Z")
> [@Lancia](#): > > And yet I feel like my life is crumbling, a black sheet slowly being pulled over my eyes. I don’t know what else to do. What does one do? Give up? Soldier on? Such a choice. Emotion says one thing, rationality says another Here’s what I say: GET HELP FOR YOURSELF One thing I learned a long time ago: If you don’t take care of yourself you can’t take care of anyone else. This thread is already full of suggestions. Pick one or several or all. The important thing is to get some help for yourself. > [@](#): > > My mother has been an addict my whole life. I am sorry to hear that. It sucks. > [@](#): > > She says she knows she has a problem and wants treatment but refuses to take simple (to me, but I’m not an addict so what do I know) steps toward sobriety: removing herself from situations where people are drinking or cutting enablers out of her life. The problem is that your mom loves her addiction more than she loves sobriety. Until that changes her life going forward is going to be much like the past. I’m sorry that your mom has this problem. Or disease. Whatever you call it, it sucks. > [@](#): > > My father, an alcoholic long in recovery, can’t stand this behavior and wants to leave. He’s miserable and, when he gets angry as he has been most waking hours of late, he gets loud and obnoxious. This helps not at all, and their 40-year marriage is, unless my mom makes drastic changes very soon, effectively over. Sometimes, a marriage isn’t worth saving. Seems like your dad needs some help, too. Maybe you can suggest he get some for himself? Would he care to go with you to Al-Anon? But regardless of whether or not your dad wants to go with you, YOU go and get some help for yourself. > [@](#): > > My kids see this—or did before my wife and I made the decision to limit their contact with her to “supervised only.” Jesus God… what a terribly difficult thing to do. Cutting two children off from their own grandmother, a woman they’ve known their entire life and, before all this, saw routinely? Luckily they understand, or at least say they do. Here’s some validation: YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Yes, coming between grandma and the grandkids sucks. You know what sucks more? Kids having to deal with this adult shit before they’re adults. Grandma has an illness, grandma has a problem, that’s why we’re not seeing grandma this Thanksgiving - something like that, right? Best of all, _it’s the truth_. You chose the lesser of the two evils. That’s what responsible adults do for their kids. > [@](#): > > And as God as my witness I don’t know if I should tell them. But I suppose I will have to as Thanksgiving dinner will not happen this year. I’m not putting them in that situation. “Grandma is sick, grandma has a problem. That’s why we’re not seeing grandma for Thanksgiving this year.” Adjust as appropriate for you children’s ages. > [@](#): > > Tonight I’m going to an al-anon meeting. I don’t know how to handle this, how to communicate with my family what I’m feeling, how to talk to my kids about something that, until a few weeks ago, they had no idea existed. Most importantly, I need to figure how to prepare myself for what may very possibly be the inevitable: my mom will, absent of help, allow this to kill her. It will kill her marriage, her relationship with her children and her grandchildren and then, when there is nothing else left for it to take, it will kill her. All true. And it sucks. but BRAVO to you for recognizing you need help and seeking it. Keep trying to find an Al-Anon meeting. Do an on-line meeting. Talk to a volunteer. Get some sort of counseling for yourself to help you deal with it, take care of yourself, and yes, communicate with your family. > [@](#): > > But maybe I can learn to, somehow, accept it and move on with my life. Maybe not so much accept but _deal with it_ and get on with your life. It’s OK to love your mother but to hate and loathe her addiction at the same time. > [@](#): > > What a fucking choice. Yes. It sucks. How are you going to live your life and achieve success and happiness (however you define it) despite the suck? > [@](#): > > Thanks for reading this far. I just needed to rant for a bit. You’re welcome. Rant away. I haven’t got anything more than validating your feelings and urging you to get help, but since it’s what I have that’s what I give you. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2016, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tonight-im-going-to-my-first-al-anon-meeting/772711/22 "2016-11-26T16:23:13Z")
> [@Knowed\_Out](#): > > … > Turns out he was bonding with runners. He had already lost one runner friend to a heroin/fentanyl overdose, and here he was lining up replacements. > … > PK and his runner friends had been partying there. > … What’s a “runner” in this context? ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2016, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tonight-im-going-to-my-first-al-anon-meeting/772711/23 "2016-11-27T06:09:34Z")
AlAnon worked wonders for a friend. Surely it’s worth a try, and best of luck with your struggle. ---
**Author:** ![Lancia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lancia/32/17174_2.png) [@Lancia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lancia)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2016, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tonight-im-going-to-my-first-al-anon-meeting/772711/24 "2016-11-27T18:21:09Z")
Update: I spoke with my father at length yesterday. My mom admitted herself to an inpatient rehab center the day before Thanksgiving. Apparently my dad drove her (it’s about an hour and a half away from where they live), which was something she initially didn’t want: she said she felt he wanted nothing to do with her, wasn’t speaking to her, and certainly wasn’t going to take her to the rehab center. Dad basically told her that no, he did want to drive her and give her support. He also told that he believes the impetus for her deciding to enter treatment was the fact that he had asked for a divorce. He found online some “do it yourself” divorce papers and filled them out then asked for her signature—which she gave. He said he didn’t sign them and has no plans on filing them if she gets better. In his words, “I don’t want a divorce, I want my wife back.” I did find an updated list of meeting locations via the phone number **nearwildheaven** provided. I haven’t been to any yet due to the Thanksgiving holiday but there is one listed this coming Tuesday which is on my calendar to attend. I spoke with someone who had attended an “outlaw” al-anon meeting that was sponsored by a local drug rehab outpatient clinic and the national al-anon org. He warned me of something that had never occurred to me: he said that, in his experience, local al-anon meetings aren’t male-friendly. He said that many al-anon meetings are attended by women who are there because their current or past SO drank. They see it as a safe space for them and thus men are often given a frosty welcome. I have no idea if this is true or, if it is, this was a one-off event. I’m not going to let it deter me from attending one but it’s a possibility I need to be aware of. So at this point mom’s in rehab, and I’m sure thoroughly miserable. My parent’s relationship clearly needs a lot of help, but I’m not sure either one will admit it or try to get it. I’ll do my best to support them but otherwise stand back and let them work out for themselves what’s best for them. Part of me feels like this is “giving up” on my part. I’m a bit OCD and I want to do what I can to fix this. The objective part of my brain knows that I have no control whatsoever over their relationship and whatever healthy / unhealthy aspects are extant therein. That doesn’t help much, as the other half feels that if I could just say the right thing, make the necessary point, get them to see reason where currently they refuse or are unable to do so then all would be better. Sigh. One soldiers on. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2016, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tonight-im-going-to-my-first-al-anon-meeting/772711/25 "2016-11-27T18:33:46Z")
Apply that desire to fix things to fix the issues this brings up in yourself. Far easier said than done. But you may find it’s a productive way to channel that energy. I’d say you’re Dad’s comment is the best news in a long time. Whether Mom will take advantage of Dad’s offer to keep trying is a different question. But absent Dad’s offer, their future and all your feelings about it would be taking a very much less-good turn about now. Good luck. Seriously. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tonight-im-going-to-my-first-al-anon-meeting/772711.md?page=1)